Summary of Dana
I'm stealing this idea from Chase.
What follows shall be a history of my life, all 25 years of it. I'm curious as to what the hell I remember. I've only gotten to high school tonight, but I'll try to do the other half tomorrow.
1980: On November 2nd, I am born to parents Deborah and Nick four days before my due date at Staten Island Hospital in Staten Island, New York around 4:30 in the afternoon. I can't say I really remember the experience particularly well, but I am told I was about 8 lbs.
1981: My mother, father and I live in our three bedroom house in Great Kills, Staten Island. The public becomes aware that the Brookfield Landfill, located in Great Kills and shut down in 1980, was a dump site for hazardous materials and toxic waste. My family lives on Brookfield Avenue, and I can see the landfill from my front yard.
1982: My family gets a cat named Layla. Layla is a whore and gives birth frequently to litters of kittens. My older step-brother Jason stays with us on the weekends - he's 7 - and we go into the basement with mom to see a new litter that Layla has just given birth to in a cardboard box. There are a few live kittens, but the image that sticks with me is the small kitten head that Layla is eating when we arrive. Mmm. I also remember going to a rehearsal for "No, No Nanette" with Dad, who had a starring role.
1983: Not much is really coming to me about this year. I'm three. Sorry.
1984: I begin pre-school at Tanglewood Nursery School. I was Cheer Bear for Halloween that year. She was the Care Bear with the rainbow on her tummy - go figure. My best friend is a boy named Michael Zizzaman. My parents, for whatever reason, think that "Zizzaman" is too funny a name to be real, and so for nearly a year they humor me when I talk about him, truly believing Michael Zizzaman to be my imaginary friend. They met him at graduation.
1985: On October 31st, my little brother Nicky is born. I start kindergarten at P.S. 32. I have a witch named Mrs. Leason for a teacher and I hate her. My mom frequently dresses me in frilly socks. I cry when there are fire drills, probably because my dad is a fireman and I hear such lovely, not child appropriate stories from him around the dinner table when mom says, "How was work today?" I meet the kids that I am going to spend most of my childhood growing up with. I also start taking dance classes at Berry Dance School, and I perform onstage for the first time in a dance recital wearing a red tutu, dancing to "Standin' on the Corner."
1986: I start first grade. My teacher is a phenomenally tall woman with white hair named Mrs. Tikijian. My dog Tex, which I remember from as early as I have memories, is put to sleep. Shortly afterwards, my cat Louis disappears. My mom tells me Louis probably found a good home with another family. (I find out years later that a few days after Louis's buddy Tex was put to sleep, mom found Louis dead, floating in the pool - an apparent suicide.) I have my second dance recital - this time with a pink feather boa, a dress, and oversized hat to "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend." I also start to play T-ball, with dad as an assisstant coach. I see "Cats" on Broadway and spend most of the show frightened.
1987: Second grade. I have a cranky teacher who smells funny named Mrs. Diamond, and who once makes a big deal in the hallway because one of the Special Ed. kids touched her. Her behavior led me to believe that you could contract Down Syndrome, and that mentally ill people were dirty because "you don't know where he's been or what he's touched." My dance school closes and they put a Tae Kwon Do school in it's place, which my parents enroll me in. I hate it and stop going after two classes. I start playing baseball on a boy's team with the YMCA - myself and my friend Janine are the only two girls in the league.
