Happy Urea
There's something quite soothing about using a deceased form of social media that pretty much nobody keeps track of anymore. This either makes me a hipster, or a dinosaur. Maybe a hipster dinosaur.
For the past dickitty fuck years, I've done an annual "NYE" meme. I started in 2003, the year I graduated high school. I missed last year because I was clinically depressed and didn't see the point. But this year, the meme awakens.
1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?
* Broke up with my husband (see: missed 2014 meme, where the milestone would have been 'got married').
* Hired a lawyer.
* Vomited (not strictly a first, as I vomited plenty in my youth, but resolutely stopped at age six after developing a severe phobia. This year marked the breaking of a 22-year vomit-free streak. Drat.)
* Had sex in a car, adjacent to a corn field. Missed opportunity; having sex in the actual corn field (too much mud, nobody wants a muddy vagina. Nobody.)
* Attended a major literary conference (AWP).
* Nominated for & won several literary awards, including a Pushcart, the Overland Judith Wright Poetry Prize, an Academy of American Poets prize, & others.
* Had my critical work published in an online publication with extremely wide circulation (hi, The Mary Sue! <3)
* Graduated from Grad school with a flawless 4.0 & attendent accolades.
* Came to terms with my spousal/domestic abuse & took steps towards healing from it.
* Did the work to put myself in an actual supportive, reciprocal relationship.
* Did mushrooms.
* Got completely sober.
* Got threatened with legal action. Twice! :D
* Edited, published, & distributed a successful print journal/literary magazine not once, but twice!
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year, that I can recall, but they were probably something along the lines of "lose weight". I'm done with that bullshit. That is a silly resolution. A commitment to improving one's health, over the course of the year and indeed one's lifetime? Yes, good. OMFG MUST LOSE 60LBS IN NEW YEAR!?!?! No. Nope. This year, my primary goal is to continue to heal from my abuse/trauma and work on setting better boundaries with others. Also to limit my social media to (mostly) professional stuff and learn when to shut off & say "no" to folks.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't believe so. I think one of my friends from highschool had a baby, which is bizarre, but since I don't live in the same country as her and we haven't seen each other in probably 5 years, I don't think that counts as "close".
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year! Hurrah!
5. What countries did you visit?
I didn't, though I did make my first trip to Minnesota & Alabama.
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
Less weight. <-- and again <-- o hai body issues <--- no, past Kia! No! You are good! You are golden! You are beautiful at any size, and CONGRATULATIONS FOR FINALLY REALIZING THIS!
An honors degree --> Done. Well done. Good job. Look at you, achieving your 2009 goals.
An american visa --> You're working on it, kid. You're almost there.
Published writing --> Geeze, 2009 Kia, you're knocking it out of the park.
A job that is in some way relevant to my interests, and preferably NOT in lingerie --> Well, there's always room for improvement...but you're closer than you were, eh?
In 2016 I want a job that pays me enough to be at least somewhat financially independent. I want to have completed a lengthy work of fiction--not necessary to publish it, though wouldn't that be nice? I'd like to at least have published a chapbook of poems that I can be proud of. I'd like to have built better boundaries and foundations to keep me emotionally happy and stable, enabling me to keep this boat sturdy enough to weather the storm. I'd like to be healthier (hey, in 2015 I knocked my blood pressure back into its healthy range, so hey, we're getting on track!)
7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Telling my husband I wasn't happy & wanted out, the day after Mardi Gras (Ash Wednesday, I suppose).
Accidental Valentine's Day with Max.
The day Max told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
My mentor's incredible introduction for me at MFA reading/graduation, which involved her invoking Cthulhu (Ph'nglui mglw'nafh CthulhuR'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn) reading poems at graduation & having Max burst into tears when I read the one I wrote for him.
My rape.
The terrible night at One Eyed Jacks which resulted in me vomiting all over the damn bed & resolving to actually properly give up drinking.
Thesis defense & resulting glee.
Taking Kelsi to the ER in the middle of the night, after she screwed up her knee at her birthday party.
