this is what happens if you're under 18, gay, and live in memphis
So first, I hope everyone's enjoying the lovely weather and sunshine. I love when it's 80 degrees :)
But anyway, I was bored on the internet and I came across this set of rules for a refuge program in Tennessee where parents send their gay children to get straight. The rules don't seem too bad at first, just kind of restrictive, but keep reading. They quickly begin to border on mind control. What's terrible is that this place exists, and parents actually send their children to it. There are a lot of rules, so I'll put them in an lj-cut. Here is a preview though:
1. LIA wants to encourage each client, male and female, by
affirming his/her gender identity. LIA also wants each client
to pursue integrity in all of his/her actions and appearances.
Therefore, any belongings, appearances, clothing, actions, or
humor that might connect a client to an inappropriate past are
excluded from the program. These hindrances are called False
Images (FI¹s). FI behavior may include hyper-masculinity,
seductive clothing, mannish/boyish attire (on women),
excessive jewelry (on men), mascoting, and "campy" or
gay/lesbian behavior and talk.
It's a commitment to read all of them, but I promise it's amusing as hell.
Sobriety
One of the core functions of the Refuge is the common
pursuit of corporate sobriety from sin. The program strives to
perpetuate a safe environment that is ripe for growth and for
hearing from God. The sobriety of each individual is a key focus.
1. No smoking, alcohol, drugs, or inappropriate use of
over-the-counter medications. All prescription drugs and
over-the-counter medications must be left in the care of a
parent or guardian, who will administer them when necessary.
Refuge clients may not have prescription or over-the-counter
drugs in their possession at any time, exceptions by C.O.C.
approval only.
2. No sexual/emotional misconduct. Any temptations,
fantasies, or dreams are to be presented to one¹s staff worker
only. Sexual misconduct includes viewing pornography, visiting
an adult bookstore, emotional dependency, voyeurism, stalking,
masturbation, mutual masturbation, or any form of genital or
sexual contact with another person. Sexual temptation, as well
as the above, is not to be discussed between clients. This
includes MI's (Moral Inventories) written on current sexual
struggles or temptations).
3. No hugging or physical touch between clients. Brief
handshakes or a brief affirmative hand on a shoulder is
allowed (exception is when observed by therapeutic
accountability).
4. Clients are to remain within the ³safe zone² while in
the program. This "zone" is illustrated on a map of the
Memphis area in the office. An exception is for clients who
reside or are staying outside the safe zone, and commuting to
the Love in Action campus.
Hygiene
Small unhealthy habits can either reflect or lead to
dysfunctional, life-controlling habits. Attention to the
details of daily lifestyle is a pivotal aspect of residential
recovery.
1. All clients must maintain appropriate hygiene,
including daily showering, use of deodorant, and brushing
teeth twice daily.
Men: Men must remove all facial hair seven days weekly,
and sideburns must not fall below the top of the ear (the top
of the ear is defined as where the ear meets the face
below the temple). Clean business-like haircuts must be worn
at all
times. Hair must be long enough to be pinched between two
fingers.
Women: Women must shave legs and underarms at least twice
weekly.
All: Only natural hair color is allowed. Hair that is
colored, highlighted or streaked, mut be dyed back to its
original color, or the color must be cut out before entrance
into the Refuge program.
2. Attire: General
Modesty is expected. No tight, provocative, or suggestive
clothing or spandex may be worn. No provocative or
suggestive mannerisms are permitted. Fresh undergarments
are to be worn at all times. Boxer shorts of any kind are
considered underwear and are not to be worn as outer
clothing. All clients must be dressed appropriately in clean,
unwrinkled clothes when leaving the house for the day. Men
may not wear any jewelry (other than a watch and a wedding
band) unless approved through a C.O.C. In addition to a watch
and wedding band, women may also wear a pair of simple
earrings (one earring per ear.) The clients may not wear
Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein brand clothing,
undergarments, or accessories.
Men: Shirts are to be worn at all times, even while
sleeping. T-shirts without sleeves are not permitted at any time,
whether worn as an outer garment or an undergarment. This
includes ³muscle shirts² or other tank-tops. Bikini-style
underwear is prohibited.
Women: Bras must be worn at all times, except while
sleeping. Thong-style underwear is prohibited.
Attire: LIA Campus
In addition to the General Attire above, the following
items apply. No torn, ragged, or stained clothing is to be worn at
any time while on campus. Monday through Thursday, clients
must wear pants, a clean shirt, and shoes or sandals with
socks. Jeans and a nice t-shirt are acceptable. On Friday,
clients may wear clean, knee-length khaki or denim-style shorts.
No athletic or excessively baggy shorts may be worn on
campus at any time. No hats, jackets, or overcoats are to be
worn on campus
Women: In addition to these guidelines, women may also
wear skirts which fall at or below the knee. Women may wear
tank-tops only if they are worn with an over-blouse. Women
may wear open-toed shoes or women¹s dress sandals
without socks. Bras must be worn at all times, except
while sleeping. Sports bras may only be worn while working out.
No sleeveless blouses may be worn. All blouses and
t-shirts must fit modestly (not extremely tight).
3. No cologne, perfume, or use of other highly scented
hygiene products.
Therapeutic & Staff Issues
A goal of the Source is to be purposeful and strategic in
order to help clients pursue growth and transformation. The
principles below are common elements of this plan.
1. HONESTY AT ALL TIMES.
2. IF IN DOUBT, DON¹T. ASK FIRST.
3. All clients are expected to memorize the Program
Expectations as they summarize the spirit and heart of the
rules of Love in Action.
4. All Refuge program members must complete four MI's
(Moral Inventories) per week unless otherwise instructed.
Detailed instruction on writing MI¹s will be provided within
the first few days of beginning the program.
5. Refuge clients will be prepared to give an Introduction
(³Intro²) at every Intro Rap. Detailed instruction on giving
an intro will be provided within the first few days of the
program.
