Apr 21, 2006 21:42
To No One in Particular;
I'm feeling rather lonely lately. It's almost sad that i have no friends at school. And before you all protest that "oh yes Cortney does indeed have friends at school! We're your friends" I'll just go ahead and say "that is not true". I'm not really feeling the friendship right now, more like the 'resentment'.
It's not that we AREN"T friends it's that we aren't as close as we used to be. I think this has to do with some of the choices i have made and some of the choices you have made. For instance, I chose to no longer be friends with a certain female person, whom most of you are friends with. I don't begrudge you your choices, but you did make a choice when you chose not to stand up for me and keep silent. I understand it was your choice to make, but thats not to say it didn't hurt me. I have to admit i felt rather betrayed by your actions or--in this case--inactions. I can't help but think we've grown farther apart, and i don't feel i can trust you with my secrets or feelings as i once did before.
Part of this is, of course, my choice. I could chose to trust you, but i'm naturally cautious about trust you see. I think its better to play it safe, and if i've misjudged you then i'm sorry. I think us growing farther apart may also be a indirect choice of mine; I made my choice to stay with John and i can't say i've regretted it. I don't think i ever will.
But, it saddens me that my good friends, can no longer be that. They are just "friends" now. They vaguely know about my life. But they don't KNOW me anymore. I can't help but feel this may come to be the end of our relationship. You made your choices, and i made mine (which you more than likely don't agree with). I do talk about my relationship with John more than I probably should, but that might be because i can't talk about anything else to you anymore. Or, it might be the fact that he's really involved in my life. The way my friends used to be. If you ask how my weekend went: I'll probably say something about John. He's usually who i'm with on the weekends, and even on the weekdays. Therefore, if you ask about my day, you will most likely hear about him. We're in a relationship, its not really hard to think he might be involved.
My weekends might be more interesting to you if you were involved. I, however, am not asked to hang out with you anymore. You don't want to hang out with me anymore, and that is alright by my standards. You aren't required to be my friend, and i am not required to be yours. I honestly wish it could have turned out better than it has, and that i could say one of you is/are my best friend(s). But that is not the case...
I almost think it's sort of sad that my best friends go to the church i (now) go to. But it's not really. Its because i have chosen a different path then the rest of you. I do not sit with you at lunch anymore, so as not to cause any group friction, i do not talk to you about many personal things in life. For instance--my dreams, fears, hopes, ideas, and other such private matters. It's mostly just the superficial stuff. I can't help but feel i belong elsewhere now.
I think it all comes down to the fact that i just don't understand you anymore. The way you act, the things you have chosen to do, your general behavior...and i suppose that is okay. I can't help that i feel resentment toward most of you, but i think it's more sadness. Because you can't understand me anymore.
And I'm sorry that's the way it has to be.
But i don't feel i've made any decisions I have regretted this year.
~Cortney