Introspections and Friends
You know it’s weird. I have a very few friends in the area. I have a few people I met working at Anteon/GDIT that both want to be my friend and that I do not loathe for being airheads or incompetent. Yet when I consider calling someone so I have company, I hesitate. Now I've tried to consider why I hesitate and decide against calling my friends. I suppose partly it's because I no longer find an interest in repeating the goings on in my life for attention and sympathy. I suppose partly it’s that I have enough drama in my life that I find it hard to listen to, relate to and care about someone else’s' drama, this in mind I don't want to put myself in an obvious position of show off how bad a friend I am. I say it that way because a good friend should care about the drama in someone else’s' life despite how much they themselves are going through. And I find myself belittling the hardship of the people I care about when comparing it to my own... and then being completely disgusted with myself. So am I a cynic now? Am I selfish now, when I spent so much of my life caring about others first? Am I more messed up than I thought? Am I self righteous? And if so, why? What’s going on? What happened to my endless patience? When did it end? What happened to my unfathomable selflessness? Did I hit rock bottom? Do I have an acceptable reason for having become an uncaring person? What's an acceptable reason? I'm just barely over 25, isn't it too soon to be this interested in becoming a recluse? AM I an uncaring person now? I don't want to be. How do I know anymore?
To my friends... Well as Nuriko is the only one of my friends I know not through Hentai who reads this, to Nuriko: I seem to have forgotten the right way to communicate and I'm sorry for falling out of touch. It is nothing personal felt towards you, in fact I often speak of you to co-workers and "debate partners" fondly and with great gusto and pride. To my friends met through Hentai, also nothing personal. It just seems that many of you have as much of a knack for staying in contact as I do. And often I feel my drama is overshadowed by yours, yet I don't feel better about my life because of it, just less worthwhile on the "needs attention" meter. Supposedly people find happiness, even affirmation in other's pain when compared to their own. Oddly I feel like less of a person when my problems are so much less than others and yet central to my focus. I bet that makes no sense at all. How does one say they care but don't care? How does one make that make sense? Even to myself it makes no fucking sense. Is there such a thing as emotional burnout maybe? And if so, how long does it last? Why would I reach it now and not when I was with Magus? Is it because my dad finally made the split between him and mom permanent? Is it because I have reached an unexpected level of disdain for my brother G, yet he suddenly actually wants my input on his life? Is it because of my recent conversion to atheism, even though I can't spell it? Or have I just pushed down my human side that far and let it up only for certain people?....
OK now I'm getting really depressed so I'm going to stop typing and thinking about it.
To my friends... Well as Nuriko is the only one of my friends I know not through Hentai who reads this, to Nuriko: I seem to have forgotten the right way to communicate and I'm sorry for falling out of touch. It is nothing personal felt towards you, in fact I often speak of you to co-workers and "debate partners" fondly and with great gusto and pride. To my friends met through Hentai, also nothing personal. It just seems that many of you have as much of a knack for staying in contact as I do. And often I feel my drama is overshadowed by yours, yet I don't feel better about my life because of it, just less worthwhile on the "needs attention" meter. Supposedly people find happiness, even affirmation in other's pain when compared to their own. Oddly I feel like less of a person when my problems are so much less than others and yet central to my focus. I bet that makes no sense at all. How does one say they care but don't care? How does one make that make sense? Even to myself it makes no fucking sense. Is there such a thing as emotional burnout maybe? And if so, how long does it last? Why would I reach it now and not when I was with Magus? Is it because my dad finally made the split between him and mom permanent? Is it because I have reached an unexpected level of disdain for my brother G, yet he suddenly actually wants my input on his life? Is it because of my recent conversion to atheism, even though I can't spell it? Or have I just pushed down my human side that far and let it up only for certain people?....
OK now I'm getting really depressed so I'm going to stop typing and thinking about it.