6. To make special requests of the staff or inform the
staff of something (e.g. asking permission to leave the safe
zone for some reason, informing the staff of a breach in
program rules, etc.), Refuge clients must communicate
appropriately. This means filling out a Chain of Command
(C.O.C.) form. All C.O.C.¹s must be signed by the Refuge
client¹s parent or guardian before being submitted to a staff
member, or the C.O.C. will be returned with no answer. All
C.O.C.¹s must be concise and not ³story tell² or ³whine.² Such
will be returned with no reply.
7. No continuing education while in the program.
Home-school Refuge clients may be allowed to continue their
studies during the program, pending approval by LIA staff.
6. Refuge clients and their parents/guardians are required
to attend Love in Action¹s host church, Germantown Baptist
Church, on Sunday mornings. More information about GBC can be
found online at www.gbconline.net.
7. Parents and guardians are expected to attend the
Friends and Family support group on Thursday nights from 7:00
p.m. to 8:30 p.m., held at the Love in Action campus. Refuge
clients will be supervised during this time by a Love in
Action staff member.
8. Refuge clients and their parents/guardians are expected
to attend Love in Action¹s Open Meetings whenever they occur,
held on the first Tuesday of every month at Kirby Woods
Baptist Church at 7:30 p.m.
9. Refuge clients are expected to maintain a committed
pursuit of a positive and thankful attitude.
10. Absolutely no journaling or keeping a diary outside of
the MI process unless directed or approved by staff.
11. Absolutely no calling staff outside business hours
unless it is an emotional, therapeutic, or physical emergency,
or unless prior permission from staff has been obtained.
12. Additional (i.e. beyond one per week) one-on-one
counseling sessions will be granted by C.O.C. appointment only.
False Image (FI) Concerns
Through the Source, God renews clients¹ minds and lives,
helping them to put off the old self and put on the new. False
images are items or behaviors that are of the old self.
1. LIA wants to encourage each client, male and female, by
affirming his/her gender identity. LIA also wants each client
to pursue integrity in all of his/her actions and appearances.
Therefore, any belongings, appearances, clothing, actions, or
humor that might connect a client to an inappropriate past are
excluded from the program. These hindrances are called False
Images (FI¹s). FI behavior may include hyper-masculinity,
seductive clothing, mannish/boyish attire (on women),
excessive jewelry (on men), mascoting, and "campy" or
gay/lesbian behavior and talk.
2. As non-residential clients, Refuge participants must
submit to an F.I. search every morning. With the exception of
the very first program day, when they may arrive no later than
9:00 a.m., Refuge clients will arrive daily at the Love in
Action campus no later than 8:50 a.m., waiting in a designated
area until a staff member meets them to perform the F.I.
search and check them in. Refuge clients may not enter any of
the client spaces on campus before submitting to an F.I.
search. All belongings brought to campus will be searched,
including book bags, notebooks, wallets, handbags, purses,
etc. Items that violate the F.I. policy or the dress code will
be held for the client, to be returned no later than the
client¹s last day in program. Clients may request to have
their F.I. items returned by filling out a C.O.C.
3. All photographs will be taken for the purpose of
sobering re-evaluation. Clients may request to have pictures
returned to them via C.O.C.
4. Refuge clients will not be allowed to use personally
owned computers during the program, whether on campus or at
home/in temporary lodging. Computer stations are normally
available on campus when clients need to type something.
5. Clients should report all FI's (with discretion),
whether their own or another's, to staff.
Campus Rules
LIA honors clients¹ confidentiality and time. A campus
structure has been established that will ensure a fair and
balanced approach to every client.
1. No visiting or entering staff offices unless prior
permission is given.
2. While on the LIA campus, Refuge clients must be in
phase at all times, whether indoors or out of doors. A client
is ³in phase² when he or she is with two or more other clients
(whether Refuge or residential,) one of whom must have been in
the program for at least eight weeks. Exceptions to phase
rules will be granted by C.O.C. request only.
3. Further campus rules which are still being developed
and revised will be communicated to Refuge clients on their
arrival.
Relationship Issues
Emotional dependency and inappropriate sexual behaviors
have their roots in unresolved relationship issues as well as
poor personal or relational boundaries. As a key part to
his/her recovery, each client¹s program will focus significant
attention on resolving relationship concerns and cultivating
healthy relationships, both within and outside of the program.
1. No physical violence or physically threatening
dialogue. Violation of this rule warrants immediate dismissal
from the program.
2. No breaching another person's confidentiality to anyone
outside the program.
3. No talking behind another person's back (TBB).
4. The 24-hour rule is to be used after challenging
another client who is in breach of the program rules. If one
notices that another client¹s inappropriate behavior
continues, the client should be challenged to report to staff.
If in 24 hours he/she has not done so, one is required to
report the breach to staff via C.O.C. or verbal communication.
5. Due to the nature of many gender identity struggles,
issues of enmeshment and emotional dependency can develop not
only with same sex, but sometimes even more easily with the
opposite sex. Because healthy and appropriate same and
opposite-sex relationships are encouraged, dating and
exclusive relationships of any kind are prohibited while in
the program.
6. Clients may have no contact with anyone who has left
the program prior to graduating without the blessing of the
staff to do so. Clients may address off-limit persons they
inadvertently encounter with a polite "hello" only.
7. While in the program, clients may have no contact with
anyone involved in unrepentant emotional dependencies,
inappropriate sexual behaviors, or chemical dependencies. This
includes any contact with friends struggling with dependency
issues or inappropriate sexual behavior that was known about
prior to entering the program. If such a person is
encountered, the client must make his/her staff worker aware
of this.
8. Refuge clients and their parents/guardians will be
participating in off-campus events and meetings where
non-program strugglers are in attendance. To encourage the
safety of all involved, clients are required to be in phase
when communicating with non-program strugglers at these
meetings, and will be prohibited from establishing contact
with them outside of the these meetings.
Safekeeping Rules
1. All new Refuge clients will be placed into Safekeeping
for the initial two to three days of their program. A client
on safekeeping may not communicate verbally, or by using hand
gestures or eye contact, with any other clients, staff
members, or his/her parents or guardians. In case of a
practical need, Safekeeping clients may write down their
question or request and show it to another client, staff
member, or their parent or guardian. Writing may only be used
when absolutely necessary. Parents and guardians must enforce
their child¹s safekeeping status at home or in their temporary
lodging.
