(no subject)
I can't sleep tonight.
So, I watched a movie. "The Last Song" chick flick type movie, but it's based off a book I read years ago.
In the movie, the girls father died. It made me think. Alot. I have alot of people that mean alot to me. I cried even harder when thinking exactly what they meant to me.
My father is my world. When I first got here, I wanted to scream and yell at him all the time. He wasn't helping me, he hurt me more than anything. It took me time, and i had to get over myself.. but I see it now. He loves me so much, and seeing me like this breaks his heart. I can see it in his eyes everytime he looks at me. So, he makes it so that he's hardly here during the day when i'm doing most of my moving around. He doesn't get things for me, or do things for me because he knows i'm a Collins, and most defiantly my fathers daughter. I may be hurt, i may not be able to do some things, but I know my limits and I don't want sympathy from anybody. I want to do things on my own, I want my independence, even though right now it's bout as much as a teenager. He loves me. He's offered to buy me whatever I want/need or even think will make me more comfortable. I refuse most all he offers because I don't need him spending his money on me. Every night he'll spend at least 2 hours with me in the basement watching stargate sg-1 and listening to me babble as I color pictures with my crayons. He involves me in his life, and he's not keeping secrets. I trust him. I've grown closer to my dad since i've been here, and i'm so thankful for it. We don't see eachother often, just those few hours at night and the rare hour or so during the day.. And we don't say it, but I know he loves me. And with his actions, I can see it. I can feel it. I think my dad is like me in thinking it's the little things in life that make it worthwhile. I feel closer to my dad than I have in.. my entire life.
I've spent the last 3 hours, crying. Sobbing into my pillow like a little girl. I cling to the giant stuffed bear that Josh got me for Valentines Day earlier this year. It's the closest thing I have to him anymore. For awhile there, when I first got here, I could smell him on the bear. I don't think I put it down for three whole days. I clung to that thing like it was my life support system. I'm alot better about Josh not being here. I've toned my emotions down a hell of a lot. I haven't let go of him or the way I feel about him, but i've accepted whats going on. I've struggled with acceptance for a very long time. It's another thing he's helped me with.
I miss him alot tonight, I really want him to be here holding me and rocking me slowly. I want to feel the warmth of his shoulder and have my cheek scratched by his fuzzy chest hair.
I don't understand how I can remember some of the things that I remember about him. Alot of it just seems trivial, but I can't make myself forget it.
When he doesn't shave his head for awhile, I could run my fingers over his tiny little hairs. So soft, softer than a peach's fuzz.
The concentrated face he got when he was really into his game. Haha, such a dork.
The way his butt moved when he walked away from me, naked.
What he looked like lying in the tub, taking a bath. Like a giant trying to squeeze himself into a tiny little car.
The way his chest moved when he slept. The way he slept sometimes, on his stomach with his head propped up on his hands. Haha. that was always funny.
His mandals. Omg, Nobody can pull off a mandal look like Josh could.
I'd like to say i'm confident that him and I can mend things and we can be together again. Though, i'm not sure if that will happen. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, though when we talked.. he told me something that made my heart soar. He still has feelings for me..
It didn't make me jump for joy or anything, just made me feel so much better. I really thought that he had just decided that he didn't love me, that i was done and over and wasn't worth any second of thought anymore. I didn't understand because that wasn't like the Josh, I knew and fell in love with, made me feel like I didn't know him at all, like I thought I did.. What it did, was tell me he's still there. My Josh is still in there, he's not become heartless..
I really, really want to see him. Even if it's just in passing. Phil has been driving around with me lately, practicing so he can get his license. I can't even count the number of times i've contemplated having him drive all the way to Sandusky, just so we can drive down Bogart Rd a few dozen times so that I could catch a glimpse of him and wave. I decided i'm not that pathetic though. I simply Miss Him, Alot.
I should try to sleep, it's 6am almost. I'd like to be able to wake up and take a shower tomorrow before we go to the pet store, daddy told me he'd buy me fish tomorrow. Said it's a present! i'm kind of excited about it. My new fishtank is about to get some occupants!
I've been listening to Ozzy lately.. Lay Your World On Me, is a good song. So is, Here For You. They make me think of him.. But in a good way. A way that says, I'm ok with being your friend.. just let me stay in your life. If you don't want to love me, i'm not ok with that.. But in time I will be. I can handle it.
We all laugh and we all cry
We all hurt the same inside
We all fall down and we lose faith in who we really are
But if we bend instead of break
The choice for us is to make it together
Lay your world on me
"Lay your world on me"-Ozzy
I don't wanna live in yesterday
Cross my heart until I die
Don't wanna know just what tomorrow may bring
Because today has just begun
No matter whatever else I've done
I'm here for you
"I'm Here For You"-Ozzy
The last one there, constantly makes me think of the chance I want with him. I don't want to try again in the shadow of what happened the first time round. I know it will always be there, but it should not be allowed power over our relationship. I'd like to take it a day at a time, and see where we go. I want to enjoy each day I get with him, even if it's just few hours a day, I want the chance to get them.
