reality (or the persistent illusion)

[aoza]

“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
― Albert Einstein


Soojung introduces Sehun to her family for the first time on a cold autumn evening when the sky is already orange and the wind is rustling leaves in the distance. It doesn't work out the way she had imagined it, partially because Sehun shows up in his restaurant uniform but mostly because he doesn't stay long enough for her to tell him she likes him.

It's not like she's known him for very long anyways, but the tiny waves passing each other by in the halls at school and the long lunch hours of teasing and laughing were always enough for her. She had always pictured it to be night time when she asked him out on a real date, the scene would be set in rolling hills of colourful leaves and he'd smile and tell her that he kinda, maybe, might like her too.

She scowls when her parents tell her that night that Sehun seems like a nice friend because she realizes that that's all they are right now. Friends. Just friends. And it hurts even more the next day when she asks him why he couldn't have dressed better and he shrugs her off as if it didn't really mean much to him.

"You know first impressions are like really important, right?" she glares and he runs a hand through his auburn hair and purses his lips in thought.

"It's not like it was some serious meet-the-parents," he says after a moment. "It was casual friend meeting family. It's not like we're dating that I have to afraid of making a good impression." He laughs and doesn't notice the way she frowns the rest of the day.

The worst part is that he doesn't change, long after they've graduated and awkwardly danced together at prom and months after they've kissed in some light romantic inebriated state. And it's strange how she kind of doesn't know what to say, what to do, who to be around him for a while until he looks her straight in the eye and tells her they should go get some ice-cream together sometime.

He holds her hand that day for the first time. They're college students and she feels like everything in the world is right. That night she pieces the rest of her life together, going on movie dates, going on vacation together, spending the rest of her life with him and it makes her heart swell to just think about his weird laugh.

Soojung has a pretty good imagination, unnaturally vivid and obtuse, and she thinks, as she slips into a soft slumber, that it isn't practically possible for her to not be happy if she has Sehun.

In her mind Sehun is her ideal. And that's all that matters.

"You have got to be kidding me," she whines as she opens the steps out of her house and spots Sehun's car parked too far up the sidewalk to be legal. It's spring and he tells her they should celebrate finishing exams and she agrees to a date at the bowling alley because it's been a while since they've spent some time alone together.

"Come on," Sehun calls from the driver's seat and she wonders if he's thick in the head or he's just trying to get under her skin because she can literally feel the steam coming off her as she slides into the back, next to Zitao (that kid she doesn't really like). From the passenger's seat, she sees Jongin (that other kid she really doesn't like) turn around and give her a happy hello and she glowers at him because this wasn't even the first time he invited his friends on one of their dates.

"Why are they here?" she manages to ask (for the umpteenth time) and Sehun chuckles and makes some excuse he knows she doesn't really care for anyways. The point about Soojung asking why they aren't alone is never to hear what Sehun has to say, it's always just to point out that they are not, in fact, on a date and that, once again, he's failed her.

"We came to bowl with you guys!" Zitao explains and she glances out the window when he lets her know that she'll be on his team since Jongin wants to be with Sehun. She sighs and she hopes Sehun hears it and she guesses he does because after he locks the car, he catches up to her and softly apologizes, tells her he promises he'll make it up to her, but then never does.

And she supposes that that is what bothers her the most about this relationship. Sehun knows when she's unhappy and yet never really does anything to remedy the situation because he knows she'll be fine the next morning, she'll still be his girlfriend, she'll still help him clean his dorm room now and then, she'll still invite him over for dinner, she'll still lend him change when he's binging on the newest drink at the café near his place.

She wonders if he loves her sometimes, but then he kisses her and she consoles herself that he must because she loves him so much and it can't not be mutual, right? Her sister, Sooyeon, tells her she's lying to herself, that Sehun is a nice guy and all, but not really ready for the kind of relationship Soojung is looking for.

Sooyeon points out how he makes Soojung moody often enough and after months, years of defending her boyfriend against her sister's subjective arguments, Soojung kind of just gives up and takes it all in and that night, after a really awful time at the bowling alley, she comes home and Sooyeon gives her this "I told you so" look that bothers her so much.

