beautiful oblivion.
wow i am not to good with keeping up with my journal, i have really got to get better at this.
so, as this semester is coming to an end, i have a lot of thoughts to regurgitate. i am in disbelief how fast school is flying by, each semester. only 3 semesters left and i am done... atleast for a little while until i decide to go back. i am very proud of how far i've come, but i'm not sure if its worth how hard i am on myself. i stress myself to no end, usually until i have a mini-breakdown. i need to be able to control my stress and not freak out. but someone once told me that even if i tried not to care so much, i couldn't. it's worth it, i know it. i'm smart and i'm gonna be the best damn nurse out there :)
let's talk about boy issues. i've never been in a relationship for longer than a year, until now. its been about 2 years since i started dating jonathan. and i realize that after you date someone for a while, it loses some of what it started with. most days are just routine and i feel as if i'm already married. i dont know if thats how it feels for everyone at this point in a relationship or thats just how mine is. so i'm afraid that this issue will just continue to worsen. i hope not, but i have this horrible fear of being bored to death. i mean i realize that's something that needs to be worked on from both sides, and i'm not saying he's doing anything wrong, but am i ready for this? i constantly ask myself, am i being fair to him? i know he's older and he would want to settle down sooner than i would, so is it fair to make him wait? marriage is an issue far from me. i am no where near that point. how do you tell if someone is really the one for you? i guess there is no 100% guarantee. i think alot of women settle with someone they are comfortable or safe with. and is there anything wrong with that? no, there's not. it depends on your views but its not necessarily a bad thing. what would motivate a woman to leave something that is comfortable, for a slight chance there's something fairly more exciting? what are the chances of finding that? the world's a scary place so i could understand why women will stay.
i guess i should really just live by my own advice and not worry about the future, as it will happen as it should. i just have to constantly remind myself of that, as it as hard to not wonder where something is going..
i have the best girl friends i could ask for. and i am so thankful i have them to talk to. yesterday we were talking about ex's. you know, we all have "that ex", the one that we will never completely get over, the one we still think about from time to time, the one that will always have a piece of our heart no matter if we want them to or not. its comforting to think that you are not actually crazy and not the only one that feels that way. i think every girl has this. you think about what things would be like now with them, if it would actually be different or if history would repeat itself. then you think about the things they did to you, the nasty things they've said about you, and how they still care about you. and you wonder why you waste your time. im absolutely sure im not the only ex that he still wants to be with. what an insult. oh things would be different if you got back together, but then you wouldnt be able to trust him because he still wants his other ex back or something like that, who knows. who cares really. sometimes we have the tendency to block out bad memories. and sometimes i get sucked into sweet comments, and i forget all about the shit that was talked about me. like that i was a major coke head and whore. yes, sounds just like me. why would you say something like that about someone that meant so much to you, supposedly... i mean, i understand being angry, but i have never made up a single bad thing about any ex, so maybe i just dont get it. its hard to reason with, but when you realize nothing has changed and will probably never change, its easy to forget about.
God is extremely powerful. and i have been a christian all my life... but until recently, it was on a completely different level. and i'm not ashamed to admit that i had an extremely powerful encounter with him while i was visiting a friend and attended her church. its absolutely crazy to think about, but its real. its hard to explain it to people that haven't experienced it. and most of my friends haven't so you really have to find the right people to talk to about it. He's kind of a sigh of relief, like its going to be ok and everything will happen as it should. i trust in Him and that we will take care of me. I know that when i have a bad night or a fight with jonathan, i just pray for him to give me strength and to help jonathan or a family member or friend or whoever needs it at the time. especially my mom, i think these past couple years have been the hardest of her life, and i cry about everytime i think about her and how she struggles and how i am can't help her like i wish i could. but i know God is there for her too, and she has gone through what most people can only imagine. she is strong and she serves as my role model and my strength. and i hope i'm atleast half the woman she is.