2. Refuge clients may C.O.C. to be removed from
Safekeeping status. Safekeeping clients will be removed from
Safekeeping at their staffworker¹s discretion.
3. Any client may be placed into Safekeeping at any time,
at a staffworker¹s discretion.
4. Safekeeping clients are permitted to say ³hello² and to
communicate enough information to be courteous in public
interaction (mostly in the clients¹ church setting).
5. Safekeeping clients are required to spend a minimum of
two hours (in one sitting) a day alone in their room (note: by
³alone² it is understood that parents or guardians can be in
the room but are not to interact or disrupt the alone time of
the safekeeping client). During the alone time Safekeeping
clients may work on their treatment plans, read program
materials or the Bible, pray, or work on other assignments
from their staffworkers.
6. In the evenings, all Refuge Safekeeping clients must
remain at home or at their temporary lodging with their parent
or guardian (i.e. no going out to eat, to the store, etc.
during Safekeeping.)
7. Non-Safekeeping clients are responsible to protect and
uphold the Safekeeping parameters of the Safekeeping clients.
Rules for the Home/Temporary Lodging
Refuge encourages all clients to first focus internally.
Why is the client here? What is broken? What is the core
motivation of the client¹s unhealthy behavior? Staff members
will work with clients as they learn what is wrong and as they
take the steps to articulate it. Second, staff emphasize the
need for each client to seek the truth of God. What does He
have to say about each client and his/her pain? The rules that
follow are designed to both protect the client and facilitate
his/her wrestling with God.
1. No discussing therapeutic issues at home. Keep
conversations positive.
2. Clients must gain permission through C.O.C. to make or
receive phone calls from friends and family members outside
the program.
3. No cell phones, beepers, computers, or e-mail/internet
access at. Exceptions by C.O.C. approval only.
4. No visitors from out of town without permission via C.O.C.
5. Refuge clients may only read materials approved by staff.
6. No television viewing, going to movies, or
reading/watching/listening to secular media of any kind,
anywhere within the client¹s and the parent¹s/guardian¹s
control. This includes listening to classical or instrumental
music that is not expressly Christian (Beethoven, Bach, etc.
are not considered Christian). The only exception to the media
policy is the weekly movie.
7. Refuge clients may watch one video/DVD per week that
has been approved by staff via C.O.C. Movies submitted for
approval must be rated G or PG. The parents/guardians are
responsible for securing the video/DVD.
8. Weekend curfew (Friday and Saturday) is 10:00pm.
Weekday curfew (Sunday through Thursday) is 9:30pm.
9. Refuge clients must be with at least one parent or
guardian at all times when off-campus.
10. On certain occasions Refuge clients have the
opportunity, with the C.O.C. approval and their
parent/guardian¹s permission, to visit the residential houses
of the Source program clients. On these occasions Refuge
clients must be in phase at all times, and must abide by all
the house rules and follow instructions given by Source
program house managers. House rules will be communicated to
Refuge clients as the need arises. Refuge clients are
encouraged to ask for clarification if they are unsure about a
particular house rule.
11. Refuge clients may not enter any restuarants with
bars, even when accompanied by a parent or guardian.
12. Refuge clients must be accompanied by a parent during
any trip to a public restroom.
13. No access to malls of any kind.
14. Clients are not allowed to visit any video, music or
media stores that are not expressly Christian, even if
accompanied by a parent or guardian. Clients may visit LifeWay
Christian stores with a parent or guardian.
15. Refuge clients must report off-casmpus emergencies,
illnesses, or injuries to their parents/guardians as soon as
possible. Parents/guardians are required to inform LIA staff
members of such situations by phone as soon as possible.
16. Total silence time at home begins at 9:00 p.m. Sunday
through Thursday. Refuge clients may use this time for
resting, but are encouraged to make a habit of using it for a
nightly quiet time with God.
17. Lights-out time will begin each night at 10:00 p.m.
Sunday through Thursday.
18. Refuge clients are allowed a one-time 15-minute
maximum closed bathroom door time for shower/grooming
purposes. The only other closed-door alone time allowed is for
using the restroom.
19. Refuge clients must keep their bedroom doors open at
all times, day or night.
20. Proper bedclothes must be worn during nighttime
sleeping hours. Appropriate bedclothes include full pajamas
(tops and bottoms) or a pair of non-underwear-type shorts and
a T-shirt. Nightgowns are not allowed.
21. Refuge clients are expected to eat dinner with their
parents/guardians/other family members (if any) at least four
times per week.
22. Refuge clients are expected to cook dinner one time
per week.
On-Level Rules
³On-Level² is a protective and therapeutic measure that is
sometimes implemented between clients who are having
relational difficulties.
1. On-level clients may not speak to each other unless
there is a potentially life-threatening emergency.
2. On-level clients are to spend no time alone with each
other.
3. On-level clients are not allowed to ride in the same
car unless C.O.C. permission has been granted, in which case,
one must sit in the front of the car, and one must sit in the
back of the car.
4. On-level clients, whenever in the same room, must
always have exactly one person between them, whether sitting
or standing. Planned activities such as church, Open Meetings,
and socials are no exception.
5. On-level status can be initiated by any staff member or
house manager.
6. On-level status can be removed only by Executive Staff.
Group Norms
1. Be honest, authentic, and real.
2. Active participation is expected. This includes body
language and eye contact. No slouching in chairs, sitting back
on chairs hind legs, sitting with arms crossed, rolling eyes,
or making disgusting faces.
3. No attacking or demeaning another person¹s character.
4. Raise hand to speak. Speak one at a time as called on
by the facilitator.
5. Maintain strict confidentiality of everything discussed
in group. "What is seen here, what is heard here, remains here!"
6. Clients are to sit in such a way as to not cause
another to stumble.
7. No food or drink during rap. This includes chewing gum
and toothpicks.
8. Appropriate attire is required. No hats, athletic or
baggy shorts (for men), or extremely short skirts (for women)
are allowed.
