who am I again?
My mum and I started making cemetary trips this year when Nana passed (I miss her). It's rather a unique mother & daughter event I would say... no distractions. Just my mother and I sitting between head stones (one set for her parents and then we move across the lawns to where my great grandparents on my dad's side are.). I will start with a question "tell me how Cille and Jimmy met?" and she will begin unraveling stories about my family that I would other wise never know. Its as if being here inspires her to recall memories. I always come home from these days overwhelmed having learned so many things. People always speak about your relatives that passed in possitive statements and recall joyous family events they were at. When mum and I have these days I enjoy how I also learn family secrets. "well Thelma started seeing a guy and left your grandfather for him I think. she became pregnant and went back to your grandfather. I cant recall if the guy dumped her or if she just decided she wanted to come back or what- only that grandpa Joe took her back. It was never known if she had the baby, gave it up or had an abortion." or "She was in the sanitarium for a while. She just lost it and thats when your great grandmother started raising your dad" so many little hidden secrets.
It explains somethings about who I am or at least who I got the crazy gene from. Recently a box of old photgraphs surfaced at my parents house. Thelma had lived with them before she died and she must have stored them in the garage without telling anyone. Its a metal tin box and the pictures lay in there freely. I was excited to see pictures of my pops when he was very young. The only bad thing is - most these pictures have no notes on them and though my pops enjoyed looking at them he was lost as to who alot of people are.
My pops had wanted me to talk more with his dad (big Joe) now that we have him back in our lives but I was at a loss for words. I hadnt actually spoken to this man since I was 5 years old so its rather hard to find a subject we can talk about as we dont really know each other. Now I had an openning.
I scanned a group of the pics and sent them to Big Joe with a note asking about my dad growing up and Big Joes life growing up as well and suddenly Im getting a call from Big Joe. I love that he was able to just rally off addresses they lived at growing up and alot of them are relatively local so I might have to drive by and see where my pops took his first steps or the first house Big Joe saved to build for his family when he got out of the service.... "I sent the pictures onto Patty... I hope you dont mind. she will probably be calling you." Patty is my dad's sister. Growing up I had thought this woman was my dad's AUNT as she looked older then Thelma did. I didnt like her as a child, just that hoo doo sorta thing. and when Thelma passed Patty showed up at my parents house and took everything my grandma owned (all while the parents were still at the hospital signing the death certificate or what ever they do when someone dies). Patty was pretty much a stranger to me as I never saw this woman and the fact that she showed up and cleaned out thelmas stuff pissed me off. My family had her at the end of her life and yet we werent left with anything at all from her. The recently found box of pictures was a treasure just for this reason.
Its been well over 13 years since Thelma passed, since Patty accused my mum of 'killing' thelma at the funeral and my mum sbnaped back the obvious.. words no one ever spoke aloud but thought" Your just making things up to cover the fact you married a man not interested in you. wake up Patty... your husband is gay" Garry is SOOOO gay that even as a child I knew this without knowing there was a name for what uncle garry was.
drama drama drama
It took my breath away to answer my phone and hear Thelmas voice, her laugh from beyond the grave... turned out to be Patty. for having not spoken to her at all in my adult life (another stranger related to me and a piece of the puzzle) that woman just jumped into converation and went.
It was exactly what I was looking for. I wanted to know about my dad growing up, his family, how everyone got along or didnt- if they had family gatherings or not.... I wouldnt learn everything in this conversation. It was a run by talking attack to which I just listened and tried to absorb.
"did your dad ever tell you how he was there when I got hit by the car and dragged underneith for about 30 feet? Yeah... it was on his birthday. He witnessed the whole thing. You see I was following him..." holy crap.
I am so speachless. This is a pretty major thing for my dad to never tell me.
this is all such a weird feeling. I am learning things about people I am suppose to know and yet somehow I have made it thru most my life in the dark . I Know none of these things personally have anything to do with me but oddly enough it gives one the feeling that you have been left out of the loop for years. Its waking up to find out people know you and things about you, they are related, but that you do not know them. Its all strangers you know. The world has been going about everyday with me in it but I am just starting to wake up and see the full picture- its living with amnisia in away.
It gives me a feeling of lost and overwhelmed learning all these small things and yet in away its almost comforting. My whole life I have wanted to understand my life.. we never had the Norman Rockwell life and I was the child who thought my parents were trying to kill me, it may be funny (okay.. it is) but how can I live with these people who appeared normal on the outside when I myself was not? I dont belong in this life. now that I am hearing all these little things and little secrets sneaking out- I FINALLY realise that I do fit with these people. They just are better at hiding things or I have just now learned how to find these clues.
I enjoyed my first talk with patty and then I received an email pasted between my grandmothers sister Sherry (do I know her at all?) & Patty but I couldnt some how shake the feeling of hoo doo with Patty. I told myself that I was being irrational, this was a great opportunity for me to learn and get to know these people as family. I have lost my mum's side of family in the past few years so now perhaps I could gain contact with the other side of our family.
However its only been a few days and Patty is begining to confirm I was right about her. I sent her a few pictures I had of her as a child and she replied "I hate those pictures... I want the pictures of my mother growing up".. it was a demand sounding email and I was a bit taken back.
today I know I am taking things personally but I feel the sting of disappointment. Some of the pictures I emailed her that DO have names on the back (which I had listed in email) she replied "that picture is of me and Bob.." and she tells me a story and yet I again turn the picture over and read caption "thelma and Ned - dont we make a cute couple? Ned writes me and is just swell"... can I trust what this woman is saying to me? IS she just eager to tell me anything to be in contact? Is she making these things up because she has a selfish streak and wants me to just give her the photos? sadly I dont have other people to ask about whos in these shots. I am forwarding them as well to Sherri but she hasnt said anything to me directly. I wish people would keep records of things (such as the blog.. as the Bio I myself am writing) I HATE that I have to deal with people I dont know if I can trust and all i wanted was to know the people I once loved apart from the time they spend in life with me...