(no subject)
I'm up at 3am for three reasons. Mainly.
1) I'm not exhausted from anything. I don't work two jobs (and being a badass sometimes counts as another one) and I haven't really left the home base. Even if I did leave the home base, it's only been to hang out with someone, and only because they could offer me a ride. The shitty weather and hardcore rain weren't all that appealing today.
2) I'm sober. Soberish, anyway.
3) I drank coffee. I forgot.
The third one was originally going to be because I have a TV. I always had one, but was using it for DVDs since i never paid for cable in oakland. But now that I'm at home, and have an HDTV and digital cable and DVR I've got all these fun things to melt my mind with.
I kinda feel like my life has fallen apart.
Maybe not fallen apart, per se. I sort of have disassembled it in the past couple weeks.
Unnerving, nonetheless.
Moving home wasn't so much of a choice but forced upon me due to parental situations and debts that must be paid back; Quitting both my jobs wasn't a choice, but forced upon me due to the lack of transportation.
It's unfortunate, to feel so defined by the things that I claimed to do as "work"--shouldn't the things that define me be the things that I do in my free time? I suppose it's because I never had much 'free-time' to begin with because of the two jobs I've juggled for the past 5 months, but I'd successfully found my niche in both of those places of business, in terms of work and in relation to others. I've accumulated a lot of coworkers (former coworkers now) in the time I've been away from those that I've considered the crew, but made a good handful of genuine friends as well.
My neighbors were dope as well, up until the Taint Holiday Party that took place on December 27. I'd never gotten any complaints, even when we were bumping James Brown at 4 in the morning, spawning an impromptu dance party. The Second Annual Dinner Party (haha i'm so lame) ended up pulling in 5 phone calls to the company, and an angry call from the Lapham Company, telling me that my landlord was pissed that he had to clean up vomit. I honestly don't think anyone was that faded that night, anyway.
But aside from that, I had two apartments in the building that I could go to if I was in dire need of some company. Various schedules often made it difficult to plan things, but being able to walk up or down one floor for some top notch smoking company was often the case, and I'd always leave in a delightfully satisfied, calmer state of mind. Bottles of wine and Blunts were often the weapon of choice, and slightly stumbling up one flight or down the other and along the hall is not a bad battle to fight. I met a lot of cool people through them, as well. I'd finally gotten comfortable in that apartment. The first year of me living there involved me waking up at ass early hours and driving to Newark to work. I'd probably stop in Hayward or San Leandro on the way back, and make it back to Oakland to pass out. The few months after March and before June involved me working a few hours a week, and spending the rest of my time in San Leandro or Hayward or Newark ingesting a combination of Alcohol and various other enhancers or psychadelics. The last 5 or 6 months involved me smoking as much as possible in the few hours I had between the two jobs I've come to find myself in. And then passing out from sheer exhaustion or alcohol consumption at the end of the day...even if that meant it was 6am.
Ahh, Ignorance.
Maybe it would be easier to deal with if I didn't know I brought this situation on myself, through direct or indirect actions. I mean I go back and forth from blaming the situation for being what it is, and thanking the opportunity for a clean slate- new beginnings are refreshing, after all. I just have to keep telling myself that this is an opportunity for growth. This is the chance I've been wanting to plan out the restaurant and fulfill dreams, this is me being able to finally break free from the bonds at work that were tied around me so tightly because of... I guess because I pulled the tourniquet that tightly.
I think what I'm feeling is called, "scared shitless".
And it might be stupid to consider it as such, as the situation could actually be looked at in a very positive light, but it wasn't easy to find comfort in two very physically and mentally demanding jobs. I knew what I had to offer, I knew how to place myself, and I knew where I was in relation to everyone else. And Plus, Everyone Liked Me. What if people don't like me at my new job? I've been lucky so far, I've only had one negative altercation with a co-worker at max's, and even then the entire spat didn't last more than two minutes.
ummmm...
Okay, I think I'm done bitching for the moment.
I've dwelled on the negative enough, and now I feel like it's time to focus on the positive shit. The thoughts that will manifest, the dreams that will be fulfilled, and the voice that will be heard.