1988: Third grade - my first male teacher, and possibly the best teacher I've ever had. Mr. Gasparo uses humor to teach, conducts entire lessons in silence, plays characters (like Christopher Columbus) and let's us interview him, and takes us on really cool field trips. We went to the Statue of Liberty and I was terrified on the tiny metal spiral staircase in the statue itself, we went to Philladelphia, and we went to the World Trade Center. It was the only time I was ever on the roof of one of the Twin Towers. I also had a gi-normous crush on Mrs. Marranachio, the student teacher. It's the first "real" crush on a member of the same sex I remember having. I kiss a boy for the first time, my little boyfriend known as "Sal." I take gymnastics, where I mostly run around like a lunatic and don't enjoy it enough to re-enroll. I'm still playing baseball. This is my first year with the Girl Scouts, and I am frustrated by it because all we do are arts and crafts. I want to go camping, play sports, learn survival tactics - not glue cotton balls on an empty toilet paper roll to make a Christmas tree. My family takes a vacation to Tucson to visit Uncle Frank. This is, I later learn, the moment I was doomed. We get a Rottweiller named Max that tries to eat Nicky. We get rid of Max.
1989: Fourth grade - my second male teacher, Mr. Rosenfeld - not a good guy. My class puts on a Christmas play and I skip around the stage dressed as Frosty the Snowman. I discover the term "go with" means french kiss, thanks to my little boyfriend Joey. Or his twin brother Alan. Still not sure about that. I begin to take horseback riding lessons at the West Shore Stables on a mean little pony named Munchkin. I'm still playing baseball. I think this is the year I make my first Communion, and it's the first year I sing in the church choir. I see "Les Miserables" on Broadway and don't know what the fuck is going on. I join the school band and learn to play the flute. I'm pretty sure this is the year I take swimming lessons, but I hardly remember anything about it. Also, I go camping that year with the Girl Scouts at some place in upsate NY. It rains all weekend, I fall in the mud, and get strange blisters full of gunk on my hands, I run from a bear, there are spiders in the tent, and one of the girls I'm bunking with wets the bed. I hate camping, and I quit the Girl Scouts. At Sean's house in NJ, my four year old little brother is playing on the shallow steps of the pool when he slips and falls into the water. No one sees him, and I turn around to find him floating face down, kicking and flailing but unable to lift his head up or turn upright. I grab him and lift him up and yell for my mother, who jumps in the pool fully clothed to get him. $50 says Nicky has no memory of this ever happening.
1990: Fifth grade - This is the hardest school year I've ever had because of Mrs. LoPresti. This large woman's excuse was that she was preparing us for Junior High, but in truth, I think she was just a sadist. I'm 9 and reading "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" in her class. I worked my butt off in that class. I'm still playing baseball, and by now I'm really good at it. I start to play second base. I'm still playing the flute and taking horeseback riding lessons, and I play Cha Cha Degregorio in my class's production of "Grease." I'm not good. I sing in the church choir, and begin to realize in CCD class that Catholicism has holes big enough to drive a semi truck through. I see "The Secret Garden" on Broadway, and I'm bored out of my mind. My boyfriend, Erik, is an artist and probably grew up to be gay. I wore a lot of side pony tails, and joined the New Kids on the Block fan club. I spend most of my time riding my bike much farther from home then I'm allowed, and throwing a football around in the street with all of the boys in the neighborhood. I take tap and jazz classes, and perform "Tea for Two" (tap) and "Ghostbusters" (jazz) in a dance recital that year. My father calls me from work to tell me to turn on PBS and watch some musical they're showing instead of my usual "Beverly Hills, 90210." I check it out, and fall madly in love with Stephen Sondheim's "Into the Woods", and even more in love with Bernadette Peters. This is the moment where I decide that I'm going to be an actress. Mom buys us an ugly little puppy that we name Skippy. Cause she skipped.
1991: I start 6th grade at I.S. 75. I can't understand a word my Arabic teacher says, and I have him for English class. (Or as it was called there: Language Arts.) I want to take French, but my parents make me take Spanish. I resent them. I join the drama class. I stop playing the flute, and I fall off a horse and stop taking riding lessons as well. Starting to kind of realize that hey - maybe something might be a little different about me. I date Joey, but his teeth are big and it's weird to kiss him. We don't "go with" each other. At an all girl's sleepover, my friend Elizabeth tries to cuddle with me on the floor claiming she's afraid of the dark and it makes me so extremely uncomfortable I yell at her until she leaves me alone. I play Angelina - Christopher Columbus's childhood girlfriend, apparently - in the school play that year. I'm still playing baseball, and kicking some serious ass. I begin Kung Fu Wu Su classes, and I quickly excel. I win borough-wide Interpretive Reading Competition with the IHOP monologue from "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe." I do my first community theater show - "Oliver!" with Center Stage Productions. I'm in the children's ensemble, and since I don't have any solo speaking or singing parts you can't really tell how bad I am.
