This is my last post on this journal name
I don't know what I'm feeling right now...like 50 different things at once...On some level I guess I'm angry, yeah, but it's not rational. I guess overall it's just a feeling of loneliness and just...I guess emptiness is the right word. I'm kinda numb right now to everything, but with the fits or crying..yeah. I don't know where to even start with everything, I have to gut my room because everything in there reminds me of him, I have to round up all the gifts and such and give them back, god this will take forever...
I just want to curl up and sleep until everything is gone, and I don't have to deal with everything. I would say "curl up and sleep forever" but since I've got the fucking suicide watch on my back, I have to be careful with what I say. I'm emotionally exausted.
I dunno if I'm going to go to prom, the idea alone makes me cry. I picked my dress based on his favorite colors haha. Whatever...I don't want to think about it anymore.
I was talking to Sarah earlier, and it was amazing. I could honestly FEEL my heart in my chest hurting. I always thought it was metaphorical, that you feel your heart break. I don't think it's just a metaphore anymore.
I don't know what to do...part of me is angry and wants revenge, part of me wants to forget about it all and go on with life and be happy again, part of me wants things to be normal again so bad it hurts, and part of me knows that that will never happen again. He said that maybe when things changed...I know most of his little speech was padded to make me feel better or give me hope or something. Or stop me from killing myself, but I now I know that if someone can drag along and pretend to love someone for this long, only to chrush them isn't worth my life. I feels like it right now, god it does but I can't do it.
It was a mistake for us to go back out after the first break up, I knew it a week after it happened. He didn't love me, why did I go along with it? Because I'm stupid and hopeful, and I hoped that he would, and that things would be like they were before. God I would have done anything, ANYTHING to have that same person back, but I didn't. And this is how it ended.
Everything used to be so happy and fun all the time, and we would want to spend every waking hour with each other, even if it was just to sit and do nothing really. Every memory before January is wonderful, and I'm going to hold on to them forever. But that's what they are, memories.
I guess this is hard because it's the first person I've actually loved. I didn't think it was possible to be honest, before him. I thought when I dated a couple other guys, "I've never felt real love for them, maybe there's something wrong with me", "Maybe i'll never know what it's really like.." and I would feel horrible because they would eventually lose interest in me after I refused to tell them that I loved them. But I know what it is now, I feel it now, even though I know that it's slowly dying inside me. Maybe that's why it's hard, to know what it is and then have it taken. And to know that someone has denied love from you also. Something your so used to having. Makes you wonder if it was even there to begin with.
Stuff like this makes you question everything. I know he liked me in the begining, we would stay up till 3 in the morning talking and still wouldn't want to go. He cared about every little thing I did, he kinda babied me for a while lol. No one had stood over me and helped me and all than him. I'm greatful for it too.
My only fear now, is that i'll fade from his life forever. Who cares about ex's? Oh god..just typing that makes me cringe. I'm one of those people that guys talk about now to their current girlfriends. I still can't get over that now I'm just as important as anyone...just as important as some guy he passes in the hall. He's not talking to me already and trying to forget everything, but then again, I'm not a top priority. I'm a friend now, and you don't arrange your day around talking to a friend.
He had become such a part of my life, and now I have to cover it up like a hole in the wall. How do you live a life centered around someone who's no longer there? I wish I could start over, and live somewhere else in a new house with new things. It would be so goddamn easier.
I have to tell a bunch of people now. Wow am I going to feel stupid.
Everything is changed. Everything. Every little thing is different now. Whatever, I don't want to be a victim this time, and be suicidal and shit.
I'm not begging for him to come back again, I'm not going to devote my life to his return. He doesn't want to, so that's that. I can't help it, but as about every single one of my friends have said so far "His loss." I love you guys so much, your always there, you've been there for the last few months and even longer. When I need you the most, I can count on you all to be there for me no matter what your busy with or whatever. Thank you so much. I love you all more than you can imagine.
I'll give you all my new livejournal name when I do it, I can't enter that password in here anymore.
Seeya all soon.
~Sarah~
3-30-04
I just want to curl up and sleep until everything is gone, and I don't have to deal with everything. I would say "curl up and sleep forever" but since I've got the fucking suicide watch on my back, I have to be careful with what I say. I'm emotionally exausted.
I dunno if I'm going to go to prom, the idea alone makes me cry. I picked my dress based on his favorite colors haha. Whatever...I don't want to think about it anymore.
I was talking to Sarah earlier, and it was amazing. I could honestly FEEL my heart in my chest hurting. I always thought it was metaphorical, that you feel your heart break. I don't think it's just a metaphore anymore.
I don't know what to do...part of me is angry and wants revenge, part of me wants to forget about it all and go on with life and be happy again, part of me wants things to be normal again so bad it hurts, and part of me knows that that will never happen again. He said that maybe when things changed...I know most of his little speech was padded to make me feel better or give me hope or something. Or stop me from killing myself, but I now I know that if someone can drag along and pretend to love someone for this long, only to chrush them isn't worth my life. I feels like it right now, god it does but I can't do it.
It was a mistake for us to go back out after the first break up, I knew it a week after it happened. He didn't love me, why did I go along with it? Because I'm stupid and hopeful, and I hoped that he would, and that things would be like they were before. God I would have done anything, ANYTHING to have that same person back, but I didn't. And this is how it ended.
Everything used to be so happy and fun all the time, and we would want to spend every waking hour with each other, even if it was just to sit and do nothing really. Every memory before January is wonderful, and I'm going to hold on to them forever. But that's what they are, memories.
I guess this is hard because it's the first person I've actually loved. I didn't think it was possible to be honest, before him. I thought when I dated a couple other guys, "I've never felt real love for them, maybe there's something wrong with me", "Maybe i'll never know what it's really like.." and I would feel horrible because they would eventually lose interest in me after I refused to tell them that I loved them. But I know what it is now, I feel it now, even though I know that it's slowly dying inside me. Maybe that's why it's hard, to know what it is and then have it taken. And to know that someone has denied love from you also. Something your so used to having. Makes you wonder if it was even there to begin with.
Stuff like this makes you question everything. I know he liked me in the begining, we would stay up till 3 in the morning talking and still wouldn't want to go. He cared about every little thing I did, he kinda babied me for a while lol. No one had stood over me and helped me and all than him. I'm greatful for it too.
My only fear now, is that i'll fade from his life forever. Who cares about ex's? Oh god..just typing that makes me cringe. I'm one of those people that guys talk about now to their current girlfriends. I still can't get over that now I'm just as important as anyone...just as important as some guy he passes in the hall. He's not talking to me already and trying to forget everything, but then again, I'm not a top priority. I'm a friend now, and you don't arrange your day around talking to a friend.
He had become such a part of my life, and now I have to cover it up like a hole in the wall. How do you live a life centered around someone who's no longer there? I wish I could start over, and live somewhere else in a new house with new things. It would be so goddamn easier.
I have to tell a bunch of people now. Wow am I going to feel stupid.
Everything is changed. Everything. Every little thing is different now. Whatever, I don't want to be a victim this time, and be suicidal and shit.
I'm not begging for him to come back again, I'm not going to devote my life to his return. He doesn't want to, so that's that. I can't help it, but as about every single one of my friends have said so far "His loss." I love you guys so much, your always there, you've been there for the last few months and even longer. When I need you the most, I can count on you all to be there for me no matter what your busy with or whatever. Thank you so much. I love you all more than you can imagine.
I'll give you all my new livejournal name when I do it, I can't enter that password in here anymore.
Seeya all soon.
~Sarah~
3-30-04