venting
So, here it goes again. Me typing in this live journal when I should be studying Politics.. but fuck it. Fuck everything. Why? Cause in the end "you can never really no someone"-(Last line of in the movie "The Rules of Attraction"). I kind of buy into it, but then i completely don't. I think i know people to a certain point. Sometimes I think I don't look at someone for who they really are but I judge them, oh wait I Know I do that. I do alot of things I don't LIKe. For example laugh for no reason when a close friend of mine expresses sadness over the loss of a pet. That's just F-up right?, i think so.. its not like i didn't care I do. And I saw in his eyes that he was really upset. Sometimes I get fed up with myself, my life actions. The ones I have control of, like saying up till 2am for no damn good reason dreaming about attending Brown on a full scholarship, or My god damn ALTERNATOR fucking $400.00 or more to replace, or going to ER and having to paying cash. I have the love from my parents and friends, but that's all. No $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. I wish. that's what I dream of someday, ...on the other hand..i'm lucky enough to have a college cushion from my hard working deceased grandparents. So WHY COMPLAIN? what's the Point, and how dare I ask FOR MORE?... THe Fucking CAR was FREE!. What's my problem.... Seriously... The ANswer.. ME. i'm my own problem.. and all the other problems I create, are my own problems for that matter....I have the nerve to feel sorry for myself... FUCK that shit....I AM in complete control no one else.. Not the car, not my parents, not my college fund... NO ONE ELSE but ME.. and UNLESS SOMEONE HAS A gun to your head, a loaded gun, then you're all in control... So I guess my rambling point is... Its not your emotions, anger or sorrow, or fucking empathy that matter.. Its that you realize you are in totally control of yourself and your life. When I choose not to call a friend I haven't talk to in a month or a relative for that matter... IT's my f-ing choice... unless I'm getting straight A's across the board, ....its my choice.... Everything I do, and everything I say... carries... to someone, maybe someone I love maybe someone I don't even know.... And sometimes I JUST don't want to think Like this I don't want to give a damn. I want to feel sorrow for myself; I want the life of my boyfriend who doesn't ever have to worry about money besides whether or not his mom will get mad at him if his savings goes to low. Savings... what the Fuck does that mean anyway.. My savings was a fucking petty cash draw ... I didn't save a dime.. that's why I"m so fucked right now, and writing this message to you all. No one watch my accounts to make sure they were above 500.00 and If they got any lower put my money in. When I fucked up I learned the hard way. And i'm thinking this pattern will continue throughout my life, what sucks the most is... its my choice all of it is my choice how i react and deal with my so called life..