A Song as old as Time - part 8
Title: A Song as old as time (8 of 12/13)
FanFic_50 Prompt: Care
Rating: This part PG, over all pg13.
Summary: A chance visit to a bar and the unexpected arrival of an old acquaintance raises a lot questions for Jack and creates a dangerous situation for Ianto.
Notes: This is set during the first series after 1x06 Countrycide, but before 1x08 They Keep Killing Suzie.
part one part two part three part four part five
part six part seven
The cabin is as sparsely furnished as the rest of the ship, comprising of just a single, narrow bed pushed tight against one of the walls, some storage lockers and a small washbasin.
Not that Jack minds the Spartan surroundings, his room under the Hub is scarcely more homely than this. He's never seen the point of decorating it or adding any personal touches, not when he might need to leave at a moments notice. That’s what he tells himself most of the time anyway, occasionally though he wonders if it may just be that he's forgotten what a home should be like, its been so long since he's had one.
Slumping down on the bed with a grateful sigh, Jack watches as Ianto takes off his wet shirt and pulls it as much to shape as he can, before hanging it over one of the heating pipes that run along the ceiling of the cabin, to dry. It amazes him how Ianto can still be so methodical, so organised in the face of all that has happened this evening. Although it occurs to him it maybe just those familiar routines, those little bits of normality that allows him to keep functioning when everything around him is falling apart.
He thinks he should probably offer the bed to Ianto, let him get some rest, he’s sure Ianto could do with it. The only problem with that idea is that Jack wants nothing more than to lie down on it himself and try to rest, maybe even try to get some sleep.
Physically he knows that he doesn’t actually need to sleep anymore, that if necessary he can go for days, even weeks without it. Eventually though, he has found, he has to sleep, because mentally the human brain can only take so much wakefulness before it starts to short circuit. So while nightmares are an occasional unpleasant side effect of sleep, the certainty of hallucinations caused by sleep deprivation, means that Jack does try to sleep when he can, and he's found that in the few hours after death and revival is when he seems most able to do so.
They could share the bed he supposes, but it’s small and it would be a great deal more intimate than he thinks Ianto is likely to be comfortable with, and he doesn’t want to drive him away or make things between them any more awkward than they have been.
Jack is still lost in thought when he feels a hand on his shoulder and Ianto, his voice filled with quiet concern, asking, “Are you all right? You’re shaking.”
It takes him a moment to realise that Ianto is correct, that he has started shivering. Now that the immediate danger has passed and the adrenaline has stop pumping, he feels chilled to the bone, his wet clothes like ice against his skin.
“Sir?” Ianto asks again when he gets no answer.
“I’m just cold.” Jack feels a little bit pathetic admitting it, although he knows he shouldn’t, but it makes him feels like he’s somehow letting Ianto down, that by admitting to any weakness he is failing him both as his boss and as a friend.
“I’m not surprised.” Ianto squeezes water from Jack’s coat sleeve. “You’re soaked.” He considers Jack for a moment, his expression a little nervous, before he speaks again, “Come on, let me help you.”
Jack nods wearily, although he’s almost certain that this is a bad idea. Not that he can seem to recall quite why it might be a bad idea, the feeling of relief from the idea that if Ianto is half as concerned about him as he sounds then maybe, just maybe he doesn’t hate him anymore, seems to drown everything else out.
Ianto has already started to unbutton the greatcoat when Jack remembers just why he shouldn’t have agreed to let Ianto help him, but it’s too late, and Ianto catches sight of Jack’s bloodstained shirt under the coat.
“You’re hurt. You should've said something.” Ianto sounds scared and angry.
“It’s not what you think.” Jack tries to pull his coat shut. He can’t believe that he’s managed forget what a mess his clothes are in. He doesn’t want Ianto to have to see him like this, to have him realise that he is just as alien as many of the creatures that they hunt down.
“Just let me see.” Ianto gently but firmly pulls the coat open again, his eyes going wide in horror as he sees the amount of blood that has soaked into Jack’s shirt and the bullet hole in the material.
