The pikachu theorem [3/3]
but i dont know would that make you come back?'>
Jongdae sends a lot of sad Japanese emoticons, takes screenshots of their Line chat room with big red arrows pointing at the little reads next to his texts and even bigger question marks filling the rest of the picture. Kyungsoo was right, avoiding Jongdae is hard, but not only because he lives next door. Sehun misses the texting, he misses the feeling of ecstasy at the sight of the tiny green light, and he misses playing the voices in his head, and wondering about Jongdae. Since the incident, Sehun saw his neighbor only once, and it was even shorter than the first time, because as soon as Sehun realized the guy standing in front of his door was Jongdae, he quickly turned on his heels and decided to spend the night at Jinri's.
The worst is that running away from Jongdae doesn't come from a strong thought or a quick analysis of what could happen, it's a reflex that takes over Sehun's legs before his own mind can come up with a reason to stay. He spends hours looking at his phone and debating with himself whether or not he should answer, say something, anything. The first day, Jongin tells him he could. The second day, he tells him he should. And on the sixth day, Sehun concludes that it's too late now, and that it would just be even weirder. Jongin sighs through the webcam, exhaustion wearing him down, and Sehun feels bad for all the worry he can read on his best friend's face. He feels even worse for cutting short several skype sessions with lame excuses such as 'oh I heard Zitao I need to pretend I'm sleeping bye Jongin!', just because Jongin had that look on his face that was foreshadowing a serious talk Sehun isn't ready to face.
It's a heavy sensation, not in the heart but in the mind, because it's where the battle happens. Sehun finds himself ripped in two and fighting with both sides, his own thoughts now turned into a warzone. He doesn't win, but doesn't lose either, and he keeps fighting again and again and again until he doesn't even know what he's thinking anymore. Jongdae turns out to be even harder to avoid when he's all Sehun can think about.
(He tries to talk to Kyungsoo, tries to find the words, explain him that Sehun wishes it could be different this time, but Kyungsoo glares at him and hits him on the back of his head.)
i don't know what to do anymoooooooore sehunniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie
you're lucky i like you because you're being kind of a douche right now
also baekhyun said it's because you found me mesmerizing
thank you sehun i know i'm hot
UGH YOU'RE SO FRUSTRATING WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT
i was wearing a pikachu shirt for god's sake
you know my history with pikachu
(also i'm not offering you a blowjob right now if that's what you're thinking)
but i dont know would that make you come back?
Sehun chuckles before he remembers he shouldn't, and Zitao glances at him from his bed. Sehun has been avoiding him as well, but living with the Chinese male made it quite hard, so he eventually decided that ignoring Zitao would be enough. Zitao didn't insist, being the total sweetheart he is, but from time to time, Sehun sees him breathing in and opening his mouth, ready to talk before deflating and turning his back on Sehun.
This time, he doesn't.
“Jongdae hyung really wants to talk to you, you know.”
Taken by surprise, Sehun can only blink at Zitao, and the latter blushes.
“I was crying the first time I met him,” Zitao continues. “I'm like.... really ugly when I cry, you know. Like--” He twitches his face and flashes several scrunched up faces at Sehun.
“Oh god, what are you-- Please stop.”
Zitao cracks an eye open and shrugs, embarrassed.
“I'm just trying to say that I understand. I couldn't meet Jongdae's eyes for like two weeks after that.” Zitao gives him a little smile. “But he had no trouble looking me in the eyes.”
Zitao rummages through his bag and pulls out a bag of sweets. He throws it at Sehun who catches it in mid-air, dumbfounded.
“I bought you chocolate,” Zitao says, almost absently as he gets back to his homework.
Sehun stares at the bag in his hand for close to one hour, thinking that it's not fair. Zitao struggles everyday with a language which is not his own, but he stumbles around two sentences, and he has it all figured out. Sehun would like to tell him it's more complicated than that, that he's not avoiding Jongdae simply because he's embarrassed, but it's really not. He doesn't want to face Jongdae and realises the latter sees him as dumb first year, because he's so much more than his awkwardness and uneasiness, but it's not like he's trying to prove it wrong either.
Sehun sighs, feeling the start of a headache swelling his brain, and puts the snacks on his nightstand. He'll think about that tomorrow, and probably in his dreams before, because thinking too much is kind of his specialty, especially when it only requires him to just do something.
He sends one last text to Jongin, and closes his eyes. Jongdae is all over his eyelids, but he can't really say he's surprised. (It's been quite some time already.)
hey jongin i'll tell you what: china's pretty lucky to have zitao as a princess
Something is wrong. It's not a well-defined feeling but it's still there, lurking under the water and creeping through the heavy mist currently erasing the limits of Sehun's mind. It's Sunday morning, and he's sleeping, or at least he should be, but it's like something is coming to get him, digging through thick layers of too few hours of sleep, and Sehun can already feel consciousness starting to clean the mess in his mind. He tries to fight it off, because it's warm and safe where he is, he can't feel how sore his body is after hours of practice and pitched black is simpler, easier. He just wants to sleep, for God's sake.
“Oh come on, don't make me jump on you, Oh Sehun.”
Sehun cracks an eye open, alarmed by the unknown voice. It's light and cheerful, and kind of strained on the edges, as if the guy it belongs to was trying not to laugh, and it washes over Sehun's mind with shades of bright red.
He wakes up with a start, opening his eyes wide only to find someone hovering over him, and it's definitely not Zitao. Sehun was lost in lethargy and slowness just a second before, but it all catches up at once, the light, the muscular ache and the face staring at him. Taken by surprise and half of his brain still enjoying Dreamland, Sehun has no control over the squeal that goes past his lips. His voice breaks around the sound and it ends in a weak whimper that he miserably tries to muffle by pulling his blanket up to his chin.
“Oh god!! I wanted to scowl you for being an ass but you just made a kicked puppy noise and now I just feel really bad! Are you okay?!”
Jongdae. Jongdae is looking at him with wide eyes, bend down over Sehun's bed and hands pressed flat against the mattress. Jongdae is in his room, looking at him straight in the eyes, pouty lips and eyebrows knitted together, and he's so close that Sehun can see lashes kissing high cheekbones when Jongdae blinks.
“What are you doing here?” Sehun manages to croak, horrified.
Jongdae smiles, flashing sharp canines as his eyes momentarily turn into slits, and Sehun mentally screeches.
“Like I said. You were being an ass to me, so I decided to be an ass to you and wake you up at eight on a Sunday morning.” Jongdae straightens and opens his arms. “Surprise!”
In all honesty, Sehun does think about jumping out of his bed and running away, but then half of his body is still sleeping and he'll probably faceplant in the most embarrassing way. Jongdae watches him in silence, and Sehun counts the seconds, his blanket still pressed against his lips. If they were texting right now, Jongdae would send him a cute Japanese emoticon before switching topics with so much easiness that it would rub off on Sehun. Only they're not, Sehun isn't looking at Jongdae's name on his phone, he's looking at his face, all smooth skin and sharp features, and he feels way too embarrassed for a single Japanese emoticon to make it all go away.
He breathes in and wets his lips in a nervous tic. Jongdae's smile only gets wider.
“How did you--” Sehun stops as Jongdae steps on the right with a head gesture towards Zitao's bed. It's empty. Of course.
“Taozi let me in.”
“Traitor,” Sehun mumbles in his blanket.
Jongdae doesn't answer, and Sehun decides that staring down at his blanket is the only thing he can do. The atmosphere stiffens around him and he feels like he's breathing in dust and rocks. Thoughts of Jongin come unannounced, and Sehun doesn't recognize the mocking voice in his head, but he hears the words and he agrees to the mockery. Jongin would never have reacted like that, he would have been all over Jongdae, excited and pleased, and the ice would have been broken in the blink of an eye. Sehun isn't like that, has never been, but he feels like it's the first time he wishes he could be this hard. Jongdae is so close, and Sehun feels like he's drowning in need and want for him to stay, but drowning means he's falling deeper and deeper,with lips sealed by the pressure.
It feels like an hour later when Jongdae stretches up with a yawn, but Sehun still doesn't look up. He catches faint movements from the edge of his vision and before he can get himself ready, Jongdae sits down on his bed. It creaks under his weight and Sehun feels like his whole body is now sliding down towards Jongdae's. He keeps staring at his blanket, all the white starting to numb his eyes. Words rush in his throat, but they never go past his lips and he's choking on them, digesting too many syllables that never turn into sentences. His throat constricts around the idea that Jongdae is lost in silence too and that Sehun can't even break it for him.
Curiosity finally comes, hesitant but surprisingly strong, so Sehun's blanket doesn't stand a chance. He plays with the limits of his vision, slightly tilts his head, hoping Jongdae won't notice it, and his eyes finally settle on Jongdae's thighs at the end of his bed. The older male has his hands on his knees, and just when Sehun's glances at them, he starts drumming his fingers to a random pop song he's now whistling. Sehun's bed creaks again when Jongdae swings his legs.
Jongdae is now mouthing lyrics to a song Sehun recognizes as one of the current success in the musical industry. He's heard Jongdae sing more times than he can count, but it was from behind a wall, and without knowing it was Jongdae. He doesn't hit high notes right now because he keeps his voice low and close to a whisper, but it still sounds amazing to Sehun. Even the short intakes of air feels like they belong to the song, adding things Sehun can't really describe to the words, and he has to bite his lips to not sing along Jongdae, the latter's little dance movements quite infectious. Jongdae ends the second chorus and starts the rap, snapping his fingers and bobbing his head to the rhythm he hears in his mind.
He's good, surprisingly good, but it's his body movements that make Sehun look up. He can't really call it dancing despite the fact that Jongdae's body is following the rhythm, because it's kind of awkward, a little clumsy on the edge, but perfectly synchronized to the beat somehow. Jongdae looks tiny in his large red sweater, but he's smiling and rapping with so much enthusiasm that the sight turns into bubbles in Sehun's stomach. He chortles and Jongdae turns towards him with a big grin on his face. He raises a hand, stopping Sehun from interrupting him as he finishes his rap and scrunches up his face with the last word in what is probably an attempt to look tough.
Sehun chuckles, and Jongdae beams at him. It feels like another eternity, only much more warmer and nice this time, while they smile at each other.
“I hope you have nothing planned for today” Jongdae finally says. He pulls a flashdrive out of his pocket and winks at Sehun. “Because I have something for you.”
“On the left, on the left! I think I saw something!”
