(no subject)
Note: AU. This is an AU. so hard. It's terrible. Basically an AU where Lucky gets addicted to drugs again. yes. warning some triggery stuff possible, talks of addiction, guilt.
Lucky can't get the sounds of their screaming out of his head.
It shouldn't have happened.
Lena, Sonny, and Gates had to leave. They had to leave the city limits, because they were all in desperate need for a reset. No missions had been planned. Nothing was supposed to have gone on but running the bar in their absence. They had their phones if they were needed.
An emergency happened, however.
Someone had to answer the call. They couldn't get a hold of the family that had left, which was worrying enough but lives were on the line. It was four of them that went into the mission. John, Zoe, Lou, and Lucky went out on this mission together, and Lucky is the one--
Lucky is the one that made the mistake that resulted in the deaths of-- of so many people. It was his fault, and it wasn't one of those mistakes where he didn't get there fast enough. He pushed the wrong fucking button. Lucky had been running through the computer, hacking into the system and trying to shut it down.
He made the wrong keystrokes, and he pushed the button that killed them all while John was trying to talk them down, while Zoe was trying to sneak in through a smaller entrance and get the hostages out, while Lou was knocking down guards on the outside so they'd have a free run to safety. Lucky pushed the keys that killed them all.
There shouldn't even have been a kill switch in the program, but the-- when he'd tried to hack in, a virus had gotten into his computer, rewrote the programming, and he didn't realize it until it was too late.
He can still hear them screaming. The bomb went off, most of them burned to death, and he was hacked into the video feeds. He could hear it.
----
When they get back from the mission, Lucky is the first one in the Crowbar. It takes them awhile to get back. They didn't know if Zoe had been caught in the explosion. John had to fight his way out of the negotiation room once they realized their bargaining chip had been removed. It's a wonder any of them got out of there alive, and they all have injuries to show for it except him.
He picks out a bottle of whiskey from the shelf and goes up to his room, locking the door behind him and sinking down on to the floor. Everything-- all these emotions are caught up in his chest and throat and head,and he can't think beyond them.
It's his fault. Fuck. He has never wanted to drink more, and he opens the bottle, takes a long drink from it wincing. There's a burning at his eyes that he can't hold back. He hears them scream, and he lets out a sob, stifling his mouth with his hand.
It's not long before there's a knock at the other side of the door, the sound of the handle turning. "Lucky?" It's John, and there's only a slight pause before he speaks again. "Lucky. Goddammit, please."
There's more silence though through the door, Lucky can hear the harsh breathing on the other side of it. He opens his mouth to say something but no sound comes out so he takes another, longer drink.
"Please open the door or I'm breaking it down."
There's the sound of his hand landing on the door outside, and Lucky finally stands and reaches out with a shaky hand, unlocking the door.
John seems to breathe a sigh of relief and simultaneously take in a sharp intake of breath at the sight of him. "I was afraid you'd--" He clears his throat. "I tried calling their phones again. Maybe they're out of coverage area or they ran out of battery."
But they're both thinking the same thing. They wouldn't have gone somewhere out of the coverage area. They all took their chargers with them. Something happened, and it adds, it adds like a weight to the poison swirling in his stomach, to the sickness and pain that's there filling him up. He doesn't want to feel anything.
He doesn't want this. The guilt makes it difficult for him to breathe. He wants to die. Lucky doesn't want to be alive with John looking at him like that and the screaming in his head.
"It wasn't your fault. It was an accident. You didn't kidnap those people."
Lucky looks at him. He doesn't say anything. He can't find the words.
And John opens his mouth like he is going to say something else but pulls Lucky into a tight hug instead. Lucky buries his face against him and grabs hold, grabs hold though he knows he's a sinking ship. He's a drowning man, and at some point, John will have to let go.
----
Two days pass, and they haven't heard anything. They assume the worst except for Lou, except for Zoe (Give it time. Lets go look for them first), and the pain and the guilt and the grief and the guilt never ease. Lena like she can hear him if he screams it loud enough in his head with all that he's feeling in the rest of himself. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. he can never say it enough. He could carve it into his skin and it wouldn't be enough.
Lucky buys pills like he used to take. He buys them off the street and he sits on the floor with them, downing four of them there on the sidewalk, on the pavement. Lucky sits there, leaning against the building and leaning against it while the effects flood through him, make him numb to almost all of it. It's not even capable of erasing it all. It dulls it enough so he can survive, so he can breathe without it hurting.
He ends up back at the Crowbar eventually.
