(no subject)
birthday was today. it was good. aha i can finally go see r-rated movies by myself! :] boyfrienddd did good. sike, he did great. flowers, stuffed animal, gag gift, charm for my necklace. mhmm, love love love.
when i was cleaning out my room last week, i found a bunch of letters and shit that jesse wrote me while he was getting clean. i regret not writing back at all. but at the time i wanted nothing to do with him. i found the one that i got on my birthday last year. which pretty much made my day horrible and miserable.
july 20, 2005
pip, i'm hoping this is going to get to you by your birthday, if not, then i'm sorry. i was never good with birthdays or whatever. i'm trying to figure out why i'm still writing you, since you aren't writing back. but i keep reminding myself what you said, that you wanted nothing to do with me until i was clean. which is understandable...i guess. i was gonna call like two weeks ago, because i was out on warped doing some photo shit and i thought i was clean, but i relapsed. i guess i saw it coming. this is harder than i thought it would be. the withdraws suck. it's not any better staying with chris and marty. mostly marty, because he's so...not sympathetic. he keeps telling me "you fucked this up j. this is your fault. you've lost everyone back home blah fucking blah". my original plan was to be clean by your birthday, that was i could come back home and see you and hold you and shit. i miss you. megan hasn't called. she hasn't written when i've been getting help. some girlfriend huh? the only time we've talked has been when i called a few times and it's only been for a few minutes. chris swears she's cheating. i doubt it, who would throw 5 and a half years away like that, right? it's pretty bad to say that i think about you more than i think about her. if i love her so much, and she's "the world" to me, i should be missing her hard like i miss you. i should be wanting to see her as much as i do you. i wonder everyday if going back to her was the right thing. like, if i should've kept our "thing" going, who knows what that would've progressed into. i miss you so bad baby. i miss holding you hand. i miss laying with you when we're both so pissface drunk. i miss that forbidden kiss. but i'll never know if megan's right for me unless i give it another shot. i'll probably figure that out when i get home. i don't know. i don't know about anything. all i know is i miss you, and i understand that you hate me. i'm just going to go, instead of bitching and whining about the situation i put myself in. i miss you. i love you. oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth inplace. tell everyone i'm alive and i say hi. i love you. pop.
when i was cleaning out my room last week, i found a bunch of letters and shit that jesse wrote me while he was getting clean. i regret not writing back at all. but at the time i wanted nothing to do with him. i found the one that i got on my birthday last year. which pretty much made my day horrible and miserable.
july 20, 2005
pip, i'm hoping this is going to get to you by your birthday, if not, then i'm sorry. i was never good with birthdays or whatever. i'm trying to figure out why i'm still writing you, since you aren't writing back. but i keep reminding myself what you said, that you wanted nothing to do with me until i was clean. which is understandable...i guess. i was gonna call like two weeks ago, because i was out on warped doing some photo shit and i thought i was clean, but i relapsed. i guess i saw it coming. this is harder than i thought it would be. the withdraws suck. it's not any better staying with chris and marty. mostly marty, because he's so...not sympathetic. he keeps telling me "you fucked this up j. this is your fault. you've lost everyone back home blah fucking blah". my original plan was to be clean by your birthday, that was i could come back home and see you and hold you and shit. i miss you. megan hasn't called. she hasn't written when i've been getting help. some girlfriend huh? the only time we've talked has been when i called a few times and it's only been for a few minutes. chris swears she's cheating. i doubt it, who would throw 5 and a half years away like that, right? it's pretty bad to say that i think about you more than i think about her. if i love her so much, and she's "the world" to me, i should be missing her hard like i miss you. i should be wanting to see her as much as i do you. i wonder everyday if going back to her was the right thing. like, if i should've kept our "thing" going, who knows what that would've progressed into. i miss you so bad baby. i miss holding you hand. i miss laying with you when we're both so pissface drunk. i miss that forbidden kiss. but i'll never know if megan's right for me unless i give it another shot. i'll probably figure that out when i get home. i don't know. i don't know about anything. all i know is i miss you, and i understand that you hate me. i'm just going to go, instead of bitching and whining about the situation i put myself in. i miss you. i love you. oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth inplace. tell everyone i'm alive and i say hi. i love you. pop.