9. Say "I love you _____" after each person is finished
relating.
10. Be on time!
11. Do not talk at, preach to, or teach one another. Each
person should keep the focus on him/herself and how he/she feels.
12. Do not be defensive. While being spoken to, one may
not respond to defend him/herself or return confrontation to
the person speaking.
13. If one needs to leave the group for any reason, he/she
must ask permission from the staff in charge of the group session.
14. Stand when speaking, relating, or being related to.
During general raps, one must stand while relating. One must
also stand when someone is being given feedback or being
related to. Standing is not necessary during teaching raps.
Men/Women Dynamics
The following common courtesies apply to relational
dynamics between men and women. While these are not rules and
may initially feel a little awkward, they are strongly
encouraged as practical guidelines to promote mutual respect
and honor. It is LIA¹s hope that these suggestions will become
common practices and help to nurture a value of self and an
appreciation for others.
Places of Honor for Women:
Respect for women may be shown by offering them first
priority in a number of ways:
1. Please invite women (not just LIA clients) to be the
first in line to eat.
2. Encourage women to accept the more comfortable seats in
a room. Men should consider offering a woman their chair when
there are none left in the room.
3. Men should think about opening doors for women, both
when entering a building and when entering a car. This simply
adds a level of respect, consideration, and value.
Honoring Both Genders:
Be mindful of the types of humor and communication used
around one another. Jesting about bodily functions, discussing
gender-specific issues when not in rap sessions (at the LIA
office), and other conversation which could potentially be
inappropriate to the opposite sex should be avoided.
Program Expectations
Therapeutic & Interpersonal Expectations
1. Clients are expected to affirm one another and edify
their personal and corporate pursuit of growth and
transformation. This includes a commitment to courageous
honesty with respect, a commitment to sobriety in all manners
of talk, action, and dress, the exercise of prudence, and
honoring confidentiality and accountability.
2. Clients are expected to take responsibility for their
environment and to inform appropriate authorities of program
breaches. This is to be done using the 24-hour rule.
3. Clients are expected to give back. This includes
watching out for one¹s brothers and sisters. It also includes
the initiative of upper-phasers to provide accountability for
lower-phasers.
4. Clients are expected to maintain a committed pursuit of
a positive and thankful attitude.
5. Clients are expected to avoid peer-to-peer physical
touch. Brief handshakes or a brief affirmative hand on a
shoulder is allowed.
6. Clients are expected to actively identify and
subsequently remove all personal and corporate FI¹s.
7. Clients are expected to avoid therapeutic topics of
discussion with House Managers.
8. Clients are expected to make their homework a priority.
Phase 1 clients must complete four MI¹s per week unless
otherwise instructed. Phase 2 & Training clients must complete
two MI¹s per week unless otherwise instructed. Phase 1 clients
will be prepared to do an Introduction at every Introduction
Rap. All clients will be assigned a personalized treatment plan.
9. Clients are expected to plan ahead and communicate
appropriately, following Chain of Command (C.O.C.) for any
information or communication with staff.
Practical Expectations
1. All clients must maintain integrity in their personal
presentation. This includes daily grooming and hygiene
maintenance, bed-making, as well as regular bedroom and
bathroom cleaning and maintenance.
2. Clients are expected to work either therapeutically or
professionally Monday through Friday unless prior permission
is granted through C.O.C. Clients who are not working are
expected to be in the office.
3. Clients are expected to actively re-evaluate the
influences of secular media. Phase 1 clients are restricted
from television-viewing, internet access, secular media, or
reading of any kind without specific permission. Clients may
not enter any non-Christian bookstores. Phase 2 clients may
use email and the internet at work for work purposes. Training
program clients may listen to secular music. However, they may
not listen to secular radio for the first 30 days. No secular
music is allowed in residences or when around Phase 1 clients.
4. Clients are expected to honor their home environment by
being on-time with cooking responsibilities, attending all
weekly house meetings, dinner attendance, curfew, total
silence, lights out, and by working cooperatively to complete
all stewardships with a positive attitude.
5. Clients are expected to remain accountable with all
relationships. No cell phones, phone calls, or contact with anyone
outside the program without prior permission. Phase 2 and
Training Program clients may make approved relational phone calls.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Refuge Program Parental Rules (not to be given to client)
1. No discussing therapeutic issues at home. Keep
conversations positive.
2. Clients are to be picked up from the LIA office no
later than 5:00pm each weekday.
3. Respect all Love In Action and Refuge rules. If you do
not understand them, support the program in front of client at
all times and gain clarification from LIA staff. Do not
sabotage or defocus your client.
4. Don¹t allow client to split your family. Unite to
present stability and unity.
5. Your client is not allowed to talk to anyone outside of
your home including friends or family. Do not tell client who
has called for them or who is asking about them. Keep the
thoughts of the client focused on his/her treatment.
6. The family needs interactive time together. It is very
important that togetherness is the priority during this time.
The client does not need extended time alone or with only one
family member. The only exception is for Refuge clients who
are from out-of-town and staying with a significant guardian
while here.
7. Family dinner is encouraged to occur at least four
times weekly.
8. The client is expected to cook dinner at least one time
weekly.
9. The client is expected to complete a weekly cleaning
regimen to your satisfaction.
10. Parents/guardians are asked to make themselves
available for any special meetings deemed necessary for the
successful treatment of their loved ones.
11. If there is an ³Open Meeting² during Refuge Program,
parents/guardians are asked to attend to enhance their
involvement with Refuge. Open meetings are held the first
Tuesday of each month at 7:30pm at Kirby Woods Baptist Church
(on the corner of Poplar Ave. and Massey; entrance is located
at the ground floor on the east side of building entrance).
Consequences for Rule Violation:
1. Constructive criticism from the group.
2. Ten to thirty-page written paper on rule violation.
3. Program dismissal. This does not need to be addressed
with the client (The client may sabotage his/her own program
due to purposeful dismissal consequences).