"Fuck off," Soojung flips her off and collapses onto the couch in a heap of frustration. "Can you believe he fucking invited his dumbass friends? Like don't hype me up for a date when it's not a date. Or at least let me know who else is coming so that I can drop out, ugh."

"Didn't you tell him that last time though?"

"And the time before that, and the time before that, so on, so on." Soojung runs a hand through her hair and huffs. "He knows how much I just want a few minutes alone with him, but he still has to ruin it."

"Dates are probably not his thing," Sooyeon mumbles as she settles down next to her sister on the sofa. "I honestly think Sehun is just bad at the whole girlfriend-boyfriend thing."

"But," Soojung grimaces, "he always felt so perfect."

"No one is perfect."

"It was gonna be everything I dreamt of. It was supposed to be everything-" Her cell phone buzzes and she recognizes his name flashing on the screen and Sooyeon rolls her eyes because she knows Soojung is going to answer it even though she's angry with him.

And it always turns out like this. He calls, tells her all sorts of pleasantries and she falls in love all over again and she wakes up the next morning with a blush on her cheeks and a smile curling across her lips as she skips off to class. And as usual, Sehun is waiting for her near the gates of the college, hand extended to take hers and his grip is so strong, she feels she could forget the wrongs and just look at all the potential for tomorrow.

She meets Sehun in high school when she's having a hard time in science and her teacher recommends some kid from the other class to tutor her. He's wearing an old tshirt and ripped jeans when he teaches her the fundamentals of chemistry and he's wearing another old tshirt and washed out shorts when he tries to explain some random physics concepts to her.

He wears glasses and his hair is always unkempt and she always has this urge to straighten it up and one day when her final exams are approaching does she tell him he should buy a comb or something and he looks at her, not as the girl he tutors but as Jung Soojung for the first time and cracks a smile.

The next time she sees him, his hair is still a big fat mess and she wonders how he can be so mentally organized and smart if the rest of his life is kind of scrambled up. She asks him one day but he just shrugs and tells her to focus on studying.

It's the same thing he still tells her when they find time to study together at the library and she doesn't really want to look at notes when she's getting this alone time with him. It's only when a few people have shushed her that Sehun grins and tells her they have all the time in the world to catch up and talk about random things.

Except they never do. And it sucks because he never really works hard to study or get good grades but she does have to spend time on homework and assignments and usually when he's free, she's not. She refuses his invites often enough and then laments the rest of the night, wondering whether she just passed up a good opportunity.

And luck has it then when she is free, he somehow has some previous engagement and can never make it and she ends up spending her time sitting on a park bench and drawing in her sketchpad, until her fingers are dirty and sore.

She stares up at the sky some nights and wonders if the imaginary can ever be real, if her dreams can ever be some sort of reality. Not that she cares that much, but in the end Soojung is still a methodical person, someone who has her life mapped out already. She doesn't like taking the long, scenic routes, she likes getting to the destination. She doesn't like surprises, she likes routine, she doesn't like out of the ordinary, she likes normal, she doesn't like impromptu, she likes planned. And in the end, she can close her eyes some days and see every moment of her life (past, present and future) flicker by slowly against the darkness of her eyelids.

But she realizes, as she continues to draw softly on the rough sheets of paper, that things aren't really how she had pictured them. She doesn't blame herself and she doesn't want to blame anyone else either but the truth is that she knows the more people she introduces into the grand scheme of her world, the more complicated her ideals will get and the more reality will stray from her dreams.

She sighs as she reaches the last page of her sketchbook and slowly gets up and starts walking home. She tells herself (over and over and over...) that every day is but a minimal speck against the greater backdrop of her life and that she still has forever to make things work.

She usually gets her sister to buy her the drawing pads she likes because she's picky enough that she knows Sehun will just pick up the cheapest thing despite her instructions, and yet she's particular enough to want it from that one store downtown... that one store where Jongin works shifts. She glowers as she passes by the corner store and reaches for the door slowly, peering through the window and seeing him perched near the cash, watching the lottery numbers roll across a tiny television on the counter.

