Raise your hand if you hope for things that can never be.
I've never been a big fan of Halloween, but it's here. Again. Last week, there was a carnival at a gradeschool off of McKee road. Lots of people were there with their kids, laughing, and running, and generally enjoying themselves. Down the road, not a quarter mile, a tragic car accident occured, and while the carnival continued merrily, a hospital's emergency helicopter landed in the parking lot of the church across the street from the school spewing out various EMTs in blue jump suits rushing to the aide of the car crash victim. And I was there, sitting in traffic, watching it all unfold, and I wondered to myself, how can it be that someone's life is so abruptly changed, while the rest of the world is oblivious. It was the perfect paralel of life and death. Children running, playing, laughing, full of hope and promise and an obliviously boxed view, while down the road someone slams into a tree and smashes their future on the steering wheel. it felt more poignant when this all was actually happening.
Lately, I've felt like a complete contradiction of myself. At every turn I want something and hate it at the same time. My entire life has become an impass of indecision and longing. And I'm weary. Weary of life being the way that it is. I'm lonley, and I feel like I'm lost in some sort of despair. And I feel bad for airing such feelings in this forum, and I feel bad in general. I'm looking for an easier way, but only one option comes to mind. It's like driving in a car, and your destination is perpetually around the bend. You can feel it, your journeys almost through, you're tired from the road, worn from your travels, and you just want to get to the city, and sleep in a bed, and eat a meal. But you can never get there, no matter how fast you drive. The road just keeps curving, away, away, away.
I watched The Motorcycle Diarys, which is a foriegn movie about the early life of Ernesto 'Che' Guevara who when he was 23 embarked on a 12,000 kilometer (I don't know how to convert that into miles, failed that part of math) motorcycle trip with his friend. And it was amazing. I was so captivated. But one scene in particular arrested my attention. Che and his friend (who are both doctors) are working at this leper colony, and it's divided into two parts by a river with one side of the river housing the leper patients in their sort of colony, and the other side housing nurses, doctors, and a sect of nuns. to make a long description short, its Ernesto's birthday, and he suddenly wants to go celebrate with the lepers, but he can't find the boat so he decides to swim. It was like a need for him, he needed to be on the other side of the river. Now here's what is important; as he swims, the doctors and nurses gather on their side of the river yelling to him, you can't make it, you fool, come back, you can't do it. the lepers hear the commotion on their side, and they see what is happening and they start shouting, you can do it, keep coming, you're going to make it. As far as anyone knew, no one had swam across that river, and it was a big fucking river, but it was the infirm, those that did not have their full capabilities, those that were slowly dying as their own flesh betrayed them, they were the ones with the most faith. Those that were not sick, had no faith. Why is that? That people must suffer, or lose something in order for them to realize the truth in life and be able to appreciate the world better? Those that suffer see life through diamond eyes that no one else can understand. That scene broke my heart, and I thought about it a few days later, and it still made me cry. Enough. Love to all.
--Toby
Lately, I've felt like a complete contradiction of myself. At every turn I want something and hate it at the same time. My entire life has become an impass of indecision and longing. And I'm weary. Weary of life being the way that it is. I'm lonley, and I feel like I'm lost in some sort of despair. And I feel bad for airing such feelings in this forum, and I feel bad in general. I'm looking for an easier way, but only one option comes to mind. It's like driving in a car, and your destination is perpetually around the bend. You can feel it, your journeys almost through, you're tired from the road, worn from your travels, and you just want to get to the city, and sleep in a bed, and eat a meal. But you can never get there, no matter how fast you drive. The road just keeps curving, away, away, away.
I watched The Motorcycle Diarys, which is a foriegn movie about the early life of Ernesto 'Che' Guevara who when he was 23 embarked on a 12,000 kilometer (I don't know how to convert that into miles, failed that part of math) motorcycle trip with his friend. And it was amazing. I was so captivated. But one scene in particular arrested my attention. Che and his friend (who are both doctors) are working at this leper colony, and it's divided into two parts by a river with one side of the river housing the leper patients in their sort of colony, and the other side housing nurses, doctors, and a sect of nuns. to make a long description short, its Ernesto's birthday, and he suddenly wants to go celebrate with the lepers, but he can't find the boat so he decides to swim. It was like a need for him, he needed to be on the other side of the river. Now here's what is important; as he swims, the doctors and nurses gather on their side of the river yelling to him, you can't make it, you fool, come back, you can't do it. the lepers hear the commotion on their side, and they see what is happening and they start shouting, you can do it, keep coming, you're going to make it. As far as anyone knew, no one had swam across that river, and it was a big fucking river, but it was the infirm, those that did not have their full capabilities, those that were slowly dying as their own flesh betrayed them, they were the ones with the most faith. Those that were not sick, had no faith. Why is that? That people must suffer, or lose something in order for them to realize the truth in life and be able to appreciate the world better? Those that suffer see life through diamond eyes that no one else can understand. That scene broke my heart, and I thought about it a few days later, and it still made me cry. Enough. Love to all.
--Toby