4. Isolation from the group
There were also a bunch of bible passages quoted to back up each section of rules, but this list is already too long as it is. The website of the program is http://www.loveinaction.org/
But anyway, I was bored on the internet and I came across this set of rules for a refuge program in Tennessee where parents send their gay children to get straight. The rules don't seem too bad at first, just kind of restrictive, but keep reading. They quickly begin to border on mind control. What's terrible is that this place exists, and parents actually send their children to it. There are a lot of rules, so I'll put them in an lj-cut. Here is a preview though:
1. LIA wants to encourage each client, male and female, by
affirming his/her gender identity. LIA also wants each client
to pursue integrity in all of his/her actions and appearances.
Therefore, any belongings, appearances, clothing, actions, or
humor that might connect a client to an inappropriate past are
excluded from the program. These hindrances are called False
Images (FI¹s). FI behavior may include hyper-masculinity,
seductive clothing, mannish/boyish attire (on women),
excessive jewelry (on men), mascoting, and "campy" or
gay/lesbian behavior and talk.
It's a commitment to read all of them, but I promise it's amusing as hell.
Sobriety
One of the core functions of the Refuge is the common
pursuit of corporate sobriety from sin. The program strives to
perpetuate a safe environment that is ripe for growth and for
hearing from God. The sobriety of each individual is a key focus.
1. No smoking, alcohol, drugs, or inappropriate use of
over-the-counter medications. All prescription drugs and
over-the-counter medications must be left in the care of a
parent or guardian, who will administer them when necessary.
Refuge clients may not have prescription or over-the-counter
drugs in their possession at any time, exceptions by C.O.C.
approval only.
2. No sexual/emotional misconduct. Any temptations,
fantasies, or dreams are to be presented to one¹s staff worker
only. Sexual misconduct includes viewing pornography, visiting
an adult bookstore, emotional dependency, voyeurism, stalking,
masturbation, mutual masturbation, or any form of genital or
sexual contact with another person. Sexual temptation, as well
as the above, is not to be discussed between clients. This
includes MI's (Moral Inventories) written on current sexual
struggles or temptations).
3. No hugging or physical touch between clients. Brief
handshakes or a brief affirmative hand on a shoulder is
allowed (exception is when observed by therapeutic
accountability).
4. Clients are to remain within the ³safe zone² while in
the program. This "zone" is illustrated on a map of the
Memphis area in the office. An exception is for clients who
reside or are staying outside the safe zone, and commuting to
the Love in Action campus.
Hygiene
Small unhealthy habits can either reflect or lead to
dysfunctional, life-controlling habits. Attention to the
details of daily lifestyle is a pivotal aspect of residential
recovery.
1. All clients must maintain appropriate hygiene,
including daily showering, use of deodorant, and brushing
teeth twice daily.
Men: Men must remove all facial hair seven days weekly,
and sideburns must not fall below the top of the ear (the top
of the ear is defined as where the ear meets the face
below the temple). Clean business-like haircuts must be worn
at all
times. Hair must be long enough to be pinched between two
fingers.
Women: Women must shave legs and underarms at least twice
weekly.
All: Only natural hair color is allowed. Hair that is
colored, highlighted or streaked, mut be dyed back to its
original color, or the color must be cut out before entrance
into the Refuge program.
2. Attire: General
Modesty is expected. No tight, provocative, or suggestive
clothing or spandex may be worn. No provocative or
suggestive mannerisms are permitted. Fresh undergarments
are to be worn at all times. Boxer shorts of any kind are
considered underwear and are not to be worn as outer
clothing. All clients must be dressed appropriately in clean,
unwrinkled clothes when leaving the house for the day. Men
may not wear any jewelry (other than a watch and a wedding
band) unless approved through a C.O.C. In addition to a watch
and wedding band, women may also wear a pair of simple
earrings (one earring per ear.) The clients may not wear
Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein brand clothing,
undergarments, or accessories.
Men: Shirts are to be worn at all times, even while
sleeping. T-shirts without sleeves are not permitted at any time,
whether worn as an outer garment or an undergarment. This
includes ³muscle shirts² or other tank-tops. Bikini-style
underwear is prohibited.
Women: Bras must be worn at all times, except while
sleeping. Thong-style underwear is prohibited.
Attire: LIA Campus
In addition to the General Attire above, the following
items apply. No torn, ragged, or stained clothing is to be worn at
any time while on campus. Monday through Thursday, clients
must wear pants, a clean shirt, and shoes or sandals with
socks. Jeans and a nice t-shirt are acceptable. On Friday,
clients may wear clean, knee-length khaki or denim-style shorts.
No athletic or excessively baggy shorts may be worn on
campus at any time. No hats, jackets, or overcoats are to be
worn on campus
Women: In addition to these guidelines, women may also
wear skirts which fall at or below the knee. Women may wear
tank-tops only if they are worn with an over-blouse. Women
may wear open-toed shoes or women¹s dress sandals
without socks. Bras must be worn at all times, except
while sleeping. Sports bras may only be worn while working out.
No sleeveless blouses may be worn. All blouses and
t-shirts must fit modestly (not extremely tight).
3. No cologne, perfume, or use of other highly scented
hygiene products.
Therapeutic & Staff Issues
A goal of the Source is to be purposeful and strategic in
order to help clients pursue growth and transformation. The
principles below are common elements of this plan.
1. HONESTY AT ALL TIMES.
2. IF IN DOUBT, DON¹T. ASK FIRST.
3. All clients are expected to memorize the Program
Expectations as they summarize the spirit and heart of the
rules of Love in Action.
4. All Refuge program members must complete four MI's
(Moral Inventories) per week unless otherwise instructed.
Detailed instruction on writing MI¹s will be provided within
the first few days of beginning the program.
5. Refuge clients will be prepared to give an Introduction
(³Intro²) at every Intro Rap. Detailed instruction on giving
an intro will be provided within the first few days of the
program.
