Atrophy.
"Sophie, I don't get you at all."-Jojo
I don't get me either very often. Everything's different, but it hasn't really hit me yet.
Jack and I broke up. It was my decision so there's a dull ache and a sort of uncomfortable loneliness edging in, but it doesn't feel very real at all.
My uncle tried to commit suicide. If I had been closer to him I think I would've done something other than blink at my mother and nod, because it didn't really seem all that suprising. I feel bad. I do. In a very, very distant way.
I am teeming with apathy and coated with numbness at this point. It stopped for a little while, right when I got home. My father started yelling at me for tearing up the lawn with my car trying to get it out of the mud this morning. Not even yelling, just the sternest voice he's used in a long time and a heavy look in his eyes. I lost it and just stood there sobbing for a long time. My eyes got huge and red and wet and I was sniffling because I'm still sort of sick and I was just choking on all my tears and crying about Jack and my decision making and my uncle and how sad and awful my house feels now. I felt so awful for ruining the lawn and for all the bad things I do, but now that my eyes are less red all I feel is a headache coming on and the desire to sink deep.deep.deep. I suppose into the sea, but I might be more deserving of the mud at this point in time.
The science fair is tonight and I want to blame the sick feeling in my stomach on nerves for that. I want to because I am worried that if it's not and it's something else than my guts are right and my head is wrong. And sometimes mistakes can't be fixed.
Additionally, the science fair feels like the end of something, but I don't know what that thing is. Probably nothing and Monday morning is going to be hard.
I don't get me either very often. Everything's different, but it hasn't really hit me yet.
Jack and I broke up. It was my decision so there's a dull ache and a sort of uncomfortable loneliness edging in, but it doesn't feel very real at all.
My uncle tried to commit suicide. If I had been closer to him I think I would've done something other than blink at my mother and nod, because it didn't really seem all that suprising. I feel bad. I do. In a very, very distant way.
I am teeming with apathy and coated with numbness at this point. It stopped for a little while, right when I got home. My father started yelling at me for tearing up the lawn with my car trying to get it out of the mud this morning. Not even yelling, just the sternest voice he's used in a long time and a heavy look in his eyes. I lost it and just stood there sobbing for a long time. My eyes got huge and red and wet and I was sniffling because I'm still sort of sick and I was just choking on all my tears and crying about Jack and my decision making and my uncle and how sad and awful my house feels now. I felt so awful for ruining the lawn and for all the bad things I do, but now that my eyes are less red all I feel is a headache coming on and the desire to sink deep.deep.deep. I suppose into the sea, but I might be more deserving of the mud at this point in time.
The science fair is tonight and I want to blame the sick feeling in my stomach on nerves for that. I want to because I am worried that if it's not and it's something else than my guts are right and my head is wrong. And sometimes mistakes can't be fixed.
Additionally, the science fair feels like the end of something, but I don't know what that thing is. Probably nothing and Monday morning is going to be hard.