I'm having fun looking out for number one... (time for reflection)...
I've done a lot of thinking lately... especially about mine and Jonathan's relationship. I have this tendency to forget shit that I go through when I was in the relationship and then down the road I question my move, as in was I right to break up with him, and then it takes the tiniest trigger and I think to myself... damn, that was actually the best decision.
I don't think he realizes the extent to how much he hurt me. He believes that by doing some of the small things i.e. cooking, taking care of me financially, etc... that it makes up for the things hes said to me. Ever since August is when things really just went way down hill. It hit me then how much his drinking and anger while drinking really started getting out of control. It was very scary, especially when he screamed at me countless times over the phone... over nothing, honestly. The time he called me a slut because I didn't spend every 5 seconds with him at my house warming party, thats already unforgettable and unforgivable. Who does that? The fact that I was hysterical in front of a lot of my friends at my own party was really the major embarrassment... and all because of how angry he got towards me.
I really cant count on 2 hands the number of nights he went out drinking, which i was already stressed and worried about him doing so, mostly because I was actually afraid of the things he'd say to me over the phone when he got home. It never ended well. Partly, I blame myself because I wanted to physically talk to him and hear him to make sure he was home ok, a text message just wouldnt cut it.... but in a way it was a blessing in disguise because it really brought out how ugly he could get after drinking. Even though it was the tip of the iceberg compared to what my mom went through with my dad, I felt like things were heading down the same road. I'll never forget the day he came home drunk from a panther's game, and I was trying to study, and I was upset that he came home drunk first off when he said he wouldn't drink too much... well, hello, its drinking too much if you're drunk... and I got furious with him because he knows what I went through with my dad and he couldn't be anymore insensitive to the fact... then he said to me, "its not my fault".... as in its not his fault my dad was an alcoholic. Well, that really took the cake. because you know... it is completely MY fault my dad was and put me through hell for 18 years of my life.
I think the final straw was when Austin died. I remember finding out about 2pm in the afternoon... and I texted Jonathan to tell him about it and he texted back with a "do you think someone is making it up?"... first off, a text? seriously? secondly, no.. "im sorry" "let me call you in a minute"... I mean i know he was at work, which is why i didn't call him first... but I mean can you spare one minute of your time while I'm balling my eyes out. apparently not. Not only that, but instead of coming over that evening and simply holding me while I cried or something... he chose to drink and party with some friends. who does that? someone that you've spent the past 2 and a half years of your life in a relationship with, who supposedly is in love and loves you... chooses to party than to be with you on quite frankly probably the saddest day of my life so far. that was it. and yet I stuck in it, i was numb and couldnt do anything.
I really realized lately how much I did not like who I was when I dated Jonathan, for the past 6 months of our relationship. I was a mess, I was hurt, and I kept letting him hurt me. That's not me... I'm independent and I have never been one to take shit from any guy... yet I still had a sliver of hope. But I admit i definitly hung in there way too long. I hurt myself because I didn't like who I turned into. I know there were several times where we got into a fight... him being drunk... and I kept telling myself, Shannon get your stuff and leave, just do it, just leave. and I never could. first off because I'm not the type to leave in the middle of a fight, but when you're arguing with a drunk person, its like arguing with a wall... and all I did was get hurt.
I realized over spring break things were never going to change. Although these "incidences" occurred less frequently, they were still happening. Especially st. patrick's day... yet again he went out, called me and screamed at me for who knows what reason... and that was it for the both of us. he felt like he couldn't stop hurting me and being an asshole to me, and I really couldn't take it anymore. And i have never been so relieved/un-stressed since then.
Yet, 3 weeks later he tells me he misses me and wants to be with me again. Shockingly, I told him I was happy where I was. Well he didn't like that, but oh well, I've gotta look out for number one.
It really made it all so clear when we had a party on saturday night... and hunter, lindsay's on-off guy ended up pushing her and then my guy friends jumped his case and wanted to fight him. Hunter treats her like shit, tells her she's "wifey" material, yet doesnt want to be in a relationship with her now, yet hangs out with her most of the days like a boyfriend. Did i mention he has no money, no job, no car, living for free in some lady's house? what a deadbeat. The best part was when I tried to get them to stop yelling at each other and he screamed FUCK YOU shannon and starts cussing me out... which there happened to be no one else really around to hear it, lucky for Hunter. but things have been extremely awkward, because of course she still hangs out with him and brings him to our apartment. Amanda and I have talked to about having an intervention basically telling her to get rid of him for good... I'm seriously worried he's gonna hurt her bad, physically and verbally/emotionally.
I took this to heart though. I was just in this situation not even a few months ago. Megan, Amanda, and Lindsay all came to me and had essentially the same intervention, worried that one day Jonathan was going to seriously hurt me. Especially after the time that he was yelling at me and got in my face (over a glass of water i left on the table)... thank God his much bigger, stronger brother was there to get him to back off. A very scary situation for me... and no girl deserves that.
And although it hurts sometimes, because Jonathan used to be a great guy and had his good boyfriend days inbetween his monster days... and the fact that we put so much time into something for it to go nowhere is frustrating. but I'm glad i learned who he was before we did something like got married.. I'm trying to just really move on. And i have been dating a new guy and i'm happy where i'm at and i feel like i deserve that. I like who i am, i'm me again... and thats the greatest gift of it all.
we'll see where life goes from here...