6. To make special requests of the staff or inform the
staff of something (e.g. asking permission to leave the safe
zone for some reason, informing the staff of a breach in
program rules, etc.), Refuge clients must communicate
appropriately. This means filling out a Chain of Command
(C.O.C.) form. All C.O.C.¹s must be signed by the Refuge
client¹s parent or guardian before being submitted to a staff
member, or the C.O.C. will be returned with no answer. All
C.O.C.¹s must be concise and not ³story tell² or ³whine.² Such
will be returned with no reply.
7. No continuing education while in the program.
Home-school Refuge clients may be allowed to continue their
studies during the program, pending approval by LIA staff.
6. Refuge clients and their parents/guardians are required
to attend Love in Action¹s host church, Germantown Baptist
Church, on Sunday mornings. More information about GBC can be
found online at www.gbconline.net.
7. Parents and guardians are expected to attend the
Friends and Family support group on Thursday nights from 7:00
p.m. to 8:30 p.m., held at the Love in Action campus. Refuge
clients will be supervised during this time by a Love in
Action staff member.
8. Refuge clients and their parents/guardians are expected
to attend Love in Action¹s Open Meetings whenever they occur,
held on the first Tuesday of every month at Kirby Woods
Baptist Church at 7:30 p.m.
9. Refuge clients are expected to maintain a committed
pursuit of a positive and thankful attitude.
10. Absolutely no journaling or keeping a diary outside of
the MI process unless directed or approved by staff.
11. Absolutely no calling staff outside business hours
unless it is an emotional, therapeutic, or physical emergency,
or unless prior permission from staff has been obtained.
12. Additional (i.e. beyond one per week) one-on-one
counseling sessions will be granted by C.O.C. appointment only.
False Image (FI) Concerns
Through the Source, God renews clients¹ minds and lives,
helping them to put off the old self and put on the new. False
images are items or behaviors that are of the old self.
1. LIA wants to encourage each client, male and female, by
affirming his/her gender identity. LIA also wants each client
to pursue integrity in all of his/her actions and appearances.
Therefore, any belongings, appearances, clothing, actions, or
humor that might connect a client to an inappropriate past are
excluded from the program. These hindrances are called False
Images (FI¹s). FI behavior may include hyper-masculinity,
seductive clothing, mannish/boyish attire (on women),
excessive jewelry (on men), mascoting, and "campy" or
gay/lesbian behavior and talk.
2. As non-residential clients, Refuge participants must
submit to an F.I. search every morning. With the exception of
the very first program day, when they may arrive no later than
9:00 a.m., Refuge clients will arrive daily at the Love in
Action campus no later than 8:50 a.m., waiting in a designated
area until a staff member meets them to perform the F.I.
search and check them in. Refuge clients may not enter any of
the client spaces on campus before submitting to an F.I.
search. All belongings brought to campus will be searched,
including book bags, notebooks, wallets, handbags, purses,
etc. Items that violate the F.I. policy or the dress code will
be held for the client, to be returned no later than the
client¹s last day in program. Clients may request to have
their F.I. items returned by filling out a C.O.C.
3. All photographs will be taken for the purpose of
sobering re-evaluation. Clients may request to have pictures
returned to them via C.O.C.
4. Refuge clients will not be allowed to use personally
owned computers during the program, whether on campus or at
home/in temporary lodging. Computer stations are normally
available on campus when clients need to type something.
5. Clients should report all FI's (with discretion),
whether their own or another's, to staff.
Campus Rules
LIA honors clients¹ confidentiality and time. A campus
structure has been established that will ensure a fair and
balanced approach to every client.
1. No visiting or entering staff offices unless prior
permission is given.
2. While on the LIA campus, Refuge clients must be in
phase at all times, whether indoors or out of doors. A client
is ³in phase² when he or she is with two or more other clients
(whether Refuge or residential,) one of whom must have been in
the program for at least eight weeks. Exceptions to phase
rules will be granted by C.O.C. request only.
3. Further campus rules which are still being developed
and revised will be communicated to Refuge clients on their
arrival.
Relationship Issues
Emotional dependency and inappropriate sexual behaviors
have their roots in unresolved relationship issues as well as
poor personal or relational boundaries. As a key part to
his/her recovery, each client¹s program will focus significant
attention on resolving relationship concerns and cultivating
healthy relationships, both within and outside of the program.
1. No physical violence or physically threatening
dialogue. Violation of this rule warrants immediate dismissal
from the program.
2. No breaching another person's confidentiality to anyone
outside the program.
3. No talking behind another person's back (TBB).
4. The 24-hour rule is to be used after challenging
another client who is in breach of the program rules. If one
notices that another client¹s inappropriate behavior
continues, the client should be challenged to report to staff.
If in 24 hours he/she has not done so, one is required to
report the breach to staff via C.O.C. or verbal communication.
5. Due to the nature of many gender identity struggles,
issues of enmeshment and emotional dependency can develop not
only with same sex, but sometimes even more easily with the
opposite sex. Because healthy and appropriate same and
opposite-sex relationships are encouraged, dating and
exclusive relationships of any kind are prohibited while in
the program.
6. Clients may have no contact with anyone who has left
the program prior to graduating without the blessing of the
staff to do so. Clients may address off-limit persons they
inadvertently encounter with a polite "hello" only.
7. While in the program, clients may have no contact with
anyone involved in unrepentant emotional dependencies,
inappropriate sexual behaviors, or chemical dependencies. This
includes any contact with friends struggling with dependency
issues or inappropriate sexual behavior that was known about
prior to entering the program. If such a person is
encountered, the client must make his/her staff worker aware
of this.
8. Refuge clients and their parents/guardians will be
participating in off-campus events and meetings where
non-program strugglers are in attendance. To encourage the
safety of all involved, clients are required to be in phase
when communicating with non-program strugglers at these
meetings, and will be prohibited from establishing contact
with them outside of the these meetings.
Safekeeping Rules
1. All new Refuge clients will be placed into Safekeeping
for the initial two to three days of their program. A client
on safekeeping may not communicate verbally, or by using hand
gestures or eye contact, with any other clients, staff
members, or his/her parents or guardians. In case of a
practical need, Safekeeping clients may write down their
question or request and show it to another client, staff
member, or their parent or guardian. Writing may only be used
when absolutely necessary. Parents and guardians must enforce
their child¹s safekeeping status at home or in their temporary
lodging.
