Overwhelmed and Grumpy
I move on Friday so today my brain couldnt consentrate on work- all I wanted to do was think about what still needed to be done and how I was going to get everything arranged. I called and arranged my moving truck with money I know I dont have so I will have to put it on a credit card. Then I proceeded to call around and see what men I can gather to help with the big pieces.
It's strange how the closer it gets to moving, the more I come to hate the fuckhole ex. I got to thinking how I might need to add a few shelves in my bathroom cabinet and then the realization that I don't have a measuring tape, a saw or even nails because the arsehole took all of these items, started to settle in and the anger bubbles up. All these things he took he never uses (or at least never used in the 15 something years I have known him). I would have liked to have gone over there and got them done before moving in but thats never gonna happen now.
Taking apart large pieces of furniture , such as my drafting table, with only the nubs that one places into an electric tool set, pissed me off all the more because thats all I have. I find it strange that I didn't hate him for being a tool bag and cheating on me or embezzling from my best friends company, but the fact that he took items that I need in order to move out of the house he is making me lose,seems to be where my mind draw the line. It also amazes me how easy it was for me to just wipe him out of my mind completely. I never think about him and I realized today that I never tell stories that start with "Jeremy and I..."- its almost like he just never existed all together. I DID have to see him again on Friday to get some escrow papers notarized and standing next to him and talking to him didn't upset me- it was more like it annoyed me. My eyes are finally wide open to the type of person he is and it makes me ill knowing I was blind for so long.
I am restless. I am grumpy and I know it all has to do with all the many changes in my life going on at one time. I hate living out of boxes so I am anxious for the move. If I could do it all tonight I would. I hate knowing I am short on money and need things for the new house. And I dont like not knowing where I stand with Laguna.
The conversation we did get thru, he told me he likes me allot and, in short, has since highschool. "I dont regret marrying Brianna as she gave me my children" he said but he wished he hadnt had to go thru so much heart break- that he knew I was "good people" and a rare find. He told me that when he came up here years ago to work with me on his clothing line, that he liked me then but that he isnt one to make things obvious. I responded, "Thats an understatement." He said, "But my heart is in my hand Greta." So the whole conversation was going great... and then I locked myself out and when we went back to the conversation it became all about his work and how thats his main focus right now, that he remains "Single" so he can consentrate on his work as he would like to be able to retire at some point. It was like receiving mixed signals. I hate that. You're either in or your out. I dont need to be tied to anyone right now, dont get me wrong, but I want to know if we have something to at least build on.
And thats where we stand tonight.
Im going to go enjoy sitting in my box filled house while I still can and then get up to start another day of scattered emotions and thoughts.