She thinks it can't be that bad, after all Jongin isn't Zitao, and she dislikes the latter a bit more than the former, mostly because she runs into him more often at Sehun's boss's restaurant than she runs into Jongin. But still... Soojung knows she can turn around, avoid the hassle of having to make small-talk and just ask Sooyeon to drop by whenever she has time.

But there are images floating around her mind recently that she wants to take down and she doesn't have the patience to wait anymore. So she slowly pushes the door open and curses under her breath just as quickly when she sees Jongin smile and wave at her.

"What's up?" he asks, and she whispers a quiet 'nothing' before shuffling off to the back of the art store where all the drawing stuff was kept. She's scanning the shelves when she feels him breathing next to her and she wonders if he'd take offence if she kindly told him to fuck off. "It's these ones right?" he asks, leaning forward and reaching for the ones he knows she wants.

"Yeah," she mumbles, glancing only momentarily at the binding around the papers before thanking him and moving to look some new colouring pencils. "I'll call you if I need help," she says, in case her guarded demeanour isn't a hint enough that she doesn't want to be bothered.

"S'okay, I got nothing better to do," he answers, following behind her cautiously. "You draw manga, right?"

She gazes up at him curiously. "Sehun told you that?"

"Nope, your sister when she came by a while back," Jongin grins. "She said you don't let her look at the stuff you draw, but she says you're really good at art, so-"

"I'm not," she interrupts him. "Sooyeon is biased."

"Sehun says the same thing though," Jongin adds. "I'm guessing he's biased too?"

"Yup," she blinks, trying her best not to glare at him for watching her every move.

"Is this the first time you've dropped by?" he asks and she wonders if he's trying really hard to not let the silence reign supreme or if he's actually interested in talking to her for once.

"I used to come by often enough a year or so ago," she huffs and she doesn't fail to notice the way his eyebrows crease as if he's counting back his time working at the place.

"Huh," he nods. And she knows he was probably going to tell her to come by more often before and as she continues to walk around the store and scrutinize things, she realizes that Jongin doesn't really linger that much after all, and she argues with herself over whether or not she hurt his feelings or he has better things to do then watch her shop.

"Jongin?' she calls out after a few minutes and the name is so foreign against her lips that she cringes. He looks up from his spot at the counter and comes by to help her pick up some stuff from the top shelves. "Thanks," she whispers and he beams a little, asking if he should bring her a basket to carry her things before taking them from her arms anyways.

"We have some new pencils, in case you're interested," he points out before going off on a long tangent about a time when Sehun stabbed himself with a mechanical pencil accidentally and the blood came out black. She pretends to be intrigued by his story even though she's kind of bothered that she's never heard it before, and he's still laughing as he leads her to the cash register. "You know," he murmurs as he puts the sketchpads in a bag, "I get employee discounts on this stuff, I can buy the stuff for you next time and-"

"That's okay," Soojung replies. She kind of wonders why Jongin doesn't get the fact that she doesn't want to be his friend, why he doesn't get that she still hasn't forgiven him for the time at the bowling alley recently, why he doesn't get that she doesn't really want to get to know him any more than his name and his occupation.

He pauses for a moment and cocks his head to the side. "Okay," he sighs, handing her a receipt. "It's um... final sale... yeah..."

"Thanks," she picks up her stuff and quickly turns to leave.

"Hey, Soojung?" Jongin calls just as her hand is pushing the glass door.

"What."

He looks like he's about to say something, but his smile falters a little instead and he shakes his head. "Nothing... just that I think you should drop by the shop more often from now on."

"Mhm..."

"Take care... Bye."

(The worst part about this memory isn't how awkward it was or how annoyed she felt at the time. What bothers her the most about meeting Jongin that day is that he moves a week later and she asks herself for weeks afterwards if he was trying to tell her back then that they probably would never see each other again and she feels a little distressed for not giving him the chance to properly say goodbye.

For a second his words ring loud and clear and her breath catches when she realizes he actually understood that she didn't visit the store because he worked there. He actually said she'd be able to come by more often because he knew he wouldn't be there.

And if pain is something quantitative, Soojung thinks there is nothing that can measure the way she feels when she realizes she had been pushing him out for so long when all along he had just wanted to be able to talk and call her his friend.)