2. Refuge clients may C.O.C. to be removed from
Safekeeping status. Safekeeping clients will be removed from
Safekeeping at their staffworker¹s discretion.
3. Any client may be placed into Safekeeping at any time,
at a staffworker¹s discretion.
4. Safekeeping clients are permitted to say ³hello² and to
communicate enough information to be courteous in public
interaction (mostly in the clients¹ church setting).
5. Safekeeping clients are required to spend a minimum of
two hours (in one sitting) a day alone in their room (note: by
³alone² it is understood that parents or guardians can be in
the room but are not to interact or disrupt the alone time of
the safekeeping client). During the alone time Safekeeping
clients may work on their treatment plans, read program
materials or the Bible, pray, or work on other assignments
from their staffworkers.
6. In the evenings, all Refuge Safekeeping clients must
remain at home or at their temporary lodging with their parent
or guardian (i.e. no going out to eat, to the store, etc.
during Safekeeping.)
7. Non-Safekeeping clients are responsible to protect and
uphold the Safekeeping parameters of the Safekeeping clients.
Rules for the Home/Temporary Lodging
Refuge encourages all clients to first focus internally.
Why is the client here? What is broken? What is the core
motivation of the client¹s unhealthy behavior? Staff members
will work with clients as they learn what is wrong and as they
take the steps to articulate it. Second, staff emphasize the
need for each client to seek the truth of God. What does He
have to say about each client and his/her pain? The rules that
follow are designed to both protect the client and facilitate
his/her wrestling with God.
1. No discussing therapeutic issues at home. Keep
conversations positive.
2. Clients must gain permission through C.O.C. to make or
receive phone calls from friends and family members outside
the program.
3. No cell phones, beepers, computers, or e-mail/internet
access at. Exceptions by C.O.C. approval only.
4. No visitors from out of town without permission via C.O.C.
5. Refuge clients may only read materials approved by staff.
6. No television viewing, going to movies, or
reading/watching/listening to secular media of any kind,
anywhere within the client¹s and the parent¹s/guardian¹s
control. This includes listening to classical or instrumental
music that is not expressly Christian (Beethoven, Bach, etc.
are not considered Christian). The only exception to the media
policy is the weekly movie.
7. Refuge clients may watch one video/DVD per week that
has been approved by staff via C.O.C. Movies submitted for
approval must be rated G or PG. The parents/guardians are
responsible for securing the video/DVD.
8. Weekend curfew (Friday and Saturday) is 10:00pm.
Weekday curfew (Sunday through Thursday) is 9:30pm.
9. Refuge clients must be with at least one parent or
guardian at all times when off-campus.
10. On certain occasions Refuge clients have the
opportunity, with the C.O.C. approval and their
parent/guardian¹s permission, to visit the residential houses
of the Source program clients. On these occasions Refuge
clients must be in phase at all times, and must abide by all
the house rules and follow instructions given by Source
program house managers. House rules will be communicated to
Refuge clients as the need arises. Refuge clients are
encouraged to ask for clarification if they are unsure about a
particular house rule.
11. Refuge clients may not enter any restuarants with
bars, even when accompanied by a parent or guardian.
12. Refuge clients must be accompanied by a parent during
any trip to a public restroom.
13. No access to malls of any kind.
14. Clients are not allowed to visit any video, music or
media stores that are not expressly Christian, even if
accompanied by a parent or guardian. Clients may visit LifeWay
Christian stores with a parent or guardian.
15. Refuge clients must report off-casmpus emergencies,
illnesses, or injuries to their parents/guardians as soon as
possible. Parents/guardians are required to inform LIA staff
members of such situations by phone as soon as possible.
16. Total silence time at home begins at 9:00 p.m. Sunday
through Thursday. Refuge clients may use this time for
resting, but are encouraged to make a habit of using it for a
nightly quiet time with God.
17. Lights-out time will begin each night at 10:00 p.m.
Sunday through Thursday.
18. Refuge clients are allowed a one-time 15-minute
maximum closed bathroom door time for shower/grooming
purposes. The only other closed-door alone time allowed is for
using the restroom.
19. Refuge clients must keep their bedroom doors open at
all times, day or night.
20. Proper bedclothes must be worn during nighttime
sleeping hours. Appropriate bedclothes include full pajamas
(tops and bottoms) or a pair of non-underwear-type shorts and
a T-shirt. Nightgowns are not allowed.
21. Refuge clients are expected to eat dinner with their
parents/guardians/other family members (if any) at least four
times per week.
22. Refuge clients are expected to cook dinner one time
per week.
On-Level Rules
³On-Level² is a protective and therapeutic measure that is
sometimes implemented between clients who are having
relational difficulties.
1. On-level clients may not speak to each other unless
there is a potentially life-threatening emergency.
2. On-level clients are to spend no time alone with each
other.
3. On-level clients are not allowed to ride in the same
car unless C.O.C. permission has been granted, in which case,
one must sit in the front of the car, and one must sit in the
back of the car.
4. On-level clients, whenever in the same room, must
always have exactly one person between them, whether sitting
or standing. Planned activities such as church, Open Meetings,
and socials are no exception.
5. On-level status can be initiated by any staff member or
house manager.
6. On-level status can be removed only by Executive Staff.
Group Norms
1. Be honest, authentic, and real.
2. Active participation is expected. This includes body
language and eye contact. No slouching in chairs, sitting back
on chairs hind legs, sitting with arms crossed, rolling eyes,
or making disgusting faces.
3. No attacking or demeaning another person¹s character.
4. Raise hand to speak. Speak one at a time as called on
by the facilitator.
5. Maintain strict confidentiality of everything discussed
in group. "What is seen here, what is heard here, remains here!"
6. Clients are to sit in such a way as to not cause
another to stumble.
7. No food or drink during rap. This includes chewing gum
and toothpicks.
8. Appropriate attire is required. No hats, athletic or
baggy shorts (for men), or extremely short skirts (for women)
are allowed.