Sehun bites his lips and immediately proceeds to make their character turn. Jongdae presses his face against Sehun's shoulder, his eyes glued to the screen and his whole body tenses against Sehun's. A part of him does register their position, the fact that they're huddled up together on his bed, and that Jongdae is clutching his arm so tightly that it's starting to get numb, but with the snacks spread out all over the blanket and Jongdae's hair tickling his neck, it's hard to feel uncomfortable. They've been playing for close to two hours now, and it may be a good thing the game turned out to be as scary as Jongdae had said before, because Sehun would have been freaking out about the ten different physical contacts between them otherwise. (Yes, he counted.)
“We have one paper sheet left to find,” Jongdae whispers. There's a shiver running down Sehun's neck, starting from where Jongdae's breath curls against his skin and wandering all over his body without dying. “Slender is going to find us and we're going to die.”
“Shhhht,” Sehun hushes him. “We're going to win, you'll see.”
Jongdae whimpers and pulls the blanket up to his nose. He frowns, pulls it away and grabs a snack before hiding under it again. Ten turns into twelve physical contacts, and no game will never be scary enough to slow down Sehun's heart. He glances at Jongdae, now nibbling on a choco pie with his free hand tightly clenched around Sehun's biceps, and everything is back. It's Jongdae pressed against him, cuter than his Japanese emoticons, and if Sehun wants to, he just has to reach out to touch Jongdae's moles. Jongdae has been a name for much longer than he's been a face in Sehun's mind, and he keeps seeing him in little pieces, in bad pictures Baekhyun could have sent him, with a profusion of details washing over him.
“Right, right, right!” Jongdae yelps. “He's on the right, we have to get out of this house, Sehunnie! Now!”
Sehun furiously nods, his attention drawn back to the game, but it's too late. There's a loud scream echoing through the room as a black silhouette fills the screen, long white face and slender fingers, and Sehun and Jongdae both recoil. Jongdae elbows him in the ribs and Sehun actually throws his laptop away.
It takes them a few minutes to start breathing normally again, or consider even the slightest move, but when they do, the first thing that happens is their eyes meeting over the blanket pulled up on their chests. Jongdae's eyes are laughing, all wrinkles and long lashes, and Sehun's are half-aghast half-smiling, but wholly drinking in the sight before him.
“Let's try again,” they both say in unison.
(Baekhyun come and tell them that if they do win, he'll buy them pizzas. It takes them six hours, but they win and Baekhyun sheds a tear when the delivery guy asks him to pay for the ten pizzas.)
Sehun barely texts Jongdae anymore, because hanging out with the older male has caused everything Sehun thought he knew about him to shatter. Sehun walks on glass dust everyday, tiny pieces of what Jongdae used to be in his mind, but it keeps blowing up everyday as Jongdae turns out to be more, always more, and Sehun never stop sweeping the floor. Texting Jongdae is like looking through a window thinking you have the whole word right before your eyes, and Sehun doesn't want to go back to drawing hasty conclusions when he's perfectly aware that the truth is so much better. In fact, he only texts Jongdae when Jongin whines in their chat group about how he never get to speak with them anymore, or when Jongdae has class on the other side of the campus and they need to decide where they'll be meeting for lunch.
Sometimes, Sehun wakes up unable to cope with the fact that Jongdae has been a name for far longer than he's been a face because there's nothing left of that time, but it mostly only makes Sehun wants to keep looking at Jongdae. (-forever.)
“It felt like being in a movie” Jongdae says, whisper-like voice and eyes lost in the memories, and Sehun leans in closer.
If Jongin is like Earth's pull, Jongdae is the Sun, supporting all the planets, and Sehun loves watching him hold the world in his hands. It's his favorite change in the portrait he had painted of Jongdae in his mind, how the older male talks about what he's seen and what he's done. Jongdae is like Jongin, impetuous and always reaching for the scariest things, but Sehun finds something almost magical in Jongdae's stories. It feels like time and space bow down before Jongdae as he tells Sehun about that first summer break morning when he woke up with a heart beating too fast, and decided to just go with it and leave for a trip across China.
“It was...” Jongdae pauses and a tiny wrinkle makes its way on his forehead while he searches for the right words. Sehun's eyes follow it almost eagerly. “It was surreal, and epic.”
Sehun slowly nods even though he has no idea what the Li river's landscape look like, but with how Jongdae look right now, almost too bright for his eyes, he can totally grasp the surreal and epic notions.
“Was it your favorite part?” Sehun asks. He's holding his breath, and he's not sure why but he feels like it's the right thing to do.
Jongdae shakes his head. “Everything about that trip was amazing, I can't choose one thing.” He blinks, shadows casted on his cheeks by long lashes and then dark pupils looking up to meet Sehun's eyes. “I'll probably go again. You could come with me, this time.”
“That would be great,” Sehun approves.
Summer break is only a few months away. Sehun doesn't like the heat, nor does he particularly enjoy flying, but he would like it, he thinks. Going on a trip with Jongdae (because Baekhyun wouldn't come this time of course) and witnessing him see the world in his very own way, with the corners of his lips curling around amazed sounds and eyebrows shooting up with surprise. Sehun could be a part of it, after all, and he can't keep the wide grin he feels pulling at his lips.
Jongdae's eyes look down, and Sehun's heart pumps liquid fire through his veins. He feels very aware of Jongdae's gaze on his lips, and his own eyes trail down Jongdae's cheekbone before settling down on his mouth. Jongdae has thin lips, curled up in a smile even when he's not smiling, pink and a little chapped, but probably soft, so soft. Time is slowing down and waves of heat are radiating from the space between them, and Sehun can't help but think about the elements, all those things that are bowing down to Jongdae. It feels like his own knees are all bruised from liking Jongdae, or maybe more, no matter what the exact word is. He just knows that he desperately wants to lean down and close the distance and--
“Are you going to eat that?”
Sehun straightens with a start and Jongdae blinks, confused. Soojung is standing next to them, her index finger pointed at Sehun's cookie. It takes him a few seconds to remember they're all having lunch on the grass and that he's not alone with Jongdae. Sehun glances at him, but Jongdae is suddenly very busy with the chocolate bubble tea Sehun offered him earlier. There's milk on his lips, and Sehun mentally squeaks.
“So?” Soojung impatiently asks. “Are you going to eat that or not?”
Sehun throws his cookie at her, hoping she can read the hatred in his eyes, but Soojung barely reacts. She grabs the cookie and takes a huge bite of it with a condescending twitch of her eyebrow. She's the queen of the death glares after all, and Sehun's dark eyes on her probably barely itch.
“I have to go,” Jongdae suddenly says. He gathers his things and shoves them in his bag. Sehun wants to protest, maybe beg a little, but Jongdae is on his two feet before he can even start to think about the words he could say. “I'll see you all later.”
“See you, oppa,” Soojung says, and Sehun's hands twitch.
Jongdae smiles at her and finally looks down to Sehun.
“Wanna watch another episode of the drama tonight?”
“Sure,” he nods.
“Okay then, see you tonight. Bye everyone!”
Jongdae waves at them, and then turns on his heels. Sehun's eyes follow him until he's lost somewhere in the crowd of students, and only then does he realize how bad he wanted Jongdae to look over his shoulder, and directly at him. Jongdae didn't, and now that he's thinking about it, Sehun isn't even sure Jongdae really wanted to kiss him. He was the one leaning down after all, and the only thing Jongdae did was blinking.
“Oh God, I can see him overthinking.” Jinri butts in. “It's actually painful to watch.”
Sehun turns towards his friends and glares at Soojung for good measure. She shrugs ever-so-slightly and hands him a piece of paper.
“Those are adresses of some shops in which you can find Pikachu toys and plushies.”
Jinri chuckles, but stops when she meets Sehun's deadly eyes. She lowers her head, shoulders slightly shaking with the laugh she's trying to restrain, and Junmyeon pats her on the arms.
“Come on, Sehun-ah,” he says. “Jinri's right. You're thinking too much, Jongdae obviously likes you, so just go for it.”
“Because you would know better than me,” Sehun mumbles, and starts gathering up his stuff. They have no idea, they just catch random moments between he and Jongdae. Sehun is not trying to tell that they're more than that, but they are more than that. Jongdae's not just someone Sehun enjoys spending time with, and even though he can't really define what he is, Sehun is sure he doesn't want to lose whatever they have. It always come down to it after all, taking risks and loving the adrenaline, but Sehun doesn't. Adrenaline always tastes so bitter in his mouth, and it leaves knots in his guts that need weeks to be detangled.
“He's probably waiting for you to do the first move,” Junmyeon continues, voice softer this time.
“How can you be so sure?” Sehun retorts.
“Oh please,” Kyungsoo finally says from behind his book. “I'm pretty sure he would accept even a lame Pikachu replica at this stage.”
Sehun's eyes narrow at Kyungsoo while Jinki and Soojung both cackle, and Sehun decides that he's had enough. He grabs his bag and stands up. Junmyeon protests, but Sehun ignores him and walks away. He has dance practice all afternoon, and the last things he needs are his friends' voices playing with his thoughts and flooding his mind with scenarios Sehun is already pretty obsessed with.
Junmyeon watches him leave with a sigh. He turns towards Kyungsoo and frowns at him.
“Was that really necessary?” he asks, accusing, and Kyungsoo nods.
“Trust me, hyung, we're doing him a favor. Sehun can't take a hint.”
Sehun thinks his friends are wrong when Jongdae arrives late with an armful of papers and books and a smile wearing a hundred of apologies. Later though, Junmyeon's words come back to him when he looks up from his own homework to find Jongdae already staring back at him with a tiny smile that pulls at the right corner of his mouth more than the left. They're wrong again when Jongdae spends half an hour on the phone with Baekhyun discussing the most random topics while Sehun tries to write about the pain all over the woman's face on his photography when all he feels is the burn of jealousy. Jongdae says something about probably not going back to his room tonight because he's planning on watching several episodes of the drama with Sehun, so does that bother you if Taozi sleeps in my bed tonight?, and Sehun's friends are right again. It's an intense game of back and forth that has Sehun spinning around like a topspin, and that leaves him dizzy and confused. He would usually rush into Jongin's chat room and sends all sort of pleas and desperate stickers, and Jongin would answer with surprisingly good advice, but they haven't talked for two days now. Jongin has a really important exam today, and failing it would mean one ticket back to Seoul. Which means Sehun is still overthinking everything, even late in the night, when Jongdae plays the forth episode.
Jongdae's smaller body pressed against his and the leg he has thrown over Sehun's tell him his friends were right, but the proximity of Jongdae's lips and the absence of reaction when Sehun wraps an arm around his waist tell him they're wrong. He's going crazy, and it's almost four am, which means he should just put an end to it and try to get some sleep before he impulsively decides to do something, high on Jongdae's scent and warmth.
“Tired?” Jongdae whispers during the opening credits of the episode, and Sehun shakes his head. Jongdae smiles and nuzzles into Sehun's neck with a satisfied sigh. (They're right.)
