How Wormwood was Almost 'Sploded... and Other Camping Stories.
I'm alive!
And the creditors aren't going to break my kneecaps!
Chris and I just got back from our appointment with a credit counsellor, who basically affirmed my suspicion that they can't technically do anything TO me. The worst they can do is sue me to have my wages garnished - but without wages, that doesn't make much sense.
What I need to do is send the company a registered letter explaining that I had no income due to illness for the period the loan was unpaid, and that I intend to start making payments via a plan with the canada credit counseling center in September when I will be aqquiring a part-time job.
It won't stop them from calling me, but it will create a paper trail that proves I have taken affirmative action. That's a phrase that makes me feel better just typing it; affirmative action.
Wormwood is proactive, okay?
Camping was spectacular as usual, and with no shortage of circumstances which afforded us many opportunities for hardship. Because the tales will probably be long I'll put 'em behind the cut.
Read on for 'How Wormwood almost got Asploded', 'Ranger Gord and the Blind Dog', and other tales of interest.
We got to the park in plenty of time this year with NO automotive incidents. 'Bones got packed into the backseat with the husky, while I played navigator and Shoshana drove (mostly white knuckled).
Naturally we hit several delays, and almost got nudged off the road trying to get off Weston... but such is the nature of driving in Toronto. If you're not on steroids or some other rage inducing chemical substance, you'd be better to walk.
Anyway we hit the windy little goat-track of a road to Frontenac about noon where 'Bones and I demanded the car be stopped on a dangerous blind curve so we could harass a roadside turtle.
I might mention, it was worth the risk.
Set off for our campsite from the trail center about twelve thirty with about forty pounds of gear apeice... plus one blind husky. Any and all bears were scared off undoubtedly by the constant stream of 'Gee!' and 'Ha!' from behind us as Shoshana navigated said blind dog around trees and rocks.
Squishy going this year. In most of the low lying areas the trail was lost to great sucking muck holes, but it was a vast improvement over the squadrons of black flies circling our heads like angry electronic halos last year.
I think we got to our site about three pm, where tasks were promptly deligated. I played with the fire; that is my function on these trips it seems. I burn things, and sometimes the things I burn are edible. Sometimes.
I DID try to go swimming, however the fact that a formation of sixteen fish appeared staring with bubble-eyed enthusiasm at my naked toes kept me from going any further. Its a ridiculous phobia believe me I know, but I HATE swimming where there are fish. Particularly fish who want to try and EAT ME. Pity too, since my swim trunks are awesome.
That night the tent encompassed Shoshana, who shifted ever three seconds on her air mattress producing a horrid plastic 'SQUEEEEEAK' sound, a dog snoring loud enough to attract bullfrogs, and 'Bones doing her best darth vader impression while asleep.
You know those little camping sized propane cylinders? Shoshana in her infinite boyscout preparedness brought two along with a burner attachment that screwed into the top. So the next day we figure we'll make tea that way instead of building up and tending a huge fire in the heat of day.
It worked wonderfully. The water boiled quickly, and since we'd treated it all with iodine this year there was none of that 'wait ten minutes' crap, thank the gods.
So, with our tea steeping Shoshana turns the burner off, and begins unscrewing the fixture.
Only the burner WASN'T off.
POOF.
Flame roars down from the burner in a line and disappears into the lip of the cylinder.
And everyone freezes.
It was in this moment we realized none of us could hack it in a real crisis situation. Shoshana stood gripping the flaming HIGHLY explosive container while 'Bones and I looked stupidly from each other to Shoshana, to the flames, then back again.
Eventually Bones finds some vestige of her senses and bellows, 'THROW IT IN THE LAKE', while I stand there wondering if I could hike back to base camp carrying two shrapnel peppered bodies and a blind dog.
Shoshana blinks twice, looks from side to side then drops the can on the ground. Then picks it up again, and looks from one side to the other ONCE more (just in case some happy wood elf had popped out of the underbrush to inform us of proper procedure).
