Quick dinner.
I've been putting things on ignore because I'm stressed. Just over dinner, just thinking about what I just wrote just made my stomach tense and has my mind racing. I guess I shouldn't be hurt by all this stuff by this point but.. yea, it hurts. It's what's been eating away at me. My dad thinks I had the flu friday. I think it was my body telling me to stop ignoring it and take a load off. I've started thinking about really bad shit while I was out driving at work. The only thing that kept me from bursting into tears was listening to some music to distract me. I keep getting to these points where it starts twisting me inside into wanting things I shouldn't. I'm not intending to sound like a drama queen, but last week I really wanted to cut myself. I've never done it. I've never wanted to. In fact I've even bashed (albeit rather immaturely) people who do.. but it felt like it was the only thing that would work like a release for me.
I thought about Halloween a lot. I considered dressing up as The Joker but.. I honestly think if I had gone out and done that I would have lost it. Whenever I have time to sit and think it's like there's something beating up against it's cage inside my head trying to get out. I know I'm pent up. Some nights I just feel like screaming until my throat bleeds. Is it really just women? But that begs to question whether or not I can say "just women" candidly.
My other problem is sex. As soon as I'm sincere something kicks into gear and the first thing I can think of doing is just relieving the tension. It's like a drug that keeps getting in the way of me from doing anything. I can silence it for a short time.. but within hours it seems the need strikes back. It keeps ruining everything I try to start building. I can't just date someone and NOT do something. God knows I want to. I don't want to be that horny asshole who they keep getting. I want to be something better. I want to be different. It just gets me into the same rut which is where I'm at. And like everything else it's just banging around inside my head wanting to get out. But what can I do? I mean, really, can someone please tell me how to stop this? I want to be normal. I want a girl to respect me and I want the ability to treat them with the respect they deserve but it keeps digging at me. As soon as it happens.. I'm fine. I don't want it. I'm not the same person I was. But the urge just keeps coming back.
So in a nutshell.. yea, I'm pent up. Been having some issues.
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
I thought about Halloween a lot. I considered dressing up as The Joker but.. I honestly think if I had gone out and done that I would have lost it. Whenever I have time to sit and think it's like there's something beating up against it's cage inside my head trying to get out. I know I'm pent up. Some nights I just feel like screaming until my throat bleeds. Is it really just women? But that begs to question whether or not I can say "just women" candidly.
My other problem is sex. As soon as I'm sincere something kicks into gear and the first thing I can think of doing is just relieving the tension. It's like a drug that keeps getting in the way of me from doing anything. I can silence it for a short time.. but within hours it seems the need strikes back. It keeps ruining everything I try to start building. I can't just date someone and NOT do something. God knows I want to. I don't want to be that horny asshole who they keep getting. I want to be something better. I want to be different. It just gets me into the same rut which is where I'm at. And like everything else it's just banging around inside my head wanting to get out. But what can I do? I mean, really, can someone please tell me how to stop this? I want to be normal. I want a girl to respect me and I want the ability to treat them with the respect they deserve but it keeps digging at me. As soon as it happens.. I'm fine. I don't want it. I'm not the same person I was. But the urge just keeps coming back.
So in a nutshell.. yea, I'm pent up. Been having some issues.
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."