Panicked, Ianto grabs the shirt, ripping it open, buttons scattering on the floor as he reveals the bloodied tee shirt beneath. “Just lie still.” He tries to push Jack back to lie down on the bed. “You’ll be alright. I’ll get Jubel to take us to whatever passes as a hospital up here. I mean there is something like out here, isn’t there?” He runs a hand through his hair distractedly. “I mean there has to be, doesn’t there?”
“Ianto.” Jack catches hold of Ianto’s hand, trying to calm him. “Ianto, listen to me, I’m not hurt.”
“But...” Ianto gestures mutely at the bullet hole in Jack’s clothes.
Jack hadn’t wanted to explain all this to Ianto tonight, and if he is brutally honest with himself maybe he never wanted to have to explain it to him at all. But seeing the fear in Ianto’s eyes, knowing that he’s the cause of it, means that he feels like has no choice. Tugging his tee shirt free from his trousers Jack lifts it to reveal bloody, but otherwise undamaged, skin. “See?”
Ianto hesitantly touches Jack’s stomach where the bullet wound should be, where it had been before it healed without even leaving a scar. “I don’t understand.”
“I can’t explain how or why I can heal from injuries like this, because I don’t know.” He doesn’t want to say deaths like this, because that’s hard to explain and even harder to understand. He watches Ianto’s expression for a moment, gauging his response, before continuing, “Something happened to me a long time ago and it changed me, it made me…” Jack shakes his head and sighs. It’s so difficult talking about it, there are so many memories, so much pain attached to it, that it hurts to remember. “Actually I don’t know what it made me, maybe one day I’ll find out.”
Ianto still looks rather pale and shocked when he finally speaks, “You should get out of those wet clothes. It still can’t be good for you, sitting around in them like this.”
“You’re not freaked out about this?” Jack feels he has to ask, if only to put his mind at rest that he has not managed to traumatise Ianto any further than he has already been this evening.
“Of course I am,” he snaps, then looks apologetic. “Sorry, I guess it’s just been a long day, what with being kidnapped, taken into outerspace and finding out my boss is some kind of superman.”
“It’s going to be okay,” Jack says as reassuringly as he can. He’s knows he can’t actually guarantee that everything really will be okay, but he certainly going to try to hardest to make it come true.
Ianto nods and gives Jack a half-hearted smile before starting to help him out of his coat.
A few moments later and now stripped to the waist, Jack watches as Ianto fills the washbasin with hot water and soaks a clean portion of the tee shirt in it, before returning to him.
Ianto is about to start washing the blood off when Jack’s hand closes over the top of his. “I can do this myself, you know.”
“I know, but I just need to see that you’re alright.” He looks a little embarrassed, “That is if you don’t mind.”
“Not at all.” Jack’s not going to refuse, not if it gives Ianto comfort or reassurance.
Jack tries to ignore how Ianto’s hands tremble ever so slightly as he wipes the half-dried blood from his stomach. It would be a lie to say that Jack has never thought about Ianto touching him like this, about his hands moving gently across his skin, about being this close to him and feeling the warmth of his breath against his skin. What those daydreams certainly hadn’t included was him shivering with cold and being covered in blood, those sorts of things were definite mood killers.
Once the blood is washed away and a blanket that Ianto has found in one of storage lockers is wrapped around him Jack starts to feel a little less cold and a lot more able to deal with what is going on.
“Thank you.” Jack places a hand on Ianto’s arm, only to find it is almost immediately pushed away.
“There’s no need, sir.” The barely controlled annoyance in Ianto voice surprises Jack and it takes him a moment to reply.
“There’s every need.” He’s grateful, he really is and he doesn’t want Ianto to think that he is taking him for granted. “I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, for not…” Jack sighs and shakes his head, sure that he’s just making the situation worse.
“Are you angry with me?” Jack tries again, hoping that the answer will be no, but knowing that what he probably deserves is a resounding yes. After all how could Ianto be anything but angry with him?
“Yes.” Ianto turns away from him and throws Jack’s ruined tee shirt into a bin with a little more force than was necessary. “But not for the reasons you think.”
“Are you a mind reader now?” Jack regrets it the moment he’s said it. He knows it’s just one of those jokey turns of phase which under any other circumstance would be a harmless, throwaway line, but after all that Jubel has said, has claimed to be true, Jack really can’t find it funny any more.