Or something.
its 4:21 now. Goodnight.
1) I'm not exhausted from anything. I don't work two jobs (and being a badass sometimes counts as another one) and I haven't really left the home base. Even if I did leave the home base, it's only been to hang out with someone, and only because they could offer me a ride. The shitty weather and hardcore rain weren't all that appealing today.
2) I'm sober. Soberish, anyway.
3) I drank coffee. I forgot.
The third one was originally going to be because I have a TV. I always had one, but was using it for DVDs since i never paid for cable in oakland. But now that I'm at home, and have an HDTV and digital cable and DVR I've got all these fun things to melt my mind with.
I kinda feel like my life has fallen apart.
Maybe not fallen apart, per se. I sort of have disassembled it in the past couple weeks.
Unnerving, nonetheless.
Moving home wasn't so much of a choice but forced upon me due to parental situations and debts that must be paid back; Quitting both my jobs wasn't a choice, but forced upon me due to the lack of transportation.
It's unfortunate, to feel so defined by the things that I claimed to do as "work"--shouldn't the things that define me be the things that I do in my free time? I suppose it's because I never had much 'free-time' to begin with because of the two jobs I've juggled for the past 5 months, but I'd successfully found my niche in both of those places of business, in terms of work and in relation to others. I've accumulated a lot of coworkers (former coworkers now) in the time I've been away from those that I've considered the crew, but made a good handful of genuine friends as well.
My neighbors were dope as well, up until the Taint Holiday Party that took place on December 27. I'd never gotten any complaints, even when we were bumping James Brown at 4 in the morning, spawning an impromptu dance party. The Second Annual Dinner Party (haha i'm so lame) ended up pulling in 5 phone calls to the company, and an angry call from the Lapham Company, telling me that my landlord was pissed that he had to clean up vomit. I honestly don't think anyone was that faded that night, anyway.
But aside from that, I had two apartments in the building that I could go to if I was in dire need of some company. Various schedules often made it difficult to plan things, but being able to walk up or down one floor for some top notch smoking company was often the case, and I'd always leave in a delightfully satisfied, calmer state of mind. Bottles of wine and Blunts were often the weapon of choice, and slightly stumbling up one flight or down the other and along the hall is not a bad battle to fight. I met a lot of cool people through them, as well. I'd finally gotten comfortable in that apartment. The first year of me living there involved me waking up at ass early hours and driving to Newark to work. I'd probably stop in Hayward or San Leandro on the way back, and make it back to Oakland to pass out. The few months after March and before June involved me working a few hours a week, and spending the rest of my time in San Leandro or Hayward or Newark ingesting a combination of Alcohol and various other enhancers or psychadelics. The last 5 or 6 months involved me smoking as much as possible in the few hours I had between the two jobs I've come to find myself in. And then passing out from sheer exhaustion or alcohol consumption at the end of the day...even if that meant it was 6am.
Ahh, Ignorance.
Maybe it would be easier to deal with if I didn't know I brought this situation on myself, through direct or indirect actions. I mean I go back and forth from blaming the situation for being what it is, and thanking the opportunity for a clean slate- new beginnings are refreshing, after all. I just have to keep telling myself that this is an opportunity for growth. This is the chance I've been wanting to plan out the restaurant and fulfill dreams, this is me being able to finally break free from the bonds at work that were tied around me so tightly because of... I guess because I pulled the tourniquet that tightly.
I think what I'm feeling is called, "scared shitless".
And it might be stupid to consider it as such, as the situation could actually be looked at in a very positive light, but it wasn't easy to find comfort in two very physically and mentally demanding jobs. I knew what I had to offer, I knew how to place myself, and I knew where I was in relation to everyone else. And Plus, Everyone Liked Me. What if people don't like me at my new job? I've been lucky so far, I've only had one negative altercation with a co-worker at max's, and even then the entire spat didn't last more than two minutes.
ummmm...
Okay, I think I'm done bitching for the moment.
I've dwelled on the negative enough, and now I feel like it's time to focus on the positive shit. The thoughts that will manifest, the dreams that will be fulfilled, and the voice that will be heard.
Or something.
its 4:21 now. Goodnight.