trust is for those not disillusioned with it all
so i'm not going to lie. the past couple weeks have just about been the worst i've had in awhile. and i feel like i sound incredibly emo when i say that. but whatever... i just use this thing to vent anyways.
it all started when we went to the beach. actually... no. it started before that. when a good friend told me i was a different person when i'm with another friend of mine. i thought alot about that. i started watching my behavior with friend B and realizing that friend A was right. when i'm around friend B i start to feel like i did back in high school. you know... awkward, shy around people, insignificant, desperate for attention from anyone i could get it from and then desperate to keep it once i got it. i'd go to incredibly lengths to keep my "friends" happy and liking me. i really didn't like myself in high school. then i found myself when i went to college. i got happier, more social, started to really enjoy being me and love life. then beach project happened and i found myself unable to live without being around people.. alot of people. but they were people that i didn't have to try to please, they genuinely liked me for who i was. i come home and friend B and i hang out alot more than we did the previous year. i start to feel inferior again. like i'm some kind of subhuman that should be happy for any human contact. then i get back in school and start to feel like me again and realize that it's a bad thing feeling like i do with friend B. we stop talking. a few months later i go through a major crisis and trust no one but friend B to spill all to. so we start talking again. things go okay for awhile... until i'm out of school for a few weeks between the spring semester and the summer term. then we spend ridiculous amounts of time together and i start to get bitter again. then friend A tells me what i'm doing and i actually take the time to examine my behavior and look at that... friend A is right.
but back to the beach... friend B comes with my parents and me to the beach one weekend. i try to play the good host and make sure friend B has a good time. but i get frustrated because i can't ensure B's having a good time unless B tells me what B wants to do. so i blow up at B. but really, i'm blowing up at me too. because i shouldn't be so dependant on B all the time. although when we're together there is the lingering insecurity from high school that i have to make sure B is having a good time so that B will continue to like me and be my friend. but that's not what friendship is all about is it? so i fester in that thought process for a few days, then it's B's little sister's birthday. i go to the party like the dutiful friend and spend more time talking to B's sisters than to B. then we're sitting down to eat, B, a friend of B's, and myself staying inside and all the high school kids going outside, and it's like i'm invisible to B and B's friend. all they can talk about is going to a place they once went on a mission trip to and planning a trip there for next summer. (B's been telling me since B got back two years ago that we'd go together next time) B and friend decide that they need to invite B's sister and her boyfriend without a title. I know it's silly, but that actually hurt... alot. It's one of those things that B and I had talked about doing, now B is sitting here talking about doing it with a member of the opposite sex that B had been into for over 4 years, B's sister, and the sister's boyfriednd, and B and friend are talking about it right in front of me as if i'm not even there. like i said i know it's silly but it still hurt.
so later that night i call B, telling B that we need to talk. as soon as we start getting to the heart of the matter, B tells me that we'll talk about it the next day, but B just has to go say bye to the sister. i'm like whatever. the next day there is no call from B, although that wasn't surprising. then i check myspace and find that B was more interested in going swimming than working things out. anyways... huge discussions ensue in the week and a half following, and now i'm sitting here wondering if i did the right thing. i mean, i know i deserve better treatment from my friends, but friend A drives me up a friggin wall sometimes and B could be a really good friend when B wanted to be. but good friends just dont do that kind of shit to their friends do they? i mean dont get me wrong... i still love B to pieces and will always be there if B ever actually NEEDS me, but i just can't be around B all the time. too much drama and I have my own life to live right? someone please tell me i'm not crazy.
on another note... school... is driving me nuts. one of my professors actually managed to make me cry the other day. the only thing keeping me in the class is the fact that it's only a 9 week session and not a full semester and it'll be over in a little over a month. but whatever.
i'm done with this crap.
it all started when we went to the beach. actually... no. it started before that. when a good friend told me i was a different person when i'm with another friend of mine. i thought alot about that. i started watching my behavior with friend B and realizing that friend A was right. when i'm around friend B i start to feel like i did back in high school. you know... awkward, shy around people, insignificant, desperate for attention from anyone i could get it from and then desperate to keep it once i got it. i'd go to incredibly lengths to keep my "friends" happy and liking me. i really didn't like myself in high school. then i found myself when i went to college. i got happier, more social, started to really enjoy being me and love life. then beach project happened and i found myself unable to live without being around people.. alot of people. but they were people that i didn't have to try to please, they genuinely liked me for who i was. i come home and friend B and i hang out alot more than we did the previous year. i start to feel inferior again. like i'm some kind of subhuman that should be happy for any human contact. then i get back in school and start to feel like me again and realize that it's a bad thing feeling like i do with friend B. we stop talking. a few months later i go through a major crisis and trust no one but friend B to spill all to. so we start talking again. things go okay for awhile... until i'm out of school for a few weeks between the spring semester and the summer term. then we spend ridiculous amounts of time together and i start to get bitter again. then friend A tells me what i'm doing and i actually take the time to examine my behavior and look at that... friend A is right.
but back to the beach... friend B comes with my parents and me to the beach one weekend. i try to play the good host and make sure friend B has a good time. but i get frustrated because i can't ensure B's having a good time unless B tells me what B wants to do. so i blow up at B. but really, i'm blowing up at me too. because i shouldn't be so dependant on B all the time. although when we're together there is the lingering insecurity from high school that i have to make sure B is having a good time so that B will continue to like me and be my friend. but that's not what friendship is all about is it? so i fester in that thought process for a few days, then it's B's little sister's birthday. i go to the party like the dutiful friend and spend more time talking to B's sisters than to B. then we're sitting down to eat, B, a friend of B's, and myself staying inside and all the high school kids going outside, and it's like i'm invisible to B and B's friend. all they can talk about is going to a place they once went on a mission trip to and planning a trip there for next summer. (B's been telling me since B got back two years ago that we'd go together next time) B and friend decide that they need to invite B's sister and her boyfriend without a title. I know it's silly, but that actually hurt... alot. It's one of those things that B and I had talked about doing, now B is sitting here talking about doing it with a member of the opposite sex that B had been into for over 4 years, B's sister, and the sister's boyfriednd, and B and friend are talking about it right in front of me as if i'm not even there. like i said i know it's silly but it still hurt.
so later that night i call B, telling B that we need to talk. as soon as we start getting to the heart of the matter, B tells me that we'll talk about it the next day, but B just has to go say bye to the sister. i'm like whatever. the next day there is no call from B, although that wasn't surprising. then i check myspace and find that B was more interested in going swimming than working things out. anyways... huge discussions ensue in the week and a half following, and now i'm sitting here wondering if i did the right thing. i mean, i know i deserve better treatment from my friends, but friend A drives me up a friggin wall sometimes and B could be a really good friend when B wanted to be. but good friends just dont do that kind of shit to their friends do they? i mean dont get me wrong... i still love B to pieces and will always be there if B ever actually NEEDS me, but i just can't be around B all the time. too much drama and I have my own life to live right? someone please tell me i'm not crazy.
on another note... school... is driving me nuts. one of my professors actually managed to make me cry the other day. the only thing keeping me in the class is the fact that it's only a 9 week session and not a full semester and it'll be over in a little over a month. but whatever.
i'm done with this crap.