Rant.
I'm totally going insane. Someone who I considered my best friend just a week ago now hates my guts. Part of me feels so fucked up for what I did, and I can see how other people who see this situation from the outside might agree with that. Part of me feels so RELIEVED. This was HER affair, HER deceit, yet I was so wrapped up in it that it felt like my own. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't lie for HER anymore. I couldn't lie to two of my close friends anymore, not even for my best friend....someone who felt like my BROTHER. I love her and I still do, but this wasn't about hurting her. This was about not being able to hurt THEM anymore.
She was treating me like shit. She was being SO mean and SO hurtful, and I really did nothing to deserve it. Could she not see my loyalty to her? She could say the most fucked up shit to me and I'd still offer to take her to school the next day. I'd watch her be so sweet and loving to one girl just to leave their house and watch her say and do the same things with another girl just an hour later, neither of them knowing what kind of person she really was. My respect for her was disappearing so fast I can't even think of a metaphor for it. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to watch what I said all the time, cuz I didn't want to blow her cover. I had to listen to them both go on about how amazing she was, knowing all along how amazing she WASN'T. I was becoming disgusted with myself for lying so much. And she did it effortlessly....I still don't think she even realizes how fucked up this whole situation really is.
Yeah maybe I am an awful friend for doing what I did. You can think that, go ahead. If that's your opinion of me, go ahead and think it. Nobody is forcing you to be my friend. The truth is that Dana and Pebs are both beautiful, sweet, amazing girls and I care about them so much. More than they know. And seeing all this happen was breaking my heart. And it broke my heart to tell them this, and to tell them how much Chips and I both lied, but I couldn't watch them get played anymore. I care about them too much. I value my friendship with them too much, and friendship isn't based on lies and deceit. And I'd never ask them to lie for me about anything.
Revenge? Really...are you serious? Do you really think I'd say things to completely ruin your life just cuz you said some fucked up shit to me in the heat of the moment? You've got to be kidding me. I was used to you being an asshole to ME. You're great at hurting the people closest to you and I got used to it. I also got used to just letting it go. I didn't get used to you fooling two girls at one time though. Treat ME like shit, I can take it. Don't fuck with THEM, they don't deserve it and they don't even KNOW you're fucking with them. Why would I seek *revenge* by doing something that not only hurts you, but hurts two people I care about MORE THAN YOU?! That makes no sense you fucking selfish lying prick. Stop trying to defend yourself and your fucked up actions by turning me into the bad guy here. Fucking own up to your shit. I WAS the bad guy, I know. Guilty by association. I watched you lie to them and even lied to them myself, for you. I am not perfect and I was pretty fucked up. But the guilt drove me insane. You would have just kept doing what you were doing and thought nothing of it. That's so disgusting.
My life has become so much....happier in some ways in the past two days. I can actually tell anyone what I was doing the night before, I don't have to watch what I say to someone for fear of *blowing her cover*. I can hang out with ALL my friends all at one time, and not be afraid that someone is gonna show up who will *blow her cover*. All my friends can finally be friends with each other, cuz they're not unknowingly dating the same fucking person. It's amazing....no more lying and stressing and planning and bailing on people or anything! What a concept.
I'm sure everyone is telling you that I'm a horrible friend and you deserve better. If only they really knew.....if only you had the balls to REALLY tell them the real story. You didn't deserve someone as loyal and loving as me as a friend. I've never felt so used or walked over. So...if it's any consolation....I guess you can be happy knowing that you're not the only one hurting. Cuz you definitely managed to hurt me pretty bad.
She was treating me like shit. She was being SO mean and SO hurtful, and I really did nothing to deserve it. Could she not see my loyalty to her? She could say the most fucked up shit to me and I'd still offer to take her to school the next day. I'd watch her be so sweet and loving to one girl just to leave their house and watch her say and do the same things with another girl just an hour later, neither of them knowing what kind of person she really was. My respect for her was disappearing so fast I can't even think of a metaphor for it. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to watch what I said all the time, cuz I didn't want to blow her cover. I had to listen to them both go on about how amazing she was, knowing all along how amazing she WASN'T. I was becoming disgusted with myself for lying so much. And she did it effortlessly....I still don't think she even realizes how fucked up this whole situation really is.
Yeah maybe I am an awful friend for doing what I did. You can think that, go ahead. If that's your opinion of me, go ahead and think it. Nobody is forcing you to be my friend. The truth is that Dana and Pebs are both beautiful, sweet, amazing girls and I care about them so much. More than they know. And seeing all this happen was breaking my heart. And it broke my heart to tell them this, and to tell them how much Chips and I both lied, but I couldn't watch them get played anymore. I care about them too much. I value my friendship with them too much, and friendship isn't based on lies and deceit. And I'd never ask them to lie for me about anything.
Revenge? Really...are you serious? Do you really think I'd say things to completely ruin your life just cuz you said some fucked up shit to me in the heat of the moment? You've got to be kidding me. I was used to you being an asshole to ME. You're great at hurting the people closest to you and I got used to it. I also got used to just letting it go. I didn't get used to you fooling two girls at one time though. Treat ME like shit, I can take it. Don't fuck with THEM, they don't deserve it and they don't even KNOW you're fucking with them. Why would I seek *revenge* by doing something that not only hurts you, but hurts two people I care about MORE THAN YOU?! That makes no sense you fucking selfish lying prick. Stop trying to defend yourself and your fucked up actions by turning me into the bad guy here. Fucking own up to your shit. I WAS the bad guy, I know. Guilty by association. I watched you lie to them and even lied to them myself, for you. I am not perfect and I was pretty fucked up. But the guilt drove me insane. You would have just kept doing what you were doing and thought nothing of it. That's so disgusting.
My life has become so much....happier in some ways in the past two days. I can actually tell anyone what I was doing the night before, I don't have to watch what I say to someone for fear of *blowing her cover*. I can hang out with ALL my friends all at one time, and not be afraid that someone is gonna show up who will *blow her cover*. All my friends can finally be friends with each other, cuz they're not unknowingly dating the same fucking person. It's amazing....no more lying and stressing and planning and bailing on people or anything! What a concept.
I'm sure everyone is telling you that I'm a horrible friend and you deserve better. If only they really knew.....if only you had the balls to REALLY tell them the real story. You didn't deserve someone as loyal and loving as me as a friend. I've never felt so used or walked over. So...if it's any consolation....I guess you can be happy knowing that you're not the only one hurting. Cuz you definitely managed to hurt me pretty bad.