Fic: Closer Together and Further Away. (8/11)
The days dragged one into another as the weather slowly improved, the air growing warmer and the marshes greener. Ianto found he spent more time out on the lake with Star-Chosen, his grasp of the language just about good enough for him not to be too much of a liability while they fished. While Owen split his time between working with Cisca-Mar, trying to learn what the various herbs she used did and helping Jack, making sure he kept exercising his leg.
Jack seemed to retreat from them as they days grew longer and hotter, spending his time sitting outside staring out across the lake. His leg was continuing to heal, although the twisted mass of scar tissue on his leg still gave him pain sometimes and he was still reliant to some extent on the walking stick that Owen had made for him.
It had to be hard for him, Ianto told himself as he went to find him and tell him it was almost time for lunch. Not so long ago he'd been immortal, he'd lived for more than a hundred years in perfect health and had eternity to do whatever he wanted. Now he was facing the fact that he'd nearly died, that middle age wasn't all that far away and that there was the possibility, although Owen played down the fact, that his leg might never recover enough for him not to need a stick. With all of that on top of the fact that they were stuck on a planet, away from their friends with little to no hope of rescue or ever seeing them again, it amazed Ianto that Jack found the strength to get up each day
He found Jack in his usual spot, the end of the longest of the jetties, looking out at the sunlight shimmering on the water, a lost expression on his face.
“How did it go with Rila-Bek today? Pon-Pel said she was going to find you something to do for the Double Moon festival. Something to do with making drinks.”
Jack picked morosely at the edge of the wooden planking of the jetty. “How do you think?”
Another bad day then, Ianto thought with a sigh as he sat down next to him, not knowing what to say to even begin to make it better.
Sitting in awkward silence they watched the boats leaving and returning across the lake, while Star-Chosen children swam in the clear water, splashing each other and laughing.
“Owen thinks you should try swimming,” Ianto said, the atmosphere between them finally getting too much for him. “The water is a lot warmer now and it would be good exercise. I could join you if you'd like, I should practice more as Pon-Pel is talking about letting me come on one of the trips out to the coast.”
“What's the point? It's not getting any better. Just look at me,” Jack said miserably, waving a hand to indicate his still too thin face. “I used to be a poster boy you know. The Face of Boe they called me. Boeshane that is, not the famous giant head in a jar. Even he'd be more use to you now than I am.”
“Don't,” Ianto said taking Jack's hand in his, hating to hear him sounding so low.
Jack stared at him and leant in as if expecting a kiss.
“I'm sorry, I can't. Not right now,” Ianto said, turning his face away, hating to do it to him. Part of him desperately wanted to kiss him, to put his arms around him and hold him tight and see if the old Jack, the one who despite all the difficulties in his life was full of love and joy, would reappear even if it was only for a few moments. Yet he couldn't, it felt too much like cheating on Owen, even though they hadn't made any claims on each other for exclusivity.
“You mean not now I'm like this,” Jack said bitterly, pulling away from him. “I never thought you were so damn shallow.”
“Jack, please I...”
“No.” He got up awkwardly with the aid of his stick. “Just leave me alone.”
Standing on the jetty, Ianto watched Jack slowly limp away and wondered how it had all gone so wrong.
He wanted to chase away the emptiness in Jack's eyes, to let him know that he wasn't alone, that he was loved and cared for and that was never going to conditional on what he was able to do. But Ianto knew that whatever his intentions, with Jack and their history together there was a very good chance that it would become something sexual.
And there in lay another problem. Neither he nor Owen had told Jack about their arrangement or as it was rapidly becoming, relationship. They hadn't set out to deceive him, but he'd been so weak and so worn down by pain that it had seemed unkind to tell him at first. Then he'd been so irritable with them that neither of them wanted to face what he'd say, as while they weren't doing anything wrong Jack had the ability to make then both feel like they were the worse friends in the world.
And now, Ianto thought, getting up to go and join Pon-Pel on his job for the day, getting more than two words at a time out of Jack was difficult, and that hardly leant itself to the type of conversation they needed.