“You?” Sehun asks, his voice coming out unsure with the sudden acceleration of his heart.
“I'm okay. I really wanted to watch that episode tonight, it's my favorite.” Jongdae's eyes remain glued to the screen. (They're wrong.) “And you're nice to cuddle with.” (They're right.)
Sehun swallows, trying to pay attention to the screen, but Jongdae's hand is sliding up his torso and it leaves a trail of fire behind. The intimacy and the proximity make him blush, but Jongdae looks totally unaware of Sehun's struggles. The warmth is spreading in Sehun's body faster than any snake's poison, numbing his limbs one after the other, and making his blood boil in his veins. When it reaches his heart, Sehun is far gone, deeply inhaling the soft scent of vanilla coming from Jongdae's hair and fingers curling against the elder's back. Jongdae's lashes are grazing the skin of his neck everytime he blinks, and Sehun feels like his whole body is shriveling until all his left is the threat of his whole being imploding. He turns friable, crumbling piece by piece, losing everything except the want, the need and the warmth, and he snaps. He doesn't care if his friends are right or wrong anymore. He just needs, just wants, and Jongdae is all that matters.
Sehun's hand follows Jongdae's spine up to his neck, and he only stops when a faint shiver echoes to his touch. He needs to do something now, before Jongdae wrecks him beyond repair and all his left of him is a burning supernova.
“Hyung...”
When Sehun looks down, Jongdae is already looking up, dark eyes in a darker night, and messy bangs falling over his eyebrows. Sehun doesn't pay attention to the moles for once, nor does he marvel at the smoothness of Jongdae's skin, because all he can think about is the space between his lips and Jongdae's, set ablaze by Jongdae's breath.
“I--”
In the silence of the room, the loud ringing of Sehun's phone is too sharp and violent. They both startle at the sound, and Jongdae presses the space key. He looks at Sehun expectantly, and Sehun curses internally as he grabs his phone. His heart is still beating erratically in his chest, but Jongdae already disentangled himself and even though he may still be looking at Sehun with dark eyes, it's not made of the same darkness anymore. Sehun sighs as he checks his phone, although grateful because meeting Jongdae's eyes is not a good idea right now, not with the way he can feel his face heating up.
“It's Jongin,” he says, frowning.
still up? pls tell me u are i need u
“Fuck,” Sehun mumbles.
He throws his phone on the blankets and brings his laptop on his thighs. His blood is now dragging ice through his whole body, and it's not fair how quickly it can go from lava to avalanche, either way drowning Sehun in the most intense feelings. Jongin rarely asks for help, but when he does, it's because the apocalypse happened and left him bruised and dying. Sehun is on the other side of the world, he's more powerless than ever, and the thought is terrifying.
“Sehunnie...? What's wrong?” Jongdae asks with a worried voice as he glances at Sehun's fingers typing.
Sehun doesn't answer, because he has no fucking idea and he doesn't want to say it out loud. Jongdae watches him, brows knitted together, before glancing at the screen just when Jongin finally accepts the call. Sehun doesn't look at Jongdae, but he sees from the edge of his vision how the older male moves slightly away, just to be sure he won't be caught on camera, and he definitely feels the comforting pressure of Jongdae's fingers on his thigh. His free hand goes dip under the sheets to find Jongdae's, and he grabs it, determined to never let it go.
“Jongin, what's wrong?” Sehun asks, his voice cracking with worried.
The pixelation is as bad as usual, but Sehun can still make out the puffiness of Jongin's eyes, how red has taken over white in his eyes, and the wet trails glistening on his cheeks. Thoughts about Jongin's important exam blows up in his mind, and his heart beats so violently in his chest that Sehun thinks he hears one of his rib crack. Jongin isn't looking directly into his webcam, and Sehun knows him too well to know that it's pure embarrassment, but he also knows that Jongin usually covers his face when he cries. If it's a pain too strong and too heavy for him to even lift his arms, Sehun won't have any other choice than to book a flight. He can't let Jongin alone like that.
“I'm-- just....” Jongin takes a deep breath and sniffs. “Leave me a second.”
Sehun nods, and glances at Jongdae. His friend is watching him with worried eyes, concern spread all over his face in the most beautiful way, which is something Sehun shouldn't probably notice right now. He does though, because sincerity and honesty have never looked more beautiful than written on Jongdae's face, and it makes him feel a little bit better, a little bit stronger.
“Is is about your dance presentation?” Sehun asks, hesitant. “Did you... Did you fail?”
Jongin shakes his head. He wipes his eyes and presses the heel of his hands against his swollen eyelids.
“No, I made it. I got the best grade, and they even congratulated me, but..” His voice breaks and he lowers his head.
Sehun frowns, but just when he's about to ask, Jongdae's fingers press against the palm of his hand. He glances at him, and Jongdae flashes him a tiny smile with a slight tilt of his head.
“Let him speak,” Jongdae mouths, but looking straight at his lips might not be a good idea right now. It sends tingles along Sehun's spine, and even the guilt of being the worst best friend ever isn't enough to stop the kittenish curls of Jongdae's lips from burning themselves on Sehun's eyelids.
“It's so hard, Sehun,” Jongin sobs, one of his hands finally hiding his eyes. “It's so fucking hard and I don't know if I can do this. I had to work so hard for that exam and I felt like I was going to die. My whole body hurts so much, I can't take it anymore. They're so severe. I can't do it anymore...” Jongin's shoulders are now shaking from the cries he tries to muffle, but the poor audio quality just make them worse. “I wanna come back home...”
Sehun thinks it's the worst by far, because having Jongin as a best friend can be annoying sometimes, but it remains the best thing that has ever happened to him. Jongin orders food for him when Sehun doesn't feel like dealing with social interactions, and when he suddenly feels brave enough, Jongin feels it and he just shuts up. He never says anything about it, because he simply understands it, and Sehun has nothing to do when he's with him aside from being himself. It's the best feeling, knowing that there's someone out there who is willing to take you exactly as you are, but it's even better when that person turns out to be Kim Jongin, bright and strong Kim Jongin. The worst, though, is taking from Jongin, because Jongin gives and gives, but when it's time for Sehun to give back, he always finds himself frozen. It's not that he doesn't want, or that he wants Jongin to suffer, it's because it's Jongin, and he's just Sehun. What can he do, when Jongin has been the foundation of his whole life, and Sehun has never given him anything else than worries?
He looks up and meets Jongdae's eyes. The latter looks confused, and he's probably wondering why Sehun doesn't say a word, but he looks at him in a way that makes Sehun feel like he kind of understands. Jongdae is probably way better at comforting Baekhyun than Sehun is with Jongin, but how is he supposed to think with Jongin's muffled sobs echoing through his mind? Or when Jongdae's eyes are glued to him, waiting and questioning?
Sehun grabs Jongdae by the wrist and pulls him closer, his own thoughts going blank at what he's doing. Taken aback, Jongdae gasps as he loses his balance and lands on Sehun's chest.
Jongin looks up and frowns at the new picture on his screen. His eyes widen when he recognizes Jongdae's face, and he quickly dries his cheeks with the inside of his sleeve.
“Were you-- Did you-- Am I bothering … something?” Jongin emphasizes on the last word, and Sehun pretends he doesn't get it.
He's grateful that Jongdae is not pushing him away, because it would be the most embarrassing thing ever, and decides to wrap his arms around Jongdae's delicate waist. Jongin reads into his silence, takes the lack of answer for a confirmation, and a big grin makes his way on his face.
“Are you two finally together?!” he asks, excited.
Jongdae slightly stiffens against him, but Sehun ignores it.
“We are,” he nods.
Jongin throws a fist in the air and claps loudly, and Sehun cringes internally. Jongdae doesn't move, probably because he's nice enough not to embarrass Sehun in front of Jongin like that, but Sehun has no doubt over what will happen when the call will end. He finds it almost worth it with the way Jongin is now smiling heartily at the camera. Almost, because Jongdae's pressed against his chest and it may be the best sensation Sehun has ever felt, but it's also probably his only chance to bask in the vanilla scent and Jongdae's soothing warmth like that. His friends were probably wrong, in the end. Jongdae is just a great friend, and Sehun has the bad tendency to want what he can't have.
“I'll let you two alone then,” Jongin says. “We'll talk tomorrow, okay? Don't worry about me, really, I already feel better. It was the stress, or whatever.” He waves in a dismissive hand gesture. “See you guys!”
Before Sehun can think of anything to say, Jongin leans in and the call is ended. The brightness of the screen blinds Sehun, and he wishes it could set fire to his optical nerves, send sparkles straight into his brain and kill him right here and now. Jongdae doesn't move, hands pressed flat against Sehun's chest, and Sehun doesn't find the courage to look down and check if Jongdae looks terribly angry or just mildly confused. He waits for the punch, the insult or whatever it is that Jongdae does when he's furious, but nothing comes. His laptop goes on standby, the silence gets even more silent with every second passing by, and Sehun feels so aware of all the places Jongdae is touching him, of his legs thrown over his thigh and his hip pressing against his lower abdomen. He can't enjoy it though, because Jongdae could push him away any moment, but he can't exactly pull away first, because he's holding Jongdae in his arms. He wouldn't be there in the first place if he knew how to escape to Jongdae's strong pull.
“So.” Jongdae finally says, and his voice, although not much louder than a whisper, startles Sehun. “You kinda freaked out, am I right?”
“Oh god,” Sehun moans. He closes his eyes, the skin of his face burning more than ever. “I did, I am so sorry, hyung.”
To Sehun's surprise, Jongdae chuckles. It's a low sound, because it's really late in the night -or early in the morning- and Jongdae probably doesn't want to bother anyone in the building, but it sounds so different from his usual peals of laughter. It's deep and it vibrates in Jongdae's chest, and with only two thick layers of clothes between them, Sehun feels it rumbling in his own chest. Jongdae is not fair.
“It's okay,” Jongdae chuckles. “Though it's kind of weird that you thought telling Jongin you were getting laid would comfort him, and it's even weirder that it actually did? You're always saying Baekhyun is obsessed with my dick, but I think Jongin might be obsessed with yours, Sehunnie.”
Jongdae finally disentangles himself from him, and Sehun has to bite his cheek not to moan at the loss. Jongdae stays between his thighs though, and the warzone is back in Sehun's mind. Right, wrong, real hints, daydreams... Jongdae drowns him in the most confusing game of true and false, but he does it so easily, and Sehun actually doesn't mind searching through Jongdae's eyes for any clues. Questions without answers have always been the most stressful things, heavy to carry around for Sehun, but that was before the question turned out to be Jongdae, and the lack of answer meant he had to spend more time with him.
Jongdae breaks him out of his reverie when he pats his arm.