1992: Seventh grade starts - yep, something is definetly different about me. I find out that my Aunt Suzan is a lesbian, which totally freaks me out. I insist violently that being gay is a choice, which I think is disgusting, and won't budge my opinion one inch even when my mom tries to talk me out of it. But at CCD, I defend gay people when I find out that homosexuality is a sin. How dumb is that? Stupid Catholicism. I make my Confirmation that year, and I'm forced to wear a dress because the Catholic church isn't really all for women's lib. I get a perm. I look like a giant pubic hair. Boys at the YMCA have begun to realize that I have boobs, and I'm being harassed more than usual on the baseball team and my parents make me quit and start playing softball. On my church's all girl softball team. Or uniforms are hot pink. I am not amused. I get a tiny part in my school play that year, and I'm ticked. I play Sister Berthe in "The Sound of Music" with Staten Island Children's Theater. I'm terrible, and I can't sing more than three notes. I'm still taking Kung Fu, and by now beating the shit out of men twice my size and age in class. I'm pretty sure this was the year my mom and I were sparring, joking around in the house, and she decked me in the chin - she was never very good at pulling her punches - and knocks me out.
1993: I start the eight grade. I get cast in the school musical as the lead in "South Pacific." Around my 13th birthday party, which was by the way the first game of Spin the Bottle I ever oversaw, my parents mention to me that we're moving to Arizona. The house had been on the market for a few months, and they expect the deal to be finished early the following year. I am forced to drop out of the school musical, and say goodbye to my friends - most of whom I've grown up with since kindergarden. I am unable to do "Annie" with Staten Island Children's Theater, though I do take an acting class at Snug Harbor. I don't play softball. I see "Cats" - again - so Nicky can say he's seen a Broadway show, and it was the most "age appropriate."
1994: This is a hugely pivotal year for me. On January 4th, my family moves to Tucson, Arizona. We stay with Uncle Frank until we find a house. I'm devastated and I feel like my life is over. I finish my eight grade year at Townsend Middle School, where I am harrassed constantly for being white and for being from New York. My grades drop from A's to D's and F's because I'm miserable, and because the curriculum in Arizona is light years behind the curriculum in NY and I'm repeating lessons I'd done years earlier. My drama class is a joke. Half of the students are Special Ed, and the other half should be. We do "Juvie" by Jerome McDonoughMy parents make me join a softball league. I go to my first practice in jeans, a long sleeve denim shirt, and black combat boots. I don't go back. I pass out frequently at school because it's hot and they're remodeling the cafeteria so we are forced to eat lunch outside. I feel alone and different and scared and confused and angry. I have no friends. I put on weight. I get braces. I begin taking theater classes at A.C.T. - Agency of Crelin for Talent. The woman who runs it is a Method Actress, and therefore believes that all of her children students should be as well. She makes us to an exercise where we pull up painful memories and scream out loud at the people in our heads. I blame her for infusing in me a difficulty in adjusting to change and letting things go. That year I do "The Sound of Music" with ACT, but I play the Mother Abbess. I'm a little better than I was...though not much at all. That summer I do a musical revue where I perform "Let Me Entertain You" in a red sequin dress. It feels right and wrong at the same time - man, that one takes years to sort out. I cut my beautiful shoulder length blonde hair very short. I end up visiting NY during the holidays that December, and I hook up with a boy I'd grown up with. By hook up, I don't mean "have sex", but I do mean "go with." It's kind of boring. When I get back from New York, I'm sitting alone in my room one night watching TV when a movie called "Serving In Silence" comes on, based on the true story of General Margarette Cammermeyer, who was given a dishonorable discharge for being a lesbian. Glenn Close played the lead, and at one point in the movie she and the actress playing her girlfriend kiss - and a lightbulb goes off above my head. It was that moment that I finally realized - clear as day - why I'd always felt different. Well, duh. I'm a lesbian. It was as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I tell only my best friends back in NY.
