(no subject)
I’m so awake and then I’m so tired. It’s 5am and I’ve maybe had a good three hours of sleep, but the truth is I don’t have my usual grogginess. My body usually aches from the cold, and getting one simple cup of water takes much effort, but right now I feel as if I could run a marathon. And though my body is in full zoom my mind and spirit is tired in itself. Though my appetite hasn’t ceased. Well, I guess for some it wouldn’t be as big of an appetite. The truth is since I eat so little so many times a day what I normal person would eat in a single serving I eat about a quarter of it. It’s a weird diet I know, but since I’m always on the go I never get a chance to just sit and eat a big meal. Though I do drink a lot of fluids. Hmm….then again why am I talking about what I eat?…I think I’ll get back to you on that.
Well, yesterday, or more so just a few hours ago, I was completely zonked. The whole day I couldn’t do anything correctly. I kept bumping into walls, pronouncing words incorrectly, using improper grammar (though that’s a usual for me), and no matter what my head was always cluttered. Though I have ADD I’ve gotten use to it and usually I can function without people even noticing I have it. Holly’s mother, Suzan, didn’t even know I had it till I told her a few days ago. And I’ve known her for three years now! So along with being off I felt lazy. Which annoyed me even more. So later on me and Holly and Bridget went to the pool and swam and exercised and such. Afterwards I was completely spacing out. I finally fell asleep after my mother given me a kick about modeling. She’s all “If you’re going to model this Saturday you need rest! We don’t want you being worse than those other models.” I was all “Ok, what ever.” Then I walked in my room and fell right asleep.
I slept really hard for about three hours. Surprisingly I didn’t have any dreams. Usually I do have dreams and I usually remember them. It’s strange a dream. Most people can’t remember their dreams. There’s something about waking up and feeling that outside grogginess that makes you forget everything. What’s even stranger is that I can remember my dreams down to the last detail. I can’t even remember what I ate for breakfast and yet I can remember my dreams! Oh well, I guess that’s how it is. I’m lucky to even remember my inner subconscious’ wishes and hopes. Maybe it’s that I’m so in tune with myself I can do that. Or maybe its that I’m so out of tune they everything’s switched around. Better yet maybe I’m just crazy. Either way it all works out.
It’s almost 6am now and I’ve written less than I usually do. Usually at this time of morning I’m reading the latest poetry, sleeping, or writing some long or short story. And usually in an hour I’d have 30pages down. But I haven’t been able to. I’ve been busy among other things. Along with having the latest conversation on JI Jane with Andrew I’m trying to decide what to do. I’m trying to decide how I feel. This whole moving thing has got my feelings twisted up in a not. I know it may be the right thing and better thing to do but I’m really going to miss this place. I grew up here! My families and friends are here. All my old hangouts, my enemies, my frienemies, my horrible memories, my wonderful memories, all are here. I’m going to miss it all. I’ll probably cry when I get up there. That’ll be horrible. That melting fatigue, remembering everything, missing everything, sitting on the cold hard floor and writing endless oaths to my friends.
And though it might be horrible it’s still the best thing for me. I really need to leave this place. It’s hindering my creative ability. It’s…It’s dementing my already demented mind! Excuse the Hawk Eye reference, for those of you who have seen M*A*S*H*. I’m a huge fan. Anyways, my mind has gone blank. I’m done ranting.
Well, yesterday, or more so just a few hours ago, I was completely zonked. The whole day I couldn’t do anything correctly. I kept bumping into walls, pronouncing words incorrectly, using improper grammar (though that’s a usual for me), and no matter what my head was always cluttered. Though I have ADD I’ve gotten use to it and usually I can function without people even noticing I have it. Holly’s mother, Suzan, didn’t even know I had it till I told her a few days ago. And I’ve known her for three years now! So along with being off I felt lazy. Which annoyed me even more. So later on me and Holly and Bridget went to the pool and swam and exercised and such. Afterwards I was completely spacing out. I finally fell asleep after my mother given me a kick about modeling. She’s all “If you’re going to model this Saturday you need rest! We don’t want you being worse than those other models.” I was all “Ok, what ever.” Then I walked in my room and fell right asleep.
I slept really hard for about three hours. Surprisingly I didn’t have any dreams. Usually I do have dreams and I usually remember them. It’s strange a dream. Most people can’t remember their dreams. There’s something about waking up and feeling that outside grogginess that makes you forget everything. What’s even stranger is that I can remember my dreams down to the last detail. I can’t even remember what I ate for breakfast and yet I can remember my dreams! Oh well, I guess that’s how it is. I’m lucky to even remember my inner subconscious’ wishes and hopes. Maybe it’s that I’m so in tune with myself I can do that. Or maybe its that I’m so out of tune they everything’s switched around. Better yet maybe I’m just crazy. Either way it all works out.
It’s almost 6am now and I’ve written less than I usually do. Usually at this time of morning I’m reading the latest poetry, sleeping, or writing some long or short story. And usually in an hour I’d have 30pages down. But I haven’t been able to. I’ve been busy among other things. Along with having the latest conversation on JI Jane with Andrew I’m trying to decide what to do. I’m trying to decide how I feel. This whole moving thing has got my feelings twisted up in a not. I know it may be the right thing and better thing to do but I’m really going to miss this place. I grew up here! My families and friends are here. All my old hangouts, my enemies, my frienemies, my horrible memories, my wonderful memories, all are here. I’m going to miss it all. I’ll probably cry when I get up there. That’ll be horrible. That melting fatigue, remembering everything, missing everything, sitting on the cold hard floor and writing endless oaths to my friends.
And though it might be horrible it’s still the best thing for me. I really need to leave this place. It’s hindering my creative ability. It’s…It’s dementing my already demented mind! Excuse the Hawk Eye reference, for those of you who have seen M*A*S*H*. I’m a huge fan. Anyways, my mind has gone blank. I’m done ranting.