X0X0X0X
“I've been thinking about Jack,” Ianto said as he climbed under the covers next to Owen that night. If he was honest there had been nothing but Jack on his mind since their almost kiss that afternoon.
The more he'd thought about him the more he'd missed what they'd had before Jack had left. The closeness, the fragile but growing sense of trust between them, the way Jack would laugh and joke and late nights together naked in each other’s arms, when he'd chase away his fears and doubts. He even missed the difficult times when Jack had been filled with doubt or consumed with memories of the past, because then, unlike now, he'd felt able to help.
The truth, as hard as it was to admit even to himself, was simple. He'd been in love with Jack then and he still was now. Yet he felt the same about Owen, some things were different, but when it came down to it, he didn't want to think about a life without Owen in it in the way he was now. It was a mess, and as painful as it was to think about, he knew he had to do something about it before it tore him and them apart.
Owen rolled over so that he was facing him. “Haven't we all. He was a right bastard this afternoon about exercising, worse than usual. He needs else something to do, something to occupy his mind so he's not just sitting there worrying about how long his leg is going to take to heal. It'll get there in the end, just not as fast as he wants it to.”
“I know,” Ianto replied, uncertain of how to start the conversation that he and Owen really needed to have. “Pon-Pel has offered to take him on a fishing trip to the far side of the lake and Rila-Bek and few others have got him helping with the preparations for something called the Double Moon festival.”
Owen let Ianto talk for a couple more minutes, a growing look of irritation on his face, and then said, “That's not why you were thinking about Jack, was it?”
Lying on his back looking up as the ceiling Ianto sighed, wondering how he'd become so transparent. He was sure he'd been better at hiding his feeling than this. Although he supposed, at least it meant they were going to talk about it. “No. I was thinking about him, about us.”
“I guess I should have known that once he was back on his feet that would be it,” Owen said bitterly. “It was never going to be me was it? Gwen picked Rhys and Diane took her chances with the Rift rather than be with me.”
“Owen...”
“No, it's fine.” Owen kicked off the covers and moved to get out of bed. “I 'spose I should be grateful that it lasted past him waking up. Well, it was fun while it lasted.”
“Stop it.” Ianto grabbed hold of his arm to stop him leaving. “I care about you both and I don't want to lose this. I don't want to lose you.”
“So what are you saying?”
If I knew that, Ianto thought, then this whole conversation wouldn't be so damn hard. What could he say? That I love both of you? That I want to be with both of you? That having to choose between you is going to break by heart?
“Look, I'm not a bloody mind reader,” Owen said frustrated, freeing himself from Ianto's grip. “What is it you want? Because if you're suggesting you spend half the week with Jack and the other half with me it's not going to work. Jack will know.”
“Of course not, I'm not talking about an affair, with us sneaking about behind each other’s backs. It would be the three of us, together.”
“Really?” Owen said, anger draining away a little. ”I never figured you were so kinky. Although I 'spose there had to be a reason why Jack was interested.”
“I don't just mean sex,” Ianto said wondering if Owen ever thought beyond the physical. “I mean the three of us together in a proper relationship.”
Owen stared at him in growing disbelief. “You really mean that, don't you?”
“Yes.” He took a deep breath, nerves starting to get the better of him. “It's a lot to ask, I know, but I don't think I can choose between you. I don't want to have to.”
“You really can't choose between us?”
“Didn't you tell me that Jack and I were equal as far as you were concerned?”
“Yeah, but...”
“You didn't think I'd think you and Jack are?” And that, Ianto thought, was perhaps one of Owen's biggest flaws, that he frequently showed little or no consideration for others because he never expected any for himself.
Owen shrugged. “Well you did shoot me last time you had choose.”
“I didn't choose Jack though, did I?” Ianto said thinking how close to the edge he'd been, how even now he wasn't sure if he'd meant just to injure. “That was about protecting Cardiff, about keeping a lot of people safe. After what happened with Lisa, I couldn't put myself, my feelings first, and live knowing people died.”
