While waiting on the laundry...
So what is it? Really, what is faith? Some vain attempt by a over-clocked primate processor to be able to cope with the world around them? Why are there so many differences?
There is a young man that I've been talking to. Someone I'm very interested in, and in an effort to get to know him and see what makes him tick, I asked questions about his faith and what he believed. His beliefs, while Christian and simple, he expressed them well, and I found them to be quite beautiful. He even recommended a book for me, and I plan on reading it.
The course of the conversation though caused me to cast a critical eye on what I believe. I was never able to muster the kind of faith that he...and several other people I know have, in Christianity.
Yet...I've been rejected before because of my faith.
He has been one of the nicest men I've met. There is that hope that maybe it'll work out. But there is that faith issue again. I know people who have Wiccan and that have Christian spouses. Hell, I know a couple where the women is a Wiccan High Priestess of a coven and her husband is from Lebanon and Christian. They've made it work.
Love is the supreme Law of the Universe and even us Witches in the end have to answer to that. Because without Love, there can't be any reason for our humanity. It hurts to realize that my beliefs have changed a lot over the past few months, to the point I have to re-discover what they are. It hurts to think that, that might be the reason why so many think I'm good enough to fuck...but not to make their partner...or am I just suffering from heartache and lovesickness? Is that really a part of personal growth? Or is my desire to stop being alone and finally have my true love the driving force behind this? To change myself into something acceptable? Acceptable by whose standards? Mine?
When you allow yourself to be open to someone, that is trusting them. When you decide to put yourself in a position to quite possibly begin to love someone, that is placing yourself at the other person's mercy. When you do love someone and it's mutual, you work together to find common ground on things that are sticking points. And you compromise, when you find subjects that do nothing but set the other on fire. You skirt them, unless the other brings it up first in an attempt to work through it. When love is present, it doesn't matter how badly the mirror is cracked, you work together to make a new mirror.
Why is this rock stuck in my craw? Because most of whom I've been attracted to, have been Christian. I've learned over the years to trust my gut instincts on people...learned the hard way, a few times last year to not ignore them. When all I want to do is dance the most ancient of dances and that of love and life with someone, is wrong of me to look at myself and realize that something that was my only light through some of the darkest times of my life, might be what's keeping me alone? That I'm actually considering something that made my personal darkness darker at several points?
Perhaps it wouldn't this time. Perhaps it would indeed help me become stronger...but make me attractive as a mate for whoever the hell it is that I'm supposed to be with in this life? Hence why I'm looking at this so critically. What are my reasons for questioning my faith? Is it because of the over-whelming presence of middle-school and high-school mentalities?
Is it because I don't practice it the "right" way? I've never danced naked under a full moon, I've never cast a circle for my magick. I've lit candles, broken tooth picks, burned incense and sage and have prayed. I have been on my knees several times, crying my eyes out begging my gods and goddesses for guidance and strength. For the courage to stay open and not shut down when I hurt on the inside. When I've had to fight with myself over choices and decisions that I may never know if they were the right ones.
And when I do make a choice that was right for me, that makes things snap into alignment...I find that I can't tell if I'm growing...or changing to become more appealing to a potential partner.
When all I have to give is myself, my love, my oath and loyalty (after some very painful lessons)...is it really ever going to be enough? Or have I danced barefoot with the earth for so long that I've forgotten how to be with my own race?
There is a young man that I've been talking to. Someone I'm very interested in, and in an effort to get to know him and see what makes him tick, I asked questions about his faith and what he believed. His beliefs, while Christian and simple, he expressed them well, and I found them to be quite beautiful. He even recommended a book for me, and I plan on reading it.
The course of the conversation though caused me to cast a critical eye on what I believe. I was never able to muster the kind of faith that he...and several other people I know have, in Christianity.
Yet...I've been rejected before because of my faith.
He has been one of the nicest men I've met. There is that hope that maybe it'll work out. But there is that faith issue again. I know people who have Wiccan and that have Christian spouses. Hell, I know a couple where the women is a Wiccan High Priestess of a coven and her husband is from Lebanon and Christian. They've made it work.
Love is the supreme Law of the Universe and even us Witches in the end have to answer to that. Because without Love, there can't be any reason for our humanity. It hurts to realize that my beliefs have changed a lot over the past few months, to the point I have to re-discover what they are. It hurts to think that, that might be the reason why so many think I'm good enough to fuck...but not to make their partner...or am I just suffering from heartache and lovesickness? Is that really a part of personal growth? Or is my desire to stop being alone and finally have my true love the driving force behind this? To change myself into something acceptable? Acceptable by whose standards? Mine?
When you allow yourself to be open to someone, that is trusting them. When you decide to put yourself in a position to quite possibly begin to love someone, that is placing yourself at the other person's mercy. When you do love someone and it's mutual, you work together to find common ground on things that are sticking points. And you compromise, when you find subjects that do nothing but set the other on fire. You skirt them, unless the other brings it up first in an attempt to work through it. When love is present, it doesn't matter how badly the mirror is cracked, you work together to make a new mirror.
Why is this rock stuck in my craw? Because most of whom I've been attracted to, have been Christian. I've learned over the years to trust my gut instincts on people...learned the hard way, a few times last year to not ignore them. When all I want to do is dance the most ancient of dances and that of love and life with someone, is wrong of me to look at myself and realize that something that was my only light through some of the darkest times of my life, might be what's keeping me alone? That I'm actually considering something that made my personal darkness darker at several points?
Perhaps it wouldn't this time. Perhaps it would indeed help me become stronger...but make me attractive as a mate for whoever the hell it is that I'm supposed to be with in this life? Hence why I'm looking at this so critically. What are my reasons for questioning my faith? Is it because of the over-whelming presence of middle-school and high-school mentalities?
Is it because I don't practice it the "right" way? I've never danced naked under a full moon, I've never cast a circle for my magick. I've lit candles, broken tooth picks, burned incense and sage and have prayed. I have been on my knees several times, crying my eyes out begging my gods and goddesses for guidance and strength. For the courage to stay open and not shut down when I hurt on the inside. When I've had to fight with myself over choices and decisions that I may never know if they were the right ones.
And when I do make a choice that was right for me, that makes things snap into alignment...I find that I can't tell if I'm growing...or changing to become more appealing to a potential partner.
When all I have to give is myself, my love, my oath and loyalty (after some very painful lessons)...is it really ever going to be enough? Or have I danced barefoot with the earth for so long that I've forgotten how to be with my own race?