Forwarded emails
Quips
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me
your email address?
School 1977 V's 2007
Scenario: Jack goes fox hunting before school, pulls into school
parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his
car and gets his own rifle to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the AFP are called, Jack is hauled
off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors are
called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
buddies.
2007 - Police are called and arrest Johnny and Mark. They are charged
with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good
paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. School gets extra provincial funding because Jeffrey
has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad
gives him a whipping with his belt.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to
foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister
that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking
dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug
violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Daniel Chen fails high-school English.
1977 - Daniel goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Daniel's cause is taken up by local human rights group.
Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a
requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties groups file
class action lawsuit against provincial school system and Daniel's
English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Daniel is
given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because
he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Australia Day firecrackers, puts
them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - AFP and Special Forces are called and Johnny is charged with
domestic terrorism. ASIO investigates parents, siblings are removed
from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a
terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His
teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years
of therapy.
JACK AND JILL
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side "When I
married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my
trousers," he said.
"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on . When she did, they
were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear
them, as they were too large.
"I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family
and I always will.
"Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and
told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear
them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I
always will. I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on,"
she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your fucking attitude,
you never will."