Going to the NOLA film fest with my buds and watching The House on Pine Street! For various reasons, but mostly (other than the fact that it was an excellent film) that it got me my first gig writing for The Mary Sue!
Christmas with Max's amazing, nutty family in rural Louisiana. Such a beautiful, warm, and loving time - despite the stress and high-tension and many, many, many children running around.
Driving home from Baton Rouge in the middle of the night listening to Kanye West & Talk Talk, & thinking wow, wow, look at the world. Look at how beautiful it is, in all its complexity and horror and intricacy.
Tripping on mushrooms & working through my anxiety in some kind of weird, Lisa Frank-based vision quest.
How long is a year? A year is so long. There were so many moments, but it's all rather jumbled.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating with my Masters degree from UNO, with a flawless 4.0 and several awards. Yeow.
Publishing work, winning awards, etc.
Finally taking productive steps towards overcoming some of my most persistent and deeply imbedded demons.
Saying no to my continued abuse & exploitation.
9. What was your biggest failure?
You know what? Nothing. Not saying I didn't make mistakes, because boy fuck howdy, I'm sure I did. But on the whole, this was such a healing year and I am grateful for it, and for all the people who helped support me and make it possible.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had that fun 10+ day panic attack that had me in the urgent care getting chest x-rays because I had been hyperventilating so hard it hurt when I moved or breathed. That was fun.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Books. Always books.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Too many people to list. My mom, Ashley, Max, Kelsi, Chelsea, Emma, Carolyn, Rachael, Vy, Sabby/Alicia, Laycee/Alley, Max's incredible family, the list goes on...
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The rapists & abusers of the world, who keep making themselves known in surprising and horrifying ways. Also, the US government & judicial system, but hey, who's surprised?
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, car payments, lawyer payments, food, books, makeup, clothes - probably in that order.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Myself, my growth, & my future.
16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
Everything Lil B has ever done.
Motherfucking Hot Line Bling.
Hozier - Take Me to Church
Everything by Talk Talk
Cocteau Twins - Cherry Coloured Funk
Everything by The Microphones
Whitesnake - Here I Go Again
Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? SO. MUCH. HAPPIER.
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner, but this is a bullshit question.
iii. richer or poorer: Probably about equal.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing. Of course.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Wasting time and emotional labor on folks who don't deserve it.
0. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent xmas with my boyfriend's amazing extended family in rural Louisiana. There was a lot of playing with small children, Disney boardgames, art projects, dogs, video games, eggnog, & appropriate levels of genuine cheer. It was pretty fucking magical.
21. What LJ users did you meet?
LOL does anyone even use LJ.
22. Did you fall in love in 2015?
Yes, in a way I previously didn't think possible.
23. How many one-night stands?
None. Not about that life.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Hannibal, Jessica Jones, The Venture Bros, Gravity Falls, Regular Show, Young Justice!
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah, I don't think I'm really about hate. There are people I sorely believe deserve a HUGE kick in the ass from karma, but that's not up to me. Sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach that I can't do anything to stop these people from causing further hurt, but I can't. It's impossible. I am not a vigilante. So, y'know. I've had to make peace with that. It's hard.
26. What was the best book you read?
I read so many fantastic books of poetry this year, so that's hard to say. But probably Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates & every single book of Margaret Atwood's poetry that I had to read. Also there are boxes and there is wanting by Tessa Micaela Landreau-Grasmuck which you can pre-order here.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Talk Talk & The Microphones
28. What did you want and get?
My Masters Degree. Freedom. Healing. Love.
29. What did you want and not get?
REVENGE. Ha. But it's for the best.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Oh god that's a hard question. The House on Pine Street, almost certainly. It Follows was also excellent, and The Force Awakens was very enjoyable.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 29 (!) and I had a small house thing with folk who I love very much.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I honestly can't think of anything. I am grateful for what I have.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Eclectic.
