Cloverfield 2
First off, lemme spoil part 1 for you..
Guy: DUDE!
Guy2: What happened?
Guy: I just did speed, Benadryl, crack, meth and drank about 117 redbulls. Now, I'm gonna stand here and shake so violently I disrupt the fabric of space and time while filming a buncha random sh1t with a video camera.
Guy: Oh, okay then. LOOK A MONSTER!
Guy2: WHERE! I don't see it, so I'll toss the camera around frantically like I'm being attacked by dyslexic bats with no wings and sickle cell while having a grand mal seizure.
Guy: Sounds good. Oh wait, look, the monster is spawning off little monsters!
Guy2: Oh hell! I don't want to focus on that, so I'll run down into this dark a$$ pit where it's roughly as dark as Courtney Love's anus during a solar eclipse underneath the earth's crust during a rolling blackout.
Guy: Oh no, the monster is here!!!
Guy2: I still don't want to focus on it, so instead, I'll run around in a circle and play with myself while showing clips of you on ferris wheel with some ho that has a forehead that shines in the moonlight and is often mistaken for a helipad.
The End
(Yeah, the movie's only like 15 minutes long).
So, I've decided to one-up director J.J. Abrahams by submitting my outline for Cloverfield 2, which Abrahams has already admitted they're going to do sometime in the near future (read: Summer 08).
Listen - (I SO stole that intro)
There's a dude and he's moseying along in Zimbabwe walking his pet Cougar, Timmy. This dude's out foraging for berries for his village so they can eat and not have to sacrifice the cougar to the Mountain (or eat it). But ol' dude looks to his left and notices an old video camera from like, fvckin' 1905. It only takes video in black (not even black and white, as 'white' wasn't invented until 1906) which he uses to film his cougar whilst said cougar licks itself (because it can).
Right at that moment, the dude is chased by a rabid dolphin! The dolphin has fury and hate in his eye (it's a cyclopedic dolphin..for the definition of 'cyclopedic' see previous LJ post) and rage in his heart. The Zimbabwean runs like the wind, and scampers up a tree, camera rolling, where he's confronted by Abe Vigoda wearing a rather cartoonish and oversized Cowboy hat.
"You have not yet reached the point of understanding, young one," says Vigoda
"Um, I like, don't speak english and stuff." Says the Zimbabwean before falling out of the tree and landing in a parallel dimension where gravity is no more than a faint recommendation than a law.
While in this zone, the Xth zone, the Zimbabwean takes roughly 7 hours of real-time footage of his cougar trying its best to learn Swahili from a country line-dancing James Brown Impersonator with a severe lisp.
...
Doesn't make any sense?
Well it'll have better camera work than Cloverfield, you'll see more action and quite frankly it'll be an all around better movie 'cause you won't waste 10 fvckin' dollars to watch some dude film his feet for 2 hours.
Guy: DUDE!
Guy2: What happened?
Guy: I just did speed, Benadryl, crack, meth and drank about 117 redbulls. Now, I'm gonna stand here and shake so violently I disrupt the fabric of space and time while filming a buncha random sh1t with a video camera.
Guy: Oh, okay then. LOOK A MONSTER!
Guy2: WHERE! I don't see it, so I'll toss the camera around frantically like I'm being attacked by dyslexic bats with no wings and sickle cell while having a grand mal seizure.
Guy: Sounds good. Oh wait, look, the monster is spawning off little monsters!
Guy2: Oh hell! I don't want to focus on that, so I'll run down into this dark a$$ pit where it's roughly as dark as Courtney Love's anus during a solar eclipse underneath the earth's crust during a rolling blackout.
Guy: Oh no, the monster is here!!!
Guy2: I still don't want to focus on it, so instead, I'll run around in a circle and play with myself while showing clips of you on ferris wheel with some ho that has a forehead that shines in the moonlight and is often mistaken for a helipad.
The End
(Yeah, the movie's only like 15 minutes long).
So, I've decided to one-up director J.J. Abrahams by submitting my outline for Cloverfield 2, which Abrahams has already admitted they're going to do sometime in the near future (read: Summer 08).
Listen - (I SO stole that intro)
There's a dude and he's moseying along in Zimbabwe walking his pet Cougar, Timmy. This dude's out foraging for berries for his village so they can eat and not have to sacrifice the cougar to the Mountain (or eat it). But ol' dude looks to his left and notices an old video camera from like, fvckin' 1905. It only takes video in black (not even black and white, as 'white' wasn't invented until 1906) which he uses to film his cougar whilst said cougar licks itself (because it can).
Right at that moment, the dude is chased by a rabid dolphin! The dolphin has fury and hate in his eye (it's a cyclopedic dolphin..for the definition of 'cyclopedic' see previous LJ post) and rage in his heart. The Zimbabwean runs like the wind, and scampers up a tree, camera rolling, where he's confronted by Abe Vigoda wearing a rather cartoonish and oversized Cowboy hat.
"You have not yet reached the point of understanding, young one," says Vigoda
"Um, I like, don't speak english and stuff." Says the Zimbabwean before falling out of the tree and landing in a parallel dimension where gravity is no more than a faint recommendation than a law.
While in this zone, the Xth zone, the Zimbabwean takes roughly 7 hours of real-time footage of his cougar trying its best to learn Swahili from a country line-dancing James Brown Impersonator with a severe lisp.
...
Doesn't make any sense?
Well it'll have better camera work than Cloverfield, you'll see more action and quite frankly it'll be an all around better movie 'cause you won't waste 10 fvckin' dollars to watch some dude film his feet for 2 hours.