where you're still in love with me
Dear sweet beautiful Atlas,
I'm sorry that last night wasn't wonderful for you. I don't think that I was a killjoy during the night but then I never really can analyse my actions with any sense of rationality. I just feel like you may be disappointed. You are different when drunk around your friends as opposed to being around mine. I'm sorry that I didn't let you act too handsy in the rsl. They kept sneaking and caressing areas of me that nobody else can touch and which are only touched usually sneakily or in private.
I love you.
You kept looking at me through cigarette smoke and saying i love you. So genuinely. So perfectly. I'm sorry if you felt rushed, when pulling up from work you see me hopping out of my car. I was SO happy to be able to fit into those jeans. You have no idea how good it makes me feel to know that I'm coming back into a natural and more beautiful size. It was interesting being at the table and hearing everyone list off their weight. You looked at me with surprise when I said I was 63. Do I look heavier? Do I feel lighter? I love that you can pick me up and carry me around. It's the best feeling to have you just hold me. You said last night that you don't hug me enough. But I don't think that us touching will ever be enough. I will always want to hold, kiss, hug, love and be with you, again and again. Last night after we got back to your house from the Broo-Ha-Ha, you lay down with me in your bed and I felt complete. I want to fall asleep with you every night. I want to be with you every night. I want to be able to see your face first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. And now I am getting soppy. But it's true. As you made love to me, drove me over and over again into ecstacy you told me how you felt, that you love me, that i'm important, that I mean something to you. And that's all I can ever want. It's far more than I deserve. I was glad that you weren't miffed about me wanting to go and sleep, that you wanted to go and sleep also. Or at least lay down with me. I was nice enough to Seal's girlfriend Charlie and her friend Shelly. I try not to be cold or snobbish. I don't want to be rude to other people. But their friend, the ex-con. Something didn't feel right about him. I have nothing against anyone who's been in jail. I can't judge them purely on the fact that they caught. But his mannerisms, there was something intrinsicly wrong. About him. I like how Duck gets pissy because his moods seem to meld with mine when we are out. About the time that he starts getting bored is when I do. I can't wait to pick you and your drunk mates up. I want to be someone that you can depend on when its the early hours of the morning and you need someone to just come and get you and tuck you into bed. Seeing you, Duck and Seal at the table talking about everything under the sun, made me grateful for boys nights because you get everything out to other men. I like that I can interact. That I'm not ignored.
There's something, I can't think of a better word than spiritual, about the way you touch me when you are inside of me. I connect with you so utterly, in this amazing place where I can't breathe except to say your name. You, everything that is you washes over me.
I looked at myself in the mirror last night and thought "you look pretty. Nick can't be ashamed of being seen with you." You've given me so much confidence about myself. I walk taller, i feel just happier. I am so happy. I can spend hours with you and feel like minutes have passed. I am going to get into contact with Conor and Zac. I'll get credit tomorrow and then call them. Find out what is happening.
I nearly fell asleep on the way home. I got back at 4:20 am and Jimmy came in with me. I woke up to have him and Chanel curled around my legs and torso. I went to bed thinking that we are okay. That I need to just relax.
I trusted you so utterly when I called you to literally come save me (when my car broke down in Kurri). And you didn't mind at all. You were there with bells on, smiling away at me and looking. And just being you. I don't deserve you. There's no way that I could ever deserve you. But we do look good together. THe way we dance is magic. The way we move together is utter poetry in motion. WIth some grinding added in. But I feel so just loved. I hope you feel loved. I'm thinking that I will surprise you with a picnic to end all other picnics some time this week. I'm going to call up about some jobs. I want to save up and we should get the pearls valued during the holidays. Or at least I should. Your idea is far better than throwing them into the ocean. I just wanted to be rid of them. I still want them gone. I don't want anything of him in me or of me. I just don't want it. I love you. I feel alive when around you.
I have something that's going to impress you though. When I went to sleep I didn't put on music. And I didn't need it.
SQUEE.
I know that you will be just as happy as I am.
Everything is starting to relax and be perfect in the way that there is no longer a shadow over my thoughts. I can be happy. I can be completely and utterly safe and secure. I don't have to worry anymore. It's okay that you forgot about the doctor's. It's just a girl thing and it's not important in that death defying way. it's just something that had to be done. I want you to come or at least see me after the gyno. I'm not comfortable with it. but it needs to be done. Rita wasn't invasive. A gyno will have to be.
YUCK
It was interesting to see one of the girls that your friends tried to set you up with. I'm glad that you chose me, that you want to be with me, that you liked me. I feel beautiful in front of you. There's no need to hide my body at all. I would try so hard before. I'd keep shirts or anything that didn't HAVE to come off, on. I just. I should've said no. I should've escaped it. It took too long in retrospect for me to end things.
I am so lucky to have you, to be allowed to love you openly, to just have you let me touch you.
I love you, hopefully everything is going splendidly at work.
love with everything in me,
Will
You are the love of my life.