34. What kept you sane?
My incredible support network, & writing/reading.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Oh, go on then, Hugh Dancy & Krysten Ritter.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
#BlackLivesMatter, defunding Planned Parenthood & ongoing issues with reproductive rights, & of course, RAPE CULTURE. Can't be forgetting the ever-present and constant suppression of women. Fun.
37. Who did you miss?
My Australians.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Many of the people who have become the most important in my life I technically met in 2014, but let's list 'em anyway; Max. Ashley. Also so grateful for Max's extended network of folk, all of whom are wonderful; Kelsi & Chelsea inparticular, but also Brandon, Alex B, and many more.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.
Say. No.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I honestly can't think of one. I didn't listen to as much music this year, I guess!
1. where were you when it turned 12 last new years?
I actually can't remember at all. I have a feeling I stayed home & kissed no one except the fine linen of my pillowcases. Yeow.
2. where do you think you will be at 12 this new years?
Jury is out. It's almost 7pm and I'm not ready to go anywhere, but I may well be a-wandering the streets of New Orleans with Laycee.
3. what was the worst thing that happened to you the past year?
Rape & abuse, & the resulting PTSD & recovery from the same.
4. what was the best thing that happened to you this year?
Recovery & love. I was going to say Max, but for one, he's not a thing, and for another, he's not solely responsible for making things magically better. He helps a lot and is supportive and wonderful, but so are many other people. My biggest mistake, in my 20s, has been out-sourcing my happiness to others, particularly romantic partners, and crediting them with the emotional work -I- have done to make myself better, stronger, and more capable. So no, y'know what, the best thing that happened to me this year was me.
5. what band/singer do you not like admitting that you like?
Uh, that's quite the list.
6. who is the best female singer ever?
Still Johnette but there's a long list of runners up (Cyndi, Joan, Florence, Elizabeth Fraser, Kate Bush...)
7. who is underrated?
Fuck I don't know, every allegedly stupid band I love from the mid-80s?
8. who is the biggest crush of your life?
No one?
9. who is the best live band you have ever seen?
Idk, probably still Simon & Garfunkel.
10. how old do you predict you will be when you die?
Could be tomorrow, could be in 70 years. I don't know, but I'm so glad I get to be here & do so many wonderful, amazing things.
For the past dickitty fuck years, I've done an annual "NYE" meme. I started in 2003, the year I graduated high school. I missed last year because I was clinically depressed and didn't see the point. But this year, the meme awakens.
1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?
* Broke up with my husband (see: missed 2014 meme, where the milestone would have been 'got married').
* Hired a lawyer.
* Vomited (not strictly a first, as I vomited plenty in my youth, but resolutely stopped at age six after developing a severe phobia. This year marked the breaking of a 22-year vomit-free streak. Drat.)
* Had sex in a car, adjacent to a corn field. Missed opportunity; having sex in the actual corn field (too much mud, nobody wants a muddy vagina. Nobody.)
* Attended a major literary conference (AWP).
* Nominated for & won several literary awards, including a Pushcart, the Overland Judith Wright Poetry Prize, an Academy of American Poets prize, & others.
* Had my critical work published in an online publication with extremely wide circulation (hi, The Mary Sue! <3)
* Graduated from Grad school with a flawless 4.0 & attendent accolades.
* Came to terms with my spousal/domestic abuse & took steps towards healing from it.
* Did the work to put myself in an actual supportive, reciprocal relationship.
* Did mushrooms.
* Got completely sober.
* Got threatened with legal action. Twice! :D
* Edited, published, & distributed a successful print journal/literary magazine not once, but twice!
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year, that I can recall, but they were probably something along the lines of "lose weight". I'm done with that bullshit. That is a silly resolution. A commitment to improving one's health, over the course of the year and indeed one's lifetime? Yes, good. OMFG MUST LOSE 60LBS IN NEW YEAR!?!?! No. Nope. This year, my primary goal is to continue to heal from my abuse/trauma and work on setting better boundaries with others. Also to limit my social media to (mostly) professional stuff and learn when to shut off & say "no" to folks.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't believe so. I think one of my friends from highschool had a baby, which is bizarre, but since I don't live in the same country as her and we haven't seen each other in probably 5 years, I don't think that counts as "close".
