Reasons to Love You: Engine Heart (14)
The bass of the music legitimately shakes Kat, feels the vibration through her feet and up. Or maybe that it’s just the nerves that are consuming her very thought. Or both… or the two swigs from the vodka bottle that Megan magically pulled out of her bag on the tube. Whatever it is, it makes Kat feel completely and utterly undone.
“Hurry the fuck up, cunt. We’re an hour late.” Megan calls to the begrudging Kat.
“Jesus, we don’t actually have to fucking arrive together, Meg. We’re twins-we’re not, like, conjoined.”
Meg looks back at her, tilts her head, and sighs, “Whatever.”
Kat watches as her probably more-sane half hastily walks up to the club.
She hates these moments where she’s left alone with her own perverted and frightening thoughts, and there are the ‘what ifs’ and ‘should I’, and Kat feels like taking a baseball bat, and smashing her head with it.
Luckily there is a “BABY FRODO!” and she turns around to see Kaya, stumbling her way up the hill.
Kat smiles, shouts, “You’re smashed, aren’t you?”
Kaya stumbles right up to Kat, grinning, and gasping for breath, “Fuck. I need to start working out.” Kaya straightens up, grabs for Kat’s hand, “Come on, baby. Mama’s gonna show you a good time.” Kaya winks; starts running towards the club, drags an amused Kat behind.
--
She’s lost Kaya, who fucks off somewhere. Probably with Jack-which makes Kat grit her teeth a little bit, and wander her barely covered bum to the bar.
She orders a lychee martini, feels like a cheated girlfriend: lonely and desperate. It reminds her of one of those really cheesy romantic comedy movies, where the heroine pines for the man they’re in love with-well woman- fuck it, person, and then proceeds to drown her sorrows in alcohol, which is exactly what Kat does.
There are even the drunken spazzing friends on the dance floor: Ollie and Lisa. It’s a rare occasion when Ollie gets pissed, probably because he couldn’t really get away with it; his face always gets massively red. And Lisa-well, it’s usually so hard to tell whether or not Lisa’s under any sort of influence, because she’s always like that. It’s when Lisa flat out falls, Kat knows that Lisa has had one too many.
Then the part in the movie comes when the man the heroine is waiting for, comes up and buys her a drink, and thus starts the windfall of romantic jaunts.
Only the man is a girl, and the girl happens to be Lily Loveless.
“So I’ve figured out whether or not we had sex that night.” Lily purrs it in her ear, and Kat can’t even register the words, because the fact that Lily’s mouth is pressed up against her ear is enough for Kat to go insane.
But she turns around, gives Lily a quick peck on the cheek, “Oh really? And, like, did we?”
Lily smirks, “Well Kitty, that’s for me to know and you to find out. But, while you try to find out, I’ll take it upon myself to seduce you on the dance floor.” She winks, and Kat chokes on the liquid sliding down her throat.
Kat, still coughing, rolls her eyes, lightens her voice, “Oh Lily, you do know how to make me hot.”
Lily looks at Kat, smile drops, “Yes I do. And I do love it-Kat-this is really hard for me to say… but I think I might actually love you.”
And Kat can’t tell whether or not she’s joking. It takes her a minute of looking down at the floor, drink sweating in her hand, Kat’s heart fucking frolicking for Lily to start hysterically laughing.
Kat feels the red of her hair leak onto her face, “Fuck you, Loveless.”
--
They eventually make their way to the dance floor, and Lily grabs Kat from behind; starts swaying her hips to the groove.
They fit together weirdly enough, like the odd pieces in a jigsaw puzzle; there’s awkwardness, but nevertheless the shapes fit. Three songs go by, and they don’t move from their spot. Kat focuses on the swing of lily’s hips, the way her heart leaps and bounds, and all of the sudden, she is in the romantic comedy. It’s so ridiculous cheesy and perfect and then,
“Kat,” Lily whispers it into Kat’s neck; tickles Kat’s buzzing senses, “Kidding aside, I think I actually might lo-“
“FRODO.” Kaya suddenly appears out of thin air, tugging along Jack, who is longingly gazing at the ass of some raven haired girl, “I thought I lost you!” She yells it over the music, and Kat pulls away from a peeved Lily to hear her.