“So why'd you help us open the Rift then?”
“Time was fragmenting and it would have only got worse. Jack admitted that he didn't have any answers, any way to fix it.” Ianto took a shaky breath. “I knew about the protocol that had been set out years ago about opening the Rift and it seemed like a better option that doing nothing.” His stomach felt like it was in knots and he turned away from Owen as he said, “I didn't think we were going to survive it, but least the world would have been safe.”
“Fuck,” Owen said quietly, something close to fear in his voice. “Seriously, you thought that and did it anyway?”
Ianto nodded, feeling shaken. “Tosh knew about it too. We told Jack that if that's what it took we'd do it.”
“I thought you were trying to get Lisa back and I wasn't sure about Tosh. Any way, let's not talk about this anymore tonight. You can ask Jack tomorrow about whether he'd be up for a threesome if you like, and we'll take it from there. I can't promise anything, well apart from sex,” Owen said, “But if you really want this then I 'spose I should at least give it a go.”
“If you don't want this, tell me,” Ianto said hating that he was being made to feel like he was pushing Owen into something he wasn't comfortable with. “Owen, please. If this is going make you miserable, if you know you can't do, don't get my hopes up.”
“You do know Jack might say no,” Owen said, then shook his head. “Okay it'd be turning down a chance at getting laid, but stranger things have happened.”
“That's not an answer. Seriously, I'm not going to ask him anything unless I know you're all right with this.”
“Just stop over thinking everything I say,” Owen said wearily. “I can't promise you a proper relationship, not like you mean it, not even if you were suggesting it was just the two of us. I don't do that kind of commitment. I can't. So that's it. I can give you what we have now plus Jack in our bed too, but not more.”
It wasn't what he wanted, but Ianto knew that for now it was as close as he was likely to get, provided of course Jack said yes, and maybe given time Owen would realise that what they already had far more than just sex. “Thank you.”
“It's not like sex with Jack is going to be much of a hardship,” Owen said as ran his hand down Ianto's hip. “But tonight it's still just the two of us and I don't want to waste a minute of it.”
Ianto smiled at him and moved closer, hooking a leg over his. “And I wouldn't want to make you.”
Link to part nine
Jack seemed to retreat from them as they days grew longer and hotter, spending his time sitting outside staring out across the lake. His leg was continuing to heal, although the twisted mass of scar tissue on his leg still gave him pain sometimes and he was still reliant to some extent on the walking stick that Owen had made for him.
It had to be hard for him, Ianto told himself as he went to find him and tell him it was almost time for lunch. Not so long ago he'd been immortal, he'd lived for more than a hundred years in perfect health and had eternity to do whatever he wanted. Now he was facing the fact that he'd nearly died, that middle age wasn't all that far away and that there was the possibility, although Owen played down the fact, that his leg might never recover enough for him not to need a stick. With all of that on top of the fact that they were stuck on a planet, away from their friends with little to no hope of rescue or ever seeing them again, it amazed Ianto that Jack found the strength to get up each day
He found Jack in his usual spot, the end of the longest of the jetties, looking out at the sunlight shimmering on the water, a lost expression on his face.
“How did it go with Rila-Bek today? Pon-Pel said she was going to find you something to do for the Double Moon festival. Something to do with making drinks.”
Jack picked morosely at the edge of the wooden planking of the jetty. “How do you think?”
Another bad day then, Ianto thought with a sigh as he sat down next to him, not knowing what to say to even begin to make it better.
Sitting in awkward silence they watched the boats leaving and returning across the lake, while Star-Chosen children swam in the clear water, splashing each other and laughing.
“Owen thinks you should try swimming,” Ianto said, the atmosphere between them finally getting too much for him. “The water is a lot warmer now and it would be good exercise. I could join you if you'd like, I should practice more as Pon-Pel is talking about letting me come on one of the trips out to the coast.”
