She isn't proud that it's true and she isn't proud that he knows.
It feels like weakness but more than that, it feels selfish. Lena knows what it would do to the Crowbar, she knows what it would do to Sonny, and that she'd still prefer to die than to face it goes to show she's a lot more terrible than she's ever given credit for.
That she was dealt the terrible hand, that she got the short end of the stick, it doesn't excuse it. Nothing excuses it when she loves them so much. She doesn't care what the world would ask of her, but she does look up at him at that, gaze sweeping across his face. "What are you asking of me?"
She isn't asking what he has the right to ask of her or not. She wants to know what he'd ask regardless.
"You're sorry. I know you're sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I know it and I do not hold anything against you. My fear and what I can and cannot handle is not on you. That's all me."
She always does sleep better when it's with him. He's had a way of holding her in the past that makes her feel safe and cherished, and the time she spends with him is the time she allows herself to slow down. It allows her to savor life the way it's meant to be savored, and she honestly couldn't say that about herself up until a few months ago.
Lena wasn't really living, either. She'd been existing, and she'd been making some really poor choices, and she'd been distancing herself from those that only had her best interests at heart. She doesn't want to know what would have happened had she botched the mission and she hadn't met him halfway through it. She just doesn't. And when she isn't bogged down by the fresh sting of what's happened or the weight of the doubts clouding everything else, she does see it clearly. She sees how good they are for each other and how much they help each other. There's adventure but there's also stability, and there's trust and there's honesty.
It feels like weakness but more than that, it feels selfish. Lena knows what it would do to the Crowbar, she knows what it would do to Sonny, and that she'd still prefer to die than to face it goes to show she's a lot more terrible than she's ever given credit for.
That she was dealt the terrible hand, that she got the short end of the stick, it doesn't excuse it. Nothing excuses it when she loves them so much. She doesn't care what the world would ask of her, but she does look up at him at that, gaze sweeping across his face. "What are you asking of me?"
She isn't asking what he has the right to ask of her or not. She wants to know what he'd ask regardless.
"You're sorry. I know you're sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I know it and I do not hold anything against you. My fear and what I can and cannot handle is not on you. That's all me."
She always does sleep better when it's with him. He's had a way of holding her in the past that makes her feel safe and cherished, and the time she spends with him is the time she allows herself to slow down. It allows her to savor life the way it's meant to be savored, and she honestly couldn't say that about herself up until a few months ago.
Lena wasn't really living, either. She'd been existing, and she'd been making some really poor choices, and she'd been distancing herself from those that only had her best interests at heart. She doesn't want to know what would have happened had she botched the mission and she hadn't met him halfway through it. She just doesn't. And when she isn't bogged down by the fresh sting of what's happened or the weight of the doubts clouding everything else, she does see it clearly. She sees how good they are for each other and how much they help each other. There's adventure but there's also stability, and there's trust and there's honesty.
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