“You did. You fucked off-you like went off with him.” She shouts back.
Kaya squints her eyes, mimes to her ears, and shakes her head; “Anyway I’ve got a little fun baggy! You-MY BITCH A CHOOSEY LOVER, NEVER FUCK WITHOUT A RUBBER, NEVER IN THE SHEETS, LIKE IT ON TOP OF THE COVER, Money on the dresser, drive a compressor, Top notch hoes get the most, not the lesser.” Kaya grabs her hand, leads her away far far away from Lily, “YOUR BITCH CHOOSE ME, YOU AIN’T A PIMP, YOU A FAIRY.”
Kat tries to look back, but only sees blonde hair slinking back into the crowd.
--
“Bilbo Baggins, a big fat faggin, for his life as hobbit is boring, he just wants to bop it and be whoring…” Kaya sings to herself; places 2 wondrous pills in Kat’s hand.
“Kaya, what the fuck are you singing?”
“Don’t you know Faggin Baggins?”
“Erm. No. Because I’m pretty sure you just made that up, like, right now.”
Kaya pops three into her mouth, “You know me too well, Buttercup. I think I’m going to go into music as well.”
Kat pops the pills as well, “You mean on top of your detective career?”
“Yes.”
“Oh god, no.”
“Do you not have faith in me?” Kaya pulls a puppy dogface, and Kat wants to just pet her.
“No. I have no absolutely no faith in you.” Kaya deepens her pout, Kat rolls her eyes, “If you have any ounce of lo-admiration for me, do not begin a music career.”
“Were you just about to say love?” Kaya leans back against the wall.
“No.” It’s short and curt, and probably makes Kat look guilty of toying around with an emotion that should be off limits, in all ways possible.
--
The sink has never felt better in her entire life; it’s smooth and cool at the same time; the water illuminates the sheer whiteness of it, and then when Kaya places a small kiss on her neck, Kat feels ripples ride out through the sink, and it amazes her.
“Kathryn?” Kaya’s voice booms, and Kat watches the waves as they bounce off the walls.
She focuses (or tries to) back on Kaya; examines her face; the light freckles, the ruby lips that are always pursed, the bright-no that’s Lily’s-the dark blue eyes that are bordering insane, “Hmm?” Thinks God, she’s like fucking gorgeous.
Kaya grabs Kat’s face; steadies it near hers, “I think… I think I think that we’d be good together.”
Kat doesn’t quite register it, lets her face soften; eyebrow quirks, “What?”
“Like… what do the gay hobbits call it? Girlfriends? Yeah, like I think we’d be good girlfriends. Really-“ Kaya kisses her; hard, right on the mouth, caressing Kat’s bottom lip, “Good.”
When it actually hits Kat, a sonic boom is heard. Like a fucking bomb goes off, and Kat’s heart is all over the place: running, leaping, crying, singing. She smiles, and kisses Kaya right on the nose. She leans forward, eyes closed, waits for the nose-kiss back.
Only Kaya doesn’t, and Kat remembers wrong person, and snaps her eyes back open. Watches as a tsunami of lust takes hold of Kaya’s face; then actually sees a tsunami, screams and jumps up.
“Holy Fuck. HOLY. FUCK. Did you-like did you see? It came this way-it was like whoosh-and there was-the water-HOLY FUCK.”
Kaya slowly stands up, smiles, “Oh Emily, we’ll be so good.” Gives Kat a kiss and walks out of the bathroom.
--
She skates over the floor; her feet just will not fucking move, so she taken to floating-on little air-she wants to save some for Lily, and Kaya, when the world ends due to the tsunami; holds her breath, and looks for someone.
“Kat! What’s up chickadee?” Jack saunters over; sweat is gathered on his top lip; makes him look like an albino mariachi.
She blinks once, twice, three times, swallows, and mumbles, “Hi.”
He squints; tries to figure out the why of this scenario, “Kat… what are you on?”
“Hm? Life. I’m on life. And there are waves-I mean, like-the waves-they’re huge, and scary. I’ve never, like, met a shark, but-because of the waves-I will. They’ll travel from the ocean, like, fucking surfing the waves, until blam, you’ve got a fucking shark on you, and-“ And then it dawns on her, she’s talking to Jack, Kaya’s Jack, the Jack that Kaya has cheated on with her, like too many times, and… fuck, “I shouldn’t be talking to you.”