“Not exactly.” Ianto bites his lip as he walks back to the bed and sits down next to Jack. “If what Jubel said was true, if I were an empath, what would you do to me?”
“Do to you?” Jack hates the look of fear that has appeared in Ianto’s eyes, the sudden tenseness that seems to radiate from him, hates the fact that he's the one who's caused it.
“I mean you pick and choose which of Torchwood’s directives we actually follow. If I were an empath would that mean that I was an enemy, something for Owen to dissect and experiment on? Or would I just be someone you could use? Just another weapon at Torchwood’s disposal?”
“I would never use you.” He knows it’s a lie the moment it’s said, and worse is Ianto’s sad little smile means that he knows it too. The fact the he would only do it if there was no other choice, if it meant saving lives, is small comfort when weighed against the unhappiness in Ianto’s eyes.
Ianto closes his eyes and sighs. “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, aren’t I, sir?”
“What?”
“If I tell you, or if I don’t.” He looks and sounds emotionally and physically exhausted, and it takes all of Jack’s restraint not to pull him into his arms, hold him close and to try to comfort him. It's only the knowledge that Ianto rarely seems comfortable with that sort of closeness that stops him.
“I’m hardly in a position to say what’s normal, am I?” Jack smiles reassuringly. “Just tell me what you’re comfortable with.”
“I thought for a long time that I was just good at reading body language, that I was just more observant than a lot of people, but eventually I realised that it had to be more than that. It was as if I could feel what they were feeling, that the stronger their emotions were the more I could sense it. ” Ianto gives a frustrated sigh. “That didn’t make much sense, did it?”
“I think I understand. What do you feel about me?” It’s a question that Jack thinks needs to be asked, and even if he doesn’t like the answer, it’s still probably better to know than not to.
“You’re tired. You’re always so tired, and you can’t rest because you’re waiting.” Ianto smiles sadly. “And you’re afraid, afraid that you are failing us, failing everybody, that you’re not living up to standards that no one can ever hope to meet.” He places a hand on Jack’s knee. “You’re not. You’ve never failed us, not when it really mattered.”
Jack can’t hide the shock of how well Ianto has been able to read him, and of how much trust he still has in him despite everything. His voice shakes a little when he speaks, “Do you read everybody this well?”
Ianto gives him a pained look before turning his head away, unable or unwilling to look Jack in the eye any longer, “You mean how could I not have known about Lisa, about what she had become.”
Jack can see Ianto slowly starting to unravel in front of him, the peace that he seems to have gained in the last few weeks falling away. “No, that not what I meant, not at all. Ianto, you don’t have to explain about that.”
“But I do, I need to, and I need you to understand that I wouldn’t have done what I did if I’d known.” He sounds a little desperate and Jack wonders if Ianto has ever shared this with anybody.
“Alright, you just take it slow, okay?”
Ianto nods slowly. “All I get is feelings, I never knew what she was thinking, I didn’t know what she would do.” His hands are clenched tight in his lap, as he struggles for words. “All I could feel was her pain, her pain and desperation. All I knew was that she was suffering and I was the only one there who would help her. I don’t expect that you’ll believe me.”
“I believe you.” Jack says quietly. He knows that Ianto had truly believed that Lisa had still been alive somewhere within the cyberwoman when he has fought so hard for her, because he knows that Ianto would never have compromised Torchwood and endangered so many people if he’d realised what Lisa had become. Jack just wishes he’d found the time to tell Ianto this long before now.
“Thank you.” His voice is barely above a whisper as his hand seeks out Jack’s, holding on tightly as he tries to continue. “She was the best person I’d ever known, she was so…” He takes a ragged breath, struggling to remain in control of his emotions. “I loved her. I still love her.” He looks at Jack, his eyes full of tears. “Some days I don’t know how I can survive without her, on others hours will go by when I don’t think of her at all, and when I realise that I haven’t been thinking of her it’s worse, it’s like I’m betraying her memory. I thought we were meant to be together forever.”
A few tears escape to roll silently down Ianto’s cheeks and he lets go of Jack’s hand to quickly brushes them away. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to see me like this. It’s not very professional is it? ”
“Given the circumstances I’d be worried if you were. You have to let yourself grieve for her.” Not that Jack isn’t already worried now that he knows just how much Ianto has been internalising everything and how convincingly he has hidden the fact that he's still so broken inside from all that has happened.