You tried to break me
You wanna break me
Bit by bit
That’s just part of you
And all the things you left behind,
I don't care
I try to make you see my side
Always trying to stay in line
But you’re all I see right through
That’s all they do
Im getting tired of this shit
I got no room when inside this
But if you wanted me just deal with it
so, as this semester is coming to an end, i have a lot of thoughts to regurgitate. i am in disbelief how fast school is flying by, each semester. only 3 semesters left and i am done... atleast for a little while until i decide to go back. i am very proud of how far i've come, but i'm not sure if its worth how hard i am on myself. i stress myself to no end, usually until i have a mini-breakdown. i need to be able to control my stress and not freak out. but someone once told me that even if i tried not to care so much, i couldn't. it's worth it, i know it. i'm smart and i'm gonna be the best damn nurse out there :)
let's talk about boy issues. i've never been in a relationship for longer than a year, until now. its been about 2 years since i started dating jonathan. and i realize that after you date someone for a while, it loses some of what it started with. most days are just routine and i feel as if i'm already married. i dont know if thats how it feels for everyone at this point in a relationship or thats just how mine is. so i'm afraid that this issue will just continue to worsen. i hope not, but i have this horrible fear of being bored to death. i mean i realize that's something that needs to be worked on from both sides, and i'm not saying he's doing anything wrong, but am i ready for this? i constantly ask myself, am i being fair to him? i know he's older and he would want to settle down sooner than i would, so is it fair to make him wait? marriage is an issue far from me. i am no where near that point. how do you tell if someone is really the one for you? i guess there is no 100% guarantee. i think alot of women settle with someone they are comfortable or safe with. and is there anything wrong with that? no, there's not. it depends on your views but its not necessarily a bad thing. what would motivate a woman to leave something that is comfortable, for a slight chance there's something fairly more exciting? what are the chances of finding that? the world's a scary place so i could understand why women will stay.
i guess i should really just live by my own advice and not worry about the future, as it will happen as it should. i just have to constantly remind myself of that, as it as hard to not wonder where something is going..
i have the best girl friends i could ask for. and i am so thankful i have them to talk to. yesterday we were talking about ex's. you know, we all have "that ex", the one that we will never completely get over, the one we still think about from time to time, the one that will always have a piece of our heart no matter if we want them to or not. its comforting to think that you are not actually crazy and not the only one that feels that way. i think every girl has this. you think about what things would be like now with them, if it would actually be different or if history would repeat itself. then you think about the things they did to you, the nasty things they've said about you, and how they still care about you. and you wonder why you waste your time. im absolutely sure im not the only ex that he still wants to be with. what an insult. oh things would be different if you got back together, but then you wouldnt be able to trust him because he still wants his other ex back or something like that, who knows. who cares really. sometimes we have the tendency to block out bad memories. and sometimes i get sucked into sweet comments, and i forget all about the shit that was talked about me. like that i was a major coke head and whore. yes, sounds just like me. why would you say something like that about someone that meant so much to you, supposedly... i mean, i understand being angry, but i have never made up a single bad thing about any ex, so maybe i just dont get it. its hard to reason with, but when you realize nothing has changed and will probably never change, its easy to forget about.
God is extremely powerful. and i have been a christian all my life... but until recently, it was on a completely different level. and i'm not ashamed to admit that i had an extremely powerful encounter with him while i was visiting a friend and attended her church. its absolutely crazy to think about, but its real. its hard to explain it to people that haven't experienced it. and most of my friends haven't so you really have to find the right people to talk to about it. He's kind of a sigh of relief, like its going to be ok and everything will happen as it should. i trust in Him and that we will take care of me. I know that when i have a bad night or a fight with jonathan, i just pray for him to give me strength and to help jonathan or a family member or friend or whoever needs it at the time. especially my mom, i think these past couple years have been the hardest of her life, and i cry about everytime i think about her and how she struggles and how i am can't help her like i wish i could. but i know God is there for her too, and she has gone through what most people can only imagine. she is strong and she serves as my role model and my strength. and i hope i'm atleast half the woman she is.
You tried to break me
You wanna break me
Bit by bit
That’s just part of you
And all the things you left behind,
I don't care
I try to make you see my side
Always trying to stay in line
But you’re all I see right through
That’s all they do
Im getting tired of this shit
I got no room when inside this
But if you wanted me just deal with it