“I'm sorry Sehunnie, but I think your best friend is also thirsting for you dick. Be strong.”
Sehun sighs with a smile, and shakes his head.
“It's not like that,” he says. “Jongin is... Jongin spends a lot of time worrying about me being alone, but now he doesn't have to anymore. Plus, he likes you so I suspect him to be throwing a party on his own right now.” Jongdae smiles, but Sehun's own lips get back to a straight line. “I'm sorry, hyung. I should call him back and tell him the truth.”
Jongdae shrugs. “Why didn't you just tell him he'll be okay? He's a great dancer, isn't he?”
Sehun nods. “The best.”
Jongdae looks at him with insistence, and Sehun sighs. He doesn't like words, and words don't like him, but something tells him that Jongdae won't let him run away this time.
“Jongin makes everything look so easy, you know. He's a social butterfly and everyone likes him, and he acts like he's never afraid of anything. He's the total opposite of who I am, and most of the time, I just... I mean, it's easier to hide in his shadow than to stand all alone in the light.” Sehun pauses, but Jongdae doesn't get the clue that it's his turn to speak. He probably does it on purpose though, because the soft pressure of his hand on Sehun's arm is inviting and nothing like congratulating. Sehun takes a deep breath and continues. “When he gets like that, all sad and confused and unsure about what he can do, I just... it's so scary, because when you think about it, if Jongin is like that, being who he is, then what am I...? I don't know, it's dumb, but...”
Sehun stops, not knowing what to say next, or if there even are words that would apply to what he's thinking. It's a whole mess in his mind, and he gave up on trying to clean it up so long ago. The only thing he knows is that when everything gets too much, Jongin makes it bearable, and Sehun can't lose that, no matter how selfish it might sound.
Jongdae remains quiet, but his hand keeps spreading warm waves through Sehun's arm. Sehun would listen to Jongdae's slow breathing, but he suddenly can't take the silence anymore. It drives him crazy, and it makes his skin feel itchy. All that darkness around them is stifling, suffocative, because he can't see Jongdae, and Sehun hates it. He reaches to switch the bedside light on.
Jongdae is watching him with a little smile, one of those closed-lip smiles Sehun has seen before when Jongdae was looking at Zitao or Baekhyun, all soft and warm. He doesn't really understand how such a tiny smile can be brigther than Jongdae's usual flashes of canines, but it is, somehow.
“You're cute,” Jongdae finally says fondly. “You're a giant boy with of a body made for sins, but I swear you're cuter than Zitao.”
“I-- what?”
Jongdae nods. His palm slides down Sehun's arm, leaving a weird bubbly sensation on his skin as it wanders to Sehun's fingers. He spreads them, eyes still glued to Jongdae, and parts his lips as Jongdae's fingers take over the space between his. It's a magical fit, because Jongdae's fingers don't only feel great between his, they also bring with them sharp intakes of air and loud beating of his heart, but Sehun welcomes them easily, probably too easily.
“You keep comparing what's going on inside of you with what you see of other people, but we all have darker places inside, you know. You look so confident Sehun, you have that stare that keep people away because you make them feel like they're not worthy of your time, but you actually lock yourself in bathrooms to avoid people, and you feel so much more comfortable with texting rather than actual chatting.”
Jongdae pauses and puts his free hand on his own chest.
“Did you know that I cried like, four times when I left for that trip across China? We only had our backpacks, our Mandarin was terrible, and it was all so impulsive... It was scary, and I missed my family a lot. You know I want to travel so bad, but I'm also fucking terrified at the idea of leaving home.”
“Really?”
Jongdae nods with a faint smile, and Sehun reads things on his face he's never paid attention to before. Jongdae bites his lower lip when he's embarrassed, and he lowers his head, looking at Sehun from under his bangs. He doesn't quite meet Sehun's eyes, his pupils avoiding the confrontation with constant moves, and his hold on Sehun's hand tigthens. Sehun is not exactly sure why, but he thinks about space and time, about how they bow down to Jongdae when he talks about the things he likes, the things that matter, but Sehun isn't much different. He bows down like everything does, and he straightens only to watch and admire.
He never thought Jongdae was fearless after all, but it's a thing to picture him scared and worried, and another to witness the furrow of his eyebrows. Jongdae acts like he just spilled out the most embarrassing secret, but Sehun only sees how his own fears drove him in a public bathroom when Jongdae's didn't stop him from going on the plane that day. It's a whole new game of true and false, but the rules have changed now, and the only thing that could be wrong is letting Jongdae believe that his little speech make a difference.
Sehun leans in and presses a soft kiss directly on Jongdae's lips. The latter stops pouting immediately, but he doesn't pull away, nor does he open his eyes to look at Sehun with question marks in them. He wraps his arms around Sehun's neck and he pulls him down until their lips touch again. It's a little bit clumsy at first, because Sehun is already partying his lips to welcome Jongdae's tongue inside, but Jongdae doesn't let go of his upper lip. He's driving him crazy, with his delicate licking and soft touches, but it's a nice kind of craziness. The kind that explodes in Sehun's mind in burning white, and that sends shivers down his spine.
He grabs Jongdae by the waist and sits him on his lap, and just like their fingers earlier, they fit in the most perfect way. Jongade keeps moving, pressing his chest against Sehun before pulling away to let enough space for his hands to wander on Sehun's body, but Sehun doesn't mind. He's always thought Jongdae was hard to grasp, hard to catch anyway. Plus, his own body follows the waves and bends according to Jongdae's movements so easily that it makes him feel like this is where he belongs. And maybe it is.
Jongdae kisses with his two hands buried deep in Sehun's hair, gripping at the hair on the back of his head. He takes his time mapping Sehun's mouth though, and the soft butterfly kisses he leaves on the corner of Sehun's lips don't feel as urging as the pressure of his palm against Sehun's neck. Sehun loses himself along Jongdae's neckline, loses himself in the sensations, in Jongdae's soft whines, he loses himself in his hair and in Jongdae's small chuckles as Sehun showers his temples with kisses. He even loses the mere hope of being found again somewhere between Jongdae's parted lips and the sharpness of his collarbone when he leaves a trail of kisses that end on Jongdae's mole.
Jongdae presses their foreheads together, his hands still buried in Sehun's hair. They're both panting, both all over each other, and Sehun feels dizzy, unsure of where his body stops and Jongdae's begins, but he doesn't mind redrawing the lines. Jongdae is looking at him straight in the eyes with his lips swollen by kisses, the galaxy of moles under his eyebrow and the dark lava in his pupils. He looks stunning like that, so small that Sehun could hide him from the world, disheveled by their embrace, and warm and pliant under Sehun's palms.
“Jongdae,” Sehun moans softly.
The pictures flashing through his mind have long getting rid of hyungs and other marks of respect, and Sehun doesn't fail to notice the shiver that run along Jongdae's curves when he says his name. He leans in and softly nips Jongdae's jawline.
“Jongdae,” he says again between two kisses.
“Oh god, you're so hot,” Jongdae whines, fingers scrapping Sehun's back.
Sehun chuckles against Jongdae's neck and presses another kiss on his collarbone mole before straightening to meet Jongdae's eyes.
“Thank you,” he says, and Jongdae furiously shakes his head.
“It wasn't a compliment,” Jongdae retorts. “It's half past four and I'm exhausted. Your hotness will kill me.”
He moves closer to Sehun and slips his arms under his shirt, directly against Sehun's ribs. He palms them and buries his face against Sehun's neck.
“Cuddle with me,” he asks, and even though his voice is muffled against his own skin, Sehun still can hear the pout in the intonations Jongdae uses.
His heart is still beating erratically in his chest, and there are waves of heat regularly hitting his body, but Sehun doesn't complain. Holding Jongdae tight isn't bad after all. It comes with hot breath tickling the skin of his neck, and with everything Sehun likes, from the vanilla scent to the way Jongdae's body annihilates every inches of space between them. He holds him tight, pressed against his chest and lets his fingers run on Jongdae's neck, but they never venture in the messy strands of brown hair. Sehun likes to think about all the sensations hidden all over Jongdae's body, and how he could snatch them all right here and now, but he likes thinking about taking his time even more.
“Plus,” Jongdae sleepily whispers in the crook of Sehun's neck. “You didn't even buy me a Pikachu toy.”
Sehun can't help but burst into laughter as he hugs Jongdae closer.
“Do you see him?” Sehun asks, excited.
When no one answers, he looks down with a frown only to find Jondgae starring at him with a raised eyebrow.
“You're like twice my height. If you don't see anything, do you really think I can?”
Sehun snorts, but shrugs it off instead of replying. He knows Jongdae well enough to not start a war of snarky comments with him, because Jongdae turns into that sarcastic monster everytime and Sehun doesn't feel like dealing with all that sass right now. (In truth, it's because Jongdae always wins and Sehun hates losing.) He ignores his boyfriend -internal giggling- and goes back to eye scanning the crowd of travelers in a hurry spreading right before them.
He's about to groan at Kyungsoo, who isn't really helping either, when he spots a familiar face amongst the unknown ones.
“He's here!” he exclaims, and before anyone can say anything, he raises his hand and starts waving. “Jongin! Jongin, we're here!”
His best friend stops in his tracks and frown at the people around him, confused. His eyes finally settle on Sehun's and he grins. He almost runs to them, and just as Sehun gives up on the cool attitude, too happy to finally see his best friend face to face, and spreads his arms open for the most embarrassing best friend embrace ever, Jongin pulls out a huge stuffed Pikachu from his bag. Sehun's arms fall against his sides.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Kim Jongin,” he snaps. “You really don't know when a joke's over, don't you?”
Jongin has the nerve to beam at him. “Relax, it's not for you.”
And just like that, he hands the plushie to Kyungsoo whose cheeks instantly go red. Jongdae coughs loudly, poor attempt to hide his laugh, and Sehun pulls him closer until Jongdae takes the hint and buries his face against Sehun's back, his arms locked around his waist. Last time Jongdae laughed at Kyungsoo ended badly, and Jongdae still has the scar left by the fork on his thigh. (Sehun kinda likes it, tiny red dots on milky skin, but still.)
“You are so going to die, Billy Elliot,” Sehun smiles at Jongin. Jongdae coughs a maybe not Kyungsoo isn't armed against his back, and despite the layers of clothes, Sehun feels the vibrations against his bones. His smile grows wider.
“Well, it worked for you two, so I figured...” Jongin shrugs as he throws a hesitant look at Kyungsoo, who's still frozen in his spot, red patches of skin standing out against the natural whiteness of his complexion.
Sehun curses at his best friend's stupidity, and Jongdae claims that it will never work because they're obviously not as awesome as Sehun and he are.
(It works.)
