(no subject)

Jan 11, 2011 11:46

I ask myself a lot the question "What now?" I have been asking that about a lot of things in my life. My transition is sort of hitting a spot where I don’t know what’s next. I need money for hair removal and not even thinking about the cost of SRS. Even the thought of SRS depresses me. The end result is nothing more than an imitation. Which in the end doesn’t matter because I will never afford it. Hell I know I will never pass anyway. So what is in my future? All I see is a lot of guns in my face, lots of disrespect and a lot of pain. Dating and being trans is almost impossible in this society. Every time things look like they might be going well with someone and I get to the point of confessing “Hey I need you to know I am trans” it ALWAYS falls apart and usually in an explosive hurtful way.

I have so few friends. So many of them I lie to or hide so much from. Even the one person I should be able to say anything to I find myself keeping quiet with more often. “if you are honest with them they will hate you just like everyone else does” runs through my head constantly. I have no choice but to believe that. History proves it to be right. I can’t be honest with people, or shrinks for that matter, about what is in my head. I got told that I should go out and meet people and hang out with people. The problem is that it is just a vicious cycle. People end up being transphobic or incredibly judgmental against people with any form of mental disorder. This alone causes me to be quiet and withdraw. The people that do give me a chance always end up backing away and stopping to talk to me. I never keep friends. S is technically my oldest friend whom I still can’t figure out why she talks to me. Beyond that? SM from July I think… I am seriously waiting for S to get pissed at me and stop talking to me again and SM is probably really close to it. As for M? I don’t know. That relationship will probably explode like all my other ones.

I don’t know what to do. I beg and plead and provide research to docs hoping that put me on something and none of them will. I don’t know what to do anymore. Without money I can’t leave this place. Without a job I can’t go anywhere else. So I have to sit here and ask myself…

“What now?”
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