(no subject)
some secrets never shared.
dreams never divulged.
why do i feel like spilling this out right now? i don't know. these things just happen sometimes.
i was always really bad at expressing my feelings. i had many, of course, and was very capable of understanding them internally, but when i came to share them, especially the most important ones, something seemed to always get lost in translation. i loved you, it seemed, from the moment i met you. those eyes sparkling with excitement and passion; behind them, pain and melancholy that hinted at secrets i could never understand.
the friendship we quickly built and cemented gave me a new kind of courage i had never felt before. your unabashed zest for life and everything you loved was inspiring, refreshing, beautiful. everyone else i knew, myself included, were "apathy zombies" with dwindling spirits and hindered creativity. you allowed me to dream again, and what did i dream of?
among many things, the dream i had most often was of you and i. holding your hand as we walked the city streets, twirling, laughing, dancing in the park, stargazing in a field, cheeks tickled by grass, my hands on your tummy, my lips on your neck...my desires became so vivid that i was sure they would come true. yes, i saw in our interactions and how wonderful we were together that you must feel the same way. so it was decided, i would pave the way for my first 100% open lesbian relationship. brimming with confidence on the first day i saw you after 'the decision', life took an interesting turn. (life really is a fan if irony, isn't it). on that day i walked beside you, my heart pounding with life and vigor and excitement, my hands wanting to touch your face, my arms to wrap around you and hold you in that special way which would say all that words cannot.
i walked beside you and you once again brought up that girl from your old school you talked about not infrequently, the one who you always say is exactly like me. the girl who looks exactly like me confessed her love to you not long ago (was it the night before? or the week? i don't remember as my world became a blur at your words). the girl who is exactly like me in almost every single way confessed her love to you and what did you tell her? you were offended. disgusted, even. even if you did like women, you tell me, laughing, she was most CERTAINLY not your type. you may as well have put a knife into my heart, but i could not help but laugh. even then i had an appreciation for irony.
i suppose i was fortunate to have escaped your scorn. it was another girl i could laugh at. if you hadn't told me this story, it would be me you were laughing at and me you were disgusted by. or maybe that girl was just like me in every way except for one: maybe you could love me. but no, the timing of everything, the way i felt that day, i knew it would never be. so best friends we would remain, the ache of longing forever in my heart when we held hands, when i held you as you slept those many nights. words always just behind my lips, begging to be set free. but i knew it would never be.
so know, dear friend, even as you left my life forever, whatever your reasons may be (and i am sure there were many) that i loved you. know that behind every action taken (or neglected) was a bitterness that never went away over all the years. the longing for what i once thought was so certain became a burning anger, at times, but i never meant you any harm. love.
still miss you.
and i am very, very sorry.
dreams never divulged.
why do i feel like spilling this out right now? i don't know. these things just happen sometimes.
i was always really bad at expressing my feelings. i had many, of course, and was very capable of understanding them internally, but when i came to share them, especially the most important ones, something seemed to always get lost in translation. i loved you, it seemed, from the moment i met you. those eyes sparkling with excitement and passion; behind them, pain and melancholy that hinted at secrets i could never understand.
the friendship we quickly built and cemented gave me a new kind of courage i had never felt before. your unabashed zest for life and everything you loved was inspiring, refreshing, beautiful. everyone else i knew, myself included, were "apathy zombies" with dwindling spirits and hindered creativity. you allowed me to dream again, and what did i dream of?
among many things, the dream i had most often was of you and i. holding your hand as we walked the city streets, twirling, laughing, dancing in the park, stargazing in a field, cheeks tickled by grass, my hands on your tummy, my lips on your neck...my desires became so vivid that i was sure they would come true. yes, i saw in our interactions and how wonderful we were together that you must feel the same way. so it was decided, i would pave the way for my first 100% open lesbian relationship. brimming with confidence on the first day i saw you after 'the decision', life took an interesting turn. (life really is a fan if irony, isn't it). on that day i walked beside you, my heart pounding with life and vigor and excitement, my hands wanting to touch your face, my arms to wrap around you and hold you in that special way which would say all that words cannot.
i walked beside you and you once again brought up that girl from your old school you talked about not infrequently, the one who you always say is exactly like me. the girl who looks exactly like me confessed her love to you not long ago (was it the night before? or the week? i don't remember as my world became a blur at your words). the girl who is exactly like me in almost every single way confessed her love to you and what did you tell her? you were offended. disgusted, even. even if you did like women, you tell me, laughing, she was most CERTAINLY not your type. you may as well have put a knife into my heart, but i could not help but laugh. even then i had an appreciation for irony.
i suppose i was fortunate to have escaped your scorn. it was another girl i could laugh at. if you hadn't told me this story, it would be me you were laughing at and me you were disgusted by. or maybe that girl was just like me in every way except for one: maybe you could love me. but no, the timing of everything, the way i felt that day, i knew it would never be. so best friends we would remain, the ache of longing forever in my heart when we held hands, when i held you as you slept those many nights. words always just behind my lips, begging to be set free. but i knew it would never be.
so know, dear friend, even as you left my life forever, whatever your reasons may be (and i am sure there were many) that i loved you. know that behind every action taken (or neglected) was a bitterness that never went away over all the years. the longing for what i once thought was so certain became a burning anger, at times, but i never meant you any harm. love.
still miss you.
and i am very, very sorry.