“I know.” Ianto’s voice is barely above a whisper as he closes his eyes, and leans against Jack’s shoulder. "But if I do, it means she's really gone."
They sit in silence, Jack’s hand resting lightly on Ianto’s knee, seeking to remind him that he doesn’t have to be alone. It hurts to see Ianto so worn down, so emotionally fragile, and Jack can’t help but think he’s a useless boss and an even worse friend for not noticing how unhappy Ianto still is.
Jack knows that watching Ianto sing, seeing him so happy outside of Torchwood has let him fool himself into thinking that Ianto had somehow managed to get over everything in a couple of short months. Now he’s scared that the happy smiles and laughter at the bar were all just a front as well.
It’s probably not the best time to start talking about Ianto singing, not least because it brings up the whole problem of having to explain just why he’d watched Ianto for weeks without ever telling him. That said, he doesn’t want Ianto to go on suffering in silence, not if there's something he can do to help.
“Ianto.” Jack squeezes Ianto’s leg gently to get his attention. “I don’t want to pry, and you can tell me it’s none of my business if you want, but you seemed so happy when it saw you singing. I just want to know if it was true?”
“Yes.” Ianto’s smile is a little watery, unshed tears drying in his eyes because he will not let them fall. “It’s the atmosphere in there. It’s happy, relaxed, it reminds me that there are still good people in this world, that love still exists.” He looks steadily at Jack for the first time that evening, “It gives me hope, it lets me know that things can be right again and that I will get through this.”
“I’m sorry I watched you how I did. I know I should have come clean that first night, but I didn’t know what to say, and every time I went back and listened to you again, saw how happy you seemed, I didn't want to ruin it for you.”
“You wouldn’t have. I’m flattered that you think I’m good enough to listen to more than once.”
“It’s not flattery, not if it’s true, and I’ve told you, it’s that beautiful Welsh accent, I could listen to you all day and never get tired of it.” Jack knows it’s probably a little to close to flirting to be anything like appropriate, but he’s never been a big fan of appropriate and if it lightens the mood a little he’s definitely all for it.
Instead of answering though Ianto tries, mostly unsuccessfully, to stifle a yawn.
“Speaking of tired, you should try to sleep.”
“So should you.” Ianto counters, looking first at Jack and then at the bed, and then at Jack again.
“You can take the bed first.”
“We could always share,” Ianto suggests a little hesitantly.
“It’ll be cosy.” It’s not that Jack wants to put Ianto off the idea, he’s all in favour of being in bed with Ianto. What he isn’t sure about is whether Ianto is offering because he feels that he should or if he really doesn’t mind. Considering everything that has happened between them, both tonight and in the last few months, Jack really doesn’t want to pressure Ianto into anything that he might not be comfortable with, even if that something is only sleep.
“I doubt you’ll mind.”
“Will you?”
“I’m too tired to mind.” Ianto’s tone suggests that he is not going to stand for any further argument on the matter, so Jack decided to just go with it.
“Well, in that case do you want the side nearest the wall or the door?”
“Door.” Ianto says without hesitation.
“All right then.” Jack’s not going to argue about it, after all he gave Ianto the choice, it’s not Ianto fault that he chose the same spot Jack would have taken himself. Jack knows Ianto’s reasoning though, it’s the same as his own, the same as anyone who has been thought too many difficult and dangerous situations, he wants to be able to see and have easy access to an escape route should things start to go wrong.
Lying down with his back as close to the wall as he can, Jack tries to give Ianto as much room as possible. Not that there’s much room, and with Ianto in the bed Jack finds himself almost spooned against Ianto’s back as it’s the only way they’ll both fit.
Not that he’s going to complain, he’s grateful for the additional warmth and it doesn’t hurt than Ianto has a very nice body to spoon against. So despite his earlier misgivings about Ianto not being comfortable with such an arrangement, Jack has to admit that Ianto has actually shown no signs of being anything less than okay with their current situation.
Closing his eyes, Jack lets the steady hum of the ship and gentle sound of Ianto’s breathing lull him to sleep.