1| 2| 3
hi hello this is dumb
but even dumber is the sequel i wrote
happy birthday sehun don't thank me
Jongdae sends a lot of sad Japanese emoticons, takes screenshots of their Line chat room with big red arrows pointing at the little reads next to his texts and even bigger question marks filling the rest of the picture. Kyungsoo was right, avoiding Jongdae is hard, but not only because he lives next door. Sehun misses the texting, he misses the feeling of ecstasy at the sight of the tiny green light, and he misses playing the voices in his head, and wondering about Jongdae. Since the incident, Sehun saw his neighbor only once, and it was even shorter than the first time, because as soon as Sehun realized the guy standing in front of his door was Jongdae, he quickly turned on his heels and decided to spend the night at Jinri's.
The worst is that running away from Jongdae doesn't come from a strong thought or a quick analysis of what could happen, it's a reflex that takes over Sehun's legs before his own mind can come up with a reason to stay. He spends hours looking at his phone and debating with himself whether or not he should answer, say something, anything. The first day, Jongin tells him he could. The second day, he tells him he should. And on the sixth day, Sehun concludes that it's too late now, and that it would just be even weirder. Jongin sighs through the webcam, exhaustion wearing him down, and Sehun feels bad for all the worry he can read on his best friend's face. He feels even worse for cutting short several skype sessions with lame excuses such as 'oh I heard Zitao I need to pretend I'm sleeping bye Jongin!', just because Jongin had that look on his face that was foreshadowing a serious talk Sehun isn't ready to face.
It's a heavy sensation, not in the heart but in the mind, because it's where the battle happens. Sehun finds himself ripped in two and fighting with both sides, his own thoughts now turned into a warzone. He doesn't win, but doesn't lose either, and he keeps fighting again and again and again until he doesn't even know what he's thinking anymore. Jongdae turns out to be even harder to avoid when he's all Sehun can think about.
(He tries to talk to Kyungsoo, tries to find the words, explain him that Sehun wishes it could be different this time, but Kyungsoo glares at him and hits him on the back of his head.)
i don't know what to do anymoooooooore sehunniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie
you're lucky i like you because you're being kind of a douche right now
also baekhyun said it's because you found me mesmerizing
thank you sehun i know i'm hot
UGH YOU'RE SO FRUSTRATING WHY ARE YOU MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT
i was wearing a pikachu shirt for god's sake
you know my history with pikachu
(also i'm not offering you a blowjob right now if that's what you're thinking)
but i dont know would that make you come back?
Sehun chuckles before he remembers he shouldn't, and Zitao glances at him from his bed. Sehun has been avoiding him as well, but living with the Chinese male made it quite hard, so he eventually decided that ignoring Zitao would be enough. Zitao didn't insist, being the total sweetheart he is, but from time to time, Sehun sees him breathing in and opening his mouth, ready to talk before deflating and turning his back on Sehun.
This time, he doesn't.
“Jongdae hyung really wants to talk to you, you know.”
Taken by surprise, Sehun can only blink at Zitao, and the latter blushes.
“I was crying the first time I met him,” Zitao continues. “I'm like.... really ugly when I cry, you know. Like--” He twitches his face and flashes several scrunched up faces at Sehun.
“Oh god, what are you-- Please stop.”
Zitao cracks an eye open and shrugs, embarrassed.
“I'm just trying to say that I understand. I couldn't meet Jongdae's eyes for like two weeks after that.” Zitao gives him a little smile. “But he had no trouble looking me in the eyes.”
Zitao rummages through his bag and pulls out a bag of sweets. He throws it at Sehun who catches it in mid-air, dumbfounded.
“I bought you chocolate,” Zitao says, almost absently as he gets back to his homework.
Sehun stares at the bag in his hand for close to one hour, thinking that it's not fair. Zitao struggles everyday with a language which is not his own, but he stumbles around two sentences, and he has it all figured out. Sehun would like to tell him it's more complicated than that, that he's not avoiding Jongdae simply because he's embarrassed, but it's really not. He doesn't want to face Jongdae and realises the latter sees him as dumb first year, because he's so much more than his awkwardness and uneasiness, but it's not like he's trying to prove it wrong either.
Sehun sighs, feeling the start of a headache swelling his brain, and puts the snacks on his nightstand. He'll think about that tomorrow, and probably in his dreams before, because thinking too much is kind of his specialty, especially when it only requires him to just do something.
He sends one last text to Jongin, and closes his eyes. Jongdae is all over his eyelids, but he can't really say he's surprised. (It's been quite some time already.)
hey jongin i'll tell you what: china's pretty lucky to have zitao as a princess
Something is wrong. It's not a well-defined feeling but it's still there, lurking under the water and creeping through the heavy mist currently erasing the limits of Sehun's mind. It's Sunday morning, and he's sleeping, or at least he should be, but it's like something is coming to get him, digging through thick layers of too few hours of sleep, and Sehun can already feel consciousness starting to clean the mess in his mind. He tries to fight it off, because it's warm and safe where he is, he can't feel how sore his body is after hours of practice and pitched black is simpler, easier. He just wants to sleep, for God's sake.
“Oh come on, don't make me jump on you, Oh Sehun.”
Sehun cracks an eye open, alarmed by the unknown voice. It's light and cheerful, and kind of strained on the edges, as if the guy it belongs to was trying not to laugh, and it washes over Sehun's mind with shades of bright red.
He wakes up with a start, opening his eyes wide only to find someone hovering over him, and it's definitely not Zitao. Sehun was lost in lethargy and slowness just a second before, but it all catches up at once, the light, the muscular ache and the face staring at him. Taken by surprise and half of his brain still enjoying Dreamland, Sehun has no control over the squeal that goes past his lips. His voice breaks around the sound and it ends in a weak whimper that he miserably tries to muffle by pulling his blanket up to his chin.
“Oh god!! I wanted to scowl you for being an ass but you just made a kicked puppy noise and now I just feel really bad! Are you okay?!”
Jongdae. Jongdae is looking at him with wide eyes, bend down over Sehun's bed and hands pressed flat against the mattress. Jongdae is in his room, looking at him straight in the eyes, pouty lips and eyebrows knitted together, and he's so close that Sehun can see lashes kissing high cheekbones when Jongdae blinks.
“What are you doing here?” Sehun manages to croak, horrified.
Jongdae smiles, flashing sharp canines as his eyes momentarily turn into slits, and Sehun mentally screeches.
“Like I said. You were being an ass to me, so I decided to be an ass to you and wake you up at eight on a Sunday morning.” Jongdae straightens and opens his arms. “Surprise!”
In all honesty, Sehun does think about jumping out of his bed and running away, but then half of his body is still sleeping and he'll probably faceplant in the most embarrassing way. Jongdae watches him in silence, and Sehun counts the seconds, his blanket still pressed against his lips. If they were texting right now, Jongdae would send him a cute Japanese emoticon before switching topics with so much easiness that it would rub off on Sehun. Only they're not, Sehun isn't looking at Jongdae's name on his phone, he's looking at his face, all smooth skin and sharp features, and he feels way too embarrassed for a single Japanese emoticon to make it all go away.
He breathes in and wets his lips in a nervous tic. Jongdae's smile only gets wider.
“How did you--” Sehun stops as Jongdae steps on the right with a head gesture towards Zitao's bed. It's empty. Of course.
“Taozi let me in.”
“Traitor,” Sehun mumbles in his blanket.
Jongdae doesn't answer, and Sehun decides that staring down at his blanket is the only thing he can do. The atmosphere stiffens around him and he feels like he's breathing in dust and rocks. Thoughts of Jongin come unannounced, and Sehun doesn't recognize the mocking voice in his head, but he hears the words and he agrees to the mockery. Jongin would never have reacted like that, he would have been all over Jongdae, excited and pleased, and the ice would have been broken in the blink of an eye. Sehun isn't like that, has never been, but he feels like it's the first time he wishes he could be this hard. Jongdae is so close, and Sehun feels like he's drowning in need and want for him to stay, but drowning means he's falling deeper and deeper,with lips sealed by the pressure.
It feels like an hour later when Jongdae stretches up with a yawn, but Sehun still doesn't look up. He catches faint movements from the edge of his vision and before he can get himself ready, Jongdae sits down on his bed. It creaks under his weight and Sehun feels like his whole body is now sliding down towards Jongdae's. He keeps staring at his blanket, all the white starting to numb his eyes. Words rush in his throat, but they never go past his lips and he's choking on them, digesting too many syllables that never turn into sentences. His throat constricts around the idea that Jongdae is lost in silence too and that Sehun can't even break it for him.
Curiosity finally comes, hesitant but surprisingly strong, so Sehun's blanket doesn't stand a chance. He plays with the limits of his vision, slightly tilts his head, hoping Jongdae won't notice it, and his eyes finally settle on Jongdae's thighs at the end of his bed. The older male has his hands on his knees, and just when Sehun's glances at them, he starts drumming his fingers to a random pop song he's now whistling. Sehun's bed creaks again when Jongdae swings his legs.
Jongdae is now mouthing lyrics to a song Sehun recognizes as one of the current success in the musical industry. He's heard Jongdae sing more times than he can count, but it was from behind a wall, and without knowing it was Jongdae. He doesn't hit high notes right now because he keeps his voice low and close to a whisper, but it still sounds amazing to Sehun. Even the short intakes of air feels like they belong to the song, adding things Sehun can't really describe to the words, and he has to bite his lips to not sing along Jongdae, the latter's little dance movements quite infectious. Jongdae ends the second chorus and starts the rap, snapping his fingers and bobbing his head to the rhythm he hears in his mind.
He's good, surprisingly good, but it's his body movements that make Sehun look up. He can't really call it dancing despite the fact that Jongdae's body is following the rhythm, because it's kind of awkward, a little clumsy on the edge, but perfectly synchronized to the beat somehow. Jongdae looks tiny in his large red sweater, but he's smiling and rapping with so much enthusiasm that the sight turns into bubbles in Sehun's stomach. He chortles and Jongdae turns towards him with a big grin on his face. He raises a hand, stopping Sehun from interrupting him as he finishes his rap and scrunches up his face with the last word in what is probably an attempt to look tough.
Sehun chuckles, and Jongdae beams at him. It feels like another eternity, only much more warmer and nice this time, while they smile at each other.
“I hope you have nothing planned for today” Jongdae finally says. He pulls a flashdrive out of his pocket and winks at Sehun. “Because I have something for you.”
“On the left, on the left! I think I saw something!”
Sehun bites his lips and immediately proceeds to make their character turn. Jongdae presses his face against Sehun's shoulder, his eyes glued to the screen and his whole body tenses against Sehun's. A part of him does register their position, the fact that they're huddled up together on his bed, and that Jongdae is clutching his arm so tightly that it's starting to get numb, but with the snacks spread out all over the blanket and Jongdae's hair tickling his neck, it's hard to feel uncomfortable. They've been playing for close to two hours now, and it may be a good thing the game turned out to be as scary as Jongdae had said before, because Sehun would have been freaking out about the ten different physical contacts between them otherwise. (Yes, he counted.)
