While waiting for my shower water to get hot, I imagined killing myself and then writing 'forgive me' on the wall of the shower in my blood. What's wrong with me?
Re: Forgive me for stating the obvious...stabeestJanuary 21 2010, 07:41:19 UTC
I agree with this. I know you guys are struggling with finances right now, but if you can get a doctor to help with treatment, DO IT.
I had post-partum depression for much Aly's first year. I would have these elaborate fantasies of killing myself and how I would do it. Some days the only thing that stopped me was looking at my sweet little baby. I cried CONSTANTLY and if something went wrong, even something little like stubbing my toe or forgetting where I put my keys down, I would have panic attacks.
I never got treatment for it. I had myself convinced it was just the hormones and things would straighten themselves out. They did, but I feel like I missed out on the delight of having a baby for those first ten months because I just couldn't get a handle on the depression. I don't think first time mothers get a lot of information about PPD and, when we do get info, it is laced subtly with this whole tone of "you just had this beautiful baby, why can't you just be happy about it".
I know a lot of what help me was Alyssa starting to sleep through the night. Sleep deprivation is a whore and I was horribly jealous of my sister because both her kids slept through the night at 1 month old. Aly didn't sleep through the night until she was almost a year old. And I remember the first time she did, I woke after six hours and was terrified that she was dead.
I also wrote in a journal, which help me pinpoint a lot of WHY I was so majorly depressed. Mine came from having pretty much a horribly traumatizing birth and not being able to talk about it because every said, "Oh, but the baby is safe, so everything worked out for the best." And then I would go home and cry because I felt like I was broken because I could not just get over it.
Regardless, had I known then what I know now, I would have went to the doctor and asked for some meds to help me handle things WHILE I was trying to sort things out about the birth and everything. Just so I could be happy with my baby.
Re: Forgive me for stating the obvious...the_uncandyJanuary 22 2010, 13:15:16 UTC
Sometimes I feel like I don't want her. Sometimes I want to leave her here with Jayson and just take off. I know what this is, but I don't have insurance and I don't have medicaid, and I pretty much have nowhere to turn. Living here is making it harder because my parenting is being tested by my in-law's, my ability to do what I want when I want is limited - to the point that I feel seventeen again - and my marriage is crumbling. Then there's the dog that shits in my room and eats my cat's shit, the cat that makes my cats scream and his, the brother-in-law who thinks the world revolves around him and that us living here is just a convenient way to get better electronics.. and a husband that isn't with me in the 'let's gtfo of here asap.'
Re: Forgive me for stating the obvious...the_uncandyJanuary 27 2010, 13:09:55 UTC
Yeah. Finances led us here, thinking we'd be able to take some time and pay off some things. Then they pulled the rug out from under us. They're selling this house and moving, so we need to have a place by May. Would never have left our apartment if we knew this was coming.
I had post-partum depression for much Aly's first year. I would have these elaborate fantasies of killing myself and how I would do it. Some days the only thing that stopped me was looking at my sweet little baby. I cried CONSTANTLY and if something went wrong, even something little like stubbing my toe or forgetting where I put my keys down, I would have panic attacks.
I never got treatment for it. I had myself convinced it was just the hormones and things would straighten themselves out. They did, but I feel like I missed out on the delight of having a baby for those first ten months because I just couldn't get a handle on the depression. I don't think first time mothers get a lot of information about PPD and, when we do get info, it is laced subtly with this whole tone of "you just had this beautiful baby, why can't you just be happy about it".
I know a lot of what help me was Alyssa starting to sleep through the night. Sleep deprivation is a whore and I was horribly jealous of my sister because both her kids slept through the night at 1 month old. Aly didn't sleep through the night until she was almost a year old. And I remember the first time she did, I woke after six hours and was terrified that she was dead.
I also wrote in a journal, which help me pinpoint a lot of WHY I was so majorly depressed. Mine came from having pretty much a horribly traumatizing birth and not being able to talk about it because every said, "Oh, but the baby is safe, so everything worked out for the best." And then I would go home and cry because I felt like I was broken because I could not just get over it.
Regardless, had I known then what I know now, I would have went to the doctor and asked for some meds to help me handle things WHILE I was trying to sort things out about the birth and everything. Just so I could be happy with my baby.
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