1995: I am a freshman at Sabino High School who is overweight, has bad hair (tried to dye it red...didn't really work), and braces. I take beginning drama where I meet Traci, who will turn out to be one of my best friends. I'm still very depressed and not happy about being in Tucson, so my parents make me go to counseling. They also decide that I should take horseback riding lessons again and join 4H. I go to one 4H meeting and I'm horrified by the cowboy hats and country music. I don't go back. I get thrown off a horse and hurt pretty badly, and I do not get back on a horse for a decade. I'm still acting with A.C.T. - I do "All The World's A Stage", "Gypsy", and "The Wizard of Oz." I meet Nadia at A.C.T., and she becomes my first girlfriend. My older brother moves from back east to live with us because, as it turns out, Jason is also gay and his born again Christian mother and step father simply can't handle it. Jason and I come out to one another at the same time in his Fiero as we drive to downtown Saturday night and "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Mom figures it out and shows up at my bedroom door one night with a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes - I don't come out to my mom, she basically just tells me I'm gay. Good thing I already knew. I wear freedom rings to school and word gets out. I get picked on a good amount, pushed around by guys, taunted by girls. There are no role models for me, no one for me to look to - this is before Ellen, Rosie, Will and Grace, The L Word - being gay is still hush hush. Even Melissa Etheridge isn't out yet. I dyke out big time, imitating the stereotype because I don't know what else to do and I think this is expected of me. It doesn't help ease the torment. That year I play Lucy in "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." Drama is a blessing. I learn I look bad in overalls.
What follows shall be a history of my life, all 25 years of it. I'm curious as to what the hell I remember. I've only gotten to high school tonight, but I'll try to do the other half tomorrow.
1980: On November 2nd, I am born to parents Deborah and Nick four days before my due date at Staten Island Hospital in Staten Island, New York around 4:30 in the afternoon. I can't say I really remember the experience particularly well, but I am told I was about 8 lbs.
1981: My mother, father and I live in our three bedroom house in Great Kills, Staten Island. The public becomes aware that the Brookfield Landfill, located in Great Kills and shut down in 1980, was a dump site for hazardous materials and toxic waste. My family lives on Brookfield Avenue, and I can see the landfill from my front yard.
1982: My family gets a cat named Layla. Layla is a whore and gives birth frequently to litters of kittens. My older step-brother Jason stays with us on the weekends - he's 7 - and we go into the basement with mom to see a new litter that Layla has just given birth to in a cardboard box. There are a few live kittens, but the image that sticks with me is the small kitten head that Layla is eating when we arrive. Mmm. I also remember going to a rehearsal for "No, No Nanette" with Dad, who had a starring role.
1983: Not much is really coming to me about this year. I'm three. Sorry.
1984: I begin pre-school at Tanglewood Nursery School. I was Cheer Bear for Halloween that year. She was the Care Bear with the rainbow on her tummy - go figure. My best friend is a boy named Michael Zizzaman. My parents, for whatever reason, think that "Zizzaman" is too funny a name to be real, and so for nearly a year they humor me when I talk about him, truly believing Michael Zizzaman to be my imaginary friend. They met him at graduation.
1985: On October 31st, my little brother Nicky is born. I start kindergarten at P.S. 32. I have a witch named Mrs. Leason for a teacher and I hate her. My mom frequently dresses me in frilly socks. I cry when there are fire drills, probably because my dad is a fireman and I hear such lovely, not child appropriate stories from him around the dinner table when mom says, "How was work today?" I meet the kids that I am going to spend most of my childhood growing up with. I also start taking dance classes at Berry Dance School, and I perform onstage for the first time in a dance recital wearing a red tutu, dancing to "Standin' on the Corner."