She starts drawing in grade school, back when she doesn't really have many friends and her mom gets her a diary as a sorry excuse for a hobby. She ends up sketching things all over it and soon she finds herself etching images everywhere: on the steamy mirrors in the washroom after a long shower, in the sand at the beach, on her notebooks at school.

She goes from drawing fruits and vegetables with faces to drawing characters with names and distinct features and lives that embody a perfect existence. Sehun tells her it's a waste of time, and she ignores him because this is one of the only things that she loves to do, it's her only release, her only time to be free and so when he bugs her and tells her she spends more time drawing fake people rather than paying attention to him he tells him that the day he throws out his video game console, she'll throw out her sketchpads.

He obviously can't let go of his video games so she wins. Except she really doesn't. Because the sudden obsession with drawing takes away from her studying and running and she starts failing science and losing races even worse than she did before. And if there was one thing her parents really wouldn't tolerate, it was bad marks and bad results in track.

Soojung isn't sure if she ever really loves track. It was just something she had gotten into as a young kid because her gym instructor thought she had potential when she really didn't. And after somehow making the team, she had just stuck around, losing and losing and losing some more until she really didn't give a shit anymore.

In the end track was stressful, her coach was stressful, and drawing was not. Failing was stressful but meeting Sehun through tutoring was not and so drawing was a good memory of the past, no such trigger of tough times or dark emotions. So she continues to draw, she continues to lose races but she gets a bit better in school and her parents don't bother her as much anymore now that she's in college and an independent.

It's only when Sehun asks her one day what she actually draws that she starts to ponder what she's been doing for so long. She sifts through her sketchpads and realizes that there's no cohesion in anything; it's just a mess of pictures and frustrations all scattered across pages with no meaning. It dawns on her that everything she's created on paper has just been a medley of feelings and emotions that she's spewed out in the form of pictures that have no sense or consistency.

And it's from that day onwards that she puts an end to the clusterfuck of drawings and she starts drawing her first manga.

(It turns out to be her last manga too.)

Sehun tells jokes sometimes that make no sense to her and it's one of her biggest pet peeves because in the end he has to explain himself and it ruins everything. What bothers her even more is that everyone else around her seem to understand his jokes and she's jealous because everyone else can laugh with him and have inside jokes with him except her.

It's not the only thing about Sehun that slowly starts to get on her nerves. They play games sometimes and he always lets her win with a grin that screams gentleman, and yet it frustrates her to no end because she doesn't want him to give him. She actually wants decent competition. She wants to win fair and square.

Slowly the seasons start to change, but his habits don't. Dates don't get better and even though Jongin is gone, Zitao is still a third-wheel in their relationship, super clingy and extremely annoying. She wonders some days if she is more into this relationship than he is, she wonders why she even got together with him in the first place, but then he laughs and she sees a sparkle in his eyes and she decides she's willing to overlook his faults... for now.

Soojung tells herself it's not like he always fucks things up when he asks her out. But then she thinks about it and has a hard time remembering the last time one of their dates did go well. And it's kind of sad but she starts to see the cracks in their bond, and she starts to doubt everything.

Her heart starts to break the day she sees him with another girl. It's the weekend and she wants to see a movie and he tells her he's kinda busy so she grabs her coat and reaches for her keys and heads off to the park to draw. She's looking for a bench to sit at when she spots him in the distance and she's about to wave him over until she sees a girl walking next to him, chatting with him amicably.

It boils her blood but more than that, it hits her like a sharp spear and before the jumping to conclusions happens, she's turning around, taking deep breaths and running away. Her legs are shaking and by the time she gets back to her car, she realizes she wants to burst out in tears and cry her heart out. It doesn't hurt that he's hanging out with a girl that's not her, it hurts that he chooses another girl over her, he chooses to be "busy" walking around the park with some other person instead of going out with her.

The wonders for a moment why he couldn't have just told her straight-up he wanted to hang out with friends. She wonders why she cares and even hours later, she's thinking the same.

She has no answers, and it doesn't help the next morning when she crosses him on her way to the gym to train. He smiles and hugs her and she pulls back because she's not here for his shit anymore. She stares at him directly and he asks her what's wrong.

"Do you love me?" she whimpers, trying her best not to cry.