“We have one paper sheet left to find,” Jongdae whispers. There's a shiver running down Sehun's neck, starting from where Jongdae's breath curls against his skin and wandering all over his body without dying. “Slender is going to find us and we're going to die.”
“Shhhht,” Sehun hushes him. “We're going to win, you'll see.”
Jongdae whimpers and pulls the blanket up to his nose. He frowns, pulls it away and grabs a snack before hiding under it again. Ten turns into twelve physical contacts, and no game will never be scary enough to slow down Sehun's heart. He glances at Jongdae, now nibbling on a choco pie with his free hand tightly clenched around Sehun's biceps, and everything is back. It's Jongdae pressed against him, cuter than his Japanese emoticons, and if Sehun wants to, he just has to reach out to touch Jongdae's moles. Jongdae has been a name for much longer than he's been a face in Sehun's mind, and he keeps seeing him in little pieces, in bad pictures Baekhyun could have sent him, with a profusion of details washing over him.
“Right, right, right!” Jongdae yelps. “He's on the right, we have to get out of this house, Sehunnie! Now!”
Sehun furiously nods, his attention drawn back to the game, but it's too late. There's a loud scream echoing through the room as a black silhouette fills the screen, long white face and slender fingers, and Sehun and Jongdae both recoil. Jongdae elbows him in the ribs and Sehun actually throws his laptop away.
It takes them a few minutes to start breathing normally again, or consider even the slightest move, but when they do, the first thing that happens is their eyes meeting over the blanket pulled up on their chests. Jongdae's eyes are laughing, all wrinkles and long lashes, and Sehun's are half-aghast half-smiling, but wholly drinking in the sight before him.
“Let's try again,” they both say in unison.
(Baekhyun come and tell them that if they do win, he'll buy them pizzas. It takes them six hours, but they win and Baekhyun sheds a tear when the delivery guy asks him to pay for the ten pizzas.)
Sehun barely texts Jongdae anymore, because hanging out with the older male has caused everything Sehun thought he knew about him to shatter. Sehun walks on glass dust everyday, tiny pieces of what Jongdae used to be in his mind, but it keeps blowing up everyday as Jongdae turns out to be more, always more, and Sehun never stop sweeping the floor. Texting Jongdae is like looking through a window thinking you have the whole word right before your eyes, and Sehun doesn't want to go back to drawing hasty conclusions when he's perfectly aware that the truth is so much better. In fact, he only texts Jongdae when Jongin whines in their chat group about how he never get to speak with them anymore, or when Jongdae has class on the other side of the campus and they need to decide where they'll be meeting for lunch.
Sometimes, Sehun wakes up unable to cope with the fact that Jongdae has been a name for far longer than he's been a face because there's nothing left of that time, but it mostly only makes Sehun wants to keep looking at Jongdae. (-forever.)
“It felt like being in a movie” Jongdae says, whisper-like voice and eyes lost in the memories, and Sehun leans in closer.
If Jongin is like Earth's pull, Jongdae is the Sun, supporting all the planets, and Sehun loves watching him hold the world in his hands. It's his favorite change in the portrait he had painted of Jongdae in his mind, how the older male talks about what he's seen and what he's done. Jongdae is like Jongin, impetuous and always reaching for the scariest things, but Sehun finds something almost magical in Jongdae's stories. It feels like time and space bow down before Jongdae as he tells Sehun about that first summer break morning when he woke up with a heart beating too fast, and decided to just go with it and leave for a trip across China.
“It was...” Jongdae pauses and a tiny wrinkle makes its way on his forehead while he searches for the right words. Sehun's eyes follow it almost eagerly. “It was surreal, and epic.”
Sehun slowly nods even though he has no idea what the Li river's landscape look like, but with how Jongdae look right now, almost too bright for his eyes, he can totally grasp the surreal and epic notions.
“Was it your favorite part?” Sehun asks. He's holding his breath, and he's not sure why but he feels like it's the right thing to do.
Jongdae shakes his head. “Everything about that trip was amazing, I can't choose one thing.” He blinks, shadows casted on his cheeks by long lashes and then dark pupils looking up to meet Sehun's eyes. “I'll probably go again. You could come with me, this time.”
“That would be great,” Sehun approves.
Summer break is only a few months away. Sehun doesn't like the heat, nor does he particularly enjoy flying, but he would like it, he thinks. Going on a trip with Jongdae (because Baekhyun wouldn't come this time of course) and witnessing him see the world in his very own way, with the corners of his lips curling around amazed sounds and eyebrows shooting up with surprise. Sehun could be a part of it, after all, and he can't keep the wide grin he feels pulling at his lips.
Jongdae's eyes look down, and Sehun's heart pumps liquid fire through his veins. He feels very aware of Jongdae's gaze on his lips, and his own eyes trail down Jongdae's cheekbone before settling down on his mouth. Jongdae has thin lips, curled up in a smile even when he's not smiling, pink and a little chapped, but probably soft, so soft. Time is slowing down and waves of heat are radiating from the space between them, and Sehun can't help but think about the elements, all those things that are bowing down to Jongdae. It feels like his own knees are all bruised from liking Jongdae, or maybe more, no matter what the exact word is. He just knows that he desperately wants to lean down and close the distance and--
“Are you going to eat that?”
Sehun straightens with a start and Jongdae blinks, confused. Soojung is standing next to them, her index finger pointed at Sehun's cookie. It takes him a few seconds to remember they're all having lunch on the grass and that he's not alone with Jongdae. Sehun glances at him, but Jongdae is suddenly very busy with the chocolate bubble tea Sehun offered him earlier. There's milk on his lips, and Sehun mentally squeaks.
“So?” Soojung impatiently asks. “Are you going to eat that or not?”
Sehun throws his cookie at her, hoping she can read the hatred in his eyes, but Soojung barely reacts. She grabs the cookie and takes a huge bite of it with a condescending twitch of her eyebrow. She's the queen of the death glares after all, and Sehun's dark eyes on her probably barely itch.
“I have to go,” Jongdae suddenly says. He gathers his things and shoves them in his bag. Sehun wants to protest, maybe beg a little, but Jongdae is on his two feet before he can even start to think about the words he could say. “I'll see you all later.”
“See you, oppa,” Soojung says, and Sehun's hands twitch.
Jongdae smiles at her and finally looks down to Sehun.
“Wanna watch another episode of the drama tonight?”
“Sure,” he nods.
“Okay then, see you tonight. Bye everyone!”
Jongdae waves at them, and then turns on his heels. Sehun's eyes follow him until he's lost somewhere in the crowd of students, and only then does he realize how bad he wanted Jongdae to look over his shoulder, and directly at him. Jongdae didn't, and now that he's thinking about it, Sehun isn't even sure Jongdae really wanted to kiss him. He was the one leaning down after all, and the only thing Jongdae did was blinking.
“Oh God, I can see him overthinking.” Jinri butts in. “It's actually painful to watch.”
Sehun turns towards his friends and glares at Soojung for good measure. She shrugs ever-so-slightly and hands him a piece of paper.
“Those are adresses of some shops in which you can find Pikachu toys and plushies.”
Jinri chuckles, but stops when she meets Sehun's deadly eyes. She lowers her head, shoulders slightly shaking with the laugh she's trying to restrain, and Junmyeon pats her on the arms.
“Come on, Sehun-ah,” he says. “Jinri's right. You're thinking too much, Jongdae obviously likes you, so just go for it.”
“Because you would know better than me,” Sehun mumbles, and starts gathering up his stuff. They have no idea, they just catch random moments between he and Jongdae. Sehun is not trying to tell that they're more than that, but they are more than that. Jongdae's not just someone Sehun enjoys spending time with, and even though he can't really define what he is, Sehun is sure he doesn't want to lose whatever they have. It always come down to it after all, taking risks and loving the adrenaline, but Sehun doesn't. Adrenaline always tastes so bitter in his mouth, and it leaves knots in his guts that need weeks to be detangled.
“He's probably waiting for you to do the first move,” Junmyeon continues, voice softer this time.
“How can you be so sure?” Sehun retorts.
“Oh please,” Kyungsoo finally says from behind his book. “I'm pretty sure he would accept even a lame Pikachu replica at this stage.”
Sehun's eyes narrow at Kyungsoo while Jinki and Soojung both cackle, and Sehun decides that he's had enough. He grabs his bag and stands up. Junmyeon protests, but Sehun ignores him and walks away. He has dance practice all afternoon, and the last things he needs are his friends' voices playing with his thoughts and flooding his mind with scenarios Sehun is already pretty obsessed with.
Junmyeon watches him leave with a sigh. He turns towards Kyungsoo and frowns at him.
“Was that really necessary?” he asks, accusing, and Kyungsoo nods.
“Trust me, hyung, we're doing him a favor. Sehun can't take a hint.”
Sehun thinks his friends are wrong when Jongdae arrives late with an armful of papers and books and a smile wearing a hundred of apologies. Later though, Junmyeon's words come back to him when he looks up from his own homework to find Jongdae already staring back at him with a tiny smile that pulls at the right corner of his mouth more than the left. They're wrong again when Jongdae spends half an hour on the phone with Baekhyun discussing the most random topics while Sehun tries to write about the pain all over the woman's face on his photography when all he feels is the burn of jealousy. Jongdae says something about probably not going back to his room tonight because he's planning on watching several episodes of the drama with Sehun, so does that bother you if Taozi sleeps in my bed tonight?, and Sehun's friends are right again. It's an intense game of back and forth that has Sehun spinning around like a topspin, and that leaves him dizzy and confused. He would usually rush into Jongin's chat room and sends all sort of pleas and desperate stickers, and Jongin would answer with surprisingly good advice, but they haven't talked for two days now. Jongin has a really important exam today, and failing it would mean one ticket back to Seoul. Which means Sehun is still overthinking everything, even late in the night, when Jongdae plays the forth episode.
Jongdae's smaller body pressed against his and the leg he has thrown over Sehun's tell him his friends were right, but the proximity of Jongdae's lips and the absence of reaction when Sehun wraps an arm around his waist tell him they're wrong. He's going crazy, and it's almost four am, which means he should just put an end to it and try to get some sleep before he impulsively decides to do something, high on Jongdae's scent and warmth.
“Tired?” Jongdae whispers during the opening credits of the episode, and Sehun shakes his head. Jongdae smiles and nuzzles into Sehun's neck with a satisfied sigh. (They're right.)