In the end, Shoshana stuck her hand INTO the flame and turned the now melted dial off all the way.
And then we all burst into laughter. You know the sort; the kind that suggests if the laugher WEREN'T laughing, they'd be bawling. Hysterical laughter, while Shoshana examines her now hairless hands and the dog looks confused.
Believe me, everything is funny when you've just come close to explosion. No more propane... ever.
Went hiking a bit around the point of land near our site the next day, where I stuffed my face full of wild blueberries. Fishing ensued nearer darkness, and I caught a three pound small mouth. Hurrah!
He was going to be dinner, however by the time we'd started to fillet him we found he was full of parasites. I felt miserably guilty for killing the poor bugger for nothing, so we chucked most of him into the woods for something else to eat.
(Note, never throw meat or blood near your campsite... unless you're us, and were hell bent on seeing a bear.)
Packed up the next day and walked a MISERABLE twenty kilometers to site seven in four hours after almost missing the trail. We decided it would be shorter to take the portage route to birch lake, where the map showed it intersected with the trail we wanted.
Only it didn't.
The trail we wanted was hidden over a hill with no markers in site.
Had lunch on the shore, where 'Bones (who did a nose dive into the trail earlier after finding a stirrup shaped root with her foot) had a little freak about a giant dock spider, whom I had to hold at bay with various sticks while wolfing down my jerky and trail mix.
I wish like HELL our map had shown us the elevation of our trail, so we'd have known we'd be going down then up a huge gorge, and over sixteen someodd steep rises. Admittedly we should have taken more breaks, but the fact we managed twenty clicks in four hours with so much gear is impressive anyway.
Stumbled into site seven, and tried not to die before the tent was set up.
Enter the screaming hooligan family.
Stop me if I'm wrong, but if you're going to take your kids back country camping where the closest thing to a luxury is the roll of sandpaper passing for toilet paper in the privvy... don't you think you'd want to teach them to enjoy the wilderness?
Maybe that's just me.
So two families complete with matching sets of screaming, failing, stone-throwing children move from their registered site across from us and take over our water access in the process.
I didn't kill anyone, or snarl or snap. I was good.
I did steal the two water guns they left there though... I consider them payment for a wholly aggrivating afternoon.
We even tried walking into the woods to get away from their noise. It was at this point they decided to boat around the point we'd walked too and start HOOTING across the lake at one another. You know that pig call they use in the cartoon version of charlotte's web? That 'suuuuuuEEE!' thing?
That's what they were doing. Across the lake.
I started picking apart branches and pinecones, while we all agreed that if they hadn't left that night we'd sneak over to their campsite and make angry bear noises, and possibly pour beaver-fever water into their containers.
Neither happened, the swiss family jerkface left that afternoon, but not before Ranger Gord and his reluctant sidekick showed up.
Earlier I had asked 'Bones to find me four green sticks to use as a grate since the firepit had none.
Wormwood learns a valuable lesson here; be specific.
What I should have said is, 'find me four green sticks that AREN'T connected to a living tree'.
Bones hacked down a sapling, and littered the campsite with greenery as a result. WHICH we knew was illegal, but honestly, one sapling less when there were scorch marks and NAILS sticking out of the trees around our site? Seemed rather insignificant. Particularly since we were supposed to have a fire grate.
Thing one in a uniform and thing two in similar dress appear in a motor boat... and I high tail it into the woods where the sound of axes are echoing as Shoshana and Bones hack up firewood. The collection of dead fallen wood for fires IS allowed, but I wasn't about to let the ranger stumble on them if they murdering trees.
Unfortunately long legged 'this-is-just-a-summer-job' teenaged ranger is right behind me. That saying from the last unicorn, 'don't run from anything immortal, it attracts their attention' holds true for anything in a uniform as well so I did my damnedest to stride purposefully without seeming as if I were fleeing the sight of an accident.
