i make no apologies for the sprawling emotional creature livejournal turns me into
i saw (500) days of summer last night, as well as my ex boyfriend, for the first time in almost a year. not together, obviously. i saw the movie with yevi, liz, and lauren, and after we went our separate ways i got into my car and just cried. i didn't necessarily enjoy myself during the film, and i thought it was obviously a little too self consciously hip or whatever, but i kind of liked that it wasn't really on anyone's side, but while i was watching it i wanted the film to have some kind of theory of love, some kind of answer. maybe i feel like i'm 22 and i should have my own theory, my own answer. it's time for me to decide if i'm a cynic or a romantic. (No one need tell me how ridiculous this is.) so i disliked the film for being this glossy, pretty, well lit music video life even though i got that the point was how unreal our protagonist's take was. I don't know.
Obviously it was a sort of weird movie to see after seeing Matt, which I don't want to talk about here.
The current crew at my work are all really good friends, and it's so weird because I spend *so* much time there that like, are these people going to become my good friends? should i be at this hotel party in hollywood right now? or do i appreciate the distance, not just because the majority of these people are kids or fuck ups and drop outs. so i was thinking about friendship on the drive home tonight, how there's someone to whom i never say i love you, nor do i consciously think it when we talk, but i mean, obviously i do. a lot. life doesn't work this way, but in my top ten list of people in the world, he's in the top five. the other thought i had was: the way i/we felt that time we did molly. i wish friendship could feel like that all the time. everyone i work with is a huge raver, kind of a non sequitor. i am missing moments of euphoria.
even the pains show, while FUCKING BEYOND AMAZING, didn't click for me in that way that just felt warm and calming all over. is my love affair with brett over? i didn't think so, sitting at cinespia sunday night, whispering to each other over a shared bottle of white wine and rubbing shoulders in that easy, intimate way, but hey, guess what, i'm a very hard person to know. i know i am. and i admire and respect everyone who loves me because i know what a job it is. and it's wickedly, painfully disappointing when someone you want to love doesn't have the wherewithal to handle you. that moment when we were on molly, i thought you did. i really, really wish i couldn't find a way to make everything about my fucking friendship with milo.
i'm so looking forward to my weekend journey. me and frankie and the right direction (north). going to sleep now so i can wake up early and take care of my shit because my goal is to be out of the house by ten am. maybe tomorrow night will bring that warmth.
Obviously it was a sort of weird movie to see after seeing Matt, which I don't want to talk about here.
The current crew at my work are all really good friends, and it's so weird because I spend *so* much time there that like, are these people going to become my good friends? should i be at this hotel party in hollywood right now? or do i appreciate the distance, not just because the majority of these people are kids or fuck ups and drop outs. so i was thinking about friendship on the drive home tonight, how there's someone to whom i never say i love you, nor do i consciously think it when we talk, but i mean, obviously i do. a lot. life doesn't work this way, but in my top ten list of people in the world, he's in the top five. the other thought i had was: the way i/we felt that time we did molly. i wish friendship could feel like that all the time. everyone i work with is a huge raver, kind of a non sequitor. i am missing moments of euphoria.
even the pains show, while FUCKING BEYOND AMAZING, didn't click for me in that way that just felt warm and calming all over. is my love affair with brett over? i didn't think so, sitting at cinespia sunday night, whispering to each other over a shared bottle of white wine and rubbing shoulders in that easy, intimate way, but hey, guess what, i'm a very hard person to know. i know i am. and i admire and respect everyone who loves me because i know what a job it is. and it's wickedly, painfully disappointing when someone you want to love doesn't have the wherewithal to handle you. that moment when we were on molly, i thought you did. i really, really wish i couldn't find a way to make everything about my fucking friendship with milo.
i'm so looking forward to my weekend journey. me and frankie and the right direction (north). going to sleep now so i can wake up early and take care of my shit because my goal is to be out of the house by ten am. maybe tomorrow night will bring that warmth.