Part nine
FanFic_50 Prompt: Care
Rating: This part PG, over all pg13.
Summary: A chance visit to a bar and the unexpected arrival of an old acquaintance raises a lot questions for Jack and creates a dangerous situation for Ianto.
Notes: This is set during the first series after 1x06 Countrycide, but before 1x08 They Keep Killing Suzie.
part one part two part three part four part five
part six part seven
The cabin is as sparsely furnished as the rest of the ship, comprising of just a single, narrow bed pushed tight against one of the walls, some storage lockers and a small washbasin.
Not that Jack minds the Spartan surroundings, his room under the Hub is scarcely more homely than this. He's never seen the point of decorating it or adding any personal touches, not when he might need to leave at a moments notice. That’s what he tells himself most of the time anyway, occasionally though he wonders if it may just be that he's forgotten what a home should be like, its been so long since he's had one.
Slumping down on the bed with a grateful sigh, Jack watches as Ianto takes off his wet shirt and pulls it as much to shape as he can, before hanging it over one of the heating pipes that run along the ceiling of the cabin, to dry. It amazes him how Ianto can still be so methodical, so organised in the face of all that has happened this evening. Although it occurs to him it maybe just those familiar routines, those little bits of normality that allows him to keep functioning when everything around him is falling apart.
He thinks he should probably offer the bed to Ianto, let him get some rest, he’s sure Ianto could do with it. The only problem with that idea is that Jack wants nothing more than to lie down on it himself and try to rest, maybe even try to get some sleep.
Physically he knows that he doesn’t actually need to sleep anymore, that if necessary he can go for days, even weeks without it. Eventually though, he has found, he has to sleep, because mentally the human brain can only take so much wakefulness before it starts to short circuit. So while nightmares are an occasional unpleasant side effect of sleep, the certainty of hallucinations caused by sleep deprivation, means that Jack does try to sleep when he can, and he's found that in the few hours after death and revival is when he seems most able to do so.
They could share the bed he supposes, but it’s small and it would be a great deal more intimate than he thinks Ianto is likely to be comfortable with, and he doesn’t want to drive him away or make things between them any more awkward than they have been.
Jack is still lost in thought when he feels a hand on his shoulder and Ianto, his voice filled with quiet concern, asking, “Are you all right? You’re shaking.”
It takes him a moment to realise that Ianto is correct, that he has started shivering. Now that the immediate danger has passed and the adrenaline has stop pumping, he feels chilled to the bone, his wet clothes like ice against his skin.
“Sir?” Ianto asks again when he gets no answer.
“I’m just cold.” Jack feels a little bit pathetic admitting it, although he knows he shouldn’t, but it makes him feels like he’s somehow letting Ianto down, that by admitting to any weakness he is failing him both as his boss and as a friend.
“I’m not surprised.” Ianto squeezes water from Jack’s coat sleeve. “You’re soaked.” He considers Jack for a moment, his expression a little nervous, before he speaks again, “Come on, let me help you.”
Jack nods wearily, although he’s almost certain that this is a bad idea. Not that he can seem to recall quite why it might be a bad idea, the feeling of relief from the idea that if Ianto is half as concerned about him as he sounds then maybe, just maybe he doesn’t hate him anymore, seems to drown everything else out.
Ianto has already started to unbutton the greatcoat when Jack remembers just why he shouldn’t have agreed to let Ianto help him, but it’s too late, and Ianto catches sight of Jack’s bloodstained shirt under the coat.
“You’re hurt. You should've said something.” Ianto sounds scared and angry.
“It’s not what you think.” Jack tries to pull his coat shut. He can’t believe that he’s managed forget what a mess his clothes are in. He doesn’t want Ianto to have to see him like this, to have him realise that he is just as alien as many of the creatures that they hunt down.
“Just let me see.” Ianto gently but firmly pulls the coat open again, his eyes going wide in horror as he sees the amount of blood that has soaked into Jack’s shirt and the bullet hole in the material.
