(no subject)
Ugh! Where do I begin? I am about to vomit up a lot of stuff I've been holding inside.
For the past 6 and 1/2 months I've been in a relationship. Not only is this the longest relationship I've ever been in, but also the most serious. He's talked about what our kids would look like...this makes me want to run. I feel like I don't have my freedom anymore. I know this sounds selfish, but sometimes we need to be selfish. I mean, we are only on this planet for a limited amount of time, why not do what makes you happy, so long as it's not illegal...well so long as it's not severely illegal.
Anywho, Wyatt always makes me feel like I have to choose between him and my best friend. I find this very unfair, especially seeing as my best friend is also my roomate. But what does he really think I am going to do? Hang out with him - who I have several unresolved issues with - or hang out with my best friend who I love to pieces? I know me and my best friend are going to be friends for a loooong time, whereas he is just a guy. I am a firm believer that one should not ditch their friends to hang out with an insignificant other. They always flow into your life, and then flow out just as quickly...so why would I ditch my best friend who I know will always be there for me?
Recently, I innocently posted a bunch of pictures on my myspace account. One picture I posted was with my exboyfriend and great friend Sean. Somehow, I guess this is a crime. He thought he was being replaced by Sean. I mean, Sean could never replace him...Sean isn't a complete asshole... I got yelled at - which was pretty fucked up. I don't let people talk to me like I am less than human, so you better believe we haven't talked in a few days. And I don't even care. I don't miss him. Not at all. I actually feel less stressed. For the past 6 months I've been walking on egg shells. Somehow I always fuck up and he cries about it. How am I always in the wrong? A day or two go by and I don't call him because I'm busy with school/friends/my play/whatever, and he gets mad and whines about it. Who does that? We aren't in middle school anymore. I don't need to call and check up on my boyfriend. You're almost 21, I'm pretty sure you can fend for youself.
Then there's the CONSTANT and highly irritating jealousy. Apparently everything with a penis is a threat to him, and I am soooo sick of it! When I was working at Marble Slab this summer, he'd come in occassionally and if I was helping out a male customer - oh forget about it! "He was checking you out!" "He was flirting with you!" "When he left he turned around to give you one last look!" Ahhh! I want to pull my hair out! And now, I have this friend Mike in the theatre department and whenever he calls and I'm with Wyatt, he threatens to answer the phone and yell at him and on occassion has answered the phone to yell at him - are we 16 again?
When I confront him about everything, he pulls the asshole card. Yeah, you read right. He claims that because he is of male persuasion, he will have his moments when he acts like an asshole. Just because you are a man, and there are some major assholes in your gender, don't go excusing your actions on your gender. YOU control how you act and what you do. Wake up! We are not confused high school freshmen, we are adults. We can't excuse our actions. We behave in ways that are characteristic of our personalities. If you act like an asshole, you are one. Case closed.
I think I'm just not ready to really date anyone. I don't want to be in a relationship. I just want to hang out with my friends and have a good time. I don't want drama, I don't want sex, I don't want unnecessary fights, I don't want to feel bad about having a good time. I am a 20 year old girl. I don't want to be tied down. I feel like my life is just passing me by. I want to get out there and see the world, and I can't do that with someone nagging me. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm too immature for relationships, maybe I just don't get it. But a fun relationship to me should also be a healthy one. It's not healthy to depend on someone too much and rely on that person for your own personal happiness. I don't need to see someone/talk with someone multiple times a day to know I care for him. If you care for someone, you just know.
Ugh. I am so blah. I am going to go eat some ice cream.