Harumph
My big question for the night: How do you know if someone truly loves you?
You would think it would be easy to distinguish between the people who genuinely care for you and the people who just use you as a crutch. My sister for instance...she has always been handed what she wants so she has become a spoiled princess. Of course, god forbid you ever actually tell her that. She'd fly off the handle. Trust me, I would know. I did it and suffered her wrath. lol But on a more serious note...I am truly having difficulty deciding if she really loves me or if she just loves what I can provide for her. She claims that I am selfish and materialistic (mostly because I would like to keep the things I worked so hard for nice) but takes for granted everything I do for her. Granted I do less now than I used to, but I still do too much. It's become obvious to the people around me that she has settled into a roll of my daughter and me into the roll of her mother. There is a significant gap in age, five and a half years, but no so much that it should have gotten this far. I admit for awhile, I accepted the roll as mother. Probably because I had just left an emotionally abusive relationship and needed someone to need me. I just never thought she would get as bad as my ex. Now I'm left wondering if I made my ex into the "baby" he is. He depended on me for everything and it got to be too much. I had to leave. The situation with my sister is now beyond the point when I left my ex, but I still haven't asked her to leave because she is family and I am so desperately afraid of angering her. I don't think anyone really knows how scared I get when people get mad at me. I have had too many things happen in my life to not be afraid, but when will it end? How can I escape the fear and do what I need to do to save myself? I am drowning and rather than trying to swim, I'm letting myself sink because to swim would create waves that would rock someone else's boat. My health is suffering because not only do I hold in ALL my feelings but I am constantly stressed out and I think I have even become paranoid that somehow it will slip that I'm on the verge of breaking and it is because of what I've allowed her to do to me. I worry more that it would destroy her to know how I feel than I do for myself. The problem is...I can feel myself giving up again. Most of the time, I would rather "slip away" than cause someone else pain. I promised myself that I wouldn't ever become suicidal again, but I can honestly say everyday is a hurdle. What kind of life is that? I know I need mental help, but the people who would help me want me to change and hurt other people. I just don't think I can do it. I wonder if my sister will ever understand that the toxic relationship we have is killing me? Most days I pray for death to not have to deal with it anymore. When it was my ex, I prayed for his death, but because I love my sister more than myself, I've turned the anger inward. I cry all the time because I now truly understand the despair my grandmother must have felt. I want help, but I am not sure there is help if I don't change and take charge.
The rest of my life is suffering too. It's created paranoia and distrust in my current relationship. I am starting to question if he loves me or if he is just using me too. It started with me paying for things to try to be fair and then he started to expect it. I started to resent that, but couldn't say anything because I was afraid. Then it progressed to him blatantly asking for things. That stung a bit. I had hoped that things would finally be different with someone, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I am destined to give too much of myself. It seems like people can sense that I have no backbone and take advantage of it. And now, I was told today that he can't pay his portion of rent because it's too much. I don't ask for very much, so it hurts that he wouldn't try harder to help me. Plus, I am starting to feel claustrophobic in my relationship. Maybe we moved too fast. I feel trapped! And it looks like there is no way out! I am freaking out. I have no idea what to do. I go through ups and downs and feel crazy for thinking so many conflicting things. I do love him and he does treat me well otherwise. I just wish he would step up and be the man, the provider, I need him to be. I'm not sure what to do. I do know that even if I wanted to ask my sister to move out, I can't now because if he can't pull his weight, I can't make it without her contributions, little as they may be. Oh well!
You would think it would be easy to distinguish between the people who genuinely care for you and the people who just use you as a crutch. My sister for instance...she has always been handed what she wants so she has become a spoiled princess. Of course, god forbid you ever actually tell her that. She'd fly off the handle. Trust me, I would know. I did it and suffered her wrath. lol But on a more serious note...I am truly having difficulty deciding if she really loves me or if she just loves what I can provide for her. She claims that I am selfish and materialistic (mostly because I would like to keep the things I worked so hard for nice) but takes for granted everything I do for her. Granted I do less now than I used to, but I still do too much. It's become obvious to the people around me that she has settled into a roll of my daughter and me into the roll of her mother. There is a significant gap in age, five and a half years, but no so much that it should have gotten this far. I admit for awhile, I accepted the roll as mother. Probably because I had just left an emotionally abusive relationship and needed someone to need me. I just never thought she would get as bad as my ex. Now I'm left wondering if I made my ex into the "baby" he is. He depended on me for everything and it got to be too much. I had to leave. The situation with my sister is now beyond the point when I left my ex, but I still haven't asked her to leave because she is family and I am so desperately afraid of angering her. I don't think anyone really knows how scared I get when people get mad at me. I have had too many things happen in my life to not be afraid, but when will it end? How can I escape the fear and do what I need to do to save myself? I am drowning and rather than trying to swim, I'm letting myself sink because to swim would create waves that would rock someone else's boat. My health is suffering because not only do I hold in ALL my feelings but I am constantly stressed out and I think I have even become paranoid that somehow it will slip that I'm on the verge of breaking and it is because of what I've allowed her to do to me. I worry more that it would destroy her to know how I feel than I do for myself. The problem is...I can feel myself giving up again. Most of the time, I would rather "slip away" than cause someone else pain. I promised myself that I wouldn't ever become suicidal again, but I can honestly say everyday is a hurdle. What kind of life is that? I know I need mental help, but the people who would help me want me to change and hurt other people. I just don't think I can do it. I wonder if my sister will ever understand that the toxic relationship we have is killing me? Most days I pray for death to not have to deal with it anymore. When it was my ex, I prayed for his death, but because I love my sister more than myself, I've turned the anger inward. I cry all the time because I now truly understand the despair my grandmother must have felt. I want help, but I am not sure there is help if I don't change and take charge.
The rest of my life is suffering too. It's created paranoia and distrust in my current relationship. I am starting to question if he loves me or if he is just using me too. It started with me paying for things to try to be fair and then he started to expect it. I started to resent that, but couldn't say anything because I was afraid. Then it progressed to him blatantly asking for things. That stung a bit. I had hoped that things would finally be different with someone, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I am destined to give too much of myself. It seems like people can sense that I have no backbone and take advantage of it. And now, I was told today that he can't pay his portion of rent because it's too much. I don't ask for very much, so it hurts that he wouldn't try harder to help me. Plus, I am starting to feel claustrophobic in my relationship. Maybe we moved too fast. I feel trapped! And it looks like there is no way out! I am freaking out. I have no idea what to do. I go through ups and downs and feel crazy for thinking so many conflicting things. I do love him and he does treat me well otherwise. I just wish he would step up and be the man, the provider, I need him to be. I'm not sure what to do. I do know that even if I wanted to ask my sister to move out, I can't now because if he can't pull his weight, I can't make it without her contributions, little as they may be. Oh well!