Panicked, Ianto grabs the shirt, ripping it open, buttons scattering on the floor as he reveals the bloodied tee shirt beneath. “Just lie still.” He tries to push Jack back to lie down on the bed. “You’ll be alright. I’ll get Jubel to take us to whatever passes as a hospital up here. I mean there is something like out here, isn’t there?” He runs a hand through his hair distractedly. “I mean there has to be, doesn’t there?”
“Ianto.” Jack catches hold of Ianto’s hand, trying to calm him. “Ianto, listen to me, I’m not hurt.”
“But...” Ianto gestures mutely at the bullet hole in Jack’s clothes.
Jack hadn’t wanted to explain all this to Ianto tonight, and if he is brutally honest with himself maybe he never wanted to have to explain it to him at all. But seeing the fear in Ianto’s eyes, knowing that he’s the cause of it, means that he feels like has no choice. Tugging his tee shirt free from his trousers Jack lifts it to reveal bloody, but otherwise undamaged, skin. “See?”
Ianto hesitantly touches Jack’s stomach where the bullet wound should be, where it had been before it healed without even leaving a scar. “I don’t understand.”
“I can’t explain how or why I can heal from injuries like this, because I don’t know.” He doesn’t want to say deaths like this, because that’s hard to explain and even harder to understand. He watches Ianto’s expression for a moment, gauging his response, before continuing, “Something happened to me a long time ago and it changed me, it made me…” Jack shakes his head and sighs. It’s so difficult talking about it, there are so many memories, so much pain attached to it, that it hurts to remember. “Actually I don’t know what it made me, maybe one day I’ll find out.”
Ianto still looks rather pale and shocked when he finally speaks, “You should get out of those wet clothes. It still can’t be good for you, sitting around in them like this.”
“You’re not freaked out about this?” Jack feels he has to ask, if only to put his mind at rest that he has not managed to traumatise Ianto any further than he has already been this evening.
“Of course I am,” he snaps, then looks apologetic. “Sorry, I guess it’s just been a long day, what with being kidnapped, taken into outerspace and finding out my boss is some kind of superman.”
“It’s going to be okay,” Jack says as reassuringly as he can. He’s knows he can’t actually guarantee that everything really will be okay, but he certainly going to try to hardest to make it come true.
Ianto nods and gives Jack a half-hearted smile before starting to help him out of his coat.
A few moments later and now stripped to the waist, Jack watches as Ianto fills the washbasin with hot water and soaks a clean portion of the tee shirt in it, before returning to him.
Ianto is about to start washing the blood off when Jack’s hand closes over the top of his. “I can do this myself, you know.”
“I know, but I just need to see that you’re alright.” He looks a little embarrassed, “That is if you don’t mind.”
“Not at all.” Jack’s not going to refuse, not if it gives Ianto comfort or reassurance.
Jack tries to ignore how Ianto’s hands tremble ever so slightly as he wipes the half-dried blood from his stomach. It would be a lie to say that Jack has never thought about Ianto touching him like this, about his hands moving gently across his skin, about being this close to him and feeling the warmth of his breath against his skin. What those daydreams certainly hadn’t included was him shivering with cold and being covered in blood, those sorts of things were definite mood killers.
Once the blood is washed away and a blanket that Ianto has found in one of storage lockers is wrapped around him Jack starts to feel a little less cold and a lot more able to deal with what is going on.
“Thank you.” Jack places a hand on Ianto’s arm, only to find it is almost immediately pushed away.
“There’s no need, sir.” The barely controlled annoyance in Ianto voice surprises Jack and it takes him a moment to reply.
“There’s every need.” He’s grateful, he really is and he doesn’t want Ianto to think that he is taking him for granted. “I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, for not…” Jack sighs and shakes his head, sure that he’s just making the situation worse.
“Are you angry with me?” Jack tries again, hoping that the answer will be no, but knowing that what he probably deserves is a resounding yes. After all how could Ianto be anything but angry with him?
“Yes.” Ianto turns away from him and throws Jack’s ruined tee shirt into a bin with a little more force than was necessary. “But not for the reasons you think.”
“Are you a mind reader now?” Jack regrets it the moment he’s said it. He knows it’s just one of those jokey turns of phase which under any other circumstance would be a harmless, throwaway line, but after all that Jubel has said, has claimed to be true, Jack really can’t find it funny any more.