“You?” Sehun asks, his voice coming out unsure with the sudden acceleration of his heart.
“I'm okay. I really wanted to watch that episode tonight, it's my favorite.” Jongdae's eyes remain glued to the screen. (They're wrong.) “And you're nice to cuddle with.” (They're right.)
Sehun swallows, trying to pay attention to the screen, but Jongdae's hand is sliding up his torso and it leaves a trail of fire behind. The intimacy and the proximity make him blush, but Jongdae looks totally unaware of Sehun's struggles. The warmth is spreading in Sehun's body faster than any snake's poison, numbing his limbs one after the other, and making his blood boil in his veins. When it reaches his heart, Sehun is far gone, deeply inhaling the soft scent of vanilla coming from Jongdae's hair and fingers curling against the elder's back. Jongdae's lashes are grazing the skin of his neck everytime he blinks, and Sehun feels like his whole body is shriveling until all his left is the threat of his whole being imploding. He turns friable, crumbling piece by piece, losing everything except the want, the need and the warmth, and he snaps. He doesn't care if his friends are right or wrong anymore. He just needs, just wants, and Jongdae is all that matters.
Sehun's hand follows Jongdae's spine up to his neck, and he only stops when a faint shiver echoes to his touch. He needs to do something now, before Jongdae wrecks him beyond repair and all his left of him is a burning supernova.
“Hyung...”
When Sehun looks down, Jongdae is already looking up, dark eyes in a darker night, and messy bangs falling over his eyebrows. Sehun doesn't pay attention to the moles for once, nor does he marvel at the smoothness of Jongdae's skin, because all he can think about is the space between his lips and Jongdae's, set ablaze by Jongdae's breath.
“I--”
In the silence of the room, the loud ringing of Sehun's phone is too sharp and violent. They both startle at the sound, and Jongdae presses the space key. He looks at Sehun expectantly, and Sehun curses internally as he grabs his phone. His heart is still beating erratically in his chest, but Jongdae already disentangled himself and even though he may still be looking at Sehun with dark eyes, it's not made of the same darkness anymore. Sehun sighs as he checks his phone, although grateful because meeting Jongdae's eyes is not a good idea right now, not with the way he can feel his face heating up.
“It's Jongin,” he says, frowning.
still up? pls tell me u are i need u
“Fuck,” Sehun mumbles.
He throws his phone on the blankets and brings his laptop on his thighs. His blood is now dragging ice through his whole body, and it's not fair how quickly it can go from lava to avalanche, either way drowning Sehun in the most intense feelings. Jongin rarely asks for help, but when he does, it's because the apocalypse happened and left him bruised and dying. Sehun is on the other side of the world, he's more powerless than ever, and the thought is terrifying.
“Sehunnie...? What's wrong?” Jongdae asks with a worried voice as he glances at Sehun's fingers typing.
Sehun doesn't answer, because he has no fucking idea and he doesn't want to say it out loud. Jongdae watches him, brows knitted together, before glancing at the screen just when Jongin finally accepts the call. Sehun doesn't look at Jongdae, but he sees from the edge of his vision how the older male moves slightly away, just to be sure he won't be caught on camera, and he definitely feels the comforting pressure of Jongdae's fingers on his thigh. His free hand goes dip under the sheets to find Jongdae's, and he grabs it, determined to never let it go.
“Jongin, what's wrong?” Sehun asks, his voice cracking with worried.
The pixelation is as bad as usual, but Sehun can still make out the puffiness of Jongin's eyes, how red has taken over white in his eyes, and the wet trails glistening on his cheeks. Thoughts about Jongin's important exam blows up in his mind, and his heart beats so violently in his chest that Sehun thinks he hears one of his rib crack. Jongin isn't looking directly into his webcam, and Sehun knows him too well to know that it's pure embarrassment, but he also knows that Jongin usually covers his face when he cries. If it's a pain too strong and too heavy for him to even lift his arms, Sehun won't have any other choice than to book a flight. He can't let Jongin alone like that.
“I'm-- just....” Jongin takes a deep breath and sniffs. “Leave me a second.”
Sehun nods, and glances at Jongdae. His friend is watching him with worried eyes, concern spread all over his face in the most beautiful way, which is something Sehun shouldn't probably notice right now. He does though, because sincerity and honesty have never looked more beautiful than written on Jongdae's face, and it makes him feel a little bit better, a little bit stronger.
“Is is about your dance presentation?” Sehun asks, hesitant. “Did you... Did you fail?”
Jongin shakes his head. He wipes his eyes and presses the heel of his hands against his swollen eyelids.
“No, I made it. I got the best grade, and they even congratulated me, but..” His voice breaks and he lowers his head.
Sehun frowns, but just when he's about to ask, Jongdae's fingers press against the palm of his hand. He glances at him, and Jongdae flashes him a tiny smile with a slight tilt of his head.
“Let him speak,” Jongdae mouths, but looking straight at his lips might not be a good idea right now. It sends tingles along Sehun's spine, and even the guilt of being the worst best friend ever isn't enough to stop the kittenish curls of Jongdae's lips from burning themselves on Sehun's eyelids.
“It's so hard, Sehun,” Jongin sobs, one of his hands finally hiding his eyes. “It's so fucking hard and I don't know if I can do this. I had to work so hard for that exam and I felt like I was going to die. My whole body hurts so much, I can't take it anymore. They're so severe. I can't do it anymore...” Jongin's shoulders are now shaking from the cries he tries to muffle, but the poor audio quality just make them worse. “I wanna come back home...”
Sehun thinks it's the worst by far, because having Jongin as a best friend can be annoying sometimes, but it remains the best thing that has ever happened to him. Jongin orders food for him when Sehun doesn't feel like dealing with social interactions, and when he suddenly feels brave enough, Jongin feels it and he just shuts up. He never says anything about it, because he simply understands it, and Sehun has nothing to do when he's with him aside from being himself. It's the best feeling, knowing that there's someone out there who is willing to take you exactly as you are, but it's even better when that person turns out to be Kim Jongin, bright and strong Kim Jongin. The worst, though, is taking from Jongin, because Jongin gives and gives, but when it's time for Sehun to give back, he always finds himself frozen. It's not that he doesn't want, or that he wants Jongin to suffer, it's because it's Jongin, and he's just Sehun. What can he do, when Jongin has been the foundation of his whole life, and Sehun has never given him anything else than worries?
He looks up and meets Jongdae's eyes. The latter looks confused, and he's probably wondering why Sehun doesn't say a word, but he looks at him in a way that makes Sehun feel like he kind of understands. Jongdae is probably way better at comforting Baekhyun than Sehun is with Jongin, but how is he supposed to think with Jongin's muffled sobs echoing through his mind? Or when Jongdae's eyes are glued to him, waiting and questioning?
Sehun grabs Jongdae by the wrist and pulls him closer, his own thoughts going blank at what he's doing. Taken aback, Jongdae gasps as he loses his balance and lands on Sehun's chest.
Jongin looks up and frowns at the new picture on his screen. His eyes widen when he recognizes Jongdae's face, and he quickly dries his cheeks with the inside of his sleeve.
“Were you-- Did you-- Am I bothering … something?” Jongin emphasizes on the last word, and Sehun pretends he doesn't get it.
He's grateful that Jongdae is not pushing him away, because it would be the most embarrassing thing ever, and decides to wrap his arms around Jongdae's delicate waist. Jongin reads into his silence, takes the lack of answer for a confirmation, and a big grin makes his way on his face.
“Are you two finally together?!” he asks, excited.
Jongdae slightly stiffens against him, but Sehun ignores it.
“We are,” he nods.
Jongin throws a fist in the air and claps loudly, and Sehun cringes internally. Jongdae doesn't move, probably because he's nice enough not to embarrass Sehun in front of Jongin like that, but Sehun has no doubt over what will happen when the call will end. He finds it almost worth it with the way Jongin is now smiling heartily at the camera. Almost, because Jongdae's pressed against his chest and it may be the best sensation Sehun has ever felt, but it's also probably his only chance to bask in the vanilla scent and Jongdae's soothing warmth like that. His friends were probably wrong, in the end. Jongdae is just a great friend, and Sehun has the bad tendency to want what he can't have.
“I'll let you two alone then,” Jongin says. “We'll talk tomorrow, okay? Don't worry about me, really, I already feel better. It was the stress, or whatever.” He waves in a dismissive hand gesture. “See you guys!”
Before Sehun can think of anything to say, Jongin leans in and the call is ended. The brightness of the screen blinds Sehun, and he wishes it could set fire to his optical nerves, send sparkles straight into his brain and kill him right here and now. Jongdae doesn't move, hands pressed flat against Sehun's chest, and Sehun doesn't find the courage to look down and check if Jongdae looks terribly angry or just mildly confused. He waits for the punch, the insult or whatever it is that Jongdae does when he's furious, but nothing comes. His laptop goes on standby, the silence gets even more silent with every second passing by, and Sehun feels so aware of all the places Jongdae is touching him, of his legs thrown over his thigh and his hip pressing against his lower abdomen. He can't enjoy it though, because Jongdae could push him away any moment, but he can't exactly pull away first, because he's holding Jongdae in his arms. He wouldn't be there in the first place if he knew how to escape to Jongdae's strong pull.
“So.” Jongdae finally says, and his voice, although not much louder than a whisper, startles Sehun. “You kinda freaked out, am I right?”
“Oh god,” Sehun moans. He closes his eyes, the skin of his face burning more than ever. “I did, I am so sorry, hyung.”
To Sehun's surprise, Jongdae chuckles. It's a low sound, because it's really late in the night -or early in the morning- and Jongdae probably doesn't want to bother anyone in the building, but it sounds so different from his usual peals of laughter. It's deep and it vibrates in Jongdae's chest, and with only two thick layers of clothes between them, Sehun feels it rumbling in his own chest. Jongdae is not fair.
“It's okay,” Jongdae chuckles. “Though it's kind of weird that you thought telling Jongin you were getting laid would comfort him, and it's even weirder that it actually did? You're always saying Baekhyun is obsessed with my dick, but I think Jongin might be obsessed with yours, Sehunnie.”
Jongdae finally disentangles himself from him, and Sehun has to bite his cheek not to moan at the loss. Jongdae stays between his thighs though, and the warzone is back in Sehun's mind. Right, wrong, real hints, daydreams... Jongdae drowns him in the most confusing game of true and false, but he does it so easily, and Sehun actually doesn't mind searching through Jongdae's eyes for any clues. Questions without answers have always been the most stressful things, heavy to carry around for Sehun, but that was before the question turned out to be Jongdae, and the lack of answer meant he had to spend more time with him.
Jongdae breaks him out of his reverie when he pats his arm.
“I'm sorry Sehunnie, but I think your best friend is also thirsting for you dick. Be strong.”