Luckily they were only hacking dead wood.
Whew.
Unfortunately we arrive back in camp with armloads of wood to find Ranger Gord (who is almost spilling out of his uniform shirt I might add. Time to add another notch to that belt my friend.) tapping a pencil against a clip board. My stomach drops into my pelvis, as he nudges some of the previously live foliage littering our site.
Shiiiiiit.
After mispronouncing Shoshana's name, and doing the 'Hmmmm' thing which all uniforms who REALLY wanted to be cops but couldn't make the cut (this guy had 'mall cop' written all over him) do when they're giving you enough rope to hang yourself with, Ranger Gord asks us how we came to have a site littered with destroyed tree.
Props to Bones on this one; she looked between us for a minute then launched into a sordid and pathetic tale of the poor blind dog being tangled around a tree and breaking it in an effort to escape.
I know a good excuse when I hear one and launched myself at that particular bandwagon while putting on the 'stupid' act. I do this particularly well, make of it what you will.
So Bones and I start in with the 'I'm just a girl, I don't even know how I got here!' act while Shoshana retells the miserable story of Ember's rescue from a neglectful home and the genetic condition which left her blind.
Ranger Gord sighs, almost pops a button in the process and starts stroking his mustache then decides he can't charge a dog the $140 fine.
Unfortunately we played the stupid card too well, and as a result have to listen to another twenty minutes of safety tips and 'in my personal experience' stories from mr. mall-cop-of-the-woods while his trainee looks apologetic.
There was also in this meeting an ALMOST fracas about fishing licences; we had THREE poles and Shoshana had a licence. Thankfully the stupid act lent itself well to the 'oh we just all brought one incase, but we aren't fishing' story.
Whew.
Ranger Gord and lackey motor off into the sunset, probably out of earshot before we start high-fiving one another and cackling hysterically.
....AAaaannnd there's more (including the 'how Bones saved the drunken fisherman's boat') but I'm in need of a brownie and my fingers hurt.
Episode two later tonight.
And the creditors aren't going to break my kneecaps!
Chris and I just got back from our appointment with a credit counsellor, who basically affirmed my suspicion that they can't technically do anything TO me. The worst they can do is sue me to have my wages garnished - but without wages, that doesn't make much sense.
What I need to do is send the company a registered letter explaining that I had no income due to illness for the period the loan was unpaid, and that I intend to start making payments via a plan with the canada credit counseling center in September when I will be aqquiring a part-time job.
It won't stop them from calling me, but it will create a paper trail that proves I have taken affirmative action. That's a phrase that makes me feel better just typing it; affirmative action.
Wormwood is proactive, okay?
Camping was spectacular as usual, and with no shortage of circumstances which afforded us many opportunities for hardship. Because the tales will probably be long I'll put 'em behind the cut.
Read on for 'How Wormwood almost got Asploded', 'Ranger Gord and the Blind Dog', and other tales of interest.
We got to the park in plenty of time this year with NO automotive incidents. 'Bones got packed into the backseat with the husky, while I played navigator and Shoshana drove (mostly white knuckled).
Naturally we hit several delays, and almost got nudged off the road trying to get off Weston... but such is the nature of driving in Toronto. If you're not on steroids or some other rage inducing chemical substance, you'd be better to walk.
Anyway we hit the windy little goat-track of a road to Frontenac about noon where 'Bones and I demanded the car be stopped on a dangerous blind curve so we could harass a roadside turtle.
I might mention, it was worth the risk.
Set off for our campsite from the trail center about twelve thirty with about forty pounds of gear apeice... plus one blind husky. Any and all bears were scared off undoubtedly by the constant stream of 'Gee!' and 'Ha!' from behind us as Shoshana navigated said blind dog around trees and rocks.
Squishy going this year. In most of the low lying areas the trail was lost to great sucking muck holes, but it was a vast improvement over the squadrons of black flies circling our heads like angry electronic halos last year.