“Not exactly.” Ianto bites his lip as he walks back to the bed and sits down next to Jack. “If what Jubel said was true, if I were an empath, what would you do to me?”
“Do to you?” Jack hates the look of fear that has appeared in Ianto’s eyes, the sudden tenseness that seems to radiate from him, hates the fact that he's the one who's caused it.
“I mean you pick and choose which of Torchwood’s directives we actually follow. If I were an empath would that mean that I was an enemy, something for Owen to dissect and experiment on? Or would I just be someone you could use? Just another weapon at Torchwood’s disposal?”
“I would never use you.” He knows it’s a lie the moment it’s said, and worse is Ianto’s sad little smile means that he knows it too. The fact the he would only do it if there was no other choice, if it meant saving lives, is small comfort when weighed against the unhappiness in Ianto’s eyes.
Ianto closes his eyes and sighs. “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, aren’t I, sir?”
“What?”
“If I tell you, or if I don’t.” He looks and sounds emotionally and physically exhausted, and it takes all of Jack’s restraint not to pull him into his arms, hold him close and to try to comfort him. It's only the knowledge that Ianto rarely seems comfortable with that sort of closeness that stops him.
“I’m hardly in a position to say what’s normal, am I?” Jack smiles reassuringly. “Just tell me what you’re comfortable with.”
“I thought for a long time that I was just good at reading body language, that I was just more observant than a lot of people, but eventually I realised that it had to be more than that. It was as if I could feel what they were feeling, that the stronger their emotions were the more I could sense it. ” Ianto gives a frustrated sigh. “That didn’t make much sense, did it?”
“I think I understand. What do you feel about me?” It’s a question that Jack thinks needs to be asked, and even if he doesn’t like the answer, it’s still probably better to know than not to.
“You’re tired. You’re always so tired, and you can’t rest because you’re waiting.” Ianto smiles sadly. “And you’re afraid, afraid that you are failing us, failing everybody, that you’re not living up to standards that no one can ever hope to meet.” He places a hand on Jack’s knee. “You’re not. You’ve never failed us, not when it really mattered.”
Jack can’t hide the shock of how well Ianto has been able to read him, and of how much trust he still has in him despite everything. His voice shakes a little when he speaks, “Do you read everybody this well?”
Ianto gives him a pained look before turning his head away, unable or unwilling to look Jack in the eye any longer, “You mean how could I not have known about Lisa, about what she had become.”
Jack can see Ianto slowly starting to unravel in front of him, the peace that he seems to have gained in the last few weeks falling away. “No, that not what I meant, not at all. Ianto, you don’t have to explain about that.”
“But I do, I need to, and I need you to understand that I wouldn’t have done what I did if I’d known.” He sounds a little desperate and Jack wonders if Ianto has ever shared this with anybody.
“Alright, you just take it slow, okay?”
Ianto nods slowly. “All I get is feelings, I never knew what she was thinking, I didn’t know what she would do.” His hands are clenched tight in his lap, as he struggles for words. “All I could feel was her pain, her pain and desperation. All I knew was that she was suffering and I was the only one there who would help her. I don’t expect that you’ll believe me.”
“I believe you.” Jack says quietly. He knows that Ianto had truly believed that Lisa had still been alive somewhere within the cyberwoman when he has fought so hard for her, because he knows that Ianto would never have compromised Torchwood and endangered so many people if he’d realised what Lisa had become. Jack just wishes he’d found the time to tell Ianto this long before now.
“Thank you.” His voice is barely above a whisper as his hand seeks out Jack’s, holding on tightly as he tries to continue. “She was the best person I’d ever known, she was so…” He takes a ragged breath, struggling to remain in control of his emotions. “I loved her. I still love her.” He looks at Jack, his eyes full of tears. “Some days I don’t know how I can survive without her, on others hours will go by when I don’t think of her at all, and when I realise that I haven’t been thinking of her it’s worse, it’s like I’m betraying her memory. I thought we were meant to be together forever.”
A few tears escape to roll silently down Ianto’s cheeks and he lets go of Jack’s hand to quickly brushes them away. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to see me like this. It’s not very professional is it? ”
“Given the circumstances I’d be worried if you were. You have to let yourself grieve for her.” Not that Jack isn’t already worried now that he knows just how much Ianto has been internalising everything and how convincingly he has hidden the fact that he's still so broken inside from all that has happened.
