Feng Shui Your Cat
For whatever reason, I receieved a set of three books on feng shui for Christmas. My room is neither feng nor shui. I guess there's room for improvement? Some comedy gems include:
on a glass dish of marbles:
"The metal base and the playful colors of marbles make this fountain a great placement in a Creative Offspring sector."
Here that? Studies have shown creative children are caused by early exposure to colorful marbles. Recent archaeological findings suggest the parents of the caveman who discovered fire had a pot of marbles in their Creative Offspring cave, or as they called it, Ogg.
"A bowl of pears in the kitchen or dining room can represent your pairing with your partner without anyone being the wiser."
My love of fruit expresses my lusty feelings for my spouse. Rawr, pears. Rawr.
"Invite your ancestors to be a part of your life by displaying their possessions."
While generally having a detrimental effect on the value of your house, hauntings bring in excellent chi!
"Displaying possessions from older family members keeps their presence with you when they are gone."
Grandma buys you that same ugly sweater every goddamn year, so it's great revenge-uh, chi- to remind that bitch she's not getting any younger! Take that grandma-I mean, evil spirits!
"Placing plants and upward items in the corner behind the sink will slow down chi leaving through the window."
That chi is a real bitch.
"Consider changing the color of your front door at least once a year and make certain that it is sending the correct message to the world. Last year's color might not work to fulfill this year's dreams."
"Simply saying a prayer or a mantra over a bowl of water has been proven to change the molecular structure of the water. Yelling or saying angry words over the same bowl of water will make it lose its crystalline structure."
Yes, I think this year's resolutions should include being known as the crazy lady who yells at her water.
"Because knives are sharp, they need to be treated with respect and kept away from other knives. Too much sharpness together can create injury and weaken the body."
If your kitchen is in need of more Metal to balance the Water element, avoid actually sticking knives into your body. It could obstruct the flow of chi.
In other news, I got stuff!
- a plaid blanket! I'm putting him on the bed in here, chi be damned.
- clothing! the sweater jacket with fluff I'm wearing now, Chesh's green corduroy blazer, a big fluffy retro white thing, Soft Pants, and a purple suede coat.
- books! the aforementioned feng shui ones, two on hauntings, a science fiction short story collection, one of pictures at stonehenge, one about Weird Shit, and one on knitted bags throughout the world.
- gameboy! I need to do something that isn't zelda. or not.
- Prince of Persia: Warrior Within. the one with the Boob Lady!
- knitting calendar! 365 days of sitting on my ass should produce something!
- bath crap! three different body creams :o
- pacman belt! the cutest thing this side of scotland.
- baby roboraptor! he walks around and disturbs the cat :D
- sumorobots! they're adorable.
- knitting kit with a bunch of yarn in greens and golds!
- bathpuff shaped and colored like a big peppermint! kitten likes to drag it around
- scented body shimmer in a little round container with a little puff.
- a necklace with little orange shells that jingle!
- some things that I forgot but really liked, probably!
Merry Christmas! I'll get everyone's presents out someday.
on a glass dish of marbles:
"The metal base and the playful colors of marbles make this fountain a great placement in a Creative Offspring sector."
Here that? Studies have shown creative children are caused by early exposure to colorful marbles. Recent archaeological findings suggest the parents of the caveman who discovered fire had a pot of marbles in their Creative Offspring cave, or as they called it, Ogg.
"A bowl of pears in the kitchen or dining room can represent your pairing with your partner without anyone being the wiser."
My love of fruit expresses my lusty feelings for my spouse. Rawr, pears. Rawr.
"Invite your ancestors to be a part of your life by displaying their possessions."
While generally having a detrimental effect on the value of your house, hauntings bring in excellent chi!
"Displaying possessions from older family members keeps their presence with you when they are gone."
Grandma buys you that same ugly sweater every goddamn year, so it's great revenge-uh, chi- to remind that bitch she's not getting any younger! Take that grandma-I mean, evil spirits!
"Placing plants and upward items in the corner behind the sink will slow down chi leaving through the window."
That chi is a real bitch.
"Consider changing the color of your front door at least once a year and make certain that it is sending the correct message to the world. Last year's color might not work to fulfill this year's dreams."
"Simply saying a prayer or a mantra over a bowl of water has been proven to change the molecular structure of the water. Yelling or saying angry words over the same bowl of water will make it lose its crystalline structure."
Yes, I think this year's resolutions should include being known as the crazy lady who yells at her water.
"Because knives are sharp, they need to be treated with respect and kept away from other knives. Too much sharpness together can create injury and weaken the body."
If your kitchen is in need of more Metal to balance the Water element, avoid actually sticking knives into your body. It could obstruct the flow of chi.
In other news, I got stuff!
- a plaid blanket! I'm putting him on the bed in here, chi be damned.
- clothing! the sweater jacket with fluff I'm wearing now, Chesh's green corduroy blazer, a big fluffy retro white thing, Soft Pants, and a purple suede coat.
- books! the aforementioned feng shui ones, two on hauntings, a science fiction short story collection, one of pictures at stonehenge, one about Weird Shit, and one on knitted bags throughout the world.
- gameboy! I need to do something that isn't zelda. or not.
- Prince of Persia: Warrior Within. the one with the Boob Lady!
- knitting calendar! 365 days of sitting on my ass should produce something!
- bath crap! three different body creams :o
- pacman belt! the cutest thing this side of scotland.
- baby roboraptor! he walks around and disturbs the cat :D
- sumorobots! they're adorable.
- knitting kit with a bunch of yarn in greens and golds!
- bathpuff shaped and colored like a big peppermint! kitten likes to drag it around
- scented body shimmer in a little round container with a little puff.
- a necklace with little orange shells that jingle!
- some things that I forgot but really liked, probably!
Merry Christmas! I'll get everyone's presents out someday.