“What's the point? It's not getting any better. Just look at me,” Jack said miserably, waving a hand to indicate his still too thin face. “I used to be a poster boy you know. The Face of Boe they called me. Boeshane that is, not the famous giant head in a jar. Even he'd be more use to you now than I am.”
“Don't,” Ianto said taking Jack's hand in his, hating to hear him sounding so low.
Jack stared at him and leant in as if expecting a kiss.
“I'm sorry, I can't. Not right now,” Ianto said, turning his face away, hating to do it to him. Part of him desperately wanted to kiss him, to put his arms around him and hold him tight and see if the old Jack, the one who despite all the difficulties in his life was full of love and joy, would reappear even if it was only for a few moments. Yet he couldn't, it felt too much like cheating on Owen, even though they hadn't made any claims on each other for exclusivity.
“You mean not now I'm like this,” Jack said bitterly, pulling away from him. “I never thought you were so damn shallow.”
“Jack, please I...”
“No.” He got up awkwardly with the aid of his stick. “Just leave me alone.”
Standing on the jetty, Ianto watched Jack slowly limp away and wondered how it had all gone so wrong.
He wanted to chase away the emptiness in Jack's eyes, to let him know that he wasn't alone, that he was loved and cared for and that was never going to conditional on what he was able to do. But Ianto knew that whatever his intentions, with Jack and their history together there was a very good chance that it would become something sexual.
And there in lay another problem. Neither he nor Owen had told Jack about their arrangement or as it was rapidly becoming, relationship. They hadn't set out to deceive him, but he'd been so weak and so worn down by pain that it had seemed unkind to tell him at first. Then he'd been so irritable with them that neither of them wanted to face what he'd say, as while they weren't doing anything wrong Jack had the ability to make then both feel like they were the worse friends in the world.
And now, Ianto thought, getting up to go and join Pon-Pel on his job for the day, getting more than two words at a time out of Jack was difficult, and that hardly leant itself to the type of conversation they needed.
X0X0X0X
“I've been thinking about Jack,” Ianto said as he climbed under the covers next to Owen that night. If he was honest there had been nothing but Jack on his mind since their almost kiss that afternoon.
The more he'd thought about him the more he'd missed what they'd had before Jack had left. The closeness, the fragile but growing sense of trust between them, the way Jack would laugh and joke and late nights together naked in each other’s arms, when he'd chase away his fears and doubts. He even missed the difficult times when Jack had been filled with doubt or consumed with memories of the past, because then, unlike now, he'd felt able to help.
The truth, as hard as it was to admit even to himself, was simple. He'd been in love with Jack then and he still was now. Yet he felt the same about Owen, some things were different, but when it came down to it, he didn't want to think about a life without Owen in it in the way he was now. It was a mess, and as painful as it was to think about, he knew he had to do something about it before it tore him and them apart.
Owen rolled over so that he was facing him. “Haven't we all. He was a right bastard this afternoon about exercising, worse than usual. He needs else something to do, something to occupy his mind so he's not just sitting there worrying about how long his leg is going to take to heal. It'll get there in the end, just not as fast as he wants it to.”
“I know,” Ianto replied, uncertain of how to start the conversation that he and Owen really needed to have. “Pon-Pel has offered to take him on a fishing trip to the far side of the lake and Rila-Bek and few others have got him helping with the preparations for something called the Double Moon festival.”
Owen let Ianto talk for a couple more minutes, a growing look of irritation on his face, and then said, “That's not why you were thinking about Jack, was it?”
Lying on his back looking up as the ceiling Ianto sighed, wondering how he'd become so transparent. He was sure he'd been better at hiding his feeling than this. Although he supposed, at least it meant they were going to talk about it. “No. I was thinking about him, about us.”
“I guess I should have known that once he was back on his feet that would be it,” Owen said bitterly. “It was never going to be me was it? Gwen picked Rhys and Diane took her chances with the Rift rather than be with me.”
“Owen...”
“No, it's fine.” Owen kicked off the covers and moved to get out of bed. “I 'spose I should be grateful that it lasted past him waking up. Well, it was fun while it lasted.”