*sigh* Gonna sleep now.
So, I watched a movie. "The Last Song" chick flick type movie, but it's based off a book I read years ago.
In the movie, the girls father died. It made me think. Alot. I have alot of people that mean alot to me. I cried even harder when thinking exactly what they meant to me.
My father is my world. When I first got here, I wanted to scream and yell at him all the time. He wasn't helping me, he hurt me more than anything. It took me time, and i had to get over myself.. but I see it now. He loves me so much, and seeing me like this breaks his heart. I can see it in his eyes everytime he looks at me. So, he makes it so that he's hardly here during the day when i'm doing most of my moving around. He doesn't get things for me, or do things for me because he knows i'm a Collins, and most defiantly my fathers daughter. I may be hurt, i may not be able to do some things, but I know my limits and I don't want sympathy from anybody. I want to do things on my own, I want my independence, even though right now it's bout as much as a teenager. He loves me. He's offered to buy me whatever I want/need or even think will make me more comfortable. I refuse most all he offers because I don't need him spending his money on me. Every night he'll spend at least 2 hours with me in the basement watching stargate sg-1 and listening to me babble as I color pictures with my crayons. He involves me in his life, and he's not keeping secrets. I trust him. I've grown closer to my dad since i've been here, and i'm so thankful for it. We don't see eachother often, just those few hours at night and the rare hour or so during the day.. And we don't say it, but I know he loves me. And with his actions, I can see it. I can feel it. I think my dad is like me in thinking it's the little things in life that make it worthwhile. I feel closer to my dad than I have in.. my entire life.
I've spent the last 3 hours, crying. Sobbing into my pillow like a little girl. I cling to the giant stuffed bear that Josh got me for Valentines Day earlier this year. It's the closest thing I have to him anymore. For awhile there, when I first got here, I could smell him on the bear. I don't think I put it down for three whole days. I clung to that thing like it was my life support system. I'm alot better about Josh not being here. I've toned my emotions down a hell of a lot. I haven't let go of him or the way I feel about him, but i've accepted whats going on. I've struggled with acceptance for a very long time. It's another thing he's helped me with.
I miss him alot tonight, I really want him to be here holding me and rocking me slowly. I want to feel the warmth of his shoulder and have my cheek scratched by his fuzzy chest hair.
I don't understand how I can remember some of the things that I remember about him. Alot of it just seems trivial, but I can't make myself forget it.
When he doesn't shave his head for awhile, I could run my fingers over his tiny little hairs. So soft, softer than a peach's fuzz.
The concentrated face he got when he was really into his game. Haha, such a dork.
The way his butt moved when he walked away from me, naked.
What he looked like lying in the tub, taking a bath. Like a giant trying to squeeze himself into a tiny little car.
The way his chest moved when he slept. The way he slept sometimes, on his stomach with his head propped up on his hands. Haha. that was always funny.
His mandals. Omg, Nobody can pull off a mandal look like Josh could.
I'd like to say i'm confident that him and I can mend things and we can be together again. Though, i'm not sure if that will happen. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, though when we talked.. he told me something that made my heart soar. He still has feelings for me..
It didn't make me jump for joy or anything, just made me feel so much better. I really thought that he had just decided that he didn't love me, that i was done and over and wasn't worth any second of thought anymore. I didn't understand because that wasn't like the Josh, I knew and fell in love with, made me feel like I didn't know him at all, like I thought I did.. What it did, was tell me he's still there. My Josh is still in there, he's not become heartless..
I really, really want to see him. Even if it's just in passing. Phil has been driving around with me lately, practicing so he can get his license. I can't even count the number of times i've contemplated having him drive all the way to Sandusky, just so we can drive down Bogart Rd a few dozen times so that I could catch a glimpse of him and wave. I decided i'm not that pathetic though. I simply Miss Him, Alot.
I should try to sleep, it's 6am almost. I'd like to be able to wake up and take a shower tomorrow before we go to the pet store, daddy told me he'd buy me fish tomorrow. Said it's a present! i'm kind of excited about it. My new fishtank is about to get some occupants!
I've been listening to Ozzy lately.. Lay Your World On Me, is a good song. So is, Here For You. They make me think of him.. But in a good way. A way that says, I'm ok with being your friend.. just let me stay in your life. If you don't want to love me, i'm not ok with that.. But in time I will be. I can handle it.
We all laugh and we all cry
We all hurt the same inside
We all fall down and we lose faith in who we really are
But if we bend instead of break
The choice for us is to make it together
Lay your world on me
"Lay your world on me"-Ozzy
I don't wanna live in yesterday
Cross my heart until I die
Don't wanna know just what tomorrow may bring
Because today has just begun
No matter whatever else I've done
I'm here for you
"I'm Here For You"-Ozzy
The last one there, constantly makes me think of the chance I want with him. I don't want to try again in the shadow of what happened the first time round. I know it will always be there, but it should not be allowed power over our relationship. I'd like to take it a day at a time, and see where we go. I want to enjoy each day I get with him, even if it's just few hours a day, I want the chance to get them.
*sigh* Gonna sleep now.