Holy Krampus... the Hook Man is coming!
You know... never in my life had I heard of "krampus" and yet almost daily this month he has made an appearance. On TV shows, news reports, and random stories I find in the local paper. I LOVE this guy!
You do realize this is why I never had any children of my own (apart from my Niece who calls me her mother and I now consider my own)- because I would most likely seriously fuck them up to the point they would be outcast for life or grow up to be murders. Once I learned of this Krampus, I felt the need to pause the TV and turned to my husband to inform him, "when the grandbaby gets old enough, we ARE telling him Krampus stories! This is exactly what the world needs to keep kids in line!" I want to have Krampus figurines up all around the house- screw that "elf on a shelf" putts, he is not nearly as in control as KRAMPUS! WOO HOO.
I think about these weird little things constantly. Toys I would want to give my children... Like the other day- I was searching Ebay for some Legos (as I think I might want to give stop animation a try) when I came across "Lego Brains." Did you know there was such a thing even? I sure didn't but apparently not only do they exist but these Green clear plastic brains can be purchased to place in your Lego Skeleton's head (should you want to act out a zombie apocalypse I gather). I looked at these "Brains" and thought that if I had a kid this would be a must for a stocking stuffer. Along with things such as the Monster High dolls and venus fly trap plants in a box. I have come to realize that my child would be raised to be like one of the Addams family as these odd little things bring me great joy!
Though who's to say HOW I would really be if I had to raise a child from birth on wards. But the one thing that DOES come to mind is a memory from back when I was 10 and had to baby sit the neighbor's two kids. (warning... this is going to make me sound HORRIBLE. As an adult, I would never do this now, but back then... well.. these things came to mind and out my mouth without much thought). The kids, Tammy and Chris, were only a few years younger than me and we played together almost everyday so they were fully aware of my since of humor as well as my over active imagination.
It was late, well past their bed time and I knew their parents would be home soon. I needed a way to get them to sleep (or at least Fake sleep) and in a hurry or forfeit the $20 I was going to make on the job and never be asked to baby sit again). The biggest obstacle I had in my way was Chris as even though we were friends, we fought CONSTANTLY almost as if he were really a younger brother . The nerdy bespectacled boy showed very little respect towards me by means of a type of authority figure. In fact, I think he was really pissed off that his parents had left for the night and asked me to baby sit them while he felt he was old enough to stay home alone. Getting them into their beds was hard enough but then Tammy asked me to tell them a bed time story. I knew what they were REALLY doing... they were working up a way to stay awake even longer, anything to refrain from closing their eyes and going to sleep.
"Okay... I have story for you but I am only telling you once so listen closely. It's a true story that your parents wouldn't want you to know but I'm going to be straight with you because I know your old enough to handle the truth.... This is the short story of the Hook man... A long time ago there was this man who used to break into people's houses when the parents weren't home to see if little children had really gone to sleep like good boys and girls.... He HATED it when children disobeyed and lied. So what he would do is break in at night and stand over the little children's beds, leaning in really close like this, to make sure their eyes were closed tight because this is how he figured out if they were really asleep. Most kids followed the rules and went to sleep when asked... but when they didn't, do you know what he would do?" At this point the kids eyes were wide and glassy and they were clutching the blankets in tiny fist up underneath their chins. At my question, they shook out the answer no.. they didn't know what would happen. "Well I will tell you... IF the children's eyes were still open he would slip the hook on his hand into one eye socket and it would pop out the other. It would make a sound like this ( ~pop~) That's why it's super important for you guys to close your eyes really tight and go to sleep because I would hate to have to explain to your parents what happened and why you were missing your eyes," I smiled, leaned over and kissed their foreheads, pretending to be more adult than I really was, and gave a jolly happy sounding, "good night" before springing up from the corner of the bed and flipping out the bedroom light. From the hall way, the dim hall way light reflected into the room and I could see them both- huddled close with their eyes squeezed so tight that they showed extra creases. I didn't close the door all the way.
My story worked so perfectly that I was actually complimented by the parents when they got home for getting the kids to bed on time, they couldn't believe I got the job done. They would definitely have me back to baby sit again in the future. And never again did I have to retell the tale of "Hookman," But Boy did they both look extra tired the next day when we met up to play in my back yard.