“Oi! Come on! Why not? We’re just getting the party started!” He smiles at her, looks to the dancing mass, shouts, “OGIE OGIE OGIE!”
“You’re Jack.”
“Correct you are. Surprised you, have I?”
“No-It’s just you’re Jack, and I’ve-we’ve-she’s yours, but she’s mine, and then, like I got really confused, because I was Emily. But then I was Frodo… and then I was Buttercup, and-it’s just all very confusing-there’s a tsunami that’s about to be here-arrive-so I have to make it-I can’t be purged, right? She’s not yours. You’re not solely a unit of love. I’ve loved the unit too-so it makes it a triangle-I think. But then there’s her, and I’m not sure what to think-which makes it a rectangle.“ Kat looks down at her shoes, ventures further into her drug-hazed mind, “I mean, they’re both, lovely-gorgeous-hot, like, really hot. Only she’s got you, and she’s got him-Lover boy-William Massey, who I want to be goblin, but he fucking won’t be-and he’s lovely as well. And then she’s got Jack-“
He holds up his hand, “Are you talking about Kaya?”
She looks up, surprised, like she forgot she wasn’t spilling her secrets to herself, “No. Yes. I can’t lie, Jack… the Lad. Jack the Lad, Jack the fucking Lad.” She looks down, clenches her firsts together, and brings them to her face, “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
She doesn’t even have to look at Jack to know his facial expression, the tight-lipped, jaw muscles rippling, his eyes wide; his voice thick with pure hurt, “Right.” He leaves, and Kat touches the ground again at a startling rate; tries to rid herself of the overwhelming guilt that has now overtaken her entire body.
--
“What the fuck was that?” Meg says it, raises an eyebrow, and sips her champagne.
“Nothing.” Kat’s feet feel heavy now.
“Yeah, that was absolutely nothing, Kathryn. You’re high as a fucking kite, Jack’s really fucking upset, and something about ‘you’ve also loved the unit.’ It’s absolutely nothing. Christ, I almost forgot,” Meg readjusts her position, smoothes down her skirt, sets her champagne down; then suddenly grabs Kat’s hands, “WHAT IN BLOODY HELL IS THE FUCK WRONG WITH YOU? You fucked Kaya, while she was with Jack, while there are things going on with Blondie that I don’t want to know about, and she has a boyfriend… and Kathryn… Like, Jesus.”
“Go off and, like, fuck Luke, or somebody.” Kat mutters, examines the redness of her nails, and starts to ponder as of why she likes red so much.
Meg looks at her for another 30 seconds, then releases her arms, “I think I will.”
--
She finds Kaya petting the wall. Sits across from her, and watches-creepily so-but Kat’s still light on her feet, still dizzy as all get out, still high as a fucking bird. She traces Kaya’s hand, then her arm, to her neck and then to her puffy red eyes.
“Fuck.” She mutters. “You okay?” Points at Kaya’s eyes, as if to bring it to Kaya’s attention.
“No.” Kaya sniffs, looks straight at Kat, “He broke up with me.”
“I-I-didn’t you want that?” She asks it sincerely, “I mean-because you, like-you said we’d be good together, right?” Kat looks down again.
“That wasn’t your place to do anything about, Kat. And I loved him, so no. I didn’t want that.”
Kat snaps her head back up, “But you said in the loo that-“
“It’s possible to love two people.” Kaya smiles, sniffs again.
Kat stares at her; slack jawed; heart pounding again, only that might be because of the drugs. And then she gets angry, “No.” Shakes her head, “No it’s not. Because that’s not fair. You can’t love two people equally, because then some one always gets, like, fucking hurt.”
“You love me, and you love Lily. What’s the difference?”
“I don’t-I don’t love you.”
Kaya raises her eyebrows, “You don’t?”