"What?" he chuckles. "Why so suddenly-"

"Because I know you don't," she says, voice cracking. "And even if you think you do, I know that this isn't going to work out... this is just one-sided, I'm working so hard to keep things together and you're not, and you keep fucking up like every single date and you when I ask you to go out with me you choose to fucking hang out with some other bitch? How dare you, asshole?"

"Woah, woah! I'm so confused, why-"

"Ugh! That's the thing!" she yells. "You don't get anything! I feel like there's so much more you can be for everyone else, but you can't be that hero for me... You can hang out with everyone else, make time for everyone else, but you can't do that for me..."

"Soojung, you're over-reacting. If you're mad about yesterday, then-"

"I'm not mad! I'm hurt! Can't you understand that I've spent so much time giving you chances, hoping you'll do better, but you don't!"

"What the hell are you saying, I-"

"I don't care-"

"Can you let me finish a fucking sentence?" he interrupts and his voice is loud and stern and his eyes are emotionless and blank. She doesn't see her Sehun anymore, no bubbly laughter or strange jokes. She sees the same impartial boy she met on her first day of tutoring, the boy who didn't really care to be her friend, she sees him now, and she realizes this is the first time he's ever raised his voice at her.

"Sehun," she whispers, taking a few steps back. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm going, I-"

She hears him call her name, reach for her fingers as she walks off, but it's just a distant feeling now. Everything hurts and she doesn't think it will get better.

Her mom lets him in later that night and he knocks at her door for hours before she opens up and tells him she's not ready to talk right now.

"Soojung, listen," he murmurs, leaning in and closing the door behind him.

"I'm just really not in the mood, okay?" She wants to tell him that maybe she'll feel more forgiving tomorrow or next week but she knows it would be a lie.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, hands tracing her waist before pulling her close. "I didn't mean to shout, I just... I'm really sorry. I know that must have bothered you a lot, to see me with someone else, a girl to boot... I know I said I was busy, and I know I've sucked and messed up so much stuff and ugh sorry for shouting again, I'm really sorry, but..."

"Sehun, it's okay-"

"It's not," he breathes, pressing his forehead against hers and closing his eyes. "I love you. I wish I remembered to say it every morning and every night so that you'd never have any fears or doubts. I love you so much, and as much as it hurts you to see how horribly this relationship is progressing, trust me, it hurts me even more to know that you're not happy."

"It's okay." She doesn't know what else to reply at this point.

"I'm so sorry," he says, brushing his lips against hers in soft caresses until his hands are tightly knotted in her hair and the taste of her lipgloss is the predominant flavour on his mouth. He smiles a little and lets go, whispers another I love you before telling her he needs to go home and that he'll make it up to her soon.

She watches him go from the window in the living room and she asks herself if she's willing to start tomorrow the same way.

"He sure knows how to pull you right back in," Sooyeon comments from the couch. "He knows just the right buttons to press, that sneaky boy."

Soojung grins softly and shakes her head. "I guess he does," she murmurs. "But more than that, I think I love him too much to let go. He's always been so ideal."

Sooyeon is silent for a moment and Soojung wonders if her words hold any truth anymore. Back in the day, Sehun was in fact perfect for her in every way. He was funny and handsome and soft and kind and yet now that she thinks about it, she realizes he has his faults, a list that gets heavier day by day.

"But Soojung," Sooyeon begins, glancing thoughtfully outside as Sehun turns to wave at them in the darkness of the night. "He may be an ideal guy... but is he your ideal guy?"

Soojung realizes she never thought about that.

Her phone is pressed to her left ear, and when the call connects to the voicemail, Soojung doesn't bother to stop herself from muttering profanities out loud. The other girls who are with her in the changing room dart their eyes at her, but she really can't care less about them now. At times like this, she really wonders why she is still going out with Sehun. Though she’s far from perfect herself, she knows she does deserve better treatment than what she receives from him.

It would be an understatement to say that Soojung is mad. She's beyond pissed. This is not the first time, or even second, that Sehun forgets his promise, despite having reminded him so many times beforehand. In fact, she doesn’t remember the last time when he actually arrives on time for their dates. She hates to nag, but every now and then she can’t help but explode, and whenever that happens it would always lead to a fight.

