It makes me work a little bit harder, makes my skin a little thinker, 'cause i'm a fighter
For the past couple days everything has been but a dream. Not a dream...more like a movie. A drama film staring me as the wannabe actress, my mom as the villian(intended to bring me down), Holly as the supporting best friend(Till the end), and everyone else as just more lead characters. It was rather funny if you think about it. Even the climantic ending had it's funny little pun. Though the ending is just a new beginning for me, and more trouble. It started off a few days ago. Holly was going to do an audition for John Robert Powers, one of the most prestigious modeling agencies in the entire world and one of the most well known. She suggested I try out, just for fun.
I love acting, dancing, singing, modeling, everything! Just for the fun of it all. I love the craft of it. I love dancing because when i'm dancing it feels like i'm floating on air. Acting is another thing. I love getting into certain characters and just boasting out! I love just getting all those emotions out and really becoming the character. I may seem very outgoing and loud and hyper but i'm really not. Even Holly knows. When I show my true self i'm more calm, quiet, shy, baby ish you could say. And when I act it's like I can show off and get all those emotions out! Singing! Jebus! I love singing. It's like for one moment i'm free. For one moment everything in the world disappears and melts into this beautiful song I get to conduct and sing myself. While, modeling, is just a fun hobbie. I love it because i've been doing it since I was little. It's like, there are so many ways to distribute a certain image or look. To put out there a different style. And fashion, along with modeling, is one of my favorite passions. So you see? I truely love it for what it is.
Now, when I heard of the John Robert Powers audition I didn't think much of it. At first I was like "Ok, cool, an audition. Might be fun.". I thought of it more as play time. So I asked my mom and she said ok. It took me awhile to pry her to actually call them and make an appointment. Well, she did and I got an audition with them out of about a hundred others, which was great! So, for the next few days I thought of it seriously, yet not so seriously. Like, I excersized a little more, drank more water, etc. And the more I got closer to the date of the audition the more my mother protested and continued to bring me down.
Growing up I had to deal with alot of critizism from my mother. It was just a usual thing. I dont know why she did it. I would like to believe that she said all those things to make me stronger some how. But there is another part of me that just reconises her won cynical sickness. Like one time! I got awarded for a few poems a wrote. I was going to even get them in a book! I was so excited and happy I felt as if my heart had been lifted by some holey force. For that moment I was truely proud of myself. And right then my mom brought me down. She said my poem wasn't good enough, they where scamming me, all they wanted was my money, etc. She made me feel like I had no talent, that I was nobody and should be treated that way. After I met Holly that all disipated. She gave me a bit more confidence somehow. She was already a pre-madona herself and I love that about her. She taught me how to not take shit from anyone! How to be myself! And i'm so greatful to have a friend like her. Anyways, back to the story...
Anyways, we get there from a long ride there. The morning of the audition my mother wakes me up at 6am to clean and then we had to take Jodie to work. Surprisingly I didn't care how much she got mad or annoyed or that she had to wake me up so early. I was just calm, not tired, well rested and calm. My big sister Jessica went on a bitch craze though. It was actually quite funny. She did everything to make my mom miserable, and all my mom said was "I'm doing this for you." She looked me straight in the eye, and said it. "I'm doing this for you."...I've never actually heard that said so painfully and bluntly before. I didn't know what to think of it. The rest of the ride to take Jodie to work and back flipped by rather quickly.
We got coffee and listened to music in the car and such. Despite the fact I get car sick occassionally, I love road trips! I love riding in the car period. The sound of music. The wind blowing in my hair and face. The feeling of gliding so close to the road. I love it. The car ride was even faster than I thought it would be. I dont know...maybe it was just that I was having so much fun the time passed by quickly. Anyways, the rest of the day I went through the motions I get when i'm nervous. There's certain stages:
1. There's the "I dont care stage"- Where I start to think of everything as play time.
2. There's the "Determined" stage- Where i'm very determined and ready to work hard to get this.
3. There's the hyper stage- Where I get very hyper and happy and cant stop talking.
4. There's the calm stage- Where I stop talking all together.
And 5. There's the shaking stage- Where my whole body starts to get jittery, and I start shaking and such.
I went through all the motions, etc. It all happened as plan. We left and finally got there. When we got there my mom went on and on about this business and how bad it is for me and i'm doing the wrong thing.
While the lady came out I was still practicing for the acting season of it. They gave you a sheet of paper advertising certain things and you got to chose what you wanted to advertise. Well, I chose Pepsi. I can still remember it.
"What makes you look cool is your attitude, the inner you. It's not the way you get your hair cut, it's not the cloths you wear, it's not what you drink...or is it? Pepsi, the Choice of a new generation."
I found it the easiest to do. So, I practiced and practiced. The director of it all came out and talked. While I was trying to listen my mom leaned over again and again making jokes about the business and her and bassicly trying to bring it all down. Like she thinks she's better than them because she isn't trying to make it in that world. By making fun of them she just made it more clear she's just as horrible as they are. It really sadened me she did that. Anyways, after the lady left my mother leaned over to me and bassicly told me that lady has a sad life, and all models are doomed to hell or something rather. Then I go do the comercial, when I come out Holly and Bridget are there. I was so happy Holly was there, she calmed me down a bit. And got me more focused.
Well, after I got my headshots done and such I sat down by my mom. Then, my mother leans over to me, looks me directly in the eye and says "Why would you want to get into this business? You're only going to waste my time." That hurt me alot....then she said "I have never been more disappointed in you in my whole entire life." That was about it. She had finished telling me I couldnt go after my dream because it'll waste her time and she doesn't care, and that she has never been more disappointed in me for going after what i've inspired to do my whole life! I ran out crying.
I just couldn't help it. I ran outside, sat in the front, put my knees to my chest, burried my face so no one could see, and cried. I haven't cried like that since I was very small. I havent cried like that since I was little....since what happened with my mom and my sister...The truth is she was never there as a true mother figure the beginning of my life. She was always off in some mental institution and I lived with my grandmother. I've blocked most of the memories out. In fact I cant even remember half of my childhood. Anyways, Holly came out running after me. She picked me up, stood me in front of her hugged me. She just hugged me and said "It's going to be ok." Then she looked me straight in the eyes and said
"Dont let her get to you. You know what? You love acting, and dancing, and directing and you're good at it! Dont let one stupid bitch get to you! Megean, you where born to do this so dont let anyone else get you down!"
The rest was a blurr. After that I jumped up from the start and got very determined. Thats why I love Holly. She's the only one thats ever there for me and i'm so greatful for every day. Anyways, I nodded, whipped the tears from my cheeks, and walked inside to face my mother. We sat down after a few minutes of me calming down and she gave me another long lecture. I didn't break though. I sat there and took it all. We then went into the interview. The director of it all, a short skinny tan woman, liked me apparently. I gave her my best and I told her the exact truth. I am willing to work for this. If it takes all day and all night I will do it and I am determined. This is my dream and i've been doing this since I was very little. One thing that screwed it up....My mother...
She just couldn't take it. She probably ruined it all for me with what she said and the way she acted. I hated her guts for it. We walked out and sat in the car. In the car I leaned on Holly and we talked for a few, just trying to calm down and such. It was so calming after. I'm still resentful towards my mother. It wont change a thing. All her love can't change the way she feels and the way she acts. I dont care what she says about me. I am going to do this and work hard for it! Even if I have to do it all myself. I love doing this, it's my passion, my ambition. And if not for the love of it, to prove her wrong. So you know what? The ending of the story and the moral of it is to love and believe in yourself. No one else to make you do anything and no one else can push you down. You only lose when you stay down. Be yourself.