So this is life...
Yesterday I started Sonic...not the best job in the world...but I work with fun people...and its money which I need lots of...
Today I went for my first consultation with Dr. Gardenson...an interesting man to the say the least...but intriguing none the less...we spent some time talking about my medical history...which my gay ass family physcian didnt send to him...sad face...and it came to the big C word (not cancer)...18 years old and next week I will have my first colonoscopy...but on that day I will have all the answers I could ever dream of and three years of not knowing will come to an end...
A fond thought to share...is the car ride there...I looked out the window of my moms ridiculously expensive car and I just took in everything...every plant, tree, bug, dead animal, live animal....just anything....it wasnt like one of those, "Oh my god its time to die kind of things so I need to think about my life." It was more like, "I never take time to breathe things in." I sat there in the car, and I just though about shit...mostly about all the stupid shit I have done...about all those times I over reacted over something fucking retarded...about the friends I have lost...the friends I have gained...the life I have lived...
My life isnt hard...never has been...im pretty sure it never will be...I got nothing on kids who have to grow up with one parent...I got nothing on kids who have to live on the streets rather than go to a $28,000 a year private college...I got nothing on those people...I only make my life hard because I chose too...not because it is...and its interesting to realize that about yourself...
Today I also noticed something profoundly moving...just how much my mother cares but can never show it...in preparation for the Dr. I took a shower and when I got out...I heard her downstairs on the phone talking to her mom...and she told her mom how proud she was of how I was handling this...and that she was scared...but my mom never takes the time to show these things...and when I came downstairs she put on her sunglasses...probably to cover puffy eyes...and she went out back and burried her nose in some work...my mom is probably the strongest person I have ever met...she has two kids 14 years apart, a lazy ass husband, a job that requires 22 hours out of 24 hour day...but as strong as she is, she can never be weak to show emotions...its too much of a personal strain and takes up too much time in her hectic schedule...today I realized that my mom covers up pain, and fear, and sadness, with her jobs...and then I realized that I never want to be like that...because the one thing I have probably craved my whole life is the ability to just lay in my mom's lap, and have her rub my back or my hair...and I know when I have my kids, that even till they are fucking like 98 years old and I am just crapping my pants and cant remember a damn thing...I want them to be able to come lay down with me or hop on my lap...and just be content with life...
I dont hate my mom...i never can...and never will...our love is unconditional and can never be broken...I dont even resent her...and I kindof thank god that she is the stronger one because I know she will be pushing me through this...and helping me get through things...and I need that...
tonight i looked at the moon...and I thought...so this is life...its time to accept that...
Today I went for my first consultation with Dr. Gardenson...an interesting man to the say the least...but intriguing none the less...we spent some time talking about my medical history...which my gay ass family physcian didnt send to him...sad face...and it came to the big C word (not cancer)...18 years old and next week I will have my first colonoscopy...but on that day I will have all the answers I could ever dream of and three years of not knowing will come to an end...
A fond thought to share...is the car ride there...I looked out the window of my moms ridiculously expensive car and I just took in everything...every plant, tree, bug, dead animal, live animal....just anything....it wasnt like one of those, "Oh my god its time to die kind of things so I need to think about my life." It was more like, "I never take time to breathe things in." I sat there in the car, and I just though about shit...mostly about all the stupid shit I have done...about all those times I over reacted over something fucking retarded...about the friends I have lost...the friends I have gained...the life I have lived...
My life isnt hard...never has been...im pretty sure it never will be...I got nothing on kids who have to grow up with one parent...I got nothing on kids who have to live on the streets rather than go to a $28,000 a year private college...I got nothing on those people...I only make my life hard because I chose too...not because it is...and its interesting to realize that about yourself...
Today I also noticed something profoundly moving...just how much my mother cares but can never show it...in preparation for the Dr. I took a shower and when I got out...I heard her downstairs on the phone talking to her mom...and she told her mom how proud she was of how I was handling this...and that she was scared...but my mom never takes the time to show these things...and when I came downstairs she put on her sunglasses...probably to cover puffy eyes...and she went out back and burried her nose in some work...my mom is probably the strongest person I have ever met...she has two kids 14 years apart, a lazy ass husband, a job that requires 22 hours out of 24 hour day...but as strong as she is, she can never be weak to show emotions...its too much of a personal strain and takes up too much time in her hectic schedule...today I realized that my mom covers up pain, and fear, and sadness, with her jobs...and then I realized that I never want to be like that...because the one thing I have probably craved my whole life is the ability to just lay in my mom's lap, and have her rub my back or my hair...and I know when I have my kids, that even till they are fucking like 98 years old and I am just crapping my pants and cant remember a damn thing...I want them to be able to come lay down with me or hop on my lap...and just be content with life...
I dont hate my mom...i never can...and never will...our love is unconditional and can never be broken...I dont even resent her...and I kindof thank god that she is the stronger one because I know she will be pushing me through this...and helping me get through things...and I need that...
tonight i looked at the moon...and I thought...so this is life...its time to accept that...