Sehun sighs with a smile, and shakes his head.
“It's not like that,” he says. “Jongin is... Jongin spends a lot of time worrying about me being alone, but now he doesn't have to anymore. Plus, he likes you so I suspect him to be throwing a party on his own right now.” Jongdae smiles, but Sehun's own lips get back to a straight line. “I'm sorry, hyung. I should call him back and tell him the truth.”
Jongdae shrugs. “Why didn't you just tell him he'll be okay? He's a great dancer, isn't he?”
Sehun nods. “The best.”
Jongdae looks at him with insistence, and Sehun sighs. He doesn't like words, and words don't like him, but something tells him that Jongdae won't let him run away this time.
“Jongin makes everything look so easy, you know. He's a social butterfly and everyone likes him, and he acts like he's never afraid of anything. He's the total opposite of who I am, and most of the time, I just... I mean, it's easier to hide in his shadow than to stand all alone in the light.” Sehun pauses, but Jongdae doesn't get the clue that it's his turn to speak. He probably does it on purpose though, because the soft pressure of his hand on Sehun's arm is inviting and nothing like congratulating. Sehun takes a deep breath and continues. “When he gets like that, all sad and confused and unsure about what he can do, I just... it's so scary, because when you think about it, if Jongin is like that, being who he is, then what am I...? I don't know, it's dumb, but...”
Sehun stops, not knowing what to say next, or if there even are words that would apply to what he's thinking. It's a whole mess in his mind, and he gave up on trying to clean it up so long ago. The only thing he knows is that when everything gets too much, Jongin makes it bearable, and Sehun can't lose that, no matter how selfish it might sound.
Jongdae remains quiet, but his hand keeps spreading warm waves through Sehun's arm. Sehun would listen to Jongdae's slow breathing, but he suddenly can't take the silence anymore. It drives him crazy, and it makes his skin feel itchy. All that darkness around them is stifling, suffocative, because he can't see Jongdae, and Sehun hates it. He reaches to switch the bedside light on.
Jongdae is watching him with a little smile, one of those closed-lip smiles Sehun has seen before when Jongdae was looking at Zitao or Baekhyun, all soft and warm. He doesn't really understand how such a tiny smile can be brigther than Jongdae's usual flashes of canines, but it is, somehow.
“You're cute,” Jongdae finally says fondly. “You're a giant boy with of a body made for sins, but I swear you're cuter than Zitao.”
“I-- what?”
Jongdae nods. His palm slides down Sehun's arm, leaving a weird bubbly sensation on his skin as it wanders to Sehun's fingers. He spreads them, eyes still glued to Jongdae, and parts his lips as Jongdae's fingers take over the space between his. It's a magical fit, because Jongdae's fingers don't only feel great between his, they also bring with them sharp intakes of air and loud beating of his heart, but Sehun welcomes them easily, probably too easily.
“You keep comparing what's going on inside of you with what you see of other people, but we all have darker places inside, you know. You look so confident Sehun, you have that stare that keep people away because you make them feel like they're not worthy of your time, but you actually lock yourself in bathrooms to avoid people, and you feel so much more comfortable with texting rather than actual chatting.”
Jongdae pauses and puts his free hand on his own chest.
“Did you know that I cried like, four times when I left for that trip across China? We only had our backpacks, our Mandarin was terrible, and it was all so impulsive... It was scary, and I missed my family a lot. You know I want to travel so bad, but I'm also fucking terrified at the idea of leaving home.”
“Really?”
Jongdae nods with a faint smile, and Sehun reads things on his face he's never paid attention to before. Jongdae bites his lower lip when he's embarrassed, and he lowers his head, looking at Sehun from under his bangs. He doesn't quite meet Sehun's eyes, his pupils avoiding the confrontation with constant moves, and his hold on Sehun's hand tigthens. Sehun is not exactly sure why, but he thinks about space and time, about how they bow down to Jongdae when he talks about the things he likes, the things that matter, but Sehun isn't much different. He bows down like everything does, and he straightens only to watch and admire.
He never thought Jongdae was fearless after all, but it's a thing to picture him scared and worried, and another to witness the furrow of his eyebrows. Jongdae acts like he just spilled out the most embarrassing secret, but Sehun only sees how his own fears drove him in a public bathroom when Jongdae's didn't stop him from going on the plane that day. It's a whole new game of true and false, but the rules have changed now, and the only thing that could be wrong is letting Jongdae believe that his little speech make a difference.
Sehun leans in and presses a soft kiss directly on Jongdae's lips. The latter stops pouting immediately, but he doesn't pull away, nor does he open his eyes to look at Sehun with question marks in them. He wraps his arms around Sehun's neck and he pulls him down until their lips touch again. It's a little bit clumsy at first, because Sehun is already partying his lips to welcome Jongdae's tongue inside, but Jongdae doesn't let go of his upper lip. He's driving him crazy, with his delicate licking and soft touches, but it's a nice kind of craziness. The kind that explodes in Sehun's mind in burning white, and that sends shivers down his spine.
He grabs Jongdae by the waist and sits him on his lap, and just like their fingers earlier, they fit in the most perfect way. Jongade keeps moving, pressing his chest against Sehun before pulling away to let enough space for his hands to wander on Sehun's body, but Sehun doesn't mind. He's always thought Jongdae was hard to grasp, hard to catch anyway. Plus, his own body follows the waves and bends according to Jongdae's movements so easily that it makes him feel like this is where he belongs. And maybe it is.
Jongdae kisses with his two hands buried deep in Sehun's hair, gripping at the hair on the back of his head. He takes his time mapping Sehun's mouth though, and the soft butterfly kisses he leaves on the corner of Sehun's lips don't feel as urging as the pressure of his palm against Sehun's neck. Sehun loses himself along Jongdae's neckline, loses himself in the sensations, in Jongdae's soft whines, he loses himself in his hair and in Jongdae's small chuckles as Sehun showers his temples with kisses. He even loses the mere hope of being found again somewhere between Jongdae's parted lips and the sharpness of his collarbone when he leaves a trail of kisses that end on Jongdae's mole.
Jongdae presses their foreheads together, his hands still buried in Sehun's hair. They're both panting, both all over each other, and Sehun feels dizzy, unsure of where his body stops and Jongdae's begins, but he doesn't mind redrawing the lines. Jongdae is looking at him straight in the eyes with his lips swollen by kisses, the galaxy of moles under his eyebrow and the dark lava in his pupils. He looks stunning like that, so small that Sehun could hide him from the world, disheveled by their embrace, and warm and pliant under Sehun's palms.
“Jongdae,” Sehun moans softly.
The pictures flashing through his mind have long getting rid of hyungs and other marks of respect, and Sehun doesn't fail to notice the shiver that run along Jongdae's curves when he says his name. He leans in and softly nips Jongdae's jawline.
“Jongdae,” he says again between two kisses.
“Oh god, you're so hot,” Jongdae whines, fingers scrapping Sehun's back.
Sehun chuckles against Jongdae's neck and presses another kiss on his collarbone mole before straightening to meet Jongdae's eyes.
“Thank you,” he says, and Jongdae furiously shakes his head.
“It wasn't a compliment,” Jongdae retorts. “It's half past four and I'm exhausted. Your hotness will kill me.”
He moves closer to Sehun and slips his arms under his shirt, directly against Sehun's ribs. He palms them and buries his face against Sehun's neck.
“Cuddle with me,” he asks, and even though his voice is muffled against his own skin, Sehun still can hear the pout in the intonations Jongdae uses.
His heart is still beating erratically in his chest, and there are waves of heat regularly hitting his body, but Sehun doesn't complain. Holding Jongdae tight isn't bad after all. It comes with hot breath tickling the skin of his neck, and with everything Sehun likes, from the vanilla scent to the way Jongdae's body annihilates every inches of space between them. He holds him tight, pressed against his chest and lets his fingers run on Jongdae's neck, but they never venture in the messy strands of brown hair. Sehun likes to think about all the sensations hidden all over Jongdae's body, and how he could snatch them all right here and now, but he likes thinking about taking his time even more.
“Plus,” Jongdae sleepily whispers in the crook of Sehun's neck. “You didn't even buy me a Pikachu toy.”
Sehun can't help but burst into laughter as he hugs Jongdae closer.
“Do you see him?” Sehun asks, excited.
When no one answers, he looks down with a frown only to find Jondgae starring at him with a raised eyebrow.
“You're like twice my height. If you don't see anything, do you really think I can?”
Sehun snorts, but shrugs it off instead of replying. He knows Jongdae well enough to not start a war of snarky comments with him, because Jongdae turns into that sarcastic monster everytime and Sehun doesn't feel like dealing with all that sass right now. (In truth, it's because Jongdae always wins and Sehun hates losing.) He ignores his boyfriend -internal giggling- and goes back to eye scanning the crowd of travelers in a hurry spreading right before them.
He's about to groan at Kyungsoo, who isn't really helping either, when he spots a familiar face amongst the unknown ones.
“He's here!” he exclaims, and before anyone can say anything, he raises his hand and starts waving. “Jongin! Jongin, we're here!”
His best friend stops in his tracks and frown at the people around him, confused. His eyes finally settle on Sehun's and he grins. He almost runs to them, and just as Sehun gives up on the cool attitude, too happy to finally see his best friend face to face, and spreads his arms open for the most embarrassing best friend embrace ever, Jongin pulls out a huge stuffed Pikachu from his bag. Sehun's arms fall against his sides.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Kim Jongin,” he snaps. “You really don't know when a joke's over, don't you?”
Jongin has the nerve to beam at him. “Relax, it's not for you.”
And just like that, he hands the plushie to Kyungsoo whose cheeks instantly go red. Jongdae coughs loudly, poor attempt to hide his laugh, and Sehun pulls him closer until Jongdae takes the hint and buries his face against Sehun's back, his arms locked around his waist. Last time Jongdae laughed at Kyungsoo ended badly, and Jongdae still has the scar left by the fork on his thigh. (Sehun kinda likes it, tiny red dots on milky skin, but still.)
“You are so going to die, Billy Elliot,” Sehun smiles at Jongin. Jongdae coughs a maybe not Kyungsoo isn't armed against his back, and despite the layers of clothes, Sehun feels the vibrations against his bones. His smile grows wider.
“Well, it worked for you two, so I figured...” Jongin shrugs as he throws a hesitant look at Kyungsoo, who's still frozen in his spot, red patches of skin standing out against the natural whiteness of his complexion.
Sehun curses at his best friend's stupidity, and Jongdae claims that it will never work because they're obviously not as awesome as Sehun and he are.
(It works.)
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hi hello this is dumb
but even dumber is the sequel i wrote
happy birthday sehun don't thank me