9. Say "I love you _____" after each person is finished
relating.
10. Be on time!
11. Do not talk at, preach to, or teach one another. Each
person should keep the focus on him/herself and how he/she feels.
12. Do not be defensive. While being spoken to, one may
not respond to defend him/herself or return confrontation to
the person speaking.
13. If one needs to leave the group for any reason, he/she
must ask permission from the staff in charge of the group session.
14. Stand when speaking, relating, or being related to.
During general raps, one must stand while relating. One must
also stand when someone is being given feedback or being
related to. Standing is not necessary during teaching raps.
Men/Women Dynamics
The following common courtesies apply to relational
dynamics between men and women. While these are not rules and
may initially feel a little awkward, they are strongly
encouraged as practical guidelines to promote mutual respect
and honor. It is LIA¹s hope that these suggestions will become
common practices and help to nurture a value of self and an
appreciation for others.
Places of Honor for Women:
Respect for women may be shown by offering them first
priority in a number of ways:
1. Please invite women (not just LIA clients) to be the
first in line to eat.
2. Encourage women to accept the more comfortable seats in
a room. Men should consider offering a woman their chair when
there are none left in the room.
3. Men should think about opening doors for women, both
when entering a building and when entering a car. This simply
adds a level of respect, consideration, and value.
Honoring Both Genders:
Be mindful of the types of humor and communication used
around one another. Jesting about bodily functions, discussing
gender-specific issues when not in rap sessions (at the LIA
office), and other conversation which could potentially be
inappropriate to the opposite sex should be avoided.
Program Expectations
Therapeutic & Interpersonal Expectations
1. Clients are expected to affirm one another and edify
their personal and corporate pursuit of growth and
transformation. This includes a commitment to courageous
honesty with respect, a commitment to sobriety in all manners
of talk, action, and dress, the exercise of prudence, and
honoring confidentiality and accountability.
2. Clients are expected to take responsibility for their
environment and to inform appropriate authorities of program
breaches. This is to be done using the 24-hour rule.
3. Clients are expected to give back. This includes
watching out for one¹s brothers and sisters. It also includes
the initiative of upper-phasers to provide accountability for
lower-phasers.
4. Clients are expected to maintain a committed pursuit of
a positive and thankful attitude.
5. Clients are expected to avoid peer-to-peer physical
touch. Brief handshakes or a brief affirmative hand on a
shoulder is allowed.
6. Clients are expected to actively identify and
subsequently remove all personal and corporate FI¹s.
7. Clients are expected to avoid therapeutic topics of
discussion with House Managers.
8. Clients are expected to make their homework a priority.
Phase 1 clients must complete four MI¹s per week unless
otherwise instructed. Phase 2 & Training clients must complete
two MI¹s per week unless otherwise instructed. Phase 1 clients
will be prepared to do an Introduction at every Introduction
Rap. All clients will be assigned a personalized treatment plan.
9. Clients are expected to plan ahead and communicate
appropriately, following Chain of Command (C.O.C.) for any
information or communication with staff.
Practical Expectations
1. All clients must maintain integrity in their personal
presentation. This includes daily grooming and hygiene
maintenance, bed-making, as well as regular bedroom and
bathroom cleaning and maintenance.
2. Clients are expected to work either therapeutically or
professionally Monday through Friday unless prior permission
is granted through C.O.C. Clients who are not working are
expected to be in the office.
3. Clients are expected to actively re-evaluate the
influences of secular media. Phase 1 clients are restricted
from television-viewing, internet access, secular media, or
reading of any kind without specific permission. Clients may
not enter any non-Christian bookstores. Phase 2 clients may
use email and the internet at work for work purposes. Training
program clients may listen to secular music. However, they may
not listen to secular radio for the first 30 days. No secular
music is allowed in residences or when around Phase 1 clients.
4. Clients are expected to honor their home environment by
being on-time with cooking responsibilities, attending all
weekly house meetings, dinner attendance, curfew, total
silence, lights out, and by working cooperatively to complete
all stewardships with a positive attitude.
5. Clients are expected to remain accountable with all
relationships. No cell phones, phone calls, or contact with anyone
outside the program without prior permission. Phase 2 and
Training Program clients may make approved relational phone calls.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Refuge Program Parental Rules (not to be given to client)
1. No discussing therapeutic issues at home. Keep
conversations positive.
2. Clients are to be picked up from the LIA office no
later than 5:00pm each weekday.
3. Respect all Love In Action and Refuge rules. If you do
not understand them, support the program in front of client at
all times and gain clarification from LIA staff. Do not
sabotage or defocus your client.
4. Don¹t allow client to split your family. Unite to
present stability and unity.
5. Your client is not allowed to talk to anyone outside of
your home including friends or family. Do not tell client who
has called for them or who is asking about them. Keep the
thoughts of the client focused on his/her treatment.
6. The family needs interactive time together. It is very
important that togetherness is the priority during this time.
The client does not need extended time alone or with only one
family member. The only exception is for Refuge clients who
are from out-of-town and staying with a significant guardian
while here.
7. Family dinner is encouraged to occur at least four
times weekly.
8. The client is expected to cook dinner at least one time
weekly.
9. The client is expected to complete a weekly cleaning
regimen to your satisfaction.
10. Parents/guardians are asked to make themselves
available for any special meetings deemed necessary for the
successful treatment of their loved ones.
11. If there is an ³Open Meeting² during Refuge Program,
parents/guardians are asked to attend to enhance their
involvement with Refuge. Open meetings are held the first
Tuesday of each month at 7:30pm at Kirby Woods Baptist Church
(on the corner of Poplar Ave. and Massey; entrance is located
at the ground floor on the east side of building entrance).
Consequences for Rule Violation:
1. Constructive criticism from the group.
2. Ten to thirty-page written paper on rule violation.
3. Program dismissal. This does not need to be addressed
with the client (The client may sabotage his/her own program
due to purposeful dismissal consequences).
4. Isolation from the group
There were also a bunch of bible passages quoted to back up each section of rules, but this list is already too long as it is. The website of the program is http://www.loveinaction.org/