(no subject)

[theangelsdied]

i just feel so alone. nothing i do makes me feel good. i'm just not "me." i get up and go to work. i can't wait to get home. as soon as i get home, i can't wait until it's time to go to bed. rinse and repeat. that's been my life for about the last three weeks. very few up points. took in a few motion pictures (two to be exact) and those are really the only times i've left my house other than work/grocery shopping (which i hate, by the way). i come home, shower, play xbox and just not pay attention to the world, eat dinner, more xbox, sleep. i know this sounds way nerdy, but i have noticed a sharp decline in my ability to play video games. i go home from work at the end of the day, i don't feel like i accomplished anything, even though i know i did. part of the problem is that my buddy, my partner, my fucking mentor (for lack of a better term) is now almost "semi-retired." he doesn't work out in the field any more, now he's in the shop. which is good for him because it's less mental and physical stress in the shop and he hasn't been the same since his heartattack last year. but it's just hard to get used to not working with the guy that's been by your side for a year and a half. i'm in the position i am today because of his advice: his encouragement. he believed in me when i thought no one else did. he put faith in me at work when no one else had. i wouldn't maked the money i do now or have the responsibility i do now if it wasn't for him. i dedicate my entire professional career to my father, my grandfarther, and roger bonner.
i miss my friends. there may be a small number of them, but i couldn't ask for better ones. even though it crushes me to know they all live so far away, atleast i know i have a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep whenever i'm in Las Vegas, Reno, or LA. really, what more could anyone ask for?

i just need something to fill this "gap" that i have in me....