1986: I start first grade. My teacher is a phenomenally tall woman with white hair named Mrs. Tikijian. My dog Tex, which I remember from as early as I have memories, is put to sleep. Shortly afterwards, my cat Louis disappears. My mom tells me Louis probably found a good home with another family. (I find out years later that a few days after Louis's buddy Tex was put to sleep, mom found Louis dead, floating in the pool - an apparent suicide.) I have my second dance recital - this time with a pink feather boa, a dress, and oversized hat to "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend." I also start to play T-ball, with dad as an assisstant coach. I see "Cats" on Broadway and spend most of the show frightened.
1987: Second grade. I have a cranky teacher who smells funny named Mrs. Diamond, and who once makes a big deal in the hallway because one of the Special Ed. kids touched her. Her behavior led me to believe that you could contract Down Syndrome, and that mentally ill people were dirty because "you don't know where he's been or what he's touched." My dance school closes and they put a Tae Kwon Do school in it's place, which my parents enroll me in. I hate it and stop going after two classes. I start playing baseball on a boy's team with the YMCA - myself and my friend Janine are the only two girls in the league.
1988: Third grade - my first male teacher, and possibly the best teacher I've ever had. Mr. Gasparo uses humor to teach, conducts entire lessons in silence, plays characters (like Christopher Columbus) and let's us interview him, and takes us on really cool field trips. We went to the Statue of Liberty and I was terrified on the tiny metal spiral staircase in the statue itself, we went to Philladelphia, and we went to the World Trade Center. It was the only time I was ever on the roof of one of the Twin Towers. I also had a gi-normous crush on Mrs. Marranachio, the student teacher. It's the first "real" crush on a member of the same sex I remember having. I kiss a boy for the first time, my little boyfriend known as "Sal." I take gymnastics, where I mostly run around like a lunatic and don't enjoy it enough to re-enroll. I'm still playing baseball. This is my first year with the Girl Scouts, and I am frustrated by it because all we do are arts and crafts. I want to go camping, play sports, learn survival tactics - not glue cotton balls on an empty toilet paper roll to make a Christmas tree. My family takes a vacation to Tucson to visit Uncle Frank. This is, I later learn, the moment I was doomed. We get a Rottweiller named Max that tries to eat Nicky. We get rid of Max.
1989: Fourth grade - my second male teacher, Mr. Rosenfeld - not a good guy. My class puts on a Christmas play and I skip around the stage dressed as Frosty the Snowman. I discover the term "go with" means french kiss, thanks to my little boyfriend Joey. Or his twin brother Alan. Still not sure about that. I begin to take horseback riding lessons at the West Shore Stables on a mean little pony named Munchkin. I'm still playing baseball. I think this is the year I make my first Communion, and it's the first year I sing in the church choir. I see "Les Miserables" on Broadway and don't know what the fuck is going on. I join the school band and learn to play the flute. I'm pretty sure this is the year I take swimming lessons, but I hardly remember anything about it. Also, I go camping that year with the Girl Scouts at some place in upsate NY. It rains all weekend, I fall in the mud, and get strange blisters full of gunk on my hands, I run from a bear, there are spiders in the tent, and one of the girls I'm bunking with wets the bed. I hate camping, and I quit the Girl Scouts. At Sean's house in NJ, my four year old little brother is playing on the shallow steps of the pool when he slips and falls into the water. No one sees him, and I turn around to find him floating face down, kicking and flailing but unable to lift his head up or turn upright. I grab him and lift him up and yell for my mother, who jumps in the pool fully clothed to get him. $50 says Nicky has no memory of this ever happening.
