So Here I Am
Sooo I'm in Maryland. I'm like half an hour away from DC. I've taken the Metro there a few times and riding on it is fun. Crazy people on the Metro, man...crazy.
I doubt I'll be moving up here. I won't lie though. It's a possibility.
But Full Sail is still my main goal.
My parents ARE going to be moving up here. I told my mother she had to, even if I didn't move with her. It's not like I'd get to see them all that much anyway, with school and such.
So I went and visited several art galleries yesterday. From Asian art to Modern art. I still don't get modern art really, but the asian art was awesome.
I felt a little sad looking at all of the jars and vases and bells that were on display. I wonder how they feel wasting away behind a glass wall? I think I'd rather waste away performing the function I was MEANT to perform, than to stay forever preserved behind a glass wall.
So I suppose the other patrons thought it was a little strange when I started crying in the middle of the museum...^_^;;
Granted, I also started crying because I felt lonely. I'm only happy when I'm in love, you know? I don't want to only be happy in love though. Fuck, I don't think I even want someone right now. I want to be stronger. I wish I was as vehement as Alanna is. "I don't want to fall in love! I don't want to marry! I want to be strong and independent and SCREW ANYONE WHO TRIES TO STOP ME!"Even saying something like that is only said in pain. Well, when it comes from me. Truth is, I DO want someone...I just don't want to be hurt again. I'm terrified that I'll be thrust into the same situation. Chance are I WILL be thrust into that same situation over and over and over again. Nothing lasts forever.
Rob Schneider, the husband of my moms best friend and the person we're staying with right now, is a Buddhist. I was talking to him a few nights ago about my recent break up and all the things I've had to come to face with since then. I told him that I wanted love, but was terrified of having it and then it being taken away again. And he said, "Nothing lasts forever. There's something very liberating about it too."
I can't imagine that being liberating. I want to. I want to be able to look at a situation and say, "Nothing last forever" and be ok with it. I want to be able to look at my next boyfriend and think, "He might not love me tomorrow, and that's ok. He loves me now."
That's just not ok with me as I am now. I want some sort of guarentee that in the next five years, he'll still be there, and he'll still love me. I'm sick and tired of someone saying, "Forever" and only meaning, "I love you forever, for right now."
I'm sick of feeling like every break up is the end of the world. I'm sick of being scared of the next one. I'm sick of being scared period.
I wish I didn't care. I really wish I didn't care. I wish this break up would just slide off my back and go away and I can move on with my life.
But every decision I make is based on fear. I'm terrified of picking up my phone. I'm terrified of getting on Facebook. I'm terrified of moving to Orlando. I'm terrified of fucking EVERYTHING, ok? Everything is scary for one reason or another. Everything hurts, for one reason or another.
It'll go away at one point, I know. But it'll be back again, I know that too.
I don't even know what real happiness is.
I doubt I'll be moving up here. I won't lie though. It's a possibility.
But Full Sail is still my main goal.
My parents ARE going to be moving up here. I told my mother she had to, even if I didn't move with her. It's not like I'd get to see them all that much anyway, with school and such.
So I went and visited several art galleries yesterday. From Asian art to Modern art. I still don't get modern art really, but the asian art was awesome.
I felt a little sad looking at all of the jars and vases and bells that were on display. I wonder how they feel wasting away behind a glass wall? I think I'd rather waste away performing the function I was MEANT to perform, than to stay forever preserved behind a glass wall.
So I suppose the other patrons thought it was a little strange when I started crying in the middle of the museum...^_^;;
Granted, I also started crying because I felt lonely. I'm only happy when I'm in love, you know? I don't want to only be happy in love though. Fuck, I don't think I even want someone right now. I want to be stronger. I wish I was as vehement as Alanna is. "I don't want to fall in love! I don't want to marry! I want to be strong and independent and SCREW ANYONE WHO TRIES TO STOP ME!"Even saying something like that is only said in pain. Well, when it comes from me. Truth is, I DO want someone...I just don't want to be hurt again. I'm terrified that I'll be thrust into the same situation. Chance are I WILL be thrust into that same situation over and over and over again. Nothing lasts forever.
Rob Schneider, the husband of my moms best friend and the person we're staying with right now, is a Buddhist. I was talking to him a few nights ago about my recent break up and all the things I've had to come to face with since then. I told him that I wanted love, but was terrified of having it and then it being taken away again. And he said, "Nothing lasts forever. There's something very liberating about it too."
I can't imagine that being liberating. I want to. I want to be able to look at a situation and say, "Nothing last forever" and be ok with it. I want to be able to look at my next boyfriend and think, "He might not love me tomorrow, and that's ok. He loves me now."
That's just not ok with me as I am now. I want some sort of guarentee that in the next five years, he'll still be there, and he'll still love me. I'm sick and tired of someone saying, "Forever" and only meaning, "I love you forever, for right now."
I'm sick of feeling like every break up is the end of the world. I'm sick of being scared of the next one. I'm sick of being scared period.
I wish I didn't care. I really wish I didn't care. I wish this break up would just slide off my back and go away and I can move on with my life.
But every decision I make is based on fear. I'm terrified of picking up my phone. I'm terrified of getting on Facebook. I'm terrified of moving to Orlando. I'm terrified of fucking EVERYTHING, ok? Everything is scary for one reason or another. Everything hurts, for one reason or another.
It'll go away at one point, I know. But it'll be back again, I know that too.
I don't even know what real happiness is.