“Stop it.” Ianto grabbed hold of his arm to stop him leaving. “I care about you both and I don't want to lose this. I don't want to lose you.”
“So what are you saying?”
If I knew that, Ianto thought, then this whole conversation wouldn't be so damn hard. What could he say? That I love both of you? That I want to be with both of you? That having to choose between you is going to break by heart?
“Look, I'm not a bloody mind reader,” Owen said frustrated, freeing himself from Ianto's grip. “What is it you want? Because if you're suggesting you spend half the week with Jack and the other half with me it's not going to work. Jack will know.”
“Of course not, I'm not talking about an affair, with us sneaking about behind each other’s backs. It would be the three of us, together.”
“Really?” Owen said, anger draining away a little. ”I never figured you were so kinky. Although I 'spose there had to be a reason why Jack was interested.”
“I don't just mean sex,” Ianto said wondering if Owen ever thought beyond the physical. “I mean the three of us together in a proper relationship.”
Owen stared at him in growing disbelief. “You really mean that, don't you?”
“Yes.” He took a deep breath, nerves starting to get the better of him. “It's a lot to ask, I know, but I don't think I can choose between you. I don't want to have to.”
“You really can't choose between us?”
“Didn't you tell me that Jack and I were equal as far as you were concerned?”
“Yeah, but...”
“You didn't think I'd think you and Jack are?” And that, Ianto thought, was perhaps one of Owen's biggest flaws, that he frequently showed little or no consideration for others because he never expected any for himself.
Owen shrugged. “Well you did shoot me last time you had choose.”
“I didn't choose Jack though, did I?” Ianto said thinking how close to the edge he'd been, how even now he wasn't sure if he'd meant just to injure. “That was about protecting Cardiff, about keeping a lot of people safe. After what happened with Lisa, I couldn't put myself, my feelings first, and live knowing people died.”
“So why'd you help us open the Rift then?”
“Time was fragmenting and it would have only got worse. Jack admitted that he didn't have any answers, any way to fix it.” Ianto took a shaky breath. “I knew about the protocol that had been set out years ago about opening the Rift and it seemed like a better option that doing nothing.” His stomach felt like it was in knots and he turned away from Owen as he said, “I didn't think we were going to survive it, but least the world would have been safe.”
“Fuck,” Owen said quietly, something close to fear in his voice. “Seriously, you thought that and did it anyway?”
Ianto nodded, feeling shaken. “Tosh knew about it too. We told Jack that if that's what it took we'd do it.”
“I thought you were trying to get Lisa back and I wasn't sure about Tosh. Any way, let's not talk about this anymore tonight. You can ask Jack tomorrow about whether he'd be up for a threesome if you like, and we'll take it from there. I can't promise anything, well apart from sex,” Owen said, “But if you really want this then I 'spose I should at least give it a go.”
“If you don't want this, tell me,” Ianto said hating that he was being made to feel like he was pushing Owen into something he wasn't comfortable with. “Owen, please. If this is going make you miserable, if you know you can't do, don't get my hopes up.”
“You do know Jack might say no,” Owen said, then shook his head. “Okay it'd be turning down a chance at getting laid, but stranger things have happened.”
“That's not an answer. Seriously, I'm not going to ask him anything unless I know you're all right with this.”
“Just stop over thinking everything I say,” Owen said wearily. “I can't promise you a proper relationship, not like you mean it, not even if you were suggesting it was just the two of us. I don't do that kind of commitment. I can't. So that's it. I can give you what we have now plus Jack in our bed too, but not more.”
It wasn't what he wanted, but Ianto knew that for now it was as close as he was likely to get, provided of course Jack said yes, and maybe given time Owen would realise that what they already had far more than just sex. “Thank you.”
“It's not like sex with Jack is going to be much of a hardship,” Owen said as ran his hand down Ianto's hip. “But tonight it's still just the two of us and I don't want to waste a minute of it.”
Ianto smiled at him and moved closer, hooking a leg over his. “And I wouldn't want to make you.”
Link to part nine