1990: Fifth grade - This is the hardest school year I've ever had because of Mrs. LoPresti. This large woman's excuse was that she was preparing us for Junior High, but in truth, I think she was just a sadist. I'm 9 and reading "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" in her class. I worked my butt off in that class. I'm still playing baseball, and by now I'm really good at it. I start to play second base. I'm still playing the flute and taking horeseback riding lessons, and I play Cha Cha Degregorio in my class's production of "Grease." I'm not good. I sing in the church choir, and begin to realize in CCD class that Catholicism has holes big enough to drive a semi truck through. I see "The Secret Garden" on Broadway, and I'm bored out of my mind. My boyfriend, Erik, is an artist and probably grew up to be gay. I wore a lot of side pony tails, and joined the New Kids on the Block fan club. I spend most of my time riding my bike much farther from home then I'm allowed, and throwing a football around in the street with all of the boys in the neighborhood. I take tap and jazz classes, and perform "Tea for Two" (tap) and "Ghostbusters" (jazz) in a dance recital that year. My father calls me from work to tell me to turn on PBS and watch some musical they're showing instead of my usual "Beverly Hills, 90210." I check it out, and fall madly in love with Stephen Sondheim's "Into the Woods", and even more in love with Bernadette Peters. This is the moment where I decide that I'm going to be an actress. Mom buys us an ugly little puppy that we name Skippy. Cause she skipped.
1991: I start 6th grade at I.S. 75. I can't understand a word my Arabic teacher says, and I have him for English class. (Or as it was called there: Language Arts.) I want to take French, but my parents make me take Spanish. I resent them. I join the drama class. I stop playing the flute, and I fall off a horse and stop taking riding lessons as well. Starting to kind of realize that hey - maybe something might be a little different about me. I date Joey, but his teeth are big and it's weird to kiss him. We don't "go with" each other. At an all girl's sleepover, my friend Elizabeth tries to cuddle with me on the floor claiming she's afraid of the dark and it makes me so extremely uncomfortable I yell at her until she leaves me alone. I play Angelina - Christopher Columbus's childhood girlfriend, apparently - in the school play that year. I'm still playing baseball, and kicking some serious ass. I begin Kung Fu Wu Su classes, and I quickly excel. I win borough-wide Interpretive Reading Competition with the IHOP monologue from "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe." I do my first community theater show - "Oliver!" with Center Stage Productions. I'm in the children's ensemble, and since I don't have any solo speaking or singing parts you can't really tell how bad I am.
1992: Seventh grade starts - yep, something is definetly different about me. I find out that my Aunt Suzan is a lesbian, which totally freaks me out. I insist violently that being gay is a choice, which I think is disgusting, and won't budge my opinion one inch even when my mom tries to talk me out of it. But at CCD, I defend gay people when I find out that homosexuality is a sin. How dumb is that? Stupid Catholicism. I make my Confirmation that year, and I'm forced to wear a dress because the Catholic church isn't really all for women's lib. I get a perm. I look like a giant pubic hair. Boys at the YMCA have begun to realize that I have boobs, and I'm being harassed more than usual on the baseball team and my parents make me quit and start playing softball. On my church's all girl softball team. Or uniforms are hot pink. I am not amused. I get a tiny part in my school play that year, and I'm ticked. I play Sister Berthe in "The Sound of Music" with Staten Island Children's Theater. I'm terrible, and I can't sing more than three notes. I'm still taking Kung Fu, and by now beating the shit out of men twice my size and age in class. I'm pretty sure this was the year my mom and I were sparring, joking around in the house, and she decked me in the chin - she was never very good at pulling her punches - and knocks me out.
1993: I start the eight grade. I get cast in the school musical as the lead in "South Pacific." Around my 13th birthday party, which was by the way the first game of Spin the Bottle I ever oversaw, my parents mention to me that we're moving to Arizona. The house had been on the market for a few months, and they expect the deal to be finished early the following year. I am forced to drop out of the school musical, and say goodbye to my friends - most of whom I've grown up with since kindergarden. I am unable to do "Annie" with Staten Island Children's Theater, though I do take an acting class at Snug Harbor. I don't play softball. I see "Cats" - again - so Nicky can say he's seen a Broadway show, and it was the most "age appropriate."