Time becomes difficult to discern. At some point, John is in his doorway. "We got a hold of them. They're alive."
And Lucky is halfway through a bottle of pills.
Lucky can't get the sounds of their screaming out of his head.
It shouldn't have happened.
Lena, Sonny, and Gates had to leave. They had to leave the city limits, because they were all in desperate need for a reset. No missions had been planned. Nothing was supposed to have gone on but running the bar in their absence. They had their phones if they were needed.
An emergency happened, however.
Someone had to answer the call. They couldn't get a hold of the family that had left, which was worrying enough but lives were on the line. It was four of them that went into the mission. John, Zoe, Lou, and Lucky went out on this mission together, and Lucky is the one--
Lucky is the one that made the mistake that resulted in the deaths of-- of so many people. It was his fault, and it wasn't one of those mistakes where he didn't get there fast enough. He pushed the wrong fucking button. Lucky had been running through the computer, hacking into the system and trying to shut it down.
He made the wrong keystrokes, and he pushed the button that killed them all while John was trying to talk them down, while Zoe was trying to sneak in through a smaller entrance and get the hostages out, while Lou was knocking down guards on the outside so they'd have a free run to safety. Lucky pushed the keys that killed them all.
There shouldn't even have been a kill switch in the program, but the-- when he'd tried to hack in, a virus had gotten into his computer, rewrote the programming, and he didn't realize it until it was too late.
He can still hear them screaming. The bomb went off, most of them burned to death, and he was hacked into the video feeds. He could hear it.
----
When they get back from the mission, Lucky is the first one in the Crowbar. It takes them awhile to get back. They didn't know if Zoe had been caught in the explosion. John had to fight his way out of the negotiation room once they realized their bargaining chip had been removed. It's a wonder any of them got out of there alive, and they all have injuries to show for it except him.
He picks out a bottle of whiskey from the shelf and goes up to his room, locking the door behind him and sinking down on to the floor. Everything-- all these emotions are caught up in his chest and throat and head,and he can't think beyond them.
It's his fault. Fuck. He has never wanted to drink more, and he opens the bottle, takes a long drink from it wincing. There's a burning at his eyes that he can't hold back. He hears them scream, and he lets out a sob, stifling his mouth with his hand.
It's not long before there's a knock at the other side of the door, the sound of the handle turning. "Lucky?" It's John, and there's only a slight pause before he speaks again. "Lucky. Goddammit, please."
There's more silence though through the door, Lucky can hear the harsh breathing on the other side of it. He opens his mouth to say something but no sound comes out so he takes another, longer drink.
"Please open the door or I'm breaking it down."
There's the sound of his hand landing on the door outside, and Lucky finally stands and reaches out with a shaky hand, unlocking the door.
John seems to breathe a sigh of relief and simultaneously take in a sharp intake of breath at the sight of him. "I was afraid you'd--" He clears his throat. "I tried calling their phones again. Maybe they're out of coverage area or they ran out of battery."
But they're both thinking the same thing. They wouldn't have gone somewhere out of the coverage area. They all took their chargers with them. Something happened, and it adds, it adds like a weight to the poison swirling in his stomach, to the sickness and pain that's there filling him up. He doesn't want to feel anything.
He doesn't want this. The guilt makes it difficult for him to breathe. He wants to die. Lucky doesn't want to be alive with John looking at him like that and the screaming in his head.
"It wasn't your fault. It was an accident. You didn't kidnap those people."
Lucky looks at him. He doesn't say anything. He can't find the words.
And John opens his mouth like he is going to say something else but pulls Lucky into a tight hug instead. Lucky buries his face against him and grabs hold, grabs hold though he knows he's a sinking ship. He's a drowning man, and at some point, John will have to let go.
----
Two days pass, and they haven't heard anything. They assume the worst except for Lou, except for Zoe (Give it time. Lets go look for them first), and the pain and the guilt and the grief and the guilt never ease. Lena like she can hear him if he screams it loud enough in his head with all that he's feeling in the rest of himself. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. he can never say it enough. He could carve it into his skin and it wouldn't be enough.
Lucky buys pills like he used to take. He buys them off the street and he sits on the floor with them, downing four of them there on the sidewalk, on the pavement. Lucky sits there, leaning against the building and leaning against it while the effects flood through him, make him numb to almost all of it. It's not even capable of erasing it all. It dulls it enough so he can survive, so he can breathe without it hurting.
He ends up back at the Crowbar eventually.
Time becomes difficult to discern. At some point, John is in his doorway. "We got a hold of them. They're alive."
And Lucky is halfway through a bottle of pills.