Ruminations
I have come to the inevitable conclusion that I think too much. And it unfortunately is a major detriment for any relationship in which I get involved. I wish sometimes that my brain wasn't nearly as functional as it is, maybe that might provide me with some sort of peace.
I spoke to Leigh last night. She seems concerned that I am going to end up an old maid with kids. Never getting married. Just...alone. With my spawn. (Nevermind I shudder at the thought of marriage and children.) Granted, I do come from a rather uber-conservative lot, which probably doesn't shock too many people who are familiar with my idiosyncracies, but honestly, is it such a big thing anymore in a society such as today's when a young unwed couple decides to co-habitate? Didn't think so. By the way my folks talk, you'd think that somehow the apocalypse had snuck up when we weren't looking. Yes, I am almost 24 (gulp), and have NO plans on getting married in the near future. By some freak circumstance, I am extremely commitment phobic. Not normal for women, I suppose, but when you really think about it, forever is a pretty hefty chunk of time to be staring at one person's mug from across the kitchen table. Even the rest of one's natural life is pretty long.
"That's why there's divorce!" Umm, going to go with a rather vehement "no" on that one. If by some reason I get another concussion and am thereby tricked into marriage, it is going to have to be forever. Make no mistake, if he screws up royally, I am very good at making someone miserable. Had a knack for it (according to Mum) since I was in utero. If I make a commitment of that level, I'm not going to shirk it off.
It just gets harder and harder for me to come up with excuses as to why I am not engaged. A bunch of my college lot have (or are in process of) getting married, which I can easily push an explanation that there's an inconvenience of money, time, etc. on the fact that I am trying to be there for my friends. It only goes so far, and I seem to have hit a point where there isn't anything much on the horizon as far as upcoming weddings. (It's still weird, friends of mine getting married. Uch. And soon they'll be having children. I think I feel faint.) Sooner or later I am just going to have to come out and say it: I'm not engaged, and probably won't be any time in the forseeable future. It's not him, it's me.
Of course, he's getting older, too. Cripes, I really did myself in with this one. He's mentioned the subject, but only when we are AT a wedding, so I have a little bit of time. I just don't know what the Hell I am going to do when he is looking for permanence. And of course, he wants kids to carry on his name....God, what have I done? I have nasty chills racing up and down my spine just thinking about it. Screw the horror movies, the scariest thing for me is marriage. I guess that is why I can't sit through so many chick flicks.
In the end, I guess I have to fess up and admit that I am downright neurotic about certain things. There's maybe a few things I fear worse than the whole marriage/kids thing, but it's definitely top five. Right behind hypodermic needles.
I spoke to Leigh last night. She seems concerned that I am going to end up an old maid with kids. Never getting married. Just...alone. With my spawn. (Nevermind I shudder at the thought of marriage and children.) Granted, I do come from a rather uber-conservative lot, which probably doesn't shock too many people who are familiar with my idiosyncracies, but honestly, is it such a big thing anymore in a society such as today's when a young unwed couple decides to co-habitate? Didn't think so. By the way my folks talk, you'd think that somehow the apocalypse had snuck up when we weren't looking. Yes, I am almost 24 (gulp), and have NO plans on getting married in the near future. By some freak circumstance, I am extremely commitment phobic. Not normal for women, I suppose, but when you really think about it, forever is a pretty hefty chunk of time to be staring at one person's mug from across the kitchen table. Even the rest of one's natural life is pretty long.
"That's why there's divorce!" Umm, going to go with a rather vehement "no" on that one. If by some reason I get another concussion and am thereby tricked into marriage, it is going to have to be forever. Make no mistake, if he screws up royally, I am very good at making someone miserable. Had a knack for it (according to Mum) since I was in utero. If I make a commitment of that level, I'm not going to shirk it off.
It just gets harder and harder for me to come up with excuses as to why I am not engaged. A bunch of my college lot have (or are in process of) getting married, which I can easily push an explanation that there's an inconvenience of money, time, etc. on the fact that I am trying to be there for my friends. It only goes so far, and I seem to have hit a point where there isn't anything much on the horizon as far as upcoming weddings. (It's still weird, friends of mine getting married. Uch. And soon they'll be having children. I think I feel faint.) Sooner or later I am just going to have to come out and say it: I'm not engaged, and probably won't be any time in the forseeable future. It's not him, it's me.
Of course, he's getting older, too. Cripes, I really did myself in with this one. He's mentioned the subject, but only when we are AT a wedding, so I have a little bit of time. I just don't know what the Hell I am going to do when he is looking for permanence. And of course, he wants kids to carry on his name....God, what have I done? I have nasty chills racing up and down my spine just thinking about it. Screw the horror movies, the scariest thing for me is marriage. I guess that is why I can't sit through so many chick flicks.
In the end, I guess I have to fess up and admit that I am downright neurotic about certain things. There's maybe a few things I fear worse than the whole marriage/kids thing, but it's definitely top five. Right behind hypodermic needles.