Greetings Old Friend
This is my first entry since 2005. I only use this thing to look at other people's posts and lurk THEIR lives. So much has happened in my high school career that I don't even know where to start. I have learned so much, met so many people, seen so many things, went to so many places that I am astounded at the progress I have made. As a teenager, you are constantly met with four-way stops. You could go Straight Ahead, with the path you have already been taking. You could make a Right and do the right thing, make your parent's proud, be the best student, friend and sister you can be. You could make a Left, and do the wrong thing, be a bad influence for your brother and sister, not give a shit about school or your future, be a terrible friend, lie, lie and lie some more. Or, you could just Sit There, press the red triangle and blink your little emergency blinker's heart out. After lots of experience, trying to only go ONE way has been the only error. One mustn't forget the reverse privilege! Going Right, Left, Ahead, or just Sitting There can't be the only only option. Trying out different directions, different paths, new ideas, new people, religions, future ideas, hobbies, maps, tools, music, and physical activities are the reason why they have the reverse option. Please don't confuse this entry as an emotional yet articulated cry out for help. For quite some time, I have been dreading this entry and wondering how the hell I am supposed to wrap up the last four years of my life. Bear with me as I confess to parts of my life that have been haunting me for a long time.
I started out going Left. I couldn't have cared less about Coral Reef. I wanted to be at New World, with all of my friends. Not these "rejects" who aren't talented enough. Then I found a place where I could be comfortable. A theater that taught me more about who I was than God himself could. I made so many friends that I couldn't even keep up with my own maturity. One lie led to another, and even with my best effort to plead for innocence and mercy, I was the only one who was fooled. I was fooled enough to think that anyone would believe that my mother had breast cancer, so and so was pregnant, I had a Bat Mitzvah, I was Princess Diana's second cousin, I was in a movie that played at the Falls for one day and one day only, and that I had a boyfriend who lived in Israel who loved me since the age of 12. These are the only ones I can think of at this moment, but you get the big picture. Ah, the Big Picture. It wasn't until I had no friends, nobody to talk to, and a bad reputation for talking bad about people that I finally found a frame large enough for this "big picture."
Naturally, I reversed and turned Right. I cleaned up my act, started doing really well in school, stayed away from the theater that triggered my neurological disorder to lie about everything, started appreciating Reef, made new friends that showed me how stupid I was for caring about people who clearly didn't give a shit about me, confessed to most of the lies I remembered telling, and finally, just relaxed and concentrated on doing well.
Doing good DID me good... for a while. I let go of the past, didn't try to get those friends back as much as I felt that I "couldn't live or exist" without a few of them, had trouble with some classes but managed to succeed, only to find myself feeling sad. I kissed so much ass only to find that nobody ever wanted me to. Every time I tried to be the BEST friend, or be the BEST actress, or be the MOST romantic girlfriend, it was pointless. Now, as I write this, I am so proud that I tried my best but at the same time, I'm laughing at how stupid I was to think that by doing so much good in so little time would grant me so much love and appreciation for the rest of my life.
Alright, alright. Lets lighten the mood. (I've changed my shuffle selection on iTunes). I think the best part about all of this is that you can always start over. So, I reversed again. Pressed the triangle and lay out some factors. It's my junior year of high school, I've been with the same people for three years, same drama as always. I needed change. So, I joined my school's water polo team. Yeah, you can say it. WHAT THE HELL IS AN OVERWEIGHT THEATER STUDENT WHO GETS OUT OF BREATH CLIMBING A FLIGHT OF STAIRS PLAYING WATER POLO FOR?? The answer to this day is still unknown. A friend of mine lives, breathes, and eats the sport and told me how wonderful it is and how fun it would be if I joined the team. So I did! From that day on, I was determined to get through at least ONE season of vigorous practices, coming to terms with the fact that I am not the cutest person in a bathing suit and that I am finally going to do something for myself that wasn't a theater related activity. From December 07 to April 08, I became a water polo player. Maybe not the best one, but damn it I tried. Due to long practices in and outside of school, games and watching tournaments on weekends with some girls on the team, I developed friends. Best friends. I actually had people who didn't care about who said what or who hated who. These girls had talent and kept me on my toes. When times got tough, they would be the ones I called. There were even a couple times I would cry and hide behind the ball during practice because I was so ashamed at the lack of talent I had, but the second I thought about giving up...They kicked my ass for even letting that get through my head. I looked forward to going to practices (only to be yelled at for doing everything wrong by my coach) just because of them. Those five girls did nothing but push me to be better, help me when I was on the bottom of the pool sinking, and made me feel so good about myself. Through them, I met a boy who changed my whole world. I can't say that I fell in love with him, but it sure came close. This was my first real relationship and I learned a lot about myself and what kind of person I am, and can't thank him enough. We broke up later that year, but it was wonderful while it lasted. The season ended and it was time for me to face theater again. Time to step back into a world that I had shut out completely. Just to make sure I still had that va-voom, I volunteered to host an end of the year showcase for the chorus program at my school. It was a compilation of Broadway songs mixed into one big extravaganza. The day before the show, I created a character for this hosting job. Her name was Lois Shapiro. She was this old, crazy, jewish, neon-green-jumpsuit-wearing "janitor" of the "subway station" that the performances took place in. (It's one of those 'had to be there to get it' deals). Lois turned out to be a sensation. She has become my alter ego and she comes out quite frequently in some incidences. I hope to bring her to SNL one day.