You do realize this is why I never had any children of my own (apart from my Niece who calls me her mother and I now consider my own)- because I would most likely seriously fuck them up to the point they would be outcast for life or grow up to be murders. Once I learned of this Krampus, I felt the need to pause the TV and turned to my husband to inform him, "when the grandbaby gets old enough, we ARE telling him Krampus stories! This is exactly what the world needs to keep kids in line!" I want to have Krampus figurines up all around the house- screw that "elf on a shelf" putts, he is not nearly as in control as KRAMPUS! WOO HOO.
I think about these weird little things constantly. Toys I would want to give my children... Like the other day- I was searching Ebay for some Legos (as I think I might want to give stop animation a try) when I came across "Lego Brains." Did you know there was such a thing even? I sure didn't but apparently not only do they exist but these Green clear plastic brains can be purchased to place in your Lego Skeleton's head (should you want to act out a zombie apocalypse I gather). I looked at these "Brains" and thought that if I had a kid this would be a must for a stocking stuffer. Along with things such as the Monster High dolls and venus fly trap plants in a box. I have come to realize that my child would be raised to be like one of the Addams family as these odd little things bring me great joy!
Though who's to say HOW I would really be if I had to raise a child from birth on wards. But the one thing that DOES come to mind is a memory from back when I was 10 and had to baby sit the neighbor's two kids. (warning... this is going to make me sound HORRIBLE. As an adult, I would never do this now, but back then... well.. these things came to mind and out my mouth without much thought). The kids, Tammy and Chris, were only a few years younger than me and we played together almost everyday so they were fully aware of my since of humor as well as my over active imagination.
It was late, well past their bed time and I knew their parents would be home soon. I needed a way to get them to sleep (or at least Fake sleep) and in a hurry or forfeit the $20 I was going to make on the job and never be asked to baby sit again). The biggest obstacle I had in my way was Chris as even though we were friends, we fought CONSTANTLY almost as if he were really a younger brother . The nerdy bespectacled boy showed very little respect towards me by means of a type of authority figure. In fact, I think he was really pissed off that his parents had left for the night and asked me to baby sit them while he felt he was old enough to stay home alone. Getting them into their beds was hard enough but then Tammy asked me to tell them a bed time story. I knew what they were REALLY doing... they were working up a way to stay awake even longer, anything to refrain from closing their eyes and going to sleep.
"Okay... I have story for you but I am only telling you once so listen closely. It's a true story that your parents wouldn't want you to know but I'm going to be straight with you because I know your old enough to handle the truth.... This is the short story of the Hook man... A long time ago there was this man who used to break into people's houses when the parents weren't home to see if little children had really gone to sleep like good boys and girls.... He HATED it when children disobeyed and lied. So what he would do is break in at night and stand over the little children's beds, leaning in really close like this, to make sure their eyes were closed tight because this is how he figured out if they were really asleep. Most kids followed the rules and went to sleep when asked... but when they didn't, do you know what he would do?" At this point the kids eyes were wide and glassy and they were clutching the blankets in tiny fist up underneath their chins. At my question, they shook out the answer no.. they didn't know what would happen. "Well I will tell you... IF the children's eyes were still open he would slip the hook on his hand into one eye socket and it would pop out the other. It would make a sound like this ( ~pop~) That's why it's super important for you guys to close your eyes really tight and go to sleep because I would hate to have to explain to your parents what happened and why you were missing your eyes," I smiled, leaned over and kissed their foreheads, pretending to be more adult than I really was, and gave a jolly happy sounding, "good night" before springing up from the corner of the bed and flipping out the bedroom light. From the hall way, the dim hall way light reflected into the room and I could see them both- huddled close with their eyes squeezed so tight that they showed extra creases. I didn't close the door all the way.
My story worked so perfectly that I was actually complimented by the parents when they got home for getting the kids to bed on time, they couldn't believe I got the job done. They would definitely have me back to baby sit again in the future. And never again did I have to retell the tale of "Hookman," But Boy did they both look extra tired the next day when we met up to play in my back yard.