I think we got to our site about three pm, where tasks were promptly deligated. I played with the fire; that is my function on these trips it seems. I burn things, and sometimes the things I burn are edible. Sometimes.
I DID try to go swimming, however the fact that a formation of sixteen fish appeared staring with bubble-eyed enthusiasm at my naked toes kept me from going any further. Its a ridiculous phobia believe me I know, but I HATE swimming where there are fish. Particularly fish who want to try and EAT ME. Pity too, since my swim trunks are awesome.
That night the tent encompassed Shoshana, who shifted ever three seconds on her air mattress producing a horrid plastic 'SQUEEEEEAK' sound, a dog snoring loud enough to attract bullfrogs, and 'Bones doing her best darth vader impression while asleep.
You know those little camping sized propane cylinders? Shoshana in her infinite boyscout preparedness brought two along with a burner attachment that screwed into the top. So the next day we figure we'll make tea that way instead of building up and tending a huge fire in the heat of day.
It worked wonderfully. The water boiled quickly, and since we'd treated it all with iodine this year there was none of that 'wait ten minutes' crap, thank the gods.
So, with our tea steeping Shoshana turns the burner off, and begins unscrewing the fixture.
Only the burner WASN'T off.
POOF.
Flame roars down from the burner in a line and disappears into the lip of the cylinder.
And everyone freezes.
It was in this moment we realized none of us could hack it in a real crisis situation. Shoshana stood gripping the flaming HIGHLY explosive container while 'Bones and I looked stupidly from each other to Shoshana, to the flames, then back again.
Eventually Bones finds some vestige of her senses and bellows, 'THROW IT IN THE LAKE', while I stand there wondering if I could hike back to base camp carrying two shrapnel peppered bodies and a blind dog.
Shoshana blinks twice, looks from side to side then drops the can on the ground. Then picks it up again, and looks from one side to the other ONCE more (just in case some happy wood elf had popped out of the underbrush to inform us of proper procedure).
In the end, Shoshana stuck her hand INTO the flame and turned the now melted dial off all the way.
And then we all burst into laughter. You know the sort; the kind that suggests if the laugher WEREN'T laughing, they'd be bawling. Hysterical laughter, while Shoshana examines her now hairless hands and the dog looks confused.
Believe me, everything is funny when you've just come close to explosion. No more propane... ever.
Went hiking a bit around the point of land near our site the next day, where I stuffed my face full of wild blueberries. Fishing ensued nearer darkness, and I caught a three pound small mouth. Hurrah!
He was going to be dinner, however by the time we'd started to fillet him we found he was full of parasites. I felt miserably guilty for killing the poor bugger for nothing, so we chucked most of him into the woods for something else to eat.
(Note, never throw meat or blood near your campsite... unless you're us, and were hell bent on seeing a bear.)
Packed up the next day and walked a MISERABLE twenty kilometers to site seven in four hours after almost missing the trail. We decided it would be shorter to take the portage route to birch lake, where the map showed it intersected with the trail we wanted.
Only it didn't.
The trail we wanted was hidden over a hill with no markers in site.
Had lunch on the shore, where 'Bones (who did a nose dive into the trail earlier after finding a stirrup shaped root with her foot) had a little freak about a giant dock spider, whom I had to hold at bay with various sticks while wolfing down my jerky and trail mix.
I wish like HELL our map had shown us the elevation of our trail, so we'd have known we'd be going down then up a huge gorge, and over sixteen someodd steep rises. Admittedly we should have taken more breaks, but the fact we managed twenty clicks in four hours with so much gear is impressive anyway.
Stumbled into site seven, and tried not to die before the tent was set up.
Enter the screaming hooligan family.
Stop me if I'm wrong, but if you're going to take your kids back country camping where the closest thing to a luxury is the roll of sandpaper passing for toilet paper in the privvy... don't you think you'd want to teach them to enjoy the wilderness?
