too long
I've been reading posts on here for a long time, but haven't posted. Maybe it's time I start again. I don't even think anyone reads this, but it will help me feel better.
I realized a while ago I have a lot of "friends", but not any real friends. Sure I have over 400 facebook friends, and over 150 numbers in my cell phone. But I never really see anyone. The past five years I was juggling grad school, work, Jon's schedule, and Christopher's schedule putting myself last. I would get out on ocasion, but not often. When I did get out people seemed surprised to see me, and said hi, but there was nothing to really talk about. I had no life beyond work, school and home.
I've tried to get out. I'd call/text/message people to go out/hang out. Everyone is always busy. They tell me they are booked a month in advance. So I ask to be penciled in for the next month, and nothing happens. What made me especially mad were a few people who you always see posting on facebook how they are there when popele really need them, or have said to call if it was something important. So I'd call them, saying please, I need to get out for a few hours, or if I have having a really bad time could they squeeze me in just to chat in person. Time after time my messages were ignored, or I was told they were too busy, but to try them in a few weeks.
After a while it can really take a toll. I've always felt like the ugly ducking. I've never been popular. I always give everything I have when people need me. So why is it so hard when I need anything for someone to be there for me?
I've spent the last few years supporting Jon is shows, with his running, and the band. And it kills me. I hate watching him run to rehearsal, having fun with his friends. Watching him get to do what I had to give up to take care of our family. He says he understands, but he can't. He's never missed a night out at a Broadway show that he wanted to see because we didn't have a babysitter. He's never had to say no to an audition because of classes at night, or no to a band gig, or a night out gaming.
I miss theatre. Finally now that school is over I madde the decision to get back into it somehow. Then I got the call of a lifetime, to audition for a production of Les Miserables, and I started working on my song. I've dreamed about doing this show since I first saw it on Broadway is 1990. Then I found out that Jon's older sister's wedding is the same time as the 2nd weekend of the show. So I can't do it. I'm still feeling defeated.
Work sucks. I'm about to hit my 10 year anniversary as a drug counselor, at the school I started in. I can't find a job as a guidance counselor due to a hiring freeze. There will most likely be a position opening at my school in the fall, and they didn't even tell me about it. I found out when poeple were coming in to interview for the position. So I called the principal and told him that I was a licenced guidance counselor, and would LOVE to interview for the job. He said no, that they wouldn't hire me in that capacity. Great. Yet another disappointment.
Things have got to start looking up. I don't know how much more I can take. All I want is to feel like a person, not just a mom, wife, person at work.
I realized a while ago I have a lot of "friends", but not any real friends. Sure I have over 400 facebook friends, and over 150 numbers in my cell phone. But I never really see anyone. The past five years I was juggling grad school, work, Jon's schedule, and Christopher's schedule putting myself last. I would get out on ocasion, but not often. When I did get out people seemed surprised to see me, and said hi, but there was nothing to really talk about. I had no life beyond work, school and home.
I've tried to get out. I'd call/text/message people to go out/hang out. Everyone is always busy. They tell me they are booked a month in advance. So I ask to be penciled in for the next month, and nothing happens. What made me especially mad were a few people who you always see posting on facebook how they are there when popele really need them, or have said to call if it was something important. So I'd call them, saying please, I need to get out for a few hours, or if I have having a really bad time could they squeeze me in just to chat in person. Time after time my messages were ignored, or I was told they were too busy, but to try them in a few weeks.
After a while it can really take a toll. I've always felt like the ugly ducking. I've never been popular. I always give everything I have when people need me. So why is it so hard when I need anything for someone to be there for me?
I've spent the last few years supporting Jon is shows, with his running, and the band. And it kills me. I hate watching him run to rehearsal, having fun with his friends. Watching him get to do what I had to give up to take care of our family. He says he understands, but he can't. He's never missed a night out at a Broadway show that he wanted to see because we didn't have a babysitter. He's never had to say no to an audition because of classes at night, or no to a band gig, or a night out gaming.
I miss theatre. Finally now that school is over I madde the decision to get back into it somehow. Then I got the call of a lifetime, to audition for a production of Les Miserables, and I started working on my song. I've dreamed about doing this show since I first saw it on Broadway is 1990. Then I found out that Jon's older sister's wedding is the same time as the 2nd weekend of the show. So I can't do it. I'm still feeling defeated.
Work sucks. I'm about to hit my 10 year anniversary as a drug counselor, at the school I started in. I can't find a job as a guidance counselor due to a hiring freeze. There will most likely be a position opening at my school in the fall, and they didn't even tell me about it. I found out when poeple were coming in to interview for the position. So I called the principal and told him that I was a licenced guidance counselor, and would LOVE to interview for the job. He said no, that they wouldn't hire me in that capacity. Great. Yet another disappointment.
Things have got to start looking up. I don't know how much more I can take. All I want is to feel like a person, not just a mom, wife, person at work.