“I know.” Ianto’s voice is barely above a whisper as he closes his eyes, and leans against Jack’s shoulder. "But if I do, it means she's really gone."
They sit in silence, Jack’s hand resting lightly on Ianto’s knee, seeking to remind him that he doesn’t have to be alone. It hurts to see Ianto so worn down, so emotionally fragile, and Jack can’t help but think he’s a useless boss and an even worse friend for not noticing how unhappy Ianto still is.
Jack knows that watching Ianto sing, seeing him so happy outside of Torchwood has let him fool himself into thinking that Ianto had somehow managed to get over everything in a couple of short months. Now he’s scared that the happy smiles and laughter at the bar were all just a front as well.
It’s probably not the best time to start talking about Ianto singing, not least because it brings up the whole problem of having to explain just why he’d watched Ianto for weeks without ever telling him. That said, he doesn’t want Ianto to go on suffering in silence, not if there's something he can do to help.
“Ianto.” Jack squeezes Ianto’s leg gently to get his attention. “I don’t want to pry, and you can tell me it’s none of my business if you want, but you seemed so happy when it saw you singing. I just want to know if it was true?”
“Yes.” Ianto’s smile is a little watery, unshed tears drying in his eyes because he will not let them fall. “It’s the atmosphere in there. It’s happy, relaxed, it reminds me that there are still good people in this world, that love still exists.” He looks steadily at Jack for the first time that evening, “It gives me hope, it lets me know that things can be right again and that I will get through this.”
“I’m sorry I watched you how I did. I know I should have come clean that first night, but I didn’t know what to say, and every time I went back and listened to you again, saw how happy you seemed, I didn't want to ruin it for you.”
“You wouldn’t have. I’m flattered that you think I’m good enough to listen to more than once.”
“It’s not flattery, not if it’s true, and I’ve told you, it’s that beautiful Welsh accent, I could listen to you all day and never get tired of it.” Jack knows it’s probably a little to close to flirting to be anything like appropriate, but he’s never been a big fan of appropriate and if it lightens the mood a little he’s definitely all for it.
Instead of answering though Ianto tries, mostly unsuccessfully, to stifle a yawn.
“Speaking of tired, you should try to sleep.”
“So should you.” Ianto counters, looking first at Jack and then at the bed, and then at Jack again.
“You can take the bed first.”
“We could always share,” Ianto suggests a little hesitantly.
“It’ll be cosy.” It’s not that Jack wants to put Ianto off the idea, he’s all in favour of being in bed with Ianto. What he isn’t sure about is whether Ianto is offering because he feels that he should or if he really doesn’t mind. Considering everything that has happened between them, both tonight and in the last few months, Jack really doesn’t want to pressure Ianto into anything that he might not be comfortable with, even if that something is only sleep.
“I doubt you’ll mind.”
“Will you?”
“I’m too tired to mind.” Ianto’s tone suggests that he is not going to stand for any further argument on the matter, so Jack decided to just go with it.
“Well, in that case do you want the side nearest the wall or the door?”
“Door.” Ianto says without hesitation.
“All right then.” Jack’s not going to argue about it, after all he gave Ianto the choice, it’s not Ianto fault that he chose the same spot Jack would have taken himself. Jack knows Ianto’s reasoning though, it’s the same as his own, the same as anyone who has been thought too many difficult and dangerous situations, he wants to be able to see and have easy access to an escape route should things start to go wrong.
Lying down with his back as close to the wall as he can, Jack tries to give Ianto as much room as possible. Not that there’s much room, and with Ianto in the bed Jack finds himself almost spooned against Ianto’s back as it’s the only way they’ll both fit.
Not that he’s going to complain, he’s grateful for the additional warmth and it doesn’t hurt than Ianto has a very nice body to spoon against. So despite his earlier misgivings about Ianto not being comfortable with such an arrangement, Jack has to admit that Ianto has actually shown no signs of being anything less than okay with their current situation.
Closing his eyes, Jack lets the steady hum of the ship and gentle sound of Ianto’s breathing lull him to sleep.
Part nine