“No. I mean, I do. Just-it’s different, okay? It’s fucking different, because both of you actually have somebody. And I-I don’t. I don’t have anybody. And guess what?” Kat’s voice cracks, “I fucking want somebody. I don’t want you because you have-had Jack. You belonged to somebody else, and that’s not fair to him. It’s not, because he loves you. And you-to you, I’m different, I’m something new. I have bright red fucking hair, and am cute, or whatever. And that’s cool, because it’s like different. But you don’t love me, Kaya. You like me, you like to fuck me, and that was good-I liked it. I liked having somebody, even if it was, like, as characters or whatever. But you have somebody, somebody who is fucking real, and lovely, and loves you-and is not, like, as pathetic as I am.” She smiles, blinks back the burning sensation in her eyes; swallows a few times, “And Lily-“
“Kat.” Kaya grabs her hands.
Kat sighs, “Yeah.”
“I know.”
--
They reach some sort of conclusion, which consists of Kaya kissing Kat, whispering something inaudible, and walking away.
By the time she sees Lily, Kat’s sober and sobbing.
--
“Awww, I’ll miss you too,” Lily rubs her back, elicits another harsh sob from Kat. Lily presses a kiss to Kat’s shoulder, “Really, Kitty-what’s up?”
Kat bites her lip until she tastes blood, tries to stifle the words she wishes she had just said, and then it comes out; like a rush of water, dripping, and heavy and regretful, “I-I-Jesus, this is ridiculous-I think I might lo-“
“We didn’t. By the way.” Lily cuts her off, continues to draw circles on Kat’s back, “We didn’t have-you know-I tried. But you wouldn’t.”
“What?”
“You wouldn’t.”
--
“Kitty, I have-“ Lily stumbles against the door, slamming it shut. “I have to ask you something. OK?”
Kat kicks off her shoes; watches them hit the wall. “Yes? Count Lilcula.” Giggles.
“Do you like Kaya?” Lily leans against the door; waits expectantly.
Kat’s mouth goes dry; it’s a simple question. Or it should be. Kat leans back on her hands; studies Lily’s face slowly. She doesn’t know what to say; yes means something quite different, something much deeper, and no means that she hasn’t fucked Kaya three times, and didn’t like it. “Why-“ Kat sighs, swings her head around, “-Why do you want to know?” Brings her head back around; stares at Lily; bites her lip.
Lily shakes her head; grips the door-handle, “I should go.”
“Lily.”
“No, it was a stupid question. I’m gonna go.”
Kat leaps from the bed; slams the door closed; pins Lily against it. Her voice is gruff, “No. Lily-answer my question.”
“You… You, Kitty. Kat. Kathryn Fucking Prescott… you-- You need-” Lily brings her hands up; cups Kat’s face. Kat can’t even think with Lily’s hands grasping her face, not to mention the proximity of Lily’s lips to hers. Lily is just staring at her (not that she hasn’t gotten used to it-well, that’s a lie. Lily’s eyes always seem bluer than the last time, and it always startles Kat).
She gulps, inhales slowly, “Lily-“ Lily kisses her nose. Makes Kat’s heart race; places her hands on Lily’s shoulders, kisses Lily’s cheek; grins.
Then, “Fuck. I’m really hot,” and Lily side steps Kat, walks over to the bed, throws her shirt off; looks back at Kat, widens her eyes, “Let’s take a cold bath.”
Kat is still facing the door; arms hanging haphazardly by her side, “What?” turns to face Lily, steadies herself against the door.
“I-I-I-I-I-I” Lily pulls down her pants; stands there-sways there in her blue bra and pink knickers, arms open wide, “I want to take a bath. Now.”
The brilliant thing about being plastered is that what happened in the last five minutes is forgotten, and is replaced with the urge to take a bath with the half naked drunk girl who is singing in front of her. So off goes Kat’s jean jacket, then black shirt, skinny jeans, and socks. Kat braves it, unsnaps her bra; lets it fall by her side, “Alright. Lets do it.” Takes pleasure in Lily’s slack jaw, “Off with the bra, Loveless.”
Lily’s eyes snap back up to Kat’s face; crosses her arms over her breasts, “Nu-uh. These are saaacred.”
“Taaaake it off.”
“Why? So you can perv over me?”
Kat blushes; thinks quickly, comes up with the lamest excuse, “So, you know, like, erm… you don’t ruin it?”
