why won't you live for me?

[theabyssinian]

It's that time again. I hate this feeling - it's halfway between my stomach and my throat and I hate it. It feels like death is creeping up behind me. It feels like shit. Maybe it's really over this time, maybe not, I don't know. The point is, he loves being depressed more than he loves me, and I don't know how to fight for him any more. I feel like I've been six feet under for a year now, and I hate it. It's always something, or someone, and I need to stop feeling like this. I can't breathe, and I'm afraid that maybe I really can't live without him. It's been so many years that I don't remember what life was like before him. I mean, I remember being a little girl, and then I remember him, and that's it. It's so frustrating, and I really thought that things were looking up. I thought that we were moving in the right direction. It's funny, three days ago I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and now I can't get him to pick up the phone to see if maybe there's a chance for us. I wanted to be happy, and I wanted to be with him, and that's about all I wanted.

I want to be at a place in my life where I don't feel like I'm on the floor anymore.