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year! Hurrah!
5. What countries did you visit?
I didn't, though I did make my first trip to Minnesota & Alabama.
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
Less weight. <-- and again <-- o hai body issues <--- no, past Kia! No! You are good! You are golden! You are beautiful at any size, and CONGRATULATIONS FOR FINALLY REALIZING THIS!
An honors degree --> Done. Well done. Good job. Look at you, achieving your 2009 goals.
An american visa --> You're working on it, kid. You're almost there.
Published writing --> Geeze, 2009 Kia, you're knocking it out of the park.
A job that is in some way relevant to my interests, and preferably NOT in lingerie --> Well, there's always room for improvement...but you're closer than you were, eh?
In 2016 I want a job that pays me enough to be at least somewhat financially independent. I want to have completed a lengthy work of fiction--not necessary to publish it, though wouldn't that be nice? I'd like to at least have published a chapbook of poems that I can be proud of. I'd like to have built better boundaries and foundations to keep me emotionally happy and stable, enabling me to keep this boat sturdy enough to weather the storm. I'd like to be healthier (hey, in 2015 I knocked my blood pressure back into its healthy range, so hey, we're getting on track!)
7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Telling my husband I wasn't happy & wanted out, the day after Mardi Gras (Ash Wednesday, I suppose).
Accidental Valentine's Day with Max.
The day Max told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
My mentor's incredible introduction for me at MFA reading/graduation, which involved her invoking Cthulhu (Ph'nglui mglw'nafh CthulhuR'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn) reading poems at graduation & having Max burst into tears when I read the one I wrote for him.
My rape.
The terrible night at One Eyed Jacks which resulted in me vomiting all over the damn bed & resolving to actually properly give up drinking.
Thesis defense & resulting glee.
Taking Kelsi to the ER in the middle of the night, after she screwed up her knee at her birthday party.
Going to the NOLA film fest with my buds and watching The House on Pine Street! For various reasons, but mostly (other than the fact that it was an excellent film) that it got me my first gig writing for The Mary Sue!
Christmas with Max's amazing, nutty family in rural Louisiana. Such a beautiful, warm, and loving time - despite the stress and high-tension and many, many, many children running around.
Driving home from Baton Rouge in the middle of the night listening to Kanye West & Talk Talk, & thinking wow, wow, look at the world. Look at how beautiful it is, in all its complexity and horror and intricacy.
Tripping on mushrooms & working through my anxiety in some kind of weird, Lisa Frank-based vision quest.
How long is a year? A year is so long. There were so many moments, but it's all rather jumbled.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating with my Masters degree from UNO, with a flawless 4.0 and several awards. Yeow.
Publishing work, winning awards, etc.
Finally taking productive steps towards overcoming some of my most persistent and deeply imbedded demons.
Saying no to my continued abuse & exploitation.
9. What was your biggest failure?
You know what? Nothing. Not saying I didn't make mistakes, because boy fuck howdy, I'm sure I did. But on the whole, this was such a healing year and I am grateful for it, and for all the people who helped support me and make it possible.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had that fun 10+ day panic attack that had me in the urgent care getting chest x-rays because I had been hyperventilating so hard it hurt when I moved or breathed. That was fun.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Books. Always books.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Too many people to list. My mom, Ashley, Max, Kelsi, Chelsea, Emma, Carolyn, Rachael, Vy, Sabby/Alicia, Laycee/Alley, Max's incredible family, the list goes on...
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The rapists & abusers of the world, who keep making themselves known in surprising and horrifying ways. Also, the US government & judicial system, but hey, who's surprised?
14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, car payments, lawyer payments, food, books, makeup, clothes - probably in that order.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Myself, my growth, & my future.
16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
Everything Lil B has ever done.
Motherfucking Hot Line Bling.
Hozier - Take Me to Church
Everything by Talk Talk
Cocteau Twins - Cherry Coloured Funk
Everything by The Microphones
Whitesnake - Here I Go Again
Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? SO. MUCH. HAPPIER.