Today, for example, he clearly made a promise to her yesterday that he would drive her to the race since her car has been acting out as of late, only to bail on her less than half an hour before he’s supposed to pick her up (sth rly impt came up. ill make it up next tym? is what he texted her, and he never replied back when she asked what could be more important than her). As a result she didn’t just have to struggle with her car, but she also almost arrived late after missing the entrance.

The door then creaks open without a single knock and one of her teammates peeks in to find her. “For God's sake, Jung, can’t you at least be a little quicker off track? Our turn is after this.”

“Coming.” Soojung rolls her eyes, already used to the cold treatment she receives from the people who are supposed to be her most supportive friends (she doesn't really think them as those) for being the “useless” one in their team because she's the only girl who never won a race even once.

She hits the redial button and waits. The same woman ends up responding her, so after the beep sound, she sighs and hopes it reaches his guilty conscience somehow.

The result is more or less expected out of her.

Soojung can see her coach scowling at her even from afar, though she’d like to think she did good enough not to be in the last place. She ignores both her coach and the celebratory atmosphere around her, turns at the audience’s seats and tries to spot a certain brown haired boy. It’s a rather impossible attempt but still she hopes though she knows he's not there.

And he’s not.

“God!” Soojung cries when her call is once again connected to the voice mail.

She is sitting in her car now, alone and exhausted because her damn car just won’t start. It’s getting dark outside. She takes her trusted sketch pad out of her bag and starts fanning herself, contemplating whether she should just call a mechanic or take a bus home. Then again she’s in an area she’s not very familiar with so she doesn’t have enough courage (and energy) to take that risk.

This is when having a boyfriend is supposed to be helpful, she groans to herself as she stares at the series of messages she’s sent to Sehun in the past couple of hours. He replied none of them.

Soojung flips open the sketch pad all the way to the last page she’s drawn in and sighs before fishing out a pencil from the same bag. On the fresh new page, she continues drawing where she left off, the perfect life she wishes she can call her own. It comforts her whenever she draws because it allows her to set her imagination free and unrestrained. In the world she has created, she is far more perfect than she is in reality, and so is the man by her side.

Without realizing it, her vision begins to blur as her eyes pool up. She has never wanted to be the girl in her sketch pad so bad before. For the first time Soojung wishes so bad that she can reset her life and live a better one as a better girl with a better boyfriend who actually cares.

Not wanting to drag herself into anymore mess than she already is now, she tosses the sketch pad aside and once again attempts to start the car. With a deep breath she turns the key carefully, and still the engine refuses to cooperate. Frustrated, she grabs her bag, leaves the car and makes her way to the main street.

Soojung focuses on her phone while she walks, trying to figure out whether she should go home by taking the subway or bus. She knows hailing a taxi would be the easiest way but the place is too far from her dorm and she figures she could use the money elsewhere.

Right then, she feels her bag being snatched away, causing her to trip and fall down. In her moment of confusion she sees a man on the run carrying her bag, and that's when she realizes the situation. She quickly gets up and begins sprinting, at the same time yelling out to the man.

The truth is, Soojung can't care less about her stuff. Her bag only contains her track outfits and other unimportant things like old receipts and spare changes. There is not much money in her purse anyway. Even if it's bothersome she figures she can just apply for a new ID as well as her student card and driving license, and call the banks to cancel her ATM cards. Besides, her phone and the sketch pad are in her hands.

What made her start pursuing the thief, however, is when she remembered that in her bag, there is the CD which Sehun specifically prepared for her after she complained about him never giving her special treats like taking her out to fancy restaurants. “Don’t say I never gave you anything,” he had mumbled as he dropped the CD on table while she was having her lunch, a week after her birthday. The gift was far from expensive, but listening to the songs she doesn’t actually like but knows he enjoys, it did make her tear up.

Perhaps she has been running too much today since she can feel her legs beginning to give out not too long after. Soojung, as she continues to chase down the guy, wonders if this day could be any worse.

And it is possible. She realizes that too late, because the sedan that is speeding towards her is already too close and the only thing that she can do is to whisper a prayer.

- - - part 2