Lily stumbles back onto the bed, “Oh. Right then, off it comes." Kat watches, amused, as Lily struggles with the undoing of her bra, which makes Kat suddenly quite aware of her topless chest; covers her breasts with her hands; hears a “EUREKA! I GOT IT!” followed by a giggle, then watches Lily’s bra soar through the air and out the window. “Lily, your bra just went-“
“Bath!” Lily runs to the bathroom, start the bath, throws her knickers out the door; hops into the water, “FUCK! IT’S COLD.”
Kat falls to the floor, laughing. Crawls her way into the bathroom. Her breath catches at the sight of Lily; completely nude, head tilted back, hair splayed outwards, blue eyes glued to brown ones. And then Kat falls in love, just like that. She’s turned on, sure; but just the sight of Lily makes her want to do circles around a running track (which Kat would never do) and save the world, makes her feel invincible, elated, in fucking love.
“Take off the knickers, get in here, and keep me warm.” Lily demands, a smile breaking out across her face.
Kat does; slides her knickers slowly down her legs, and crawls into the freezing cold water; falls. On Lily. In the Buff. Body parts smashed against body parts.
“Fuck, sorry.” Tries to push off Lily, only to be held firmly in place.
Lily grunts, “No” and then takes one hand and lifts Kat’s chin. “Kat, do you like me?”
Kat nods, then watches as Lily leans down and brushes her lips against Kat’s. Kat closes her eyes, allows her lips to slowly envelop Lily’s, smiles as rush of warmth floods through her. Lily slides even further back; shoves the drain aside, and the world continues as two naked girls kiss, water draining around them, and bodies become thoroughly heated.
--
Dripping wet, they make their way to the bed. Kat, on her tippy toes, lies on top of Lily, and then suddenly pulls back, “Lily?”
“Yesss?”
“I don't just like you. I think-I think I love you.”
Lily makes a face, “You stopped this just to tell me that?”
“…Yes. I had to tell you!”
Lily rolls them over, her knee dangerously near Kat’s centre, “Silly. I already knew that.” She stoops down, kisses Kat’s collarbone, starts moving lower.
--
“William.” Kat breathes it, wide-eyed.
“Pardon?”
“We stopped because you, like, have a boyfriend, Lily.” States it as a fact, unchanging, unmoving, “And fortunately I had enough dignity, and self control to stop, before we fucked things up.”
Lily bites her lip, her eyes stationary on the wall next to them, “Yeah.”
“Right, well that made me feel so much better.”
“Oh come on, don’t be mad. We can have a laugh about this.”
“I’m not mad.” Lily gives a look; Kat shakes her head, “No honestly, I’m not. We’ll laugh about it, or something. It’ll be a laugh.”
There’s a long pause, then, “Was it true?”
“Was what true?”
“What you said?”
“Okay, Lily, English please. We’re not in a fucking cop show… you know, you can be like… clear?”
“I can’t believe I’m fucking saying this, but was it true, what you said? That you-erm, you know-loved me?”
“Oh Jesus, Lily, can you get ANY more cheesy?”
“You haven’t seen nothing, gurlfrand.”
Kat laughs, then steadies her voice, bites her lip ring, “Yes.”
“Yes?
“Yes.”
“Good.” Kat takes it as an “I love you too”.
--
The next two hours, everybody cries. Luke makes a ridiculous speech as Meg’s lipstick is all over his face, Ollie throws up, Lisa takes care of him, Kaya just dances, and Jack sulks in a corner. Kat and Lily sit, plays hand games, occasionally looks up at each other, and smiles.
--
The morning is a bitch, and Kat almost forgets the interview scheduled at 10:30.
Has too make sure that her jumping-off-the-walls-two-year-old-happily-in-love isn’t too obvious. Slips up a few times, but other than that it’s okay.
Until Will comes to meet them, and then Kat gets really fucking freaked out, avoids Lily for most of the day, hangs out with Ollie.
--
“I need a boyfriend.”
Makes Meg choke on her cereal, “What? I thought you were a lezzy?”
“I’m not.” Kat sips her tea. “I’m not.” She doesn’t know if it’s to reassure Meg or herself, “Do you know anybody?”
“Sweetie, I know everybody. We’ll get you one in no time.”
“Thanks.” She says it as her heart breaks down. Reminds herself to replace it, like it was a fucking engine… or something.