(no subject)
I keep another journal online. It's my secret journal, the diary where I keep my secret thoughts, the ones I'm not supposed to think, but the outlet so that they are at least acknowledged in a timeline.
I've been thinking about it for a long time now, and I need to cut ties with this journal, what it means to me and how that period of my life is over with. The following is the last thing I wrote in my secret journal, but feel is a decent farewell, a retirement speech, if you will.
I've been in hiding, for nearly a month now.
I don't know where I'm going. I don't know whose coming with me. And I don't know who I can trust.
It's like everything's going through this evaluation period, where it gets rated as something in terms of how good it's going to be for my future, so I know more about my surroundings so that I can plan my next move. "Where do we go from here??
It's cliche, but I'm at a crossroads. I was at this point last year but it scared me so much that I deferred it for a year. I have to face it now, a jumping off point...not a falling from point, certainly not a starting over paint...well maybe, maybe in terms of certain things, but not a completly blank slate. That's what I'm looking forward to, training wheels for being a grown up. I really like this stage, it's frustrating, but you're learning and you can't fail so much because of that safety net.
Maybe that's all family is. Just a safety net for when you fall. "Don't worry, I'll catch you." It's who you can trust. I'm trying to find my local family. I know it's there, I just want to know who is in and who is out.
.
.
.
I'm glad that pot can do this for me, look at myself in a way that isn't denial or disgust. I've been hiding from my hiding problem. I say it's just because I really like my room and I have everything I need in this little cave, but it's probably something more.
Definetly.
Yeah.
Shit.
Maybe I should be treating this journal as a therapist. No one knows about this journal, so it's confidential, but it's open to anyone passing by, I just don't have to see them passing by, so it's like there is a passive audience, but not one that judges or comments. Like a diary, but a conversation. (it was the only way I could write in a diary as a girl, because I needed to know my audience to know what I was going to write.) Just not handwritten, because I can type faster than I can write so that way I get more of the thoughts out. But I do like the look of handwritten journals, timelessness of it. I toyed with the idea of later writing my journal entries by hand into a nice journal I recieved as a gift. But it ended up being too nice for me and I couldn't judge the quality of the entries that I was writing (because only the good ones could go in the nice journal, so I stopped putting anything in the journal, and when I noticed how long it had been since I put anything into the nice journal I saw how long it had been since I had written a good-enough entry and doubted the quality of my writing, my lifestyle, myself, and stopped writing, documenting, photographing at all because of it. I started looking at the internet as looking at mysef, and how in facebook people present themselves, how they want people who sort of knew them in high school to see them now. I wasn't sure of how they saw me in the first place and I wasn't aware of the fact that they were even looking, but now they're my audience, now they were looking at me, every move I made. What if I don't want them to see me, what if I'm pleasant of the fact that since whatever end date we've been invisible to each other? So what if everyone I graduated high school with is in grad school already and went to Europe last year for a semester on exchange?
I need to stop dwelling on other people's lives and just concern myself with my own. I can't be so concerned with other people's reactions that I never make a move of my own. I need to start motivating myself, be my own cheerleader.
Hahahahahahahahaha, "save the cheerleader, save the world."
I've been thinking about it for a long time now, and I need to cut ties with this journal, what it means to me and how that period of my life is over with. The following is the last thing I wrote in my secret journal, but feel is a decent farewell, a retirement speech, if you will.
I've been in hiding, for nearly a month now.
I don't know where I'm going. I don't know whose coming with me. And I don't know who I can trust.
It's like everything's going through this evaluation period, where it gets rated as something in terms of how good it's going to be for my future, so I know more about my surroundings so that I can plan my next move. "Where do we go from here??
It's cliche, but I'm at a crossroads. I was at this point last year but it scared me so much that I deferred it for a year. I have to face it now, a jumping off point...not a falling from point, certainly not a starting over paint...well maybe, maybe in terms of certain things, but not a completly blank slate. That's what I'm looking forward to, training wheels for being a grown up. I really like this stage, it's frustrating, but you're learning and you can't fail so much because of that safety net.
Maybe that's all family is. Just a safety net for when you fall. "Don't worry, I'll catch you." It's who you can trust. I'm trying to find my local family. I know it's there, I just want to know who is in and who is out.
.
.
.
I'm glad that pot can do this for me, look at myself in a way that isn't denial or disgust. I've been hiding from my hiding problem. I say it's just because I really like my room and I have everything I need in this little cave, but it's probably something more.
Definetly.
Yeah.
Shit.
Maybe I should be treating this journal as a therapist. No one knows about this journal, so it's confidential, but it's open to anyone passing by, I just don't have to see them passing by, so it's like there is a passive audience, but not one that judges or comments. Like a diary, but a conversation. (it was the only way I could write in a diary as a girl, because I needed to know my audience to know what I was going to write.) Just not handwritten, because I can type faster than I can write so that way I get more of the thoughts out. But I do like the look of handwritten journals, timelessness of it. I toyed with the idea of later writing my journal entries by hand into a nice journal I recieved as a gift. But it ended up being too nice for me and I couldn't judge the quality of the entries that I was writing (because only the good ones could go in the nice journal, so I stopped putting anything in the journal, and when I noticed how long it had been since I put anything into the nice journal I saw how long it had been since I had written a good-enough entry and doubted the quality of my writing, my lifestyle, myself, and stopped writing, documenting, photographing at all because of it. I started looking at the internet as looking at mysef, and how in facebook people present themselves, how they want people who sort of knew them in high school to see them now. I wasn't sure of how they saw me in the first place and I wasn't aware of the fact that they were even looking, but now they're my audience, now they were looking at me, every move I made. What if I don't want them to see me, what if I'm pleasant of the fact that since whatever end date we've been invisible to each other? So what if everyone I graduated high school with is in grad school already and went to Europe last year for a semester on exchange?
I need to stop dwelling on other people's lives and just concern myself with my own. I can't be so concerned with other people's reactions that I never make a move of my own. I need to start motivating myself, be my own cheerleader.
Hahahahahahahahaha, "save the cheerleader, save the world."