Drowing my sorrows...
Do you realize that Im not retarded and can figure shit out on my own? Im so tired of waiting around for you to talk to me all the time. And the thing that kills me is that I would do it all over again. I would go through hell again if it meant that you would be there with me. I thought everything was going to be fine, but these past months have been far from it. Ive tried everything in my power to move on, and no one seems to be making it any easier. I try to talk to you all about it but you really dont know where I am coming from when I say i still need him. Not one of you knows what it was really like when we were alone. And I put so much of my life into it, getting only pain in return. All I did was care, is that what everyone considers "clingy"? And all the people who talk to him blame me and I guess all I can do is blame myself. I just want to be happy. I have changed my life, i am trying to cheer and be happy. I tried going to the gym and going tanning, but nothing has seemed to work yet. Maybe I am just a hopeless case. I wanted to have fun this weekend, only to have it be one big joke. He's never listened to my side, and this is the only place I can put it hoping he'd might see it. Part of me wants to let go, but its like i mentally cant do it. I dont know why i think that there might be a chance of him coming back, so all I can do is keep wishing I guess. Last night it was like nothing was wrong, but we couldnt even look at eachother. I dunno, I hope I get some luck in the future cuz he's the only thing that seemed to make me happy. Maybe someday he'll realize he needs me just as much as I need him in my life right now. Ive changed so much, I dont want to have such a serious thing, i mean he works, I am attempting to have a life haha, and I just want someone to have fun with. You really dont know what you've got till its gone. Hopefully this clears up why I was in such a bad mood last night. Hell, maybe it won't, but I just wanted to write what i know no one wants to hear but what is really on my mind. If you read this all, i applaude you. And I dont want you to comment if its gonna be, "Lauren, get over him and move on", cuz its not as easy as it seems when I liked him as much as I did and kinda still do.
P.S. My first cheering gig is friday @ wachusett , i wanna all you there to cheer my cheering skills on.