Maybe that's just me.
So two families complete with matching sets of screaming, failing, stone-throwing children move from their registered site across from us and take over our water access in the process.
I didn't kill anyone, or snarl or snap. I was good.
I did steal the two water guns they left there though... I consider them payment for a wholly aggrivating afternoon.
We even tried walking into the woods to get away from their noise. It was at this point they decided to boat around the point we'd walked too and start HOOTING across the lake at one another. You know that pig call they use in the cartoon version of charlotte's web? That 'suuuuuuEEE!' thing?
That's what they were doing. Across the lake.
I started picking apart branches and pinecones, while we all agreed that if they hadn't left that night we'd sneak over to their campsite and make angry bear noises, and possibly pour beaver-fever water into their containers.
Neither happened, the swiss family jerkface left that afternoon, but not before Ranger Gord and his reluctant sidekick showed up.
Earlier I had asked 'Bones to find me four green sticks to use as a grate since the firepit had none.
Wormwood learns a valuable lesson here; be specific.
What I should have said is, 'find me four green sticks that AREN'T connected to a living tree'.
Bones hacked down a sapling, and littered the campsite with greenery as a result. WHICH we knew was illegal, but honestly, one sapling less when there were scorch marks and NAILS sticking out of the trees around our site? Seemed rather insignificant. Particularly since we were supposed to have a fire grate.
Thing one in a uniform and thing two in similar dress appear in a motor boat... and I high tail it into the woods where the sound of axes are echoing as Shoshana and Bones hack up firewood. The collection of dead fallen wood for fires IS allowed, but I wasn't about to let the ranger stumble on them if they murdering trees.
Unfortunately long legged 'this-is-just-a-summer-job' teenaged ranger is right behind me. That saying from the last unicorn, 'don't run from anything immortal, it attracts their attention' holds true for anything in a uniform as well so I did my damnedest to stride purposefully without seeming as if I were fleeing the sight of an accident.
Luckily they were only hacking dead wood.
Whew.
Unfortunately we arrive back in camp with armloads of wood to find Ranger Gord (who is almost spilling out of his uniform shirt I might add. Time to add another notch to that belt my friend.) tapping a pencil against a clip board. My stomach drops into my pelvis, as he nudges some of the previously live foliage littering our site.
Shiiiiiit.
After mispronouncing Shoshana's name, and doing the 'Hmmmm' thing which all uniforms who REALLY wanted to be cops but couldn't make the cut (this guy had 'mall cop' written all over him) do when they're giving you enough rope to hang yourself with, Ranger Gord asks us how we came to have a site littered with destroyed tree.
Props to Bones on this one; she looked between us for a minute then launched into a sordid and pathetic tale of the poor blind dog being tangled around a tree and breaking it in an effort to escape.
I know a good excuse when I hear one and launched myself at that particular bandwagon while putting on the 'stupid' act. I do this particularly well, make of it what you will.
So Bones and I start in with the 'I'm just a girl, I don't even know how I got here!' act while Shoshana retells the miserable story of Ember's rescue from a neglectful home and the genetic condition which left her blind.
Ranger Gord sighs, almost pops a button in the process and starts stroking his mustache then decides he can't charge a dog the $140 fine.
Unfortunately we played the stupid card too well, and as a result have to listen to another twenty minutes of safety tips and 'in my personal experience' stories from mr. mall-cop-of-the-woods while his trainee looks apologetic.
There was also in this meeting an ALMOST fracas about fishing licences; we had THREE poles and Shoshana had a licence. Thankfully the stupid act lent itself well to the 'oh we just all brought one incase, but we aren't fishing' story.
Whew.
Ranger Gord and lackey motor off into the sunset, probably out of earshot before we start high-fiving one another and cackling hysterically.
....AAaaannnd there's more (including the 'how Bones saved the drunken fisherman's boat') but I'm in need of a brownie and my fingers hurt.
Episode two later tonight.