20 lbs lighter, 10 good friends, and major kudos from a student body later, I realized that without even TRYING, I was respected. The people who I thought my life revolved around suddenly disappeared and became acquaintances. In return, I gained respect. Because I was not a follower anymore. I did my own thing, followed my OWN ideas and ambitions. Hell, I even realized that I don't want to be an actress anymore. My independence was envied by many and all because I listened to ONE person talking about how happy they were doing something they LOVED. I don't play water polo anymore, but not because I sucked or I hated it. It's just not my calling. Though, I am so thankful that I had that experience.
I am not going to get into detail about this but over the past year, my family has fallen apart. My parents have split up and its really hard for my Dad. Little by little we become more stable, but its really difficult. Some of you will know why. One question: How can I go away for college while all of this is going on?
It's senior year. I have made so many good relationships with students, teachers and adults who could really get me out of Miami. I have decided that I want to study Communications/ Media. I can't afford to study theater and then never have a job or a degree to GET a job. So, for now, this will roll in the cash flow. The actual process of applying for college has been a nightmare. It takes at least 3 days to do one application, and then the anxiety and constant worry of doubt is excruciating! Fortunately, Coral Reef has provided many activities and events to distract me. Not to mention all the drama rehearsals, shows and competitions we have had so far this year.
Speaking of drama, my class and I have really become a family. I am convinced its because of all the Senior Goodbye's we have seen in the last few years and all the "I wish i took advantage of my drama family more than I did's" we have heard. We have all come along so beautifully and I am honored to be in a class with such caring and talented people.
I catch myself sometimes trying to be something I'm not. Especially when talking to boys. I really do try to be that preppy, I-look-like-im-not-wearing-makeup-but-I-really-caked-on-a-pound-of-foundation-five-minutes-ago, oblivious, small chested, thin-but not too thin, high-pitched voice girl. Thank God I have realized that I am NOT that girl. I am better. I've got huge boobs, a gut, low voice, dry humor, a brain, and little tiny blackheads on my nose that will not go away no matter how many times I wash my face. This is who I am. I've got baggage, MAJOR baggage. But I've learned to cope with it through comedy, traveling, and writing. But, I really can't help it. And as much I or anyone tries to STOP trying, we can't. It's human nature to feel envious of someone else. I just need to practice achieving what they have in my own way, more often.
I tell a lot of my friends things in confidence and tell them not to tell anyone, even though I have probably already told the person they WOULD tell. I think my only flaw right now is to take my personal life and make it a little more private. I don't have a problem keeping OTHER people's problems a secret, I just can't keep mine a secret.
I think I used some commas inappropriately at one point or another, forgive me.
-DJB
I started out going Left. I couldn't have cared less about Coral Reef. I wanted to be at New World, with all of my friends. Not these "rejects" who aren't talented enough. Then I found a place where I could be comfortable. A theater that taught me more about who I was than God himself could. I made so many friends that I couldn't even keep up with my own maturity. One lie led to another, and even with my best effort to plead for innocence and mercy, I was the only one who was fooled. I was fooled enough to think that anyone would believe that my mother had breast cancer, so and so was pregnant, I had a Bat Mitzvah, I was Princess Diana's second cousin, I was in a movie that played at the Falls for one day and one day only, and that I had a boyfriend who lived in Israel who loved me since the age of 12. These are the only ones I can think of at this moment, but you get the big picture. Ah, the Big Picture. It wasn't until I had no friends, nobody to talk to, and a bad reputation for talking bad about people that I finally found a frame large enough for this "big picture."
Naturally, I reversed and turned Right. I cleaned up my act, started doing really well in school, stayed away from the theater that triggered my neurological disorder to lie about everything, started appreciating Reef, made new friends that showed me how stupid I was for caring about people who clearly didn't give a shit about me, confessed to most of the lies I remembered telling, and finally, just relaxed and concentrated on doing well.
Doing good DID me good... for a while. I let go of the past, didn't try to get those friends back as much as I felt that I "couldn't live or exist" without a few of them, had trouble with some classes but managed to succeed, only to find myself feeling sad. I kissed so much ass only to find that nobody ever wanted me to. Every time I tried to be the BEST friend, or be the BEST actress, or be the MOST romantic girlfriend, it was pointless. Now, as I write this, I am so proud that I tried my best but at the same time, I'm laughing at how stupid I was to think that by doing so much good in so little time would grant me so much love and appreciation for the rest of my life.