1994: This is a hugely pivotal year for me. On January 4th, my family moves to Tucson, Arizona. We stay with Uncle Frank until we find a house. I'm devastated and I feel like my life is over. I finish my eight grade year at Townsend Middle School, where I am harrassed constantly for being white and for being from New York. My grades drop from A's to D's and F's because I'm miserable, and because the curriculum in Arizona is light years behind the curriculum in NY and I'm repeating lessons I'd done years earlier. My drama class is a joke. Half of the students are Special Ed, and the other half should be. We do "Juvie" by Jerome McDonoughMy parents make me join a softball league. I go to my first practice in jeans, a long sleeve denim shirt, and black combat boots. I don't go back. I pass out frequently at school because it's hot and they're remodeling the cafeteria so we are forced to eat lunch outside. I feel alone and different and scared and confused and angry. I have no friends. I put on weight. I get braces. I begin taking theater classes at A.C.T. - Agency of Crelin for Talent. The woman who runs it is a Method Actress, and therefore believes that all of her children students should be as well. She makes us to an exercise where we pull up painful memories and scream out loud at the people in our heads. I blame her for infusing in me a difficulty in adjusting to change and letting things go. That year I do "The Sound of Music" with ACT, but I play the Mother Abbess. I'm a little better than I was...though not much at all. That summer I do a musical revue where I perform "Let Me Entertain You" in a red sequin dress. It feels right and wrong at the same time - man, that one takes years to sort out. I cut my beautiful shoulder length blonde hair very short. I end up visiting NY during the holidays that December, and I hook up with a boy I'd grown up with. By hook up, I don't mean "have sex", but I do mean "go with." It's kind of boring. When I get back from New York, I'm sitting alone in my room one night watching TV when a movie called "Serving In Silence" comes on, based on the true story of General Margarette Cammermeyer, who was given a dishonorable discharge for being a lesbian. Glenn Close played the lead, and at one point in the movie she and the actress playing her girlfriend kiss - and a lightbulb goes off above my head. It was that moment that I finally realized - clear as day - why I'd always felt different. Well, duh. I'm a lesbian. It was as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I tell only my best friends back in NY.
1995: I am a freshman at Sabino High School who is overweight, has bad hair (tried to dye it red...didn't really work), and braces. I take beginning drama where I meet Traci, who will turn out to be one of my best friends. I'm still very depressed and not happy about being in Tucson, so my parents make me go to counseling. They also decide that I should take horseback riding lessons again and join 4H. I go to one 4H meeting and I'm horrified by the cowboy hats and country music. I don't go back. I get thrown off a horse and hurt pretty badly, and I do not get back on a horse for a decade. I'm still acting with A.C.T. - I do "All The World's A Stage", "Gypsy", and "The Wizard of Oz." I meet Nadia at A.C.T., and she becomes my first girlfriend. My older brother moves from back east to live with us because, as it turns out, Jason is also gay and his born again Christian mother and step father simply can't handle it. Jason and I come out to one another at the same time in his Fiero as we drive to downtown Saturday night and "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Mom figures it out and shows up at my bedroom door one night with a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes - I don't come out to my mom, she basically just tells me I'm gay. Good thing I already knew. I wear freedom rings to school and word gets out. I get picked on a good amount, pushed around by guys, taunted by girls. There are no role models for me, no one for me to look to - this is before Ellen, Rosie, Will and Grace, The L Word - being gay is still hush hush. Even Melissa Etheridge isn't out yet. I dyke out big time, imitating the stereotype because I don't know what else to do and I think this is expected of me. It doesn't help ease the torment. That year I play Lucy in "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." Drama is a blessing. I learn I look bad in overalls.