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner, but this is a bullshit question.
iii. richer or poorer: Probably about equal.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing. Of course.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Wasting time and emotional labor on folks who don't deserve it.
0. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent xmas with my boyfriend's amazing extended family in rural Louisiana. There was a lot of playing with small children, Disney boardgames, art projects, dogs, video games, eggnog, & appropriate levels of genuine cheer. It was pretty fucking magical.
21. What LJ users did you meet?
LOL does anyone even use LJ.
22. Did you fall in love in 2015?
Yes, in a way I previously didn't think possible.
23. How many one-night stands?
None. Not about that life.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Hannibal, Jessica Jones, The Venture Bros, Gravity Falls, Regular Show, Young Justice!
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah, I don't think I'm really about hate. There are people I sorely believe deserve a HUGE kick in the ass from karma, but that's not up to me. Sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach that I can't do anything to stop these people from causing further hurt, but I can't. It's impossible. I am not a vigilante. So, y'know. I've had to make peace with that. It's hard.
26. What was the best book you read?
I read so many fantastic books of poetry this year, so that's hard to say. But probably Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates & every single book of Margaret Atwood's poetry that I had to read. Also there are boxes and there is wanting by Tessa Micaela Landreau-Grasmuck which you can pre-order here.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Talk Talk & The Microphones
28. What did you want and get?
My Masters Degree. Freedom. Healing. Love.
29. What did you want and not get?
REVENGE. Ha. But it's for the best.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Oh god that's a hard question. The House on Pine Street, almost certainly. It Follows was also excellent, and The Force Awakens was very enjoyable.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 29 (!) and I had a small house thing with folk who I love very much.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I honestly can't think of anything. I am grateful for what I have.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Eclectic.
34. What kept you sane?
My incredible support network, & writing/reading.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Oh, go on then, Hugh Dancy & Krysten Ritter.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
#BlackLivesMatter, defunding Planned Parenthood & ongoing issues with reproductive rights, & of course, RAPE CULTURE. Can't be forgetting the ever-present and constant suppression of women. Fun.
37. Who did you miss?
My Australians.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Many of the people who have become the most important in my life I technically met in 2014, but let's list 'em anyway; Max. Ashley. Also so grateful for Max's extended network of folk, all of whom are wonderful; Kelsi & Chelsea inparticular, but also Brandon, Alex B, and many more.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.
Say. No.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I honestly can't think of one. I didn't listen to as much music this year, I guess!
1. where were you when it turned 12 last new years?
I actually can't remember at all. I have a feeling I stayed home & kissed no one except the fine linen of my pillowcases. Yeow.
2. where do you think you will be at 12 this new years?
Jury is out. It's almost 7pm and I'm not ready to go anywhere, but I may well be a-wandering the streets of New Orleans with Laycee.
3. what was the worst thing that happened to you the past year?
Rape & abuse, & the resulting PTSD & recovery from the same.
4. what was the best thing that happened to you this year?
Recovery & love. I was going to say Max, but for one, he's not a thing, and for another, he's not solely responsible for making things magically better. He helps a lot and is supportive and wonderful, but so are many other people. My biggest mistake, in my 20s, has been out-sourcing my happiness to others, particularly romantic partners, and crediting them with the emotional work -I- have done to make myself better, stronger, and more capable. So no, y'know what, the best thing that happened to me this year was me.
5. what band/singer do you not like admitting that you like?
Uh, that's quite the list.
6. who is the best female singer ever?
Still Johnette but there's a long list of runners up (Cyndi, Joan, Florence, Elizabeth Fraser, Kate Bush...)
7. who is underrated?
Fuck I don't know, every allegedly stupid band I love from the mid-80s?
8. who is the biggest crush of your life?
No one?
9. who is the best live band you have ever seen?
Idk, probably still Simon & Garfunkel.
10. how old do you predict you will be when you die?
Could be tomorrow, could be in 70 years. I don't know, but I'm so glad I get to be here & do so many wonderful, amazing things.