Alright, alright. Lets lighten the mood. (I've changed my shuffle selection on iTunes). I think the best part about all of this is that you can always start over. So, I reversed again. Pressed the triangle and lay out some factors. It's my junior year of high school, I've been with the same people for three years, same drama as always. I needed change. So, I joined my school's water polo team. Yeah, you can say it. WHAT THE HELL IS AN OVERWEIGHT THEATER STUDENT WHO GETS OUT OF BREATH CLIMBING A FLIGHT OF STAIRS PLAYING WATER POLO FOR?? The answer to this day is still unknown. A friend of mine lives, breathes, and eats the sport and told me how wonderful it is and how fun it would be if I joined the team. So I did! From that day on, I was determined to get through at least ONE season of vigorous practices, coming to terms with the fact that I am not the cutest person in a bathing suit and that I am finally going to do something for myself that wasn't a theater related activity. From December 07 to April 08, I became a water polo player. Maybe not the best one, but damn it I tried. Due to long practices in and outside of school, games and watching tournaments on weekends with some girls on the team, I developed friends. Best friends. I actually had people who didn't care about who said what or who hated who. These girls had talent and kept me on my toes. When times got tough, they would be the ones I called. There were even a couple times I would cry and hide behind the ball during practice because I was so ashamed at the lack of talent I had, but the second I thought about giving up...They kicked my ass for even letting that get through my head. I looked forward to going to practices (only to be yelled at for doing everything wrong by my coach) just because of them. Those five girls did nothing but push me to be better, help me when I was on the bottom of the pool sinking, and made me feel so good about myself. Through them, I met a boy who changed my whole world. I can't say that I fell in love with him, but it sure came close. This was my first real relationship and I learned a lot about myself and what kind of person I am, and can't thank him enough. We broke up later that year, but it was wonderful while it lasted. The season ended and it was time for me to face theater again. Time to step back into a world that I had shut out completely. Just to make sure I still had that va-voom, I volunteered to host an end of the year showcase for the chorus program at my school. It was a compilation of Broadway songs mixed into one big extravaganza. The day before the show, I created a character for this hosting job. Her name was Lois Shapiro. She was this old, crazy, jewish, neon-green-jumpsuit-wearing "janitor" of the "subway station" that the performances took place in. (It's one of those 'had to be there to get it' deals). Lois turned out to be a sensation. She has become my alter ego and she comes out quite frequently in some incidences. I hope to bring her to SNL one day.
20 lbs lighter, 10 good friends, and major kudos from a student body later, I realized that without even TRYING, I was respected. The people who I thought my life revolved around suddenly disappeared and became acquaintances. In return, I gained respect. Because I was not a follower anymore. I did my own thing, followed my OWN ideas and ambitions. Hell, I even realized that I don't want to be an actress anymore. My independence was envied by many and all because I listened to ONE person talking about how happy they were doing something they LOVED. I don't play water polo anymore, but not because I sucked or I hated it. It's just not my calling. Though, I am so thankful that I had that experience.
I am not going to get into detail about this but over the past year, my family has fallen apart. My parents have split up and its really hard for my Dad. Little by little we become more stable, but its really difficult. Some of you will know why. One question: How can I go away for college while all of this is going on?
It's senior year. I have made so many good relationships with students, teachers and adults who could really get me out of Miami. I have decided that I want to study Communications/ Media. I can't afford to study theater and then never have a job or a degree to GET a job. So, for now, this will roll in the cash flow. The actual process of applying for college has been a nightmare. It takes at least 3 days to do one application, and then the anxiety and constant worry of doubt is excruciating! Fortunately, Coral Reef has provided many activities and events to distract me. Not to mention all the drama rehearsals, shows and competitions we have had so far this year.
Speaking of drama, my class and I have really become a family. I am convinced its because of all the Senior Goodbye's we have seen in the last few years and all the "I wish i took advantage of my drama family more than I did's" we have heard. We have all come along so beautifully and I am honored to be in a class with such caring and talented people.
I catch myself sometimes trying to be something I'm not. Especially when talking to boys. I really do try to be that preppy, I-look-like-im-not-wearing-makeup-but-I-really-caked-on-a-pound-of-foundation-five-minutes-ago, oblivious, small chested, thin-but not too thin, high-pitched voice girl. Thank God I have realized that I am NOT that girl. I am better. I've got huge boobs, a gut, low voice, dry humor, a brain, and little tiny blackheads on my nose that will not go away no matter how many times I wash my face. This is who I am. I've got baggage, MAJOR baggage. But I've learned to cope with it through comedy, traveling, and writing. But, I really can't help it. And as much I or anyone tries to STOP trying, we can't. It's human nature to feel envious of someone else. I just need to practice achieving what they have in my own way, more often.
I tell a lot of my friends things in confidence and tell them not to tell anyone, even though I have probably already told the person they WOULD tell. I think my only flaw right now is to take my personal life and make it a little more private. I don't have a problem keeping OTHER people's problems a secret, I just can't keep mine a secret